Why do they recycle the recycled?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Question

If the attatchment - disordered person (the BPD) doesn't recognize what a secure attatchment is, and therefore wants to run or recycle... . why do they more often than not go back to those they recycled.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY why do those that loved them but were dumped return even after many months of separation and also knowing what was done to them ... . was difficult for them to understand...

... . is it that we are co-dependent and therefore unable to resist?

Can someone help me with this?

[Cimbaruns]

Question

If the attatchment - disordered person (the BPD) doesn't recognize what a secure attatchment is, and therefore wants to run or recycle... . why do they more often than not go back to those they recycled.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY why do those that loved them but were dumped return even after many months of separation and also knowing what was done to them ... . was difficult for them to understand...

... . is it that we are co-dependent and therefore unable to resist?

Can someone help me with this?

[Learning_curve74]

A pwBPD has high validation needs and is very sensitive to rejection. If somebody was already in a relationship with them before, it is natural to think that they would be able to have another chance with them, after all, they are familiar with each other and the pwBPD knows that they were able to engage them in the past. The non-BPD partner isn't the only person who also remembers the good times and good feelings.

I'm in the middle of a recycle right now, and of course part of it is the familiarity I have with my pwBPD. I do love her and care about her deeply, and I feel that she does love me, though not the same way I love her but in her own "immature" way. Some people have a lot of hope that their pwBPD will change, and so it's easy to want to try again. I think my pwBPD can change, but it won't happen unless she tries and neither her nor I know whether she'll be able to change enough for us to have a stable relationship. I also recognize that I had to change as well, and one of the biggest changes was that I had to understand that I can risk letting her go if it comes to that. In my opinion there's no sense in just trying again without anything being different. That doesn't mean it's going to work long-term, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Please understand these are only my own opinions and reasons, other people may recycle for other reasons.

[Ironmanrises]

It takes a lot of work for the pwBPD to find new narcissistic supply. So why not return to a person who has given in to them before(us) and know that they will get that supply easily then having to work for a new source of it. Sounds heinous, I know. Probably explains why mine returned to me for round 2. She knew she could get back in. And she did.

[Lol4fun]

Funny mine found a new narrsasitic supply very quickly as in one week after breaking up with me. However, 2 weeks later after ignoring me randomly emails me to ask me how I am doing. When asked why he emailed his response I just felt the urge to... Along with I don't know really maybe I felt/sensed you were hurting or in need. Umm yeah right it's more than likely new supply isn't giving him exactly what he needs... . Also he is used to me continuing to email him etc. when I stopped his validation is gone. I won't be recycling with him ever and that is bc I have surrounded myself with people who I have shared the entire truth with & they love me & want

[Moonie75]

We're a comfortable pair of old slippers!




Not as good as brand new slippers, because we've been WORN OUT! But there's something about slipping a pair of familiar old slippers on that soothes us.

PwBPD get soothed by old slippers too. But only temporarily!

It's as simple as that & deep, scientific, profound psychological analysis of people going back will bring you to the same conclusion... . Comfy Old Slippers!



Here endeth the lesson from Moon The Loon!  

[santa]

I must have the only ex in the world who doesn't recycle. She never got back with any of her exes and never spoke of them really the entire time I was with her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They must have all ran for the hills. One time during one of her rages she said that her last ex met an unfortunate end, which seemed believable to me at the time and scared the hell out of me, but she was probably lying just to freak me out. Who knows if that person even existed? She denied saying it later, so it was probably just delusional ranting.

[Moonie75]

I must have the only ex in the world who doesn't recycle. She never got back with any of her exes and never spoke of them really the entire time I was with her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They must have all ran for the hills. One time during one of her rages she said that her last ex met an unfortunate end, which seemed believable to me at the time and scared the hell out of me, but she was probably lying just to freak me out. Who knows if that person even existed? She denied saying it later, so it was probably just delusional ranting.

Guess he took the proof she was lying to the shallow grave she left him in!   

