A setback from dating

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I haven't posted on here very frequently in the past couple of weeks (I made a resolution to myself for the new year that I would think about this whole situation with my uBPDexgf as little as possible and try to work on making my life better). I have to say, it was working. I am 5 months NC and the year started out great for me. Unfortunately, I started to have setbacks this past week. One of the reasons things have been going better for me is that I have met a few lovely ladies that I wanted the opportunity to get to know. I've been on about 3-4 dates the past couple of weeks and, although they've gone well, I can't stop comparing the way I felt with my ex to the way I feel with these new women. I am chasing a high that I cannot duplicate and I fear I've been damaged forever. Maybe I just don't really like these women, maybe I'm still not ready - I don't know.   I feel terrible though. I knew I needed to post here. Coincidentally, today, something else happened that really hit me in the gut. I was searching for a phone number in my text history for someone named "Chris," so when I typed that into my phone I noticed a text from my ex, last year before we recycled for the 3rd time in May, in which she wished me a Merry "Chris"tmas to me and my family. Seeing the text made me remember vividly how I felt last year during my Christmas dinner with my family and I received that text from her. I remember how giddy I felt. I remember thinking to myself that I knew she loved me and I knew she cared about me and that's why she was contacting me during the holidays when we were "off." I was so happy (it's amazing how some people can make you feel). 5 months later we were together again. Reunited the way I thought we would eventually be and this time she told me everything I wanted to hear - she loved me, I was the one who got away, she was so happy that I wasn't in a serious relationship because she couldn't bear losing me, she wanted to marry me, she wanted a life with me forever. Then I thought about Christmas this year, and how I hadn't gotten a text from her, nothing. I haven't heard from her in over 5 months which matches the longest time we haven't spoken to each other in the past three years. Although I told her never to contact me again and that having her in my life was slowly killing me, she's taking the NC thing to heart. Maybe I've been painted black. I have to accept that I may never speak to this person again for the rest of my life. I know it's the best thing for me, but the truth is, I have so much I want to say to her. I want her to understand that it would never work between us and that I am not bitter because it didn't work, I am bitter because the way she went about the whole relationship. I want to tell her things didn't have to be this way, but I can't and I know that. I realize though that I may never get that opportunity and when I told her to go away forever, I meant it and she understood that I meant it and it really hurts. I am a memory, and probably not a good one. I wish it wasn't this way and that feeling of regret is what stops me from moving on.   

[DownandOut]

Hi all,

I haven't posted on here very frequently in the past couple of weeks (I made a resolution to myself for the new year that I would think about this whole situation with my uBPDexgf as little as possible and try to work on making my life better). I have to say, it was working. I am 5 months NC and the year started out great for me. Unfortunately, I started to have setbacks this past week. One of the reasons things have been going better for me is that I have met a few lovely ladies that I wanted the opportunity to get to know. I've been on about 3-4 dates the past couple of weeks and, although they've gone well, I can't stop comparing the way I felt with my ex to the way I feel with these new women. I am chasing a high that I cannot duplicate and I fear I've been damaged forever. Maybe I just don't really like these women, maybe I'm still not ready - I don't know.   I feel terrible though. I knew I needed to post here. Coincidentally, today, something else happened that really hit me in the gut. I was searching for a phone number in my text history for someone named "Chris," so when I typed that into my phone I noticed a text from my ex, last year before we recycled for the 3rd time in May, in which she wished me a Merry "Chris"tmas to me and my family. Seeing the text made me remember vividly how I felt last year during my Christmas dinner with my family and I received that text from her. I remember how giddy I felt. I remember thinking to myself that I knew she loved me and I knew she cared about me and that's why she was contacting me during the holidays when we were "off." I was so happy (it's amazing how some people can make you feel). 5 months later we were together again. Reunited the way I thought we would eventually be and this time she told me everything I wanted to hear - she loved me, I was the one who got away, she was so happy that I wasn't in a serious relationship because she couldn't bear losing me, she wanted to marry me, she wanted a life with me forever. Then I thought about Christmas this year, and how I hadn't gotten a text from her, nothing. I haven't heard from her in over 5 months which matches the longest time we haven't spoken to each other in the past three years. Although I told her never to contact me again and that having her in my life was slowly killing me, she's taking the NC thing to heart. Maybe I've been painted black. I have to accept that I may never speak to this person again for the rest of my life. I know it's the best thing for me, but the truth is, I have so much I want to say to her. I want her to understand that it would never work between us and that I am not bitter because it didn't work, I am bitter because the way she went about the whole relationship. I want to tell her things didn't have to be this way, but I can't and I know that. I realize though that I may never get that opportunity and when I told her to go away forever, I meant it and she understood that I meant it and it really hurts. I am a memory, and probably not a good one. I wish it wasn't this way and that feeling of regret is what stops me from moving on.   

