I have finally started to deprogram all the hate and blame

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was with my uBPDw for 28 years, married for 24, and it seemed that I could do nothing correctly.

After 10 years of marriage she had an affair, she tells me about in on 2/14, to which I tell her to leave. She goes off for a week with her new love until he dumps her and she comes back wanting to get back together. We had 3 children under 10 at the time, so I took her back. We went to see a therapist to deal with the betrayal and some how it was all my fault, she had no accountability in what she had done. As time went on she would get upset with me that I was still hurt by her affair, and told me that I should be over it by now (it had only been a year the first time she said it).

As time went on, about every 6 months she would "need" to find herself and start going to the bars until closing. We still had small children and she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but she was out half the night dancing with strangers and hung over most of the next day. I didn't approve and when I asked her to stop she claimed that I was being so over bearing that she had to get out and let off some steam. I attempted a compromise and asked that she only go out until 12am or 1am, and was told that "the party doesn't even start until 11 so coming home at midnight won't work."

In the last 6 months of our marriage she had me convinced that I was the one with BPD and that I needed therapy. I made an appointment and convinced her to go to a session with me. She ended up going to individual sessions where she told the therapist that I forced her to have sex and kept her as a slave since I took her back from her first known affair. Using this lie she and the therapist decided that no sex until she was "healed" would be in order, again all my fault.

On night after a session it just felt as if she was not "into" it, so I asked her to talk to me, share with me where her mind was. She denied that anything was wrong and with a little pressuring she finally tells me that she is done, she doesn't want to be married any more and that she wants to leave. When I asked her why she went to therapy when she was ready to leave, she blamed it all on me; she was on the precipice of indecision and my questions pushed her over the edge and forced her to leave.

The way she left the relationship left me feeling guilty and confused and heart broken. I have been NC for a month and doing therapy once a week for two months, the therapist confirmed for me that I was not BPD nor was I the cause of all our problems and that validation meant everything.

I still find myself ruminating over her and wondering what she is doing. Last I checked she was onto her second man, married nonetheless, and still playing the victim while she villainizes me to our friends, relatives, and adult children.

I have finally started to deprogram all the hate and blame she pushed on me over the years and it feels so liberating. I look forward to the day that I don't think about her, but until then I take it one hour at a time.  

SC

[ScathednConfused]

I was with my uBPDw for 28 years, married for 24, and it seemed that I could do nothing correctly.

After 10 years of marriage she had an affair, she tells me about in on 2/14, to which I tell her to leave. She goes off for a week with her new love until he dumps her and she comes back wanting to get back together. We had 3 children under 10 at the time, so I took her back. We went to see a therapist to deal with the betrayal and some how it was all my fault, she had no accountability in what she had done. As time went on she would get upset with me that I was still hurt by her affair, and told me that I should be over it by now (it had only been a year the first time she said it).

As time went on, about every 6 months she would "need" to find herself and start going to the bars until closing. We still had small children and she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but she was out half the night dancing with strangers and hung over most of the next day. I didn't approve and when I asked her to stop she claimed that I was being so over bearing that she had to get out and let off some steam. I attempted a compromise and asked that she only go out until 12am or 1am, and was told that "the party doesn't even start until 11 so coming home at midnight won't work."

In the last 6 months of our marriage she had me convinced that I was the one with BPD and that I needed therapy. I made an appointment and convinced her to go to a session with me. She ended up going to individual sessions where she told the therapist that I forced her to have sex and kept her as a slave since I took her back from her first known affair. Using this lie she and the therapist decided that no sex until she was "healed" would be in order, again all my fault.

On night after a session it just felt as if she was not "into" it, so I asked her to talk to me, share with me where her mind was. She denied that anything was wrong and with a little pressuring she finally tells me that she is done, she doesn't want to be married any more and that she wants to leave. When I asked her why she went to therapy when she was ready to leave, she blamed it all on me; she was on the precipice of indecision and my questions pushed her over the edge and forced her to leave.

The way she left the relationship left me feeling guilty and confused and heart broken. I have been NC for a month and doing therapy once a week for two months, the therapist confirmed for me that I was not BPD nor was I the cause of all our problems and that validation meant everything.

I still find myself ruminating over her and wondering what she is doing. Last I checked she was onto her second man, married nonetheless, and still playing the victim while she villainizes me to our friends, relatives, and adult children.

I have finally started to deprogram all the hate and blame she pushed on me over the years and it feels so liberating. I look forward to the day that I don't think about her, but until then I take it one hour at a time.  

