I was with my uBPDw for 28 years, married for 24, and it seemed that I could do nothing correctly.
After 10 years of marriage she had an affair, she tells me about in on 2/14, to which I tell her to leave. She goes off for a week with her new love until he dumps her and she comes back wanting to get back together. We had 3 children under 10 at the time, so I took her back. We went to see a therapist to deal with the betrayal and some how it was all my fault, she had no accountability in what she had done. As time went on she would get upset with me that I was still hurt by her affair, and told me that I should be over it by now (it had only been a year the first time she said it).
As time went on, about every 6 months she would "need" to find herself and start going to the bars until closing. We still had small children and she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but she was out half the night dancing with strangers and hung over most of the next day. I didn't approve and when I asked her to stop she claimed that I was being so over bearing that she had to get out and let off some steam. I attempted a compromise and asked that she only go out until 12am or 1am, and was told that "the party doesn't even start until 11 so coming home at midnight won't work."
In the last 6 months of our marriage she had me convinced that I was the one with BPD and that I needed therapy. I made an appointment and convinced her to go to a session with me. She ended up going to individual sessions where she told the therapist that I forced her to have sex and kept her as a slave since I took her back from her first known affair. Using this lie she and the therapist decided that no sex until she was "healed" would be in order, again all my fault.
On night after a session it just felt as if she was not "into" it, so I asked her to talk to me, share with me where her mind was. She denied that anything was wrong and with a little pressuring she finally tells me that she is done, she doesn't want to be married any more and that she wants to leave. When I asked her why she went to therapy when she was ready to leave, she blamed it all on me; she was on the precipice of indecision and my questions pushed her over the edge and forced her to leave.
The way she left the relationship left me feeling guilty and confused and heart broken. I have been NC for a month and doing therapy once a week for two months, the therapist confirmed for me that I was not BPD nor was I the cause of all our problems and that validation meant everything.
I still find myself ruminating over her and wondering what she is doing. Last I checked she was onto her second man, married nonetheless, and still playing the victim while she villainizes me to our friends, relatives, and adult children.
I have finally started to deprogram all the hate and blame she pushed on me over the years and it feels so liberating. I look forward to the day that I don't think about her, but until then I take it one hour at a time.
SC