[seeking balance]

Question

If the attatchment - disordered person (the BPD) doesn't recognize what a secure attatchment is, and therefore wants to run or recycle... . why do they more often than not go back to those they recycled.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY why do those that loved them but were dumped return even after many months of separation and also knowing what was done to them ... . was difficult for them to understand...

... . is it that we are co-dependent and therefore unable to resist?

Can someone help me with this?

There is no middle ground with BPD - only extremes - the pendulum continues to swing from one side to the other. 

You (or anyone intimate) was a major band-aid at one point, and their brain remembers that - it is soothing.

So, a new trigger hits (you are not it) - the old self soothing (past relationship) memory is better than the new trigger... . thus, contacting to self soothe.

The brain is in reactionary/survival mode most of the time.  CT scans show pwBPD have much more brain activity in areas where emotions are processed when stressed than nons.  This is why DBT is such an effective treatment - it teaches the brain to slow down, watch the thoughts, not react and be mindful.

Extremes - good or bad - rarely time in the middle.

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks everyone

I guess familiarity is the key here... .

I remember my wife telling me a while back that the woman I replaced said she'd wait for her forever... . I was surprised but we were in a good place ( or so it seemed) at the moment

I guess we do remember the good times and hold the outside hope that they've changed... . when in fact that probably isn't really likely

It's hard for me to believe that someone whose a pathological liar can EVER change!

And to me the lying is hard to accept and overcome

[santa]

I must have the only ex in the world who doesn't recycle. She never got back with any of her exes and never spoke of them really the entire time I was with her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They must have all ran for the hills. One time during one of her rages she said that her last ex met an unfortunate end, which seemed believable to me at the time and scared the hell out of me, but she was probably lying just to freak me out. Who knows if that person even existed? She denied saying it later, so it was probably just delusional ranting.

Guess he took the proof she was lying to the shallow grave she left him in!   

Poor ass 

[Cimbaruns]

How true

There IS no middle ground here... . that's why nons have trouble comprehending

[Iwalk-Heruns]

It takes a lot of work for the pwBPD to find new narcissistic supply. So why not return to a person who has given in to them before(us) and know that they will get that supply easily then having to work for a new source of it. Sounds heinous, I know. Probably explains why mine returned to me for round 2. She knew she could get back in. And she did.

Bingo! I believe this is the absolute exact and only reason! We are the low hanging fruit. Period! Once they do secure new supply they are gone again. They CANNOT under any circumstance be alone. It is like death.

[State85]

It takes a lot of work for the pwBPD to find new narcissistic supply. So why not return to a person who has given in to them before(us) and know that they will get that supply easily then having to work for a new source of it. Sounds heinous, I know. Probably explains why mine returned to me for round 2. She knew she could get back in. And she did.

Bingo! I believe this is the absolute exact and only reason! We are the low hanging fruit. Period! Once they do secure new supply they are gone again. They CANNOT under any circumstance be alone. It is like death.

So true. Mine had my replacement each time we broke up in less than 48 hrs. I believe she already had him/them lined up way before the r/s ended.

[sun seeker]

  I recycled because I thought , It would be different this time. I walk away once because she raged at me a few times and she wont dare do this to me again. (Boy was I ignorant) we hooked back up after a couple years of n/c.  she did it to me again and even worse 1000 fold. She added  physical abuse, multiple infidelity , manipulation etc etc. And then I learned what BPD is and im done. I was still painted black even through years of N/C.

I wouldnt trade minds with a BPDer for all the money in the world.


During that 3 year break I was with another women  engaged to be married and it fell apart. I was very vulnerable to her BPD ways. I didnt give myself enough time to heal. Live and learn.

[sun seeker]

 To answer your ?

Because we let them recycle us!

[santa]

 I recycled because I thought , It would be different this time. I walk away once because she raged at me a few times and she wont dare do this to me again. (Boy was I ignorant) we hooked back up after a couple years of n/c.  she did it to me again and even worse 1000 fold. She added  physical abuse, multiple infidelity , manipulation etc etc. And then I learned what BPD is and im done. I was still painted black even through years of N/C.

