Living in a waking NIGHTMARE 4 children, alone, abused and scared.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD wife secretly left me and our 4 children shortly after Xmas while I took the to a night movie. No one knows where, with who or for how long. We spent a cold, dark, gloomy New Year crying to sleep with fireworks in the background. 2 weeks later, she is still gone! Kids devastated, I was sent home from work today because of my condition (sleep deprived and uncontrollable crying). To continue, this is the 53rd day she has "escaped" since this Fall! Lies, deceit, betrayal, hate, abuse, insults and un-appreciation is all I receive from her. She HATES me, can not touch me, no sexual contact in 7 months. I have caught her in lies, turn all her friends against each other, also suffers from bi-polar/depression. We have tried tapering off 4 different medications but the madness continues if not escalates. I know she is involved in risky sexual activities, I have caught her several times on social networks with profile as single, no children and makes contact with men online. She wears no wedding ring and denies her family status in public. She is ashamed of me, treats me with disgust and spite, full of threats and still wants the kids equally. She has no remorse, no shame and the abuse and neglect toward the children continue!

Issue is, SHE wants a divorce. She wants to separate. She feels "strong" enough and suddenly confident enough, after so many years she says, to finally admit she wants to move on. She is filled with incidents in our relationship from the 90´s! She attacks me about these things like they are happening now! She completely and totally hates me. The children to her are stumbling blocks and a weight to bear. Spends time with them out of obligation and as conscience/guilt relief. She does not feel, she does not care, she has no limits-boundaries-fears or responsibilities. She does not work yet is desperate for rest and time alone. She has everyone manipulated, separated and used to her advantage. She is not an evil person to the core, yet she seems possessed by a demonic force that is determined to destroy the roots of sanity, love and spiritual health by which our marriage and family were built.

Yet, I know that she is sick. She is my church appointed WIFE of 15 years! She is the mother of my 4 children! I am a man of faith and am committed to the vows I (we) took in front of God. How can I separate/divorce under such life pressing duties and spiritual responsibilities? I could not be more confused. Just writing this makes me mad to even think about a conclusion yet Godly issues, the children and practical/financial/legal matters offer a more delicate consideration.

I am new to BPD and this forum and I beg for solid guidance and support for our 4 beautiful innocent children that are in a toxic childhood drama! I thank you humbly and pray for all of us.

[cross1333]

My BPD wife secretly left me and our 4 children shortly after Xmas while I took the to a night movie. No one knows where, with who or for how long. We spent a cold, dark, gloomy New Year crying to sleep with fireworks in the background. 2 weeks later, she is still gone! Kids devastated, I was sent home from work today because of my condition (sleep deprived and uncontrollable crying). To continue, this is the 53rd day she has "escaped" since this Fall! Lies, deceit, betrayal, hate, abuse, insults and un-appreciation is all I receive from her. She HATES me, can not touch me, no sexual contact in 7 months. I have caught her in lies, turn all her friends against each other, also suffers from bi-polar/depression. We have tried tapering off 4 different medications but the madness continues if not escalates. I know she is involved in risky sexual activities, I have caught her several times on social networks with profile as single, no children and makes contact with men online. She wears no wedding ring and denies her family status in public. She is ashamed of me, treats me with disgust and spite, full of threats and still wants the kids equally. She has no remorse, no shame and the abuse and neglect toward the children continue!

Issue is, SHE wants a divorce. She wants to separate. She feels "strong" enough and suddenly confident enough, after so many years she says, to finally admit she wants to move on. She is filled with incidents in our relationship from the 90´s! She attacks me about these things like they are happening now! She completely and totally hates me. The children to her are stumbling blocks and a weight to bear. Spends time with them out of obligation and as conscience/guilt relief. She does not feel, she does not care, she has no limits-boundaries-fears or responsibilities. She does not work yet is desperate for rest and time alone. She has everyone manipulated, separated and used to her advantage. She is not an evil person to the core, yet she seems possessed by a demonic force that is determined to destroy the roots of sanity, love and spiritual health by which our marriage and family were built.

