My soon to be ex is asking for help

[metalone]

i have posted on this forum in the past, I was undesided at that time but i now am moving on with my life, working on taking care of me and my kids from the marriage to my BPDW. my soon to be ex has had an affair and done so many things that have strained the relationship between her and our kids, ages 12, 16 and 19. the kids are currently in theropy and making good progress. in the past me and my wife went through marriage counciling, that was a disaster, and individual counciling which was a waste of time for her. during a recent round of heated discussion with soon to be ex i made some comments that have sparked her to want to seek help with the things she feels and struggle with and has ask me to help her find someone that can help her. i am in South Carolina in the region known as the Upstate region. i am located within resonable driving distance of greenville, Spartanburg, even Charlotte North Carolina or Ashville North Carolina. from all i have read and having experienced years with a wife that is BPD, i need a phsychatrist that is experienced with working with BPD patients and capable of helping her if she is truely at a point and ready for help. does anyone have any recomendations for someone in that area that is qualified?

[irishmarmot]

  My expwBPD also asked me to help her find a therapist even though she said she has been in therapy for 22 years.  My opinion is that if she really wants help then she must make the effort herself.  She is an adult and can make a phone call to get help.  We are all responsible for our own happiness so she needs to do it herself.

[metalone]

Irishmarmot, i want to Thank You for your post. I really appreciate the men and women that contribute to this forum and i am thankful that i stumbled up and found this forum to help keep me grounded and assist and guide me through the tangled web of life that is loving, sharing life, and now divorsing with a spouce with BPD. Until i stumbled on the book, Stop Walking On Egg Shells, that gave me understanding of what i was dealing with, my life before the book was much easier with my wife even though my actions were making her worse. i used anger and resentment to keep me in check. when i read the book and had a better understanding of the illness. i find myself still today, even though i know better, feel sorry for her and wanting any way i  can to get her to see her illness is doing to our family our kids in particular, and get help to stop her damaging her relationship with our children and me... . Truely loving someone with BPD has got to be one of the cruelest and toughest things a person can endure, my love for my children and for her makes me want to get her help so bad... . but i also know SHE HAS TO BE THE ONE THAT WANTS IT! You can lead a horse to water... . but you cant make it drink! i really appreciate your post, it put me back in check where i needed to be to start with and put my emotions back in the box on the shelf where they have to stay when i deal with her. if she has truely reached the point in her life where she wants help with the illness she is dealing with she will initiate the search for help. i am going to continue to work on fixing me and loving, caring for and protecting my kids from illness that consumes their mom.

Thank You again, and God Bless you and everyone that is dealing with a loved one that is suffering with BPD.

[heartandwhole]

metalone,

It's so hard to step back from someone we love, especially if they are asking for help.    I agree with both of you, your ex has to want it more than you do.  If she really wants help, nothing will stop her getting it – she won't wait for you to find her a therapist.

Focusing on you and your children is the best thing you can do.  Get as healthy as you can, and find joy and well being again.  You never know, she just may follow your lead.