Did your BPDso ever not want to hold your hand?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My stbxwife would rarely, if ever, want to hold my hand in public. I would 95% of the time be the one to reach for it and she would nearly always be the one to break contact after a short time.  That always struck me as strange and after the years went by I really just gave up trying.  

Also, she would most often walk a few steps ahead or behind me.  I found that to be odd too.

Any one else experience this?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

My stbxwife would rarely, if ever, want to hold my hand in public. I would 95% of the time be the one to reach for it and she would nearly always be the one to break contact after a short time.  That always struck me as strange and after the years went by I really just gave up trying.  

Also, she would most often walk a few steps ahead or behind me.  I found that to be odd too.

Any one else experience this?

[Ironmanrises]

I experienced this in round 2 devaluation. As it intensified, so did any actual physical contact from her. The walking ahead of me she did that as well in round 2 devaluation. We would go out to eat with her 2 sons and she would literally, i mean f¥cking literally sprint out to her car when we were getting ready to leave rest/cafe/etc. Literally leaving me and her 2 sons behind while we were still putting on our coats. She became more and more repulsed by my mere presence as devaluation progressed. I get chest pains remembering that. In her mind, she was running from whoever abused her as a child(her parents/relative?). In this case, i became that abuser in her mind. Hence she ran from me. Literally.

[strikeforce]

In the beginning my ex would want to hold my hand and touch me as often as she could.

In the last recycle she never held it for long, always breaking off after a few seconds.

[Mutt]

I can't recall who initiated hand holding, but she was not one to show PDA or be physically close. She rarely initiated any of that. I'm not a teenager that can't control myself, but it's nice to give a hug once in a while, brush closely or hold your SO's hand etc... . once in a while. I didn't like that and it was something that I had wanted.

[arn131arn]

Mine did as well. I didnt even think about the devaluation stage until I read the above comment. Makes sense though. Just another thing to process I guess. She did the same thing with kissing when we were having sex. I would go to kIss her and she would always move her head/face away. Again inadequate

[Mutt]

Mine did as well. I didnt even think about the devaluation stage until I read the above comment. Makes sense though. Just another thing to process I guess. She did the same thing with kissing when we were having sex. I would go to kIss her and she would always move her head/face away. Again inadequate

I'd forgotten about kissing. Rarely she initiated it and it was rarely done. If I think about it a little more, I do remember holding my hand more so during the honeymoon phase. I don't believe it's a BPD paradigm but I would appreciate someone on a more physical/affection level in the next r/s after the honeymoon fades  

[Waifed]

She always held my hand. She initiated it. She also always gave me a huge hug and kiss every time I saw her. I miss these two things so much.

[HostNoMore]

Holding hands and other forms of physical affection were much like showing a cross to a vampire to mine.  Yet another BPD red flag as far as I'm concerned.  I just did not know what it was at the time, and now I do.

I'm not a public affection type, but she was really weird about affection.  Even when she feigned physical affection, you could tell she was not comfortable with it.  I even still feel violated by her bizarre sexual practices, but my friends thinks it's so cool.  Well, I lived it and never again.  Normal women only for me.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Holding hands and other forms of physical affection were much like showing a cross to a vampire to mine.  Yet another BPD red flag as far as I'm concerned.  I just did not know what it was at the time, and now I do.

I'm not a public affection type, but she was really weird about affection.  Even when she feigned physical affection, you could tell she was not comfortable with it.  I even still feel violated by her bizarre sexual practices, but my friends thinks it's so cool.  Well, I lived it and never again.  Normal women only for me.

Yes, I had similar experiences.  She was funny with affection.  It often to me seemed forced.  Not in the beginning but after we were married.  But she is VERY sexual/sensual.  And the hand holding thing, I too didn't understand it at the time... . I always thought it was because my arms were too long and she wasn't comfortable  I was just confused by it.  Maybe it has something to do with the BPD after all?

[imstronghere2]

I wish I had better words to explain this.  My exwBPD NEVER initiated anything that resembled affection.  Never.  In the first few years I just accepted this and initiated it all the time.  Eventually I started to back off as I realized that I was running out of the energy to keep this up in just one direction.  Eventually she stopped doing anything to participate in my life with me or our children and I became the single parent without really being single.  At home I always had to be the one to initiate anything resembling intimacy.  Now here comes the irony.