[Ironmanrises]

You didn't receive closure from her. Although going NC is better for us, it isn't closure. And it is distasteful to have to do that to someone that spoke and meant so much to you for a long period of time. That is what hurts. And that is understandable. Hang in there Down. 

[DownandOut]

You didn't receive closure from her. Although going NC is better for us, it isn't closure. And it is distasteful to have to do that to someone that spoke and meant so much to you for a long period of time. That is what hurts. And that is understandable. Hang in there Down. 

That's the thing, I wish I was dealing with an adult that I could have had an adult conversation with. It is extremely distasteful to simply forget someone exists and never speak to them again for what seems to be no reason. Of course, I could sit here and list the terrible things that were said and done to me, and that should be reason enough to erase someone from my memory - but it's not. I acted rashly and I feel regret from that. I simply cut her off because she brought me to my boiling point. She did nothing to show me that she wanted to save the relationship at all. I did all the talking. She sat in silence. Now, the silence is even more deafening. I'm out with women and I think about her. Not because I want to be with her, but because I want to feel the way I did when I was with her. I'm jaded. My life is not the same since she came into it. Is it a bad idea to call and say these things I've wanted to say? I will NOT recycle. I just feel like I want to express how I feel.

[Turkish]

You didn't receive closure from her. Although going NC is better for us, it isn't closure. And it is distasteful to have to do that to someone that spoke and meant so much to you for a long period of time. That is what hurts. And that is understandable. Hang in there Down. 

That's the thing, I wish I was dealing with an adult that I could have had an adult conversation with. It is extremely distasteful to simply forget someone exists and never speak to them again for what seems to be no reason. Of course, I could sit here and list the terrible things that were said and done to me, and that should be reason enough to erase someone from my memory - but it's not. I acted rashly and I feel regret from that. I simply cut her off because she brought me to my boiling point. She did nothing to show me that she wanted to save the relationship at all. I did all the talking. She sat in silence. Now, the silence is even more deafening. I'm out with women and I think about her. Not because I want to be with her, but because I want to feel the way I did when I was with her.

The good way or the bad way? The first didn't come without the second.

[Ironmanrises]

You didn't receive closure from her. Although going NC is better for us, it isn't closure. And it is distasteful to have to do that to someone that spoke and meant so much to you for a long period of time. That is what hurts. And that is understandable. Hang in there Down. 

That's the thing, I wish I was dealing with an adult that I could have had an adult conversation with. It is extremely distasteful to simply forget someone exists and never speak to them again for what seems to be no reason. Of course, I could sit here and list the terrible things that were said and done to me, and that should be reason enough to erase someone from my memory - but it's not. I acted rashly and I feel regret from that. I simply cut her off because she brought me to my boiling point. She did nothing to show me that she wanted to save the relationship at all. I did all the talking. She sat in silence. Now, the silence is even more deafening. I'm out with women and I think about her. Not because I want to be with her, but because I want to feel the way I did when I was with her. I'm jaded. My life is not the same since she came into it. Is it a bad idea to call and say these things I've wanted to say? I will NOT recycle. I just feel like I want to express how I feel.

I totally feel you friend. It isn't a bad idea to do that if the person you were dealing with wasn't disordered. That is the inherent problem. And in the very process of even trying to do that, places you in the precarious position of being recycled, even though you wish not to be. Even if you were to express to her how you feel, which is completely understandable, will she interpret what you are saying in the way it is supposed to be? The scary answer is no if she still views you as "bad" and yes/no if she views you as "good" because that will transform into a recycle attempt.

[allweareisallweare]

NC is hard IMF. It's self-imposed exile, but how, in my case, can I possibly contact a person who debased trust, loyalty, friendship? IMF says that NC isn't closure. There are many things which occur in this realm of NC - like sometimes I think: "what the hell, break it," although I haven't. I struggle most with the no-closure part. No contact = no closure, I imposed it and vowed not to speak to the person and that's been that, although that entailed a big guessing game... . WHY would she have done this, what prompted her to basically cheat etc. As you say, DaO, you have so much you want to say to her. I do too in my case, but I simply can't, I can't break NC - even if that means not speaking to the person for the rest of my days. My punishment for NC is that I don't get closure BUT as some have hinted to, breaking NC often means no closure anyway - the BPDs are too sick to provide it, too wrapped up in denial etc. I wish I could, but I won't allow myself, I know she's suffering, I know that me not getting in touch is a sign to her and she needs to know that I don't want to have anything to do with her on any level.

