No Contact is a miracle worker

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Anyone not doing no contact is really missing out. I started no contact 4 or 5 days ago and I feel a million times better already. I recommend this to anyone.

[santa]

Anyone not doing no contact is really missing out. I started no contact 4 or 5 days ago and I feel a million times better already. I recommend this to anyone.

[Waifed]

NC is a miracle worker, especially on your stress level. My headaches went away almost immediately. I was popping aspirin nonstop. My concentration at work came back right away as well after spending 2 years (and almost quit the family business because I thought I hated it) trying to figure out why my work performance was suffering.

[santa]

NC is a miracle worker, especially on your stress level. My headaches went away almost immediately. I was popping aspirin nonstop. My concentration at work came back right away as well after spending 2 years (and almost quit the family business because I thought I hated it) trying to figure out why my work performance was suffering.

Any communication with her, good or bad, always ruined my day/distracted the hell out of me. This is the only way to get my life back.

[Tincanmike]

No contact is no involvement. No involvement is no manipulation, no coercing, no bargaining (from either side). No yelling, no lying, no begging, no crying, no second-guessing. It is no 911 calls, no throwing things, no slamming doors, no late night visits from ex-boyfriends "needing help", no houses full of paramedics, firefighters and police.  No suicide attempts, cutting on one's self, physical altercations. It is no enabling, no co-dependance, no family fights, no leaving the house in the middle of the night to escape the chaos.    

No contact is lonely.  No contact is wondering what they're doing, who they're with, how they are doing.  No contact is a tool.  And yes, it is the best tool we can have at our disposal right now for moving forward, without influence from someone that we might still have emotional ties to.  No contact allows us clarity without the distractions of the chaotic workings of the confused minds of someone who is suffering from mental illness.  

I really thought that I could continue to be friends.  That I was emotionally strong enough to handle this. To handle her issues, her new boyfriend, her bad decisions.  But I now know that at least for the time being, I am not able to handle her and myself at the same time.  She is a handful!  No contact is the first and continuing part of being able to detach.

[State85]

No contact is no involvement. No involvement is no manipulation, no coercing, no bargaining (from either side). No yelling, no lying, no begging, no crying, no second-guessing. It is no 911 calls, no throwing things, no slamming doors, no late night visits from ex-boyfriends "needing help", no houses full of paramedics, firefighters and police.  No suicide attempts, cutting on one's self, physical altercations. It is no enabling, no co-dependance, no family fights, no leaving the house in the middle of the night to escape the chaos.    

No contact is lonely.  No contact is wondering what they're doing, who they're with, how they are doing.  No contact is a tool.  And yes, it is the best tool we can have at our disposal right now for moving forward, without influence from someone that we might still have emotional ties to.  No contact allows us clarity without the distractions of the chaotic workings of the confused minds of someone who is suffering from mental illness.  

I really thought that I could continue to be friends.  That I was emotionally strong enough to handle this. To handle her issues, her new boyfriend, her bad decisions.  But I now know that at least for the time being, I am not able to handle her and myself at the same time.  She is a handful!  No contact is the first and continuing part of being able to detach.

I agree. Mine wanted to be friends. I'm not strong enough for that as well. And, nothing would change... . nothing. Friends is not possible in my opinion. I'm NC, and I do wonder what she is doing and with whom. But, we've got to stop that kinda thinking and turn the focus on us!

[Perfidy]

I'm friends with a couple if my ex's. we laugh. We share. We support each other. We empathize. We say the truth to each other. We are friends in the true meaning. No booty calls. No games.

With the mentally ill ex... . No. Too much water under the bridge. Burn that bridge.

[Moonie75]

When I look back, my ex used friends shamelessly!

She was friends with someone while she had a use for them. She was loyal, dependable, helpful & totally there for them... . Until she'd got whatever she needed!

She had no 'real' friends to speak of. She had one old college buddy (female) who she would catch up with from time to time, but it was only when her friend had a use.

Many male friends but only for the purpose of validation & back up. She was the poster girl for the 'seductive with-holder'! She would have these male friends under some kind of spell & thinking they were on the cusp of winning her heart! So, ultimately, using them too!

I need to remember that if she ever applies to be a 'friend'!