At the end, I was accused of "we never kiss".   WOW!  Talk about the s&it being thrown back in your face!  Just WOW!   So, on that accusation I began to kiss her passionately but it was shallow at best.  There was no emotional depth to it.  GAWD but it was shallow, like a paper thin mask.   It meant nothing but the act.

So, holding hands?  That meant absolutely NOTHING to her.  NOTHING.  "What passion is there to holding hands?"   If it wasn't OVER THE TOP making out like a couple of hormone driven teenagers, then it meant NOTHING.

Ugh.  So tired of that childish BS.  Maybe someday I'll meet a woman of substance.  Maybe someday.

[Moonie75]

In round 1 she would hold my hand more than I'd experienced with anyone before her.

After first devaluation/discard, during the first recycle she would continue to hold my hand as before... . But, NEVER in our home town! The only time she might do was when we were walking quieter streets & less likely to coma across anyone she knew.

I've always figured this was because it would look a little contradictory to what she'd said to folks during my 'painting black'?

[fiddlestix]

My ex loved my kisses early on.  But toward the end she would turn away or wipe my kisses away (and she is the smoker with the ash tray breath).  But in recycle I was "cute" and my kisses were ok again... . and she said "if you hold my hand I may never let go again... . "   But she did, when a younger boy toy emerged.

Maddening!

Fiddle

[Ironmanrises]

My ex loved my kisses early on.  But toward the end she would turn away or wipe my kisses away (and she is the smoker with the ash tray breath).  But in recycle I was "cute" and my kisses were ok again... . and she said "if you hold my hand I may never let go again... . "   But she did, when a younger boy toy emerged.

Maddening!

Fiddle

Substitute the word "may" in your sentence for "will" and that is what my exUBPDgf told me in round 2 as well. She discarded me 5 months later after saying those words to me for the second time.

[Free2Bee]

Mine wanted to hold my hand all the time - it was one of my favourite things about her and one of the things I'll really miss.

But yeah, when I was in the 'devaluation doghouse' there was no handholding and she would walk FAST, so I had to struggle to keep up.

Generally speaking, during the 'good times', she seemed to want to maintain physical contact almost constantly. Even if we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, she wanted to hold my hand or be touching me.

[free-n-clear]

Mine was very affectionate in private, but even early in the r/s when it was still in the ideation phase, she didn't want me to hold her hand or show any affection in public. Her excuse was that she didn't want her ex partner to find out about us as her kids were living with him, but her kids spent a lot of time with us, too, so they knew anyway. Besides, we live in a relatively small town, and we were seen together so regularly that it was obvious to most people that we were a couple.

Of course, once the devaluing started, the affection at home dried up too.

[goldylamont]

odd hearing the experience of others. throughout our years together we tended to be very physically affectionate. not in a show off kind of way we weren't really into public displays of affection, but hand holding, touching, being physically close in and out of public was the norm. in fact i think for me this became so second nature and comforting that during the last few months i started noticing a shift physically, not abrupt, very subtle. i remember one day after taking a trip to the beach and having a great time, while driving back (we'd touch a lot even when driving sometimes) i would hold her hand some... . but it just started feeling weird, like i was initiating it more than her. i started pulling back then, and knew this was indicative of something being wrong. i don't remember any quirky-ness or weirdness regarding holding hands or physical touch other than the fact that for years we both seemed to equally enjoy it till near the end.

also it's kind of odd that most of these responses are from men and we are talking about hand holding. where the ladies at?  it's always good to break stereotypes, real men do enjoy physical affection. and plenty of fake women are weird about it it seems.

[sadinnc98]

We were very affectionate. Hand holding, hold hands across the table, he would have his arm around me-that was one part of our relationship that I loved.  He always put his hand on my leg in the car-even if we drove for hours. If he did not put his hand on my leg, its weird, i knew he was pulling back/going dark   I really loved the affection-its one thing that drew me to him. Funny because last time I saw him he told me he was NOT an affectionate person but that with me it felt normal/natural and that is why he did it-he held my hand, etc... from first date. Not sure I believe him.

