I need to brave up some more

[StarStruck]

Hi -

To cut a long story short... . My Mom uBPD witch type, has been pretty neglectful for a number of years - I stopped making the shortful up - by doing this I started on the path of LC.

Recently as I found this site and continued doing a whole bunch of reading I realized that I needed more time to heal... . so I organically ended up going VLC - haven't voiced it to Mom.

I left the impression (a few years ago!) that she will me meeting my partner. (I live away). Before I went VLC. If I don't make the visit... . this will be pointing more in the direction of NC. (THIS visit is hanging over me)

- I am the happiest I have ever been with the VLC path. I feel sick at the thought of meeting but scared of what this obvious sign to her will show. I feel like I want to bottle and meet her but I don't want to do that either  .

I feel I'm so ruddy close to moving on completely (keeping the VLC in check). (I fully appreciate all the saddness that holds - I wish she was normal!) I wonder if I can just carry on doing VLC without the visit. (I feel this 'betrayal' will push for NC).

BTW True to form it looks like it's me instigating all of this for none other than my selfish reasons - when this couldn't be further from the truth , I am trying to gain a good life.

Could NC happen organically without an explanation and the 'survivor' be happy with a closure that's not been formalized - any of you guys that have done that?

talking of practicalities; she has mobile number, email address but nothing else.

Hi to all you guys & girls

PS. Prob a little too much info but what's prompted me to write this mail is that - if I drop back to sleep in the mornings (oversleep) I have been having a dream with her in it - starting to pee me off. Obviously something that is on my mind!

[Sitara]

I'm still in the VLC stage, but it's likely to move towards NC, and I don't know that I'll flat out tell her I'm going NC.  We already had a conversation about how she needs to be more respectful if she wants a relationship and her choice was to silent treatment me unless she wants to give something to my kids.  I feel I've already covered everything in my last big attempt to salvage our relationship.  There's nothing she hasn't already been told.  I don't think saying a formal "I'm done" would do anything for either side.

I think it has a lot to do with how you would feel.  Would you be okay just cutting ties, or do you need to make one last attempt to be heard and let it all out?  A lot would have to do with her reaction to your NC too.  My mom is an "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" type, so she's cut me out first because "she can see these things coming."  So if I go all the way to NC I'll probably never hear from her again.  Others seem to have parents who will keep contacting them, and in that case it seems that it might be more helpful to tell that parent you're going NC - it might stop them from trying to constantly contact you. 

I left the impression (a few years ago!) that she will me meeting my partner. (I live away). Before I went VLC. If I don't make the visit... . this will be pointing more in the direction of NC. (THIS visit is hanging over me)

Why is this visit hanging over your head?  Do you want your partner to meet her?  Why do you feel you should?  And why would not making the visit make you NC?

[StarStruck]

Hi Sitara -

I'm so thankful you replied  .

I feel good reading that you raised something too her. (I have tried with mine in the past just grazing on stuff and it hits a brick wall so I stopped). This has not happened for me yet or maybe never.

Maybe that's the question I need to ask myself before the chance has gone, I did think I would be happy to leave it but I will rethink to be on safe side. Maybe because this is coming up I feel I think to recheck my decisions.

My mom is an "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" type, so she's cut me out first because "she can see these things coming."

Same here.

So if I go all the way to NC I'll probably never hear from her again.  Others seem to have parents who will keep contacting them, and in that case it seems that it might be more helpful to tell that parent you're going NC - it might stop them from trying to constantly contact you.  

Mine is def never see her again. I think even the reason she has been so distant up until know is because of the mirror that's been held up by me all my life - mostly not intentionally. It's my good memory that's the problem apparently. (When Ive raised stuff it's "oh you do remember everything don't you" ... as if that's a answer? If she said that know I'd know what to say back!)

Why is this visit hanging over your head?  :)o you want your partner to meet her?  Why do you feel you should?  And why would not making the visit make you NC?

I think the visit is over my head because it's what I promised.

My partner said he liked to meet just the once but if it's not right he's ok with that. (I'm bit embassed of it because of his family, they don't mentioned it but prob know he has never met my mom - i need to get over that).

If I didn't make to visit, it's like an obvious sign to her I don't won't to know I feel like it's a type of benchmark maybe "you haven't even met her partner yet... . " type thing

I really value you getting back Sitara thanks - really hope all's well your end

[Sitara]

I think the visit is over my head because it's what I promised.

I was taught that once you gave your word it was unbreakable under any circumstance.  This is a very dangerous thought process.  Because of it, I stuck much longer in an abusive relationship with a man whom I'd gotten engaged to.  My main reason for staying?  I told him I'd marry him - gave him my word - and I needed to do everything in my power to keep that promise.  Just promising her she could meet him isn't good enough to introduce him, however I completely understand why it would be bothering you.  Sometimes it's important to allow yourself to break promises.

My partner said he liked to meet just the once but if it's not right he's ok with that. (I'm bit embassed of it because of his family, they don't mentioned it but prob know he has never met my mom - i need to get over that).

Have you asked him why it's important for him to meet her?  Do you feel like you're obligated to introduce them because he asked?

If I didn't make to visit, it's like an obvious sign to her I don't won't to know I feel like it's a type of benchmark maybe "you haven't even met her partner yet... . " type thing

What is it that you are afraid of here?  That she'll be hurt?  That you'll have to deal with fallout?  Or something else?

[StarStruck]

I'm completely with you about the promise thing. I have to think off this like an exceptional case whereby I can think differently - thank you.

Also going to explore why it's important for him to meet etc. a bit more.

If I didn't make to visit, it's like an obvious sign to her I don't won't to know I feel like it's a type of benchmark maybe "you haven't even met her partner yet... . " type thing

What is it that you are afraid of here?  That she'll be hurt?  That you'll have to deal with fallout?  Or something else?

That it will push for NC and what that will mean for me in terms me having to explain to my brother in particular. (he's not clueless to her - just not as informed as me). This will need managing as small chance he will want to try and put it right. Starting from zero is not what I have in mind, believe me I spent time already thinking if resolution is possible and my conclusion a fat NO.

It's buckle up StarStruck and put your money where your mouth is time I think. Wonderful :/. As if we haven't been through enough already.

Hey like ripping a plastic off I'm sure :D

[Sitara]

You're strong.  You've gotten this far. 

[StarStruck]

Thanks so much