[Free2Bee]

No contact has been an island of peace for me. It's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

And I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes - I'm seeing the beauty around me. I swear, for the whole of the holiday season, I didn't notice any of the lights or decorations. I was so steeped in anxiety and overwhelmed with trying to figure out my partner and her latest crisis. Now, I'm noticing the Christmas lights! (just as they're starting come down... . oh well!).

But yeah - it's lonely too. And a challenge for me to go through my day without knowing she's okay. It's really opened my eyes to how much I was doing for her that she really should have been doing for herself. I was busy 'rescuing' and neglecting my own needs. I'm learning so much from this experience, as hard as it is.

[arn131arn]

No contact has been an island of peace for me. It's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

And I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes - I'm seeing the beauty around me. I swear, for the whole of the holiday season, I didn't notice any of the lights or decorations. I was so steeped in anxiety and overwhelmed with trying to figure out my partner and her latest crisis. Now, I'm noticing the Christmas lights! (just as they're starting come down... . oh well!).

But yeah - it's lonely too. And a challenge for me to go through my day without knowing she's okay. It's really opened my eyes to how much I was doing for her that she really should have been doing for herself. I was busy 'rescuing' and neglecting my own needs. I'm learning so much from this experience, as hard as it is.

This hit home for me, Kai.  I walk into my home, and don't have to worry if I loaded the dishwasher correctly, or I do laundry and don't care if the towels went with the other clothes.  Not walking on eggshells is weird.  I don't know what to do with the peace and serenity now.  but I am on edge wondering when the next worls war wuill begin... . strange feeling or sensationi I can't put my head around

[myself]

The peace is very good now, but strange. It takes some getting used to.

We want to share it, but some of our old options aren't available.

Time for something different. NC also means New Choices.

[Moonie75]

I definitely find NC very lonely.

I often go for late night walks when the rest of the world's sleeping. I find it kind of relaxing & pleasant to walk around putting my thoughts in some kind of order.

I do find NC very useful, but also very very difficult to deal with & maintain.

In any given moment it can either feel like a blessing, or a self imposed endurance test. But any of the moments it brings, it's certainly healthy!

[Turkish]

No contact has been an island of peace for me. It's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

And I feel like a veil has been lifted from my eyes - I'm seeing the beauty around me. I swear, for the whole of the holiday season, I didn't notice any of the lights or decorations. I was so steeped in anxiety and overwhelmed with trying to figure out my partner and her latest crisis. Now, I'm noticing the Christmas lights! (just as they're starting come down... . oh well!).

But yeah - it's lonely too. And a challenge for me to go through my day without knowing she's okay. It's really opened my eyes to how much I was doing for her that she really should have been doing for herself. I was busy 'rescuing' and neglecting my own needs. I'm learning so much from this experience, as hard as it is.

This hit home for me, Kai.  I walk into my home, and don't have to worry if I loaded the dishwasher correctly, or I do laundry and don't care if the towels went with the other clothes.  Not walking on eggshells is weird.  I don't know what to do with the peace and serenity now.  but I am on edge wondering when the next worls war wuill begin... . strange feeling or sensationi I can't put my head around

that must feel odd,  but refreshing,  no?  when you get your kid back,  even better.

I  stopped WoE  the months she detached. it  was stressful in a different way,  but I  felt what it must be like to get in the other side.  it will always be somewhat with our kids ,(a  little comment by her this morning reminded me of that),  but she is gone all day being a hermit,  or medicating our whatever.  nice to feel the freedom.

[1BrickShort]

I have trouble with NC. I admit it.

Unlike most who post here, the diagnosed person in my life, is completely obsessed with me... . because I am NOT falling all over this person, I am not 'theirs' and we have not officially been together for sometime. It's like this person is the character played by Kathy Bates in "Misery." I keep hoping I get out without having my ankles broken. If I was totally into this person, they wouldn't (and didn't) give me the time of day, but because I have detached from the 'love' relationship, holy he||, people.

Stalking. Vilification. Lots of 'usual' stuff, but also some weird crap not too many people mention (safe to say BPD isn't the only official diagnosis on this one!)