[cal644]

This is a great question. I have now been out of my BPD marriage for about a year and a half after being married for 19 years before she found her replacement. I have now been in a wonderful relationship for 4 months now. Until this relationship I didn't realize how little my ex feared intimacy. She didn't like to kiss or hold hands, during sex she would never look me in the eye, I would never get a love pat, or a love rub from her, whereas I would always be the person giving her one, plus in 19 years she only told me twice that she loved me first, both times after I said that I was going to file for divorce. Now that I'm in a real relationship with a person who doesn't have any issues, well all I can say is that it's amazing.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Now that I'm in a real relationship with a person who doesn't have any issues, well all I can say is that it's amazing.

So glad you found a better and fulfilling relationship!

[M033]

My Ex did not tell me he had BPD. He stated that his ex therapist wife had another therapist diagnose him with schizophrenia and screwed him up. I knew he couldn’t possibly have this.(no signs whatsoever) He stated he had some anxiety, but it was under control and no meds needed.We dated approx. 2 years before he moved in with me. Yes there were red flags.. I chalked it up to anxiety, but I did talk to him about BPD since my ex husband was BPD and dark triad attributes.The new man I was dating did say, perhaps he may be on the spectrum and would “ work on his issues of anger outbursts and clinginess.” He was extremely- overly affectionate at the beginning and wanted to consume all of my time, even calling to talk to me at work ( a lot) I told him he couldn’t keep doing that, it exhausted me . He held my hand, opened doors, wanted to pay for meals( not allowing me to)  and he wanted to do too much for me, to the point of me feeling like I was his child instead of his partner. Sex was the best I ever had at 1st. Amazing! (like we were connected mind, body and soul) once he moved in , he started becoming jealous, and controlling. His disrespect on my personal space and healthy boundaries along with verbal swearing fits with anger rages over things made up in his own mind just escalated over time. He pulled away little by little and stopped wanting to hold hands , open doors or have sex( I couldn’t have sex when he verbally assaulted me and he was upset saying I invalidate him with no sex) so I figured he was doing some sort of “ payback” . He would mess up any organizing or cleaning I would do and talked over me; not with me. I cried way too many times, told him that between his accusations of my tone of voice, my inflections, the way I spoke, the eye movements he said I was doing, my body movements to even saying he knew my thoughts was all in his own head, and explaining myself constantly, along with his rages and jealousies had exhausted me to depletion. The stress was tremendous. I gained 30 pounds of cortisol fluctuations had no interest in life events anymore and told him counseling or we are done. He said no “F- ing therapists!! I asked him to move out. He packed asap and was out within the week. He was like 2 people - angry , then sweet , and blaming me for anything and everything as he exited. He said he was used. Wanted money pay back. I paid all utilities and household goods ( a lot) he paid half mortgage. After we split up , I contacted his ex fiancé and ex wife ( I wanted to still keep in contact with his daughter who lived full time with her mom) I had a few questions to ask both of them from things that really never added up. I found out that he was actually diagnosed with BPD with NPD traits. He was verbally abusive with both, and he threw objects at Ex Fiancé but she also did the same back. I was told he had other short term relationships where he moved in with women.(He never told me about them) The last month I was bed ridden from an old injury that he reactivated by pulling my arm backward ( twice) he played weird so called “ jokes” like this plus pretending to put a pillow over my face, and twice wrapping his arm around my neck or hand over my mouth from behind me saying “ do you like to be strangled?” I would absolutely get upset with him and say Hell no! He would still try again after a few months- just randomly and say “ geeesch - I was just joking!” My bed ridden month had him giving me much needed space and down time. I lost 15 pounds just not stressing and walking in egg shells. Thats what gave me the last energy push to have our relationship done with. So yes, men do have many of the same BPD symptoms as women, but to me, a mans physical strength over a females is scary when they are angry and dis-regulated. Any mistrust is no good - male or female in a relationship. I learned a lot.. no more red flag relationships.

[HoratioX]

Mine was always affectionate in public, including holding hands. I mean, everywhere. Even if we were not on the best terms, she was always holding hands with me.

That's what made it confusing. Her physical behavior sent all the signals that she was a genuine girlfriend with genuine affection. But on the same day she'd walked around a park or mall holding hands with me, she could go off and cheat later.