It's hard moving on. I know we'd rather not be in this situation, how many times we convince ourselves 'we're better off' we know we loved our exes at some stage, so it's very hard.

I don't know about the 'thinking about her' thing when out on other dates. I think that's something which is occurring to you for some reason or other. Don't worry about it, I say. It's a confusing time enough, but don't wonder as to why you're thinking about her during dates.

Hang in, we've got each other.

[DownandOut]

Turkish and Ironman,

I understand what you're saying Turkish and, the truth is, finding someone that will make me feel the same way or even just love me the way I believe I should be loved, is something I will have to do on my own. It may take months or it may take years, or never at all, but it's something that is completely in my control.

Writing this, and your guys' responses, I've realized that my real problem lies in the fact I've come to the realization that I truly may never speak to this person again in my life. I know there's a lot of talk about recycling and pwBPD coming back years later in some cases, and that very well may be the case, but I've resigned myself to the fact that its probably unlikely for me. When I wrote my long letter to her explaining why I was leaving I thought I said it all, and it was airtight as far as it being final. Since that day, I've learned so much more about myself, about the illness and about her and how she goes about life. I am out of the FOG and was able to see things for what the really are. Unfortunately, this has raised so much more that I want to say. It may mean nothing to her when I say it and I've thought about just explaining that a response isn't even necessary there's just so many things I want to get off my chest. I'll admit to her that I need to say these things, for the reasons I mentioned above, in order to move on fully. I think that's the truth. I will run it by my therapist and see what she says.

I want to note again that I will NOT, under any circumstances, recycle. I just need to get these things off my chest.

[State85]

I completely understand how you feel. I don't want to be the one to break NC. And at this point she has stopped contacting me. Which makes my head spin because in the past she never stopped doing that.

I guess a text or something from her would make me think I'm still on her mind. But then again, that text would probably be a "bashing" text like the others.

So, its best being NC on both sides at this point.

[Conundrum]

IMHO, a plethora of women with BPD (not all) don't respond well to emo'ish emotions or lectures from their partners. Some will even respect you less for it. Anything that triggers their shame is going to be twisted back onto you. Short and to the point is usually best with them. Writing I miss fu@king you (if it's true), is usually more effective than a long-winded diatribe about why the relationship cratered. You sort of have to relate to them on their level and throw in some substantive nuggets every now-and-then. Just saying... . don't know about breaking no contact--that always stirs the pot.  

[shellsh0cked]

I think it's a point you just have to get to where you don't give a sh!t anymore.  I know I went out with some girls WAAAAY to early when I quit seeing M.  I like you realize that she was slowly killing me... . or was going to actually do me in the old fashioned way... . Because of this I once had this horrible nightmare of waking up in the bed with her... . And I was like WOW!  NO!  How can this be?  I woke up in a sweat.  Couldn't go back to sleep for hours because it scared me so bad.  Someone that has that kind of effect on me?  I don't think I should EVER... . and I mean EVER see her again.  She is poison to me.  The reality of me never seeing her again was tough... . because I care so much for her.  But it is one-sided.  They don't possess the ability to really love like that.  They are emotionally crippled.  

Let's say you walked into a barn and got bit by a venemous snake okay?  And you almost died... . Your leg swelled up and you almost had it amputated as a result.  But you survived it... . however the doc says another bite would most certainly kill you.  Are you going back in that barn?  HELL NO... . hope that analogy helps a fuzz.  

[sun seeker]

 Yea man ive done this recently. 

What I gather from my experience is.

  What the BPDers have to offer is not real (facade) , in the sense  they know how to make something seem so perfect (which it isn't) they known how to take info you give them and act on it. ( expert manipulators)  Especially if you have had a childhood that was lacking something. Who doesnt! (I did). My first few dates seemed "normal with my xBPDgf" after the third date i was hooked. And we where off and runing. She had me.

   If you crave affection they give it up in loads. Who doesnt like great sex (they mirror porn stars) i felt like i was in a porno everyday with my xBPDgf. They hang on your every word like you are the most interesting man ever. Mine didnt leave myside ever. I went from being lonely to having a bestfriend. She bought me cloths, truck radio etc.   I had to tell her to stop buying me stuff. (She got affended) . They also mirror you. Whi would fall for someone who SEEMS to be just like you.  Simply the have lethal game bro.