Yet, I know that she is sick. She is my church appointed WIFE of 15 years! She is the mother of my 4 children! I am a man of faith and am committed to the vows I (we) took in front of God. How can I separate/divorce under such life pressing duties and spiritual responsibilities? I could not be more confused. Just writing this makes me mad to even think about a conclusion yet Godly issues, the children and practical/financial/legal matters offer a more delicate consideration.

I am new to BPD and this forum and I beg for solid guidance and support for our 4 beautiful innocent children that are in a toxic childhood drama! I thank you humbly and pray for all of us.

[karma_gal]

My BPD wife secretly left me and our 4 children shortly after Xmas while I took the to a night movie. No one knows where, with who or for how long. We spent a cold, dark, gloomy New Year crying to sleep with fireworks in the background. 2 weeks later, she is still gone! Kids devastated, I was sent home from work today because of my condition (sleep deprived and uncontrollable crying). To continue, this is the 53rd day she has "escaped" since this Fall! Lies, deceit, betrayal, hate, abuse, insults and un-appreciation is all I receive from her. She HATES me, can not touch me, no sexual contact in 7 months. I have caught her in lies, turn all her friends against each other, also suffers from bi-polar/depression. We have tried tapering off 4 different medications but the madness continues if not escalates. I know she is involved in risky sexual activities, I have caught her several times on social networks with profile as single, no children and makes contact with men online. She wears no wedding ring and denies her family status in public. She is ashamed of me, treats me with disgust and spite, full of threats and still wants the kids equally. She has no remorse, no shame and the abuse and neglect toward the children continue!

Issue is, SHE wants a divorce. She wants to separate. She feels "strong" enough and suddenly confident enough, after so many years she says, to finally admit she wants to move on. She is filled with incidents in our relationship from the 90´s! She attacks me about these things like they are happening now! She completely and totally hates me. The children to her are stumbling blocks and a weight to bear. Spends time with them out of obligation and as conscience/guilt relief. She does not feel, she does not care, she has no limits-boundaries-fears or responsibilities. She does not work yet is desperate for rest and time alone. She has everyone manipulated, separated and used to her advantage. She is not an evil person to the core, yet she seems possessed by a demonic force that is determined to destroy the roots of sanity, love and spiritual health by which our marriage and family were built.

Yet, I know that she is sick. She is my church appointed WIFE of 15 years! She is the mother of my 4 children! I am a man of faith and am committed to the vows I (we) took in front of God. How can I separate/divorce under such life pressing duties and spiritual responsibilities? I could not be more confused. Just writing this makes me mad to even think about a conclusion yet Godly issues, the children and practical/financial/legal matters offer a more delicate consideration.

I am new to BPD and this forum and I beg for solid guidance and support for our 4 beautiful innocent children that are in a toxic childhood drama! I thank you humbly and pray for all of us.

Wow, you have a lot going on and my heart aches for you and those children. 

First, I am going to say that I understand, appreciate and respect your religious views on not wanting a divorce.  I'm Catholic, and so I have struggled with the very same thoughts over and over and over again.  However, she left you, she wants a divorce, and unfortunately, you can't stop her from getting one if she really wants one.  What you can, and must do, is protect yourself and your children.  You have an obligation to protect your children more than you have an obligation to put up with this crap from your wife. 

The first thing I will say is what is often said on another board that I'm part of.  A majority of spouses there are suffering from some type of mental illness although not BPD exclusively.  What they tell us is that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.  And so I would say the same thing to you, if saving it is what you are aiming for here.

Aside from that, though, the first thing I would do if it were me would be to find a lawyer and seek full custody of the kids, using the abandonment as the basis.  Why?  Because she's their mother and if she decides to come there today and take the kids, there's not a damn thing you can do to stop her.  If you can at least get a temporary custody order, you can save yourself and the kids a whole lot of issues later on, if she decides she's not coming back.  This also gives you the advantage of going first, putting her charades in front of the Court, and usually helps you fare better down the line if you guys decide divorce is the only solution.  I always say, I'm big and can handle anything, but when the behavior extends to my kids, as hers has in your case, then the gloves come off and I am going to do what I need to do for my kids. 

So just some stuff off the top of my head because I'm working and on a quick break.

