Dont know what to do anymore

[Aburn4827]

  Well, its been about a month since my last post here.  Me and my wife have been going through a lot, seeing a marriage consoler.  She was just recently, officially, diagnosed with BPD.  She has made this "connection" with another man.  Now she is questioning her love for me.  A lot has been going on over the holidays.  It started out great.  It seemed like things were getting better between my wife and I.  Then on our date night, one little thing just blew everything up.  We had gone shopping for Christmas, then went to get something to eat, then went to see a movie.  When we went to the movies, it was packed.  There wasn't a single parking space.  She told me to just go to the back so she could smoke.  So I parked at the back.  Then she got all upset at me because I didn't offer to drop her off at the front.  She started going off, telling me to take her home, that she was done.  Finally things calmed down and we saw the movie.  About a week later, I found out that the guy she had been talking to, who she had said she ended things with, she was actually still talking to.  She changed his name in her phone to a girls name.  He had texted her, telling her he wanted to take her out to eat, that he "found the perfect place" for them.  Now, I know I was wrong as far as reading her messages.  But that still doesn't change the fact that she is talking to someone else.  I approach her about it, and she goes off.  That I am going through her phone, that I don't trust her, that its not like that.  I understand I was wrong.  But she takes no blame in what she is doing is wrong.  She says, she is just speaking her truth.  She loves me, but is not "in love with me" anymore.  Things settle down finally.  Later, about a week later, I approach her saying, I just want us both to be civil for our son's sake.  That we both need to do the next right thing.  All I ask of her is to be open to the possibility that we can get back what we once had.  That we can reconnect.  I know we might not, and right now it looks like we probably wont, but just to be open to us maybe getting it back.  Its like she has already made up her mind though.  She doesn't want to be with me anymore.  She loves me and cares about me, just not in that way.  But I don't understand, if she really feels this way, why does she stay?  I just don't understand.  We just keep fighting and fighting.  I don't trust her anymore.  I mean, I know I was wrong for reading her messages, but if she doesn't really think what she is doing is wrong, why would she try to hide it and change the name and everything?  It doesn't make sense to me.  I feel like right now, she is waiting till she gets her money from taxes, and she is going to leave.  And that just makes me feel like she is using me.  Also, a couple of weeks ago, I had mentioned, that while getting a box out of her car, her wallet fell over and a condom fell out.  That brought up all kinds of things.  She said its been in there forever, but I have no way of knowing that.  Ive lost my trust already.  Well just recently, I saw a receipt from the drug store, where she had bought the morning after pill.  Now, we have had no sex life in a couple of months.  So there is no reason for that.  She said it was just because she has been having extremely bad cramps and said it helped the pain.  Now my wife has had surgery a couple of years ago, and had part of her cervix removed.  And she does have really painful periods.  But I still don't know.  Just with everything else.  I mean, the condom, the "connection" with another guy, hiding it from me, no sex life with us, then the morning after pill?  Its just too much for me to overlook.  But yet for some reason, I don't want to give up hope that its not what I think it is.  If there is anything Im in denial about, its that I think.  I just don't want to believe it.  I don't want to give up on our marriage.  But I know this isn't healthy.  This relationship isn't right.  Im the only one fighting for it, and that hurts.  But part of me is wanting to believe, its just the BPD, and maybe we can work through it.  But I just don't know anymore.  My marriage consoler, my sponsor in Alanon (my wife is also a recovering alcoholic), and most of my friends who I have let in on what is going on, all tell me that Im doing the right thing by not giving up and fighting for our marriage.  But I feel like Im the only one fighting.  I have completely lost trust in her.  I do feel like she is probably cheating.  I don't know what else to do anymore... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Probably no one wants to tell you that your wife is cheating on you.

Ok. I have been in your position. Your wife is cheating on you. She is feeding you BS and gaslighting you. As a result, you are not trusting your instincts.

You are not wrong to read her messages. She may be BPD, but she knows right from wrong.

What does your marriage counselor say about the cheating? I am going to PM you a link.

[Aburn4827]

I haven't talked to my consoler yet about the morning after pill, or all of my suspicions yet.  I go and see her tomorrow, and I'll talk to her about it then.  I don't want to believe it.  So I end up trying to find every excuse and reason why it might not be true.  I end up trying to justify her words and prove them instead of her doing that herself.  She knows that's the one thing I cant put up with and cant handle.  Ironically, that was what our first ever real conversation was about back when we first met.  We worked together and she was dating a guy, who she said she wasn't feeling it for anymore.  But didn't want to hurt him and didn't know what to do, if she should leave him because she didn't want to end up doing anything stupid and cheat on him.  I told her it was better to be honest, cause in the end it work out for the better if you are just honest with him.  He would be less hurt by that than if he were to find out she cheated on him.  And I remember that being one of the things that really turned me on to her.  I saw how she really cared about someone and didn't want to hurt them, and wasn't selfish about the situation.  We didn't even start dating till maybe 2 months later after they broke up.  But looking back on it now, I just don't understand how she could be like that with someone she only dated for like 3 months, and then be the way she is with me now, after being together for almost 6 years and married for 2.  She always says she is afraid to hurt me.  But then she goes and does stuff that does hurt me.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  Thank you for the link by the way, I will look into that.