  How can any "normal" women you date compare. Just a few examples.  Once enough time passes dates Will get normal again. You have more healing  to do thats obvious. Cause when your over an ex they dont enter your mind on a date.

[Ironmanrises]

IMHO, a plethora of women with BPD (not all) don't respond well to emo'ish emotions or lectures from their partners. Some will even respect you less for it. Anything that triggers their shame is going to be twisted back onto you. Short and to the point is usually best with them. Writing I miss fu@king you (if it's true), is usually more effective than a long-winded diatribe about why the relationship cratered. You sort of have to relate to them on their level and throw in some substantive nuggets every now-and-then. Just saying... . don't know about breaking contact--that always stirs the pot.  

You are correct. I experienced the same with mine. She never "understood" me if I babbled away long winded and would tell me "speak english Ironmanfalls, I don't get you." Right. If I cut out most of the words and reduced to it to a straight arrow, her response "Now you are speaking in a language I understand."

[shellsh0cked]

  If you crave affection they give it up in loads. Who doesnt like great sex (they mirror porn stars) i felt like i was in a porno everyday with my xBPDgf. They hang on your every word like you are the most interesting man ever. Mine didnt leave myside ever. I went from being lonely to having a bestfriend. She bought me cloths, truck radio etc.   I had to tell her to stop buying me stuff. (She got affended) . They also mirror you. Whi would fall for someone who SEEMS to be just like you.  Simply the have lethal game bro.

 How can any "normal" women you date compare. Just a few examples.  Once enough time passes dates Will get normal again. You have more healing  to do thats obvious. Cause when your over an ex they dont enter your mind on a date.

One of my other friends was in a relationship with a BPD too... . We talked at length about it... . About the sex for one... . and how they snare you with it.  If everything in my relationship with M was as good as the sex, I wouldn't be here.  She took good care of me too if I was sick and made me feel like king of the world... . He said he wondered after he left this relationship, "will I ever have sex like this again?"  You get hooked in a heartbeat... . because they make you feel like a freaking pornstar in the bedroom for sure.

And I figured this much out... . These "intense" type relationships?  They fail miserably in time.  Then you start seeing that nasty, cold-hearted, insecure, cruel and despicable person come out.   We either move on, or let it escalate.  I chose to let it escalate and it almost got me killed.  

[Waifed]

Turkish and Ironman,

I understand what you're saying Turkish and, the truth is, finding someone that will make me feel the same way or even just love me the way I believe I should be loved, is something I will have to do on my own. It may take months or it may take years, or never at all, but it's something that is completely in my control.

Writing this, and your guys' responses, I've realized that my real problem lies in the fact I've come to the realization that I truly may never speak to this person again in my life. I know there's a lot of talk about recycling and pwBPD coming back years later in some cases, and that very well may be the case, but I've resigned myself to the fact that its probably unlikely for me. When I wrote my long letter to her explaining why I was leaving I thought I said it all, and it was airtight as far as it being final. Since that day, I've learned so much more about myself, about the illness and about her and how she goes about life. I am out of the FOG and was able to see things for what the really are. Unfortunately, this has raised so much more that I want to say. It may mean nothing to her when I say it and I've thought about just explaining that a response isn't even necessary there's just so many things I want to get off my chest. I'll admit to her that I need to say these things, for the reasons I mentioned above, in order to move on fully. I think that's the truth. I will run it by my therapist and see what she says.

I want to note again that I will NOT, under any circumstances, recycle. I just need to get these things off my chest.

I wrote an email about a month or two after starting NC. I got some things off my chest, apologized for the awful email I sent to the guy she shagged, etc. I told her I would help her if she ever needed anything but I also told her that we weren't good for one another. I told her I didn't expect a response but needed to send the letter. A couple of months later and I am not sure if I really would help her with anything and I am a less regretful that I sent the email to the guy she had sexcapades with. I worded the email I sent her in a way that I did not give up control that I need for my own ego. If I had it all to do over I probably wouldn't have sent it. I realize that some day she will mean nothing to me.  I also realize now that I don't owe her anything. BPD or not the things she did are unacceptable and I should have enough self respect for myself to maybe forgive but never forget what she has done. I am above her and she absolutely knows it.

[Turkish]

Turkish and Ironman,

I understand what you're saying Turkish and, the truth is, finding someone that will make me feel the same way or even just love me the way I believe I should be loved, is something I will have to do on my own. It may take months or it may take years, or never at all, but it's something that is completely in my control.