I wouldnt trade minds with a BPDer for all the money in the world.


During that 3 year break I was with another women  engaged to be married and it fell apart. I was very vulnerable to her BPD ways. I didnt give myself enough time to heal. Live and learn.

I think that's how I got spun into the chaos of my BPD relationship too. When I met my BPDex, I was about 3 months out of a 5 year relationship that fell apart. There's no way I was over it yet. I think I might have turned a blind eye to some of my BPDex's red flags because I was just enjoying having a new relationship. I don't know if I would have gotten so deep with it if I hadn't been vulnerable from the previous relationship still being so fresh.

[Waifed]

It takes a lot of work for the pwBPD to find new narcissistic supply. So why not return to a person who has given in to them before(us) and know that they will get that supply easily then having to work for a new source of it. Sounds heinous, I know. Probably explains why mine returned to me for round 2. She knew she could get back in. And she did.

Logic would tell me that recycling a previous partner is a way to have that supply while searching for a new "love of their life".  I wonder if they are searching while recycling. Hell ,

they are probably always looking period. My thinking is they know they have devalued their past partner before so they assume it will happen again.

[Moonie75]

It takes a lot of work for the pwBPD to find new narcissistic supply. So why not return to a person who has given in to them before(us) and know that they will get that supply easily then having to work for a new source of it. Sounds heinous, I know. Probably explains why mine returned to me for round 2. She knew she could get back in. And she did.

Logic would tell me that recycling a previous partner is a way to have that supply while searching for a new "love of their life".  I wonder if they are searching while recycling. Hell ,

they are probably always looking period. My thinking is they know they have devalued their past partner before so they assume it will happen again.

Bang on the money! Totally my experience.

[Moonie75]

I do have a recycle exception story though.

My exBPD recycled every partner she ever had, except for one! Her ex husband!

She's only been married once. I got the same story from her & him.

She went into full rage on him in after about 3 months of them being together. It happened in his house before they lived together, so he kicked her ass out o there & said she could forget a relationship if she did it again.

She do it again but it took EIGHT YEARS!

True to his word he didn't stand for it twice & separated from her, then applied for divorce.

He changed his mind during separation but she upheld it & the divorce went through. She's never recycled him!



Eight years between only two rages! I take my hat off to him for pulling that off!

[santa]

I do have a recycle exception story though.

My exBPD recycled every partner she ever ha, except for one! Her ex husband!

She's only been married once. I got the same story from her & him.

She went into full rage on him in after about 3 months of them being together. It happened in his house before they lived together, so he kicked her ass out o there & said she could forget a relationship if she did it again.

She do it again but it took EIGHT YEARS!

True to his word he didn't stand for it twice & separated from her, then applied for divorce.

He changed his mind during separation but she upheld it & the divorce went through. She's never recycled him!

I think this is exactly why my ex wouldn't get back with me when I was trying after our split. They can't stand it when someone holds them accountable for their actions.

My BPDex had been on probation for DUI and I told her I understood, but that if it happened again, I wouldn't understand. So, this past summer, she got arrested for DUI. By the time she returned the next day I had temporary custody of our daughter and she was served with papers for a hearing like 3 days later.

I totally stood up to her... . AND THEY ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT. 

So, she left and here we are!

She couldn't stand it that she wasn't in control, so she took her ball and went home. I think she won't reengage with me because she knows I won't put up with it.

[Moonie75]

santa,

If it's any consolation... Her ex husband is also the only former partner she seemed to still have respect for.

I feel she had come to loath the others for putting up with her BS, and respected him for standing up to her. She never admitted it but the dynamic seemed pretty transparent to me!

[santa]

santa,

If it's any consolation... Her ex husband is also the only former partner she seemed to still have respect for.

I feel she had come to loath the others for putting up with her BS, and respected him for standing up to her. She never admitted it but the dynamic seemed pretty transparent to me!

I think mine probably does have some respect for me. I can't have anything to do with her right now because I'm still emotional about it, but we do have a daughter, so maybe one day we'll be able to co-exist. It won't be any time soon though.