[M033]

My Ex did not tell me he had BPD. He stated that his ex therapist wife had another therapist diagnose him with schizophrenia and screwed him up. I knew he couldn’t possibly have this.(no signs whatsoever) He stated he had some anxiety, but it was under control and no meds needed.We dated approx. 2 years before he moved in with me. Yes there were red flags.. I chalked it up to anxiety, but I did talk to him about BPD since my ex husband was BPD and dark triad attributes.The new man I was dating did say, perhaps he may be on the spectrum and would “ work on his issues of anger outbursts and clinginess.” He was extremely- overly affectionate at the beginning and wanted to consume all of my time, even calling to talk to me at work ( a lot) I told him he couldn’t keep doing that, it exhausted me . He held my hand, opened doors, wanted to pay for meals( not allowing me to)  and he wanted to do too much for me, to the point of me feeling like I was his child instead of his partner. Sex was the best I ever had at 1st. Amazing! (like we were connected mind, body and soul) once he moved in , he started becoming jealous, and controlling. His disrespect on my personal space and healthy boundaries along with verbal swearing fits with anger rages over things made up in his own mind just escalated over time. He pulled away little by little and stopped wanting to hold hands , open doors or have sex( I couldn’t have sex when he verbally assaulted me and he was upset saying I invalidate him with no sex) so I figured he was doing some sort of “ payback” . He would mess up any organizing or cleaning I would do and talked over me; not with me. I cried way too many times, told him that between his accusations of my tone of voice, my inflections, the way I spoke, the eye movements he said I was doing, my body movements to even saying he knew my thoughts was all in his own head, and explaining myself constantly, along with his rages and jealousies had exhausted me to depletion. The stress was tremendous. I gained 30 pounds of cortisol fluctuations had no interest in life events anymore and told him counseling or we are done. He said no “F- ing therapists!! I asked him to move out. He packed asap and was out within the week. He was like 2 people - angry , then sweet , and blaming me for anything and everything as he exited. He said he was used. Wanted money pay back. I paid all utilities and household goods ( a lot) he paid half mortgage. After we split up , I contacted his ex fiancé and ex wife ( I wanted to still keep in contact with his daughter who lived full time with her mom) I had a few questions to ask both of them from things that really never added up. I found out that he was actually diagnosed with BPD with NPD traits. He was verbally abusive with both, and he threw objects at Ex Fiancé but she also did the same back. I was told he had other short term relationships where he moved in with women.(He never told me about them) The last month I was bed ridden from an old injury that he reactivated by pulling my arm backward ( twice) he played weird so called “ jokes” like this plus pretending to put a pillow over my face, and twice wrapping his arm around my neck or hand over my mouth from behind me saying “ do you like to be strangled?” I would absolutely get upset with him and say Hell no! He would still try again after a few months- just randomly and say “ geeesch - I was just joking!” My bed ridden month had him giving me much needed space and down time. I lost 15 pounds just not stressing and walking on egg shells. Thats what gave me the last energy push to have our relationship done with. So yes, men do have many of the same BPD symptoms as women, but to me, a mans physical strength over a females is scary when they are angry and dis-regulated. Any mistrust is no good - male or female in a relationship. I learned a lot.. no more red flag relationships.

[Me88]

for the last few months of our relationship, no. Her endless affection for 2 years came to a halt. She'd rather be on her phone, playing a game or texting her mom or friend nonstop.

Funny thing is, if we were driving and I didn't grab her hand, "are you mad at me?". I'd say no, grab it and kiss it and hold it the rest of the way. I would just put my hand on her thigh towards the end. She just didn't care anymore. The phone was her God.

[lovelySea]

ALWAYS!! I was never big on half holding but from our very first date he held my hand and met my gaze. As each new date he would do it ever more and I remember telling my best friend it felt forced. Even if we were eating at a restaurant at random moments he would hold my hand on the table while we were eating. Always locking fingers even if it meant driving with one hand. During devaluation it stopped. I found myself craving it and seeking it out only to be rejected.

He also started rejecting me if I initiated a kiss or sex. It was only allowed on his terms. It felt like he wanted me to chase him. After a while I would just sit beside him and not touch him and then he would say "you haven't kissed me... you don't love me anymore"

I wish I could erase this time from my life. I'm trying my best to focus on what I've learned from this experience but I really didn't deserve this!