Writing this, and your guys' responses, I've realized that my real problem lies in the fact I've come to the realization that I truly may never speak to this person again in my life. I know there's a lot of talk about recycling and pwBPD coming back years later in some cases, and that very well may be the case, but I've resigned myself to the fact that its probably unlikely for me. When I wrote my long letter to her explaining why I was leaving I thought I said it all, and it was airtight as far as it being final. Since that day, I've learned so much more about myself, about the illness and about her and how she goes about life. I am out of the FOG and was able to see things for what the really are. Unfortunately, this has raised so much more that I want to say. It may mean nothing to her when I say it and I've thought about just explaining that a response isn't even necessary there's just so many things I want to get off my chest. I'll admit to her that I need to say these things, for the reasons I mentioned above, in order to move on fully. I think that's the truth. I will run it by my therapist and see what she says.

I want to note again that I will NOT, under any circumstances, recycle. I just need to get these things off my chest.

I wrote an email about a month or two after starting NC. I got some things off my chest, apologized for the awful email I sent to the guy she shagged, etc. I told her I would help her if she ever needed anything but I also told her that we weren't good for one another. I told her I didn't expect a response but needed to send the letter. A couple of months later and I am not sure if I really would help her with anything and I am a less regretful that I sent the email to the guy she had sexcapades with. I worded the email I sent her in a way that I did not give up control that I need for my own ego. If I had it all to do over I probably wouldn't have sent it. I realize that some day she will mean nothing to me.  I also realize now that I don't owe her anything. BPD or not the things she did are unacceptable and I should have enough self respect for myself to maybe forgive but never forget what she has done. I am above her and she absolutely knows it.

Thanks, Waifed. Me, too. And your comment about the email encourage me to not send him a short message through his FB, telling him what an evil person he was for hurting our children from afar... . and thanking him for rescuing me from her. NC for that fool, too. I flat out told her the other night that nothing would change for her in regard to relationships. She replied with a smirk, "We'll see!" Childish of both of us, I realized. One of us is capable of being the adult, and he needs to be that.

[Learning_curve74]

I have to accept that I may never speak to this person again for the rest of my life. I know it's the best thing for me, but the truth is, I have so much I want to say to her. I want her to understand that it would never work between us and that I am not bitter because it didn't work, I am bitter because the way she went about the whole relationship. I want to tell her things didn't have to be this way, but I can't and I know that. I realize though that I may never get that opportunity and when I told her to go away forever, I meant it and she understood that I meant it and it really hurts. I am a memory, and probably not a good one. I wish it wasn't this way and that feeling of regret is what stops me from moving on.   

Hey DownandOut, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person. Of course all these feelings you are experiencing are natural especially if your BPD relationship had an "ambiguous" ending without the typical "closure" where both parties agree and understand that things just weren't going to work out. We all want to feel understood, and some of us find it very hard when we feel like we are not being heard. This feeling can last long after the relationship has ended.

In the article Surviving a break up with somebody suffering BPD one of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck is "Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard". Another belief is "Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel". When you combine these two, maybe you can see intellectually why it might be futile to try and explain things to her.

If you've met some women that you'd like to get to know better, what is the problem with taking your time to get to know them? Many people love instant gratification but then don't we also take those things we easily get for granted and treasure most the things we worked hardest for?

[sun seeker]

 I too felt a strong urge to send my replacement A message on fb.  But f**k that he was in rehab with her he was on her fb he knew we where in a r/s. And it didnt stop either of them. The hell he's about to endure is making me smile at the moment.  She made new friends in rehab and we all know those friendships wont last. They will get painted black as everyone does.

Yea I hurt , im sad, I feel like a fool. But this wont last. And I will be happy again. She wont be happy she will always be a sick little girl stuck in a world of self torture.  And yes my friends this make me smile as well. (guess i havnt reached forgiveness yet)

Im just glad to have you guys & gals to talk to. Thanks for the support and a kind ear my friends. We will get through this together and come out on top. Something they will never truly feel... .

[DownandOut]

I have to accept that I may never speak to this person again for the rest of my life. I know it's the best thing for me, but the truth is, I have so much I want to say to her. I want her to understand that it would never work between us and that I am not bitter because it didn't work, I am bitter because the way she went about the whole relationship. I want to tell her things didn't have to be this way, but I can't and I know that. I realize though that I may never get that opportunity and when I told her to go away forever, I meant it and she understood that I meant it and it really hurts. I am a memory, and probably not a good one. I wish it wasn't this way and that feeling of regret is what stops me from moving on.   