[WalrusGumboot]

But looking back on it now, I just don't understand how she could be like that with someone she only dated for like 3 months, and then be the way she is with me now, after being together for almost 6 years and married for 2.  She always says she is afraid to hurt me.  But then she goes and does stuff that does hurt me.  It just doesn't make sense to me. 

The difference is that she was only dating him, but is married to you. Either way, she fell out of love with him and was starting to stray, all the while stringing him along. She is doing the same to you. You really don't know if there was somebody else between him and you during that two months.

I think you are deeply in denial about what is obvious. Staying in denial will not save your marriage, but rather keep you confused and in pain.

[elemental]

Mike, I am sorry for what you are experiencing. Please hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

It has been one of the most painful and invalidating experiences of my life and it takes years to recover from. I have not, yet, because my guy has not completely sorted his situation and there are a lot of ambiguous and grey areas that play on my mind and emotions.

I have gone in the last month from a completely panic stricken state after ... probably what has been 5 years of this... to fair calm and withdrawing and detaching. I am tired just thinking about it.

Your expressions of confusion and disbelief... I lived on that for a year or so until I finally began to accept. Two years ago, it was irrefutable what had happened, even then I couldn't accept. Not accepting keeps you in a powerless state and too confused to do what you need to do to minimize damage to yourself and take care of yourself.

First, take care of you, because she won't, and no one else will.

[Aburn4827]

Thank you both for the advice.  I know I am in denial about a lot of things.  I just don't want to believe it I guess.  Cause I know if it is true, that's a boundary for me and I cant overcome that obstacle.  That's not something we could work through, or that I would want to work through.  And then add in all the other things like, my family, her family, our son (who is not biologically mine, but I have been his father for the last 5 years) and I don't want to loose him as well.  And that has really been a stressful situation for me, our son.  What will happen with him.  I have no rights to him.  Im afraid she will use me to be her default baby sitter.  And I will have to watch him whenever she feels like it or she will keep him from me.  We have had this conversation, and she says she would never do that.  But I have seen her do it with her own mother.  Maybe not forever, but as long as she wants till I give in to her control of the situation.  And I don't want to put our son through that either.  Plus right now, with her job situation, he would have to live with me or her mom's.  She cant leave him alone, somebody has to watch him for her while she works.  I haven't been able to get a lot of advice from a lot of people.  We have mostly the same friends.  And even with everything that has been going on, I still want to protect her and not shine a bad light on her.  I have been able to get a lot out here thankfully through some kind of anonymity.

[waverider]

Whether she is cheating or not, surprisingly is not the biggest issue. The core issue is that she is creating an environment in which you have lost trust and are living in constant suspicion. This is not healthy for you regardless of the facts.

Chasing the truth never works, as the only truth is that you will never know the truth

This environment is swamping you and preventing you from getting yourself back in order. The RS is trapping you in limbo.

You actually may need a physical separation to give you the space to get yourself centered again.

Your wife is living in a fantasy world, where she can safely play with your emotions and validate her own desirability. She may need a demonstration of the reality of the consequences of where this is heading.

I think you may have to step away to you have any chance to save this. Staying where you are will only destroy your confidence more, and build up resentment. This will ultimately reduce your appeal to your wife.

[Aburn4827]

I don't understand why she just doesn't leave then.  I cant leave, it is my place we are living at.  I don't want to just kick her out, but I feel like that is what it is coming to.  I've asked her, if she doesn't want to be here, then why doesn't she leave.  She tells me she has no place to go.  Which I know is not true.  She has places she can go.  It maybe just temporary places till she can find her own place.  Or maybe she just doesn't want to go there, like her mom's place, cause her and her mom have a very volatile relationship as well.  But she wont leave.  She has talked about leaving before, then will come around and say "she has had a change of heart."  I don't want to force her out on her own.  But I feel like that is what it may come to.

[waverider]

I don't understand why she just doesn't leave then.  I cant leave, it is my place we are living at.  I don't want to just kick her out, but I feel like that is what it is coming to.  I've asked her, if she doesn't want to be here, then why doesn't she leave.  She tells me she has no place to go.  Which I know is not true.  She has places she can go.  It maybe just temporary places till she can find her own place.  Or maybe she just doesn't want to go there, like her mom's place, cause her and her mom have a very volatile relationship as well.  But she wont leave.  She has talked about leaving before, then will come around and say "she has had a change of heart."  I don't want to force her out on her own.  But I feel like that is what it may come to.

Because it is a fantasy world she is living in, which is why you may have to force a dose of reality or you will be stuck in this endless yes/no/yes/no/maybe/yes/no drama.