Today is rough

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

   I'm 7 weeks N/C.  Having an emotional day. There are  more good says than bad. Today i am missing my xBPDgf & the good times & how she laid her head on my chest and fell asleep and the kisses that felt like no other. Not going to break N/C. I sure am feeling weak right at this moment.   I've research BPD for the better part of a month and I have a pretty good understanding of the events that unfolded. Just needed to get this out. Any advice would be appreciated... .


I am with family right know just cant shake it. I wish she was a healthy person (but she's not).  Trying to stay positive is harder today than yesterday.

[sun seeker]

 

   I'm 7 weeks N/C.  Having an emotional day. There are  more good says than bad. Today i am missing my xBPDgf & the good times & how she laid her head on my chest and fell asleep and the kisses that felt like no other. Not going to break N/C. I sure am feeling weak right at this moment.   I've research BPD for the better part of a month and I have a pretty good understanding of the events that unfolded. Just needed to get this out. Any advice would be appreciated... .


I am with family right know just cant shake it. I wish she was a healthy person (but she's not).  Trying to stay positive is harder today than yesterday.

[santa]

I feel your pain, brother. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm a bit gloomy about things today myself.

The show must go on though.

[Waifed]

Try to force yourself to think about something other than her. I know it sounds silly but your mind can really only think of one thing at a time. Once your depression kicks in it will be nothing but negative thoughts unless you intentionally change those thoughts.

I know this is easier said than done. I just had two bad days in a row but today has been good.

[Ironmanrises]

Even 6 months NC, I can relate to how you feel. Thoughts of her kisses and such, visit me. And then I remember the last few horrific days I spent with her in her house where I witnessed the schism of her personality. Where I saw, first hand, the side of her that hates me, followed by the original side that doesn't. A fractured soul, whose very jagged edges have cut through me. Memories of her, will die a slow death. Hang in there. We all know how you feel. 

[sun seeker]

  Thanks Santa & Waif

  Youre 100% correct. Got to get positive thoughts going & stay active. I havnt had good sleep in a while, trying to stay away from sleep aids, gunna have to take a couple advil p.m. tonight. I have some stuff to do around the house & im talking a long ride on my sportbike tomorrow. I keep telling myself that these feeling are only  temporary.

I went on a date last night and it went well but I am not ready yet. i was honest with her and said what i had been through she understood and i made a new friend. She had a bipolar ex and could relate.

 

[sun seeker]

 Thanks ironman

Very well put. This  board is a blessing. 6 months n/c is inspsiring.Good job.  Got to get off these thoughts. And I will. Thanks to all you guys for taking the time to help a stranger. Atleast i know there are some good ppl jn this world.

[Ironmanrises]

Sunseeker,

My pleasure. Keep posting on these boards. The people on here will help you. As they have helped me.

[irishmarmot]

Keep strong sun seeker, the feelings will pass! 

[Waifed]

Even 6 months NC, I can relate to how you feel. Thoughts of her kisses and such, visit me. And then I remember the last few horrific days I spent with her in her house where I witnessed the schism of her personality. Where I saw, first hand, the side of her that hates me, followed by the original side that doesn't. A fractured soul, whose very jagged edges have cut through me. Memories of her, will die a slow death. Hang in there. We all know how you feel.  

Ironman

It sounds like you are doing well. I remember the complete misery we were both going through just a few months ago. Life slowly improves.  If we can get through this we can handle anything.

Sun seeker

I went on a few dates earlier an wasn't ready either. It doesn't hurt to put yourself out there every once in a while to see where you are. 

[maxen]

hi sunseeker. we have all been where you are. if you're with family, hang with them. sit with them, talk with them, and then post here, talk with us. we're all in this with you.

[Ironmanrises]

Even 6 months NC, I can relate to how you feel. Thoughts of her kisses and such, visit me. And then I remember the last few horrific days I spent with her in her house where I witnessed the schism of her personality. Where I saw, first hand, the side of her that hates me, followed by the original side that doesn't. A fractured soul, whose very jagged edges have cut through me. Memories of her, will die a slow death. Hang in there. We all know how you feel.  

Ironman

It sounds like you are doing well. I remember the complete misery we were both going through just a few months ago. Life slowly improves.  If we can get through this we can handle anything.

Sun seeker

I went on a few dates earlier an wasn't ready either. It doesn't hurt to put yourself out there every once in a while to see where you are. 

My acceptance of this unfortunate ordeal has slowly been increasing. What other choice is there, really, for you, me, all of us here? Memories of her, haunt me still; no doubt. I remember the pain you were in too, when you first came here. These may be just words scrawled across a computer screen/phone screen, yet all the words presented resonate clearly.

[Waifed]

They do resonate. You have been a friend to me and so many others.

[RecycledNoMore]

Congratulations on 7 wks Sunseeker:)

Im sorry your feeling this way, 7 wks in for me was just crap crap crap with a side of crap:)

Ive found for me that its a process, feelin good 1 day feelin bad the next, its natural, eventually youl find that the good days start to outweigh the bad, but it takes time...

Im glad your with your family, surrounding yourself with people who love you is a good thing.

[arn131arn]

Sun seeker, i was exactly where u are a week ago. I was homicidal/suicidal. The darkest place I've ever been. It was 430 in the am I was in a bed we shared for a decade by myself. I made a decision that I would not give up, I would not give in, I would not falter. I got up and screamed to the top of my lungs "I WILL NOT LOSE¡ I WILL NOT DIE. I WILL FIGHT! YOU hitING BITCH!" and starting this past monday I have taken actions to get there. If u want to change ur current state- make the decision and more importantly take the action.

Arn

[sun seeker]

 Thanks to everyone... . I honestly don't know where I would be mentally with out you guys.

  Im right thier with you Arn.

  I did that this morning while riding my sportbike down the interstate yelling at the top of my lungs in my helmet. I WILL NOT LET THIS  CONTROL MY FEELINGS , I WILL NOT BEAT MYSELF DOWN ANY LONGER, YOU F***ING SUCCUBUS!

[sun seeker]

 And y'll have a friend in my as well... .

[winston72]

Hey SunSeeker... . I hope you are feeling better as the day goes on.  Seven weeks is still pretty early in the process.  I find that it ebbs and flows for me still.  Also, over time I found that allowing the feelings, whatever they are, to have their own life and flow through me has been the best way forward.  Initially, I feared the longing and the feelings of missing her because I felt there was nowhere for them to go once we had broken up... . they would only lead me to wanting someone I could not have.  They would lead me to oblivion and I would die!  Looks silly, but it is what I felt, and still feel. 

The good times were the good times, and they always will be.  Funny that you mentioned her head on your chest.  I had a very similar recollection today myself.  With time and distance, I have been able to recover and experience some of those good times within the context of the whole painful mess.  And, of course, learning how to accept and hold together all of the contradictory experiences and feelings is a big part of recovering from this type of relationship.

Thanks for your post... .

[State85]

SunSeeker

Sorry for what you are going through. When I talk to friends or family, they just don't understand. People on this board do, they know and can relate. If you feel weak, feeling like you want to do something you may regret... . come to this board, post what you're thinking... it helps. Arn, Ironman, Waifed, Santa, and others have helped me so much. We are in this together. Stay strong, don't let that biatch get the best of you... .