Hey DownandOut, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person. Of course all these feelings you are experiencing are natural especially if your BPD relationship had an "ambiguous" ending without the typical "closure" where both parties agree and understand that things just weren't going to work out. We all want to feel understood, and some of us find it very hard when we feel like we are not being heard. This feeling can last long after the relationship has ended.

In the article Surviving a break up with somebody suffering BPD one of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck is "Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard". Another belief is "Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel". When you combine these two, maybe you can see intellectually why it might be futile to try and explain things to her.

If you've met some women that you'd like to get to know better, what is the problem with taking your time to get to know them? Many people love instant gratification but then don't we also take those things we easily get for granted and treasure most the things we worked hardest for?

Well, I truly believe that she does hear it. She does understand what I'm saying. Her problem, though, lies in the fact that she is so afraid to actually feel it. She's afraid to feel the emotions of possibly feeling true love for me (not so sure if it was love, but whatever it is she felt it for me). She's afraid of feeling the pain of losing me (so she gets a replacement towards the end of our relationship to cushion the blow). She's afraid of feeling the pain of the hurt she's caused me - she admitted as much, when we recycled this last time she told me that she knows she hurt me in the past and that she wanted to make it up to me. However, when the honeymoon phase was over, and it came time to pay the piper (actually work on the relationship so that we could get to the next level) she turned into the monster. She's intelligent, she knows what's going on. She may use her well-developed defense mechanisms to turn the tables on me, but the bottom line is I know she'll hear it and I know it'll stick in her mind. What she does with the information is out of my hands, but I know it will register, even if it's only for a couple minutes until the defense mechanisms warp it.

[Turkish]

I have to accept that I may never speak to this person again for the rest of my life. I know it's the best thing for me, but the truth is, I have so much I want to say to her. I want her to understand that it would never work between us and that I am not bitter because it didn't work, I am bitter because the way she went about the whole relationship. I want to tell her things didn't have to be this way, but I can't and I know that. I realize though that I may never get that opportunity and when I told her to go away forever, I meant it and she understood that I meant it and it really hurts. I am a memory, and probably not a good one. I wish it wasn't this way and that feeling of regret is what stops me from moving on.   

Hey DownandOut, you sound like a caring and thoughtful person. Of course all these feelings you are experiencing are natural especially if your BPD relationship had an "ambiguous" ending without the typical "closure" where both parties agree and understand that things just weren't going to work out. We all want to feel understood, and some of us find it very hard when we feel like we are not being heard. This feeling can last long after the relationship has ended.

In the article Surviving a break up with somebody suffering BPD one of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck is "Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard". Another belief is "Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel". When you combine these two, maybe you can see intellectually why it might be futile to try and explain things to her.

If you've met some women that you'd like to get to know better, what is the problem with taking your time to get to know them? Many people love instant gratification but then don't we also take those things we easily get for granted and treasure most the things we worked hardest for?

Well, I truly believe that she does hear it. She does understand what I'm saying. Her problem, though, lies in the fact that she is so afraid to actually feel it. She's afraid to feel the emotions of possibly feeling true love for me (not so sure if it was love, but whatever it is she felt it for me). She's afraid of feeling the pain of losing me (so she gets a replacement towards the end of our relationship to cushion the blow). She's afraid of feeling the pain of the hurt she's caused me - she admitted as much, when we recycled this last time she told me that she knows she hurt me in the past and that she wanted to make it up to me. However, when the honeymoon phase was over, and it came time to pay the piper (actually work on the relationship so that we could get to the next level) she turned into the monster. She's intelligent, she knows what's going on. She may use her well-developed defense mechanisms to turn the tables on me, but the bottom line is I know she'll hear it and I know it'll stick in her mind. What she does with the information is out of my hands, but I know it will register, even if it's only for a couple minutes until the defense mechanisms warp it.

she's sounds similar to mine.  when we would argue,  which was actually rare,  if say something.  certain things I'd say later indicated to me that she processed some of it.  Emotionally,  especially when triggered,  they are children.  for instance,  we triggered each other free other night. I  admitted to being codependent,  and she said, " yah you are,  with the smoking!"  this is despite the fact that we kind off discussed codependency in the past,  she to get family obligations.  so no,  she really refuses to process that and future discussions are worthless.  that's why I  try to not engage even when she wants to hash things out.  she doesn't want to anyway,  she wants to blame.