Happy in conflict and drama...

[Johnny Alias]

Wow.  So... . me and the ex broke up like 5 months ago.  While not officially diagnosed I related all her symptoms to my doc and anecdotes for her behavior and he thinks she's most likely BPD with other cluster b traits. 

It's been a ride.  I've been NC now for 40 days.  She moved in with a new guy right after we broke up who is reputed to be a nutbag.  He takes steroids and is very much a high-conflict personality. 

I hear things.  He threw a bunch of her clothes all over their lawn when they were having a fight and tried to kick her out.  He also checks every vm, text, and fb message before she reads/hears it.  Then apparently recently she was mouthing off to people in a bar, there was a fight, and the new guy got arrested.  The couple they were staying with don't EVER want her coming back because she was wasted drunk and complaining the whole time.  Many of her best friends have left her and don't want to speak to her anymore due to the way she rages at them... . usually when drunk which is a lot of the time. 

What kills me... . is that when we were together she OFTEN criticized me for being negative and controlling... . and yet here she is with a guy who is WAY worse than me.  She complains about crap constantly. 

The words never seem to match the actions... .

I was going to go to a party this Saturday that I RSVPd on Facebook to ages ago to make it clear I would be there and for her to steer a wide berth which we had been doing... . and then boom I look at it today and her and the fella are on it.  I spoke with a mutual friend and apparently they are GIDDY about seeing their exes (his will be there as well). 

I've decided to bail on the whole deal and go to another thing in the mountains.  Just don't need the drama... . which is what they CRAVE.  God its so sad.  When she was mirroring me in the beginning she was kind and sweet... . and now she's mirroring him and is absolutely ANGRY at the world, just like he is. 

Still the drama and conflict will be sought out by her forever... . I know it.  She's just dead inside.  She drinks a ton.  Sleeps all the time.  Not many friends left.  No real job.  Nothing to do... . but plot to create more headaches for everyone else... .

[GreenMango]

Id bow out of that party too.  It sounds like a recipe for shenanigans.

Some people eat sleep and breathe this kind of drama and conflict.  It's how they are and that ain't changing obviously because she's picked a man who gets the same level of satisfaction from it as she does.  They sound perfect for eachother.

It's a values and principles thing.  Yours and hers don't align ... . It can take awhile to separate the feelings from this though.

Keep working on detaching it sounds like where you want to go.

[Learning_curve74]

It sounds like you are facing the facts, so to speak, Johnny. Well done! 

[Mutt]

What kills me... . is that when we were together she OFTEN criticized me for being negative and controlling... . and yet here she is with a guy who is WAY worse than me. 

There's a difference between being controlling and choosing not to enable. Your ex SO doesn't like the latter and calls it "controlling".

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks for the replies.  Honestly I'm just trying to get by day by day.  I'm also hungover today from a date which EXACERBATES any stupid feelings of remorse or longing I still have for her. 

Unbelievable how they dig their claws in. 

The double standards.  The hypocrisy.  God it was unreal

I'm not going to the party.  Makes no sense to go and if I react to seeing a photo of them online by accident (shes blocked) that a mutual friend posts I can't imagine the melt down i'd have seeing them together. 

Drama.  I do like excitement but I don't like drama.  I'm trying to detach from it all, but god help me a part of me wants the universe to dispense some serious karma and crush her for all the pain shes caused me and others. 

[Mutt]

I'm not going to the party.  Makes no sense to go and if I react to seeing a photo of them online by accident (shes blocked) that a mutual friend posts I can't imagine the melt down i'd have seeing them together. 

Very good idea. Stay out of the way. Almost a year later I get triggered when I see STBX and replacement.

[Ironmanrises]

Karma has paid her a visit. Stay far away from that.

[MrFox]

From observing both my BPDmother and my exBPDgf during the relationship, I would say that pwBPD tend to gravitate and/or create conflict and drama.  I have a four part theory as to why.  Note, this is just my opinion based on my observation.

1.  They are impulsive, like a child.  They don't think of the consequences before they act.  They just act and then there is the eventual blow back from that action.

2.  There is so much chaos on their insides and they are trying to make the outside world match their insides.

3.  It's a distraction.  If they are so busy with the turmoil that is going on outside of themselves, they don't have time to focus on the true problems they have on the inside.

4.  Attention.  My exBPDgf particularly did this.  The chaos she causes gives her attention and she doesn't care if it's good or bad, as long as it's attention.

[Johnny Alias]

Fox that last one is absolutely correct.  On another site they posted a video of a toddler who was acting cute to get attention, but then also showed it pitching a fit for NO REASON to get attention. 

This makes sense as they're in a state of arrested development and frozen at 6 years old or whatever. 

Tired today.  All the thinking yesterday just wore me out.  I have list of reasons why i shouldnt be with this woman and any one by themselves should be enough to let her go.  Just takes time. 

On the upside I have a date with a bombshell tonight... . actually its the birthday girl who's party i'm ditching.  . 

Life will go on with or without us.  Our exes have moved on in their own dysfunctional way.  We should be able to as well.  They're not thinking about us.  They're not. 

Why on earth are we?  Because they hurt us.  I still like my hurricane analogy as I consider these people forces of nature. 

The storm is over... . it tore you down to your foundation... . now its time to get up and rebuild.  She was a hurricane.  You couldn't reason with it, stop it, control it, or change it.  But its gone now.  Move on.