Ultimately, it's only NC for me. I continue to receive email/text messages/photos/paper mail. This person posts online where they know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will see it. My dBPD'r used to tag me in online forums so I would get 'notifications' in my box... . I've completely deleted all accounts where this person can access me. On some sites, where the dBPD'r was blocked, they would just log out and then look through my things, log back in and start following the same people I followed. Then they would comment on the people I followed would post so I would get to see what they had to say (usually a lot of woe and how much of a victim they were because of my actions.)

The other aspect of NC I have issues with is that if I go NC, this person feels rather free to do all the crappy things (trust me, this can go on for a very long time) but if I maintain contact (on a daily, but even low-level is ok) they don't lose their sh(|)t like they do otherwise.

So I realize that this last paragraph is my taking responsibility for this person, and I'm making an excuse, but man, it's rough.

I would agree, however, that by in large, my cutting back contact (this has been gradually reduced over time with some success) has resulted in a lot more peace.


I would be happy to have been NC for the last couple years, but, well... . maybe that starts today?

[Turkish]

I have trouble with NC. I admit it.

Unlike most who post here, the diagnosed person in my life, is completely obsessed with me... . because I am NOT falling all over this person, I am not 'theirs' and we have not officially been together for sometime. It's like this person is the character played by Kathy Bates in "Misery." I keep hoping I get out without having my ankles broken. If I was totally into this person, they wouldn't (and didn't) give me the time of day, but because I have detached from the 'love' relationship, holy he||, people

in the book she cut off his feet.

[1BrickShort]

I have trouble with NC. I admit it.

Unlike most who post here, the diagnosed person in my life, is completely obsessed with me... . because I am NOT falling all over this person, I am not 'theirs' and we have not officially been together for sometime. It's like this person is the character played by Kathy Bates in "Misery." I keep hoping I get out without having my ankles broken. If I was totally into this person, they wouldn't (and didn't) give me the time of day, but because I have detached from the 'love' relationship, holy he||, people

in the book she cut off his feet.

In that vein, I'm hopeful the pwBPD in my life hasn't read the book.

[maxen]

i'm NC for 14 weeks and i feel like dying.  :'(

[strikeforce]

I'm going on 6 weeks NC.

Haven't felt this good in a long time, my only concern is how will I react if she contacts me again.

I have a feeling she is gone for good this time though.

[Moonie75]

I'm going on 6 weeks NC.


I have a feeling she is gone for good this time though.

Don't we have that feeling every time? 

[sun seeker]

   Being split black was the best gift she ever gave me.! N/C is the best gift I gave myself. 100

[ogopogodude]

No contact is wonderful. It has saved my sanity.

Yes the price to pay is loneliness but this price tag is only for a short time until I re-establish friendships, make new friendships, etc, 

But the chaos is gone. Really (almost) gone.

[RecycledNoMore]

i'm NC for 14 weeks and i feel like dying.  :'(

It will get better Maxen, as long as your doing what you need to do for yourself... .

Im so sorry for you feeling this way, but it wont last forever... remember, detatching from a pwBPD is like going cold turkey off crack, dont be too hard on yourself... . (( maxen))

[State85]

Arn... . LOL

[maxen]

thank you recycled! 

It will get better Maxen, as long as your doing what you need to do for yourself... .

Im so sorry for you feeling this way, but it wont last forever... remember, detatching from a pwBPD is like going cold turkey off crack, dont be too hard on yourself... . (( maxen))

that actually helps!

[Starlight607]

I totally agree. NC has given me sanity, peace, finding myself again. I wake up every morning not wondering if my ex bf will be speaking to me, miserable, texting or emailing his many female "friends" or actually ok. Loving it despite the loneliness sometimes. I bought a dog! Lol!

[santa]

I totally agree. NC has given me sanity, peace, finding myself again. I wake up every morning not wondering if my ex bf will be speaking to me, miserable, texting or emailing his many female "friends" or actually ok. Loving it despite the loneliness sometimes. I bought a dog! Lol!

Just having the peace of mind that you know you aren't going to talk to that person today is a big relief.

It doesn't matter what you would have talked about or how you would have said it. Just a big weight lifted off my shoulders.

[Starlight607]

Santa, you are so right! I even was getting to the stage I dreaded hearing his text tone on my phone. I am painted so very black right now so that does not happen. It is liberating and as you say the weight lifted is brilliant.