Does BPD instability grow WITHIN a marriage?

[Wanna Move On]

I've read numerous articles in numerous places -- including on this and other BPD-related websites -- providing numerous anecdotal stories/circumstantial evidence that some married [especially newly married] BPD's (some? many? most?) WORSEN their dysregulations within many aspects of intimate interpersonal marriage relating.

HUUUUUUHHHHHH?    

This seems soo completely paradoxical!

Wouldn't the pwBPD FINALLY feel the emotional safety of being securely bonded within the framework of a legally binding marriage contract?

This would seem to be an utterly illogical emotional and psychological response to a social, emotional, financial (if circumstances apply), and legal setting that -- in theory -- FINALLY gives the pwBPD the "guaranteed" security they have always sought!             

Is there anybody out there who could possibly explain this to me? I am UTTERLY BAFFLED!   

[Changingman]

Up is down and down is up,

but this way is that way,

but down is down and up is here.

Alice in wonderland


It is mental illness, closeness scares them and triggers distance making, distance triggers abandonment issues they draw you in... . push/pull dynamics.

End game for respect, you are nothing because I am worthless

[love4meNOTu]

wanna move on...

I was married on January 4, 2012. On January 26, 2012 I had to go to an overnight work meeting. My exwBPD called me every 10 minutes screaming at me, sure that I was cheating on him. I ended up leaving the social events and returned to the hotel room. Where I spoke to him on the phone for hours. When I came home the next day here's what was said:

':)id you really think I would put up with your independent attitude for forever?"

and

"I will just up and leave you if you don't pay attention to my feelings".

At the time it was incomprehensible, but I knew that something was very wrong with him. I could not help him, his jealousy and paranoia just became worse and worse. It overtook him. It was horrible to see him descending down the darkest path imaginable.

He wanted me to be his. But once I was, he was consumed with the fact that I could leave.

It's a horrible paradox, and it's what drove me away.

Blessings,

Lyn

[Pearl55]

Yes, yes changing man


Marriages are end of games for borderlines!

[imstronghere2]

Marriages are end of games for borderlines!

Exactly.  The absolutely WORST thing you can do for yourself in a r/s with a BPD is marry them.  They will NEVER trust you completely and will NEVER invest themselves in the r/s.   The ONLY thing that motivates them is your ability to leave and once you marry them, they no longer think you have the strength or courage to do that so you've been conquered.  On to the next conquest (victim). 

I fought with my exwBPD for 2.5 years before I married her.  I figured if we were married it would HAVE to get better than it was.  GOOD LORD was I an idiot.  That was 21 years ago.  Been divorced for about 2.5 years.   

[Tincanmike]

Yes and yes.  I wanted commitment, honesty. I believed in the sanctity of marriage (which seems rare these days).  I didn't ask her to marry me without questioning my motives. I knew she had a slew of mental problems, and up to that point we had some truly traumatic events.  I thought that by getting married, maybe things would get more serious and we could work on all of the problems.  That maybe we would be more committed because of the seriousness of the agreement that comes with marriage.

She, obviously didn't see it this way.  I wanted to settle down and grow old with her.  I even envisioned us sitting together in our old age happy.  But it seems that she felt trapped by marriage and maybe even our relationship in itself.  She was first married and pregnant in high school and never graduated.  She then moved on to other relationships and finally met me.  No breaks for herself.  When we split she even said that she wanted to be alone and wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone.  This lasted for about two weeks.  And suddenly she was in "love" and moving in with a guy.  Oh yeah, and this all happened during a recycle with me.

They are addicted to you and the idea of normalcy and yet it scares the crap out of them at the same time.  It is this constant inner struggle that they live with every day.  She couldn't live with me, but she couldn't live alone either.  I guess she really doesn't know what she wants, except in any given moment.  And so, I move on to the beginning stages of divorce. They don't make a manual for this stuff.  And there is no warranty! 

[Monarch Butterfly]

My uBPDh family's environment was all messed up. He has so many wonderful qualities that if he could just learn to trust he could reach the stars. I thought if I could provide security, warmth, a safe emotional place for him to heal and constant love and that if he could see and feel what home was, he'd see the world was a different place and learn to heal, trust, move on... .

Guess not.

I tried to show him my world. What I got was a glimpse of his... .

[seeking balance]

One of the key components for dysregulation is abandonment - REAL or PERCEIVED.

The marriage itself amplifies the potential for abandonment - rational, no - but very real in the BPD mind.

We had lived together for 2 1/2 years, but I was in MC within 6 months of the wedding and my ex was lining up replacements unbeknownst to me.  I have read many of stories of divorce the first year of marriage even after being together years prior.

Facing and accepting the facts made detaching easier for me - even if the facts didn't make sense.  Once we are detached enough, the disorder actually has a logic to it, flawed logic - but predictable.

Peace,

SB

[Changingman]

My uBPDh family's environment was all messed up. He has so many wonderful qualities that if he could just learn to trust he could reach the stars. I thought if I could provide security, warmth, a safe emotional place for him to heal and constant love and that if he could see and feel what home was, he'd see the world was a different place and learn to heal, trust, move on... .

Guess not.

I tried to show him my world. What I got was a glimpse of his... .

Amen Sister,

We saw into one of the circles of Hell, shattering. I watched 'no country for old men' again yesterday and felt anxious at the portrayal of chugre the psychopath.

Really scary stuff when you have experienced it.