It's time for me to grow up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I first joined this board a couple of weeks ago, I was truly ambivalent about whether or not I should stay in a r/s with my uBPDh.  Today, I read this thread, (titled Grow Up - Them or Us?) on the leaving board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217341.msg12372204#msg12372204

I've been having a difficult week - a lot of the activities in which my children participate this time of year, remind me of my husband's behavior this time last year -- watching him texting and emailing and constantly on his phone and not knowing why (I now know that he was posting ads on Craigslist soliciting sex from women who weren't getting the love they wanted out their own marriages and relationships--like his--how ironic).  I've been feeling angry and haven't disconnected from my children and their activities so today, I decided to "grow up" myself.

I don't want another 20 years of my life to pass in misery and heartache so I will begin to work on an exit plan.

Divorce and co-parenting won't be easy but neither is living in a loveless, hostile marriage.  I'm still young and still have an opportunity to define myself and find my happiness. 

So, here's to growing up…

[looking4myself]

When I first joined this board a couple of weeks ago, I was truly ambivalent about whether or not I should stay in a r/s with my uBPDh.  Today, I read this thread, (titled Grow Up - Them or Us?) on the leaving board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217341.msg12372204#msg12372204

I've been having a difficult week - a lot of the activities in which my children participate this time of year, remind me of my husband's behavior this time last year -- watching him texting and emailing and constantly on his phone and not knowing why (I now know that he was posting ads on Craigslist soliciting sex from women who weren't getting the love they wanted out their own marriages and relationships--like his--how ironic).  I've been feeling angry and haven't disconnected from my children and their activities so today, I decided to "grow up" myself.

I don't want another 20 years of my life to pass in misery and heartache so I will begin to work on an exit plan.

Divorce and co-parenting won't be easy but neither is living in a loveless, hostile marriage.  I'm still young and still have an opportunity to define myself and find my happiness. 

So, here's to growing up…

[seeking balance]

Hey Looking - so, you are on the undecided board with this post... . you sound pretty decided - did you mean to be here or on Leaving?

Are you sure you are ready for a move in your life like this?

[looking4myself]

Hi, Seeking.

I posted on this board because even though I've decided to take the steps towards leaving, I have to stay in this situation until I've prepared myself properly.

There are times when I think that I'm the crazy one--that I'm making this all up in my mind and that if I behaved differently, things would change.  Part of me knows that isn't true but the other part doesn't.  I can't seem to get past blaming myself for staying in this relationship for so long and for allowing it to affect me so deeply.  I feel like I've failed myself and my children.

Meanwhile, my uBPDh is raging at my son over green beans, in front of his friends.