SC

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi ScathednConfused,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent separation, that is really painful. Your feelings of guilt and confusion and heartbreak are so understandable.

You said you've been NC for a month – is that how long you've been apart now?  That is very fresh. 

We have tons of information that will help you get through this, and lots of members who can relate.  You are definitely not alone!

Have you seen this: Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

I can't tell you how much it helped me when I first got here.  Keep writing, Scathed.  We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[ScathednConfused]

Thanks heartandwhole, it brought tears to my eyes just reading your reply.

Yes, at the time of my posting we had only been apart for a month, although she was emotionally detaching for over a decade. By the end I was so confused that she had convinced me that I was the problem for the entirety of our relationship and that I most probably had BPD.

She used our marriage counselor as a means of manipulation as well by telling him in her private sessions how evil I was and that whenever we had sex it was equivalent to rape in her eyes, they decided to "exercise boundaries" and say that there would be no sex until she felt good enough to initiate it. That lasted a month when I pressured her to tell me where she was in the healing process and she blew up and said it was over, she moved out of the bedroom that night. We lived on opposite ends of the house for a month while she manipulated me into giving her almost everything and then moved out to be with her fckbuddy while she wooed my official replacement.

It has now been two months since she left and has turned our adult children. She has twice used them to get back into the family home and take things she wanted. I was forced to change the locks and deny my children access to the home without me present--another painful process.

I was forced to repossess the truck that she was driving as she had no insurance and it was in my name, to which she broadcast to the world (over facebook) that I had stolen "her" truck and was dangerous and unstable. Of course our children read and even took part in the conversation, unfortunately the kids no longer talk to me and are not open to hearing the other side of the story.

My heart is slowly coming out of the fog but is no where near caught up with my logical mind. I still find myself hurting when I hear that she is off spending the weekend with my replacement or when she goes off on a rage and tells the world how horrible I am.

I have been told that I need to embrace the grief and work through it, which I make every effort to do, however I find that that is also the times I find myself ruminating on the past and ultimately making myself feel worse.

It has only been a few months but it feels like forever. She recently stole over $5000 from an account of mine to pay for her divorce attorney--the insults just keep coming.

I have perused a few of the tools and articles on here and greatly value the input of the members here, such as yourself, that have experienced the same pain and can truly relate. I very often feel like such a burden telling my family and friends about my pain.

Thank you

SC

[arn131arn]

Scathed, I can totally relate. I was with mine for 14 years. The last 8 she detached as soon as we had our son (8). She has moved on, as well, but I am getting stronger. We all will, bro. Keep ur head held high, detach with grace, and work on you, buddy. I believe God takes care of the hearts that dealt with a BPDSO.

[ScathednConfused]

Scathed, I can totally relate. I was with mine for 14 years. The last 8 she detached as soon as we had our son (8). She has moved on, as well, but I am getting stronger. We all will, bro. Keep ur head held high, detach with grace, and work on you, buddy. I believe God takes care of the hearts that dealt with a BPDSO.

Thanks arn,

I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing by taking the high road and doing my best to keep my children out of the middle of things. I feel like my kids hate me right now and it hurts worse than her betrayal.

I was working out yesterday and her and my daughter came into the gym, when she finally saw I was there she began saying hateful things each time they walked past. I would never dream of saying the things I would like to when any of our children are present, I was so embarrassed that my daughter had to see and hear that. But the two of them are more "girlfriends" than mother/daughter. I think it is a very unhealthy boundary, unfortunately my kids will not talk to me and I feel helpless to change things.

[MammaMia]

Scathednconfused

The high road is one taken by good people.  You are a good person.  To forgive and move on is the path to becoming healthy and stable.  Do not let your BPDw or the children goad you into being someone you are not.  If they choose to be angry and bitter, that is their decision, and it will only damage them in the end.

Focus on you.  When they get the message you cannot be manipulated, the taunting may stop.  It is  their problem, not yours.  Others will see what is happening and the high road will serve you well.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself.  You deserve it.

[arn131arn]

Scathed, mine told FB I was gay! Funny thing is, I've only been with beautiful women, and she knows this. Would always tell me how ladies look at me and how she was jealous of my eyes! She has completely alienated our son from me the past 4 months. Who knows what she's telling him, but I've hired an attorney to take care of all that. PM me ur wife's initials, we may be have the same ex! Lol. Welcome in! This is a great family, and everyone here will love you until u can become stronger.