For you, if you are having anxiety, trouble sleeping, anything, call your PCP and ask for medicine if you think it will help.  You have so much going on that you need to be as level headed as possible. 

Call an attorney -- or you can do it yourself; the forms are online probably with your local court -- and get temporary orders for custody and support of the kids.

If she is engaging in risky sexual behavior now, she probably has in the past.  Make an appointment and get a full STD panel for yourself to make sure she isn't sharing any nastiness with you. 

Talk with the counselors at your kids' schools and get recommendations on how to assist them going through this.  Even as screwed up as she sounds, she is still their mother and they have to be suffering immensely with her just walking out.  Kids internalize this stuff and think it's their fault.  They are going to need all the help they can get to deal with this.  I know kids are resilient, but this kind of stuff is devastating to them. 

Ask yourself why, given all that you wrote, you still want to be with this woman, aside from the religious issues.  She does not sound like much of a wife, partner, or mother.  What are you getting out of the relationship if she's denying you sex, denying her family, treats you with disgust and spite and contempt? 

If she wants to be on her own, let her be on her own.  She's an adult and you can't make her come home and do what she's supposed to do.  Heck, you can't make her come home, period.  Let her find out the hard way that life isn't easy, especially with no job.  Those people she's used and is using?  They'll figure it out and pull back.  Then she will either have to find another sucker or grow up and be an adult and figure out that life isn't easy and there won't always be someone there to support her. 

As a religious man, pray, and I will pray for you, as well.  You are going to get through this.  It may take a while, you may feel like you've been drug through hell by the time it ends, but you're going to get through this.

[Seneca]

i second everything karma-gal said, with big exclamation points on:

- temporary custody based on abandonment. do it! do NOT hesitate. she is their mother and she could easily use them as pawns to hurt or manipulate you, and mess them up. here is the reality: mentally ill/ disordered/ addicted adults come from mentally ill/ disordered/ addicted parents. you MUST put your children first. you have a chance to give them a stable life apart from her - for godssakes, take it.

- i am an evangelical christian, who was raised catholic. i know ALL about the shoulds and musts and commitments and sins. in my faith tradition, i was taught that the only reasonable reason (permissible in the law of Moses) to divorce a spouse is for infidelity. now WHY is that? that is because the vow to stay true to your spouse has been broken. but you made other vows. you vowed to "love" "honor" "cherish" "respect", and i know from living with a pwBPD for 13 years that those vows are "broke" "broke" "broke" and "broke". i have struggled with this long and hard, and have come to the personal conclusion that if God says this is all i am worth, this is the treatment I deserve, then I don't want that God. I haven't lost my faith, but I no longer believe in these dogmatic practices that have kept people in spiritual, sexual and emotional bondage for centuries. think of all of the women who were ruthlessly beat up and raped by their husbands throughout history, because it was their marital right. treatment we would never tolerate now! Christ died to give you an abundant life. I ask you brother, are you living abundantly? what about your kids - are they? if you still feel it is a sin, then you can make a decision to not remarry or date. even if you lived a priests' life after this, it's a hell of a lot better than the life you're living, isn't it?

- psychological help for you and the kids if you can afford it. (and, i hate to say this... . cause i GET it, i really do. but don't bother with a christian counselor... . go to a real psychiatrist or social worker. been there, done that... . they got no friggin clue. they are trying to tell me that my husband's illness is spiritual warfare. to pray it away and try to be a better wife. do we pray cancer away? silliest dang thing. all it did was keep me thinking that i was the problem, and begging God to change me and make me better, when the dude is friggin SICK.) ask your PCP for a short term anti-depressant to take the edges off so you can function.

- get a lawyer. her behavior has progressed to the point that you need to be prepared, know your rights and get the ball rolling.

brother, i am so so sorry. but there are no miracles with BPD. she will not get better. but there is life after this mess, i promise you. God has a plan for you, plans to give you a hope and a future. He will never leave you, and He will not be angry with you for protecting your children and yourself from further harm. 

[Seneca]

also, Private message me if you want to talk more of the spiritual aspects and ramifications. i don't want to clog everyone's eyes up with Jesus if they aren't into that sort of thing.