overwhelmed with depression lately

[cowl022]

   

   Its been almost 5 months since my BPD rs ended. I have been keeping busy and im focused on my goals, but even though my mind

Is focused on these things I cant help but to go back there every now and then. I have issues on the weekends... . thinking about her. I try and spend time with old friends during weekends, and it helps get my mind off it. For the last couple of weeks Ive found myself convincing myself that the rs was eventually not going amywhere... . that it was toxic. I guess the memories of the good times pull me back into thinking about her, but often leads me to realize that it was all a lie. I guess what bothers me the most is that I get to thinking about my replacement... . and I start to question my self worth.  Was I not good enough. Did I not show her enough love. Ive been experiencing more feelings of depression within the last couple of

Weeks. Why does she get to move on with someone while Im stuck by myself with feelings of abandonment and confusion from questions I will probably never get answers too?  Sometimes I do realize that I have worth based on the fact that I never abandoned her because I genuinely cared and loved her. Even when A BPD therapist I met online told me to run the hell away. Maybe I deserve this torment. Sometimes I feel I shouldve ran away as fast as I could. I never really thought she was just going to discard me for good. Whether she has replaced me or not is irrelevant. I came to realize that she was poison. What bothers me the most is that she created this facade in order to use me because she needed someone to feel sorry for her. It was all a conveniant lie, and I had to end up with torment at the end. This has caused core trauma within myself. It takes my peace of mind at times and thats what is eating me up inside. Its painful. Im trying, but sometimes its too much.  I didnt deserve this.

[santa]

I'm 5 months out too. It's been a rough time for me as well. I recently went no contact and it's brought me more peace than I could imagine. If you haven't tried that, I recommend it.

Also, there's a thread on here about splitting your ex that really made a difference for me. Basically it means that sometimes thinking back on her as the love of your life and sometimes looking back at her as a horrible monster isn't the way to do it. You've got to think of her as the entirety of both whenever you think of her. Otherwise, your perception of things will be distorted.

I was feeling pretty lousy about things up until a few days ago and I may revert back to that at some point, but right now I'm enjoying the clarity and peace of mind.

5 months is too long of a breakup to get back together. It's just not going to happen. If it does, it's not going to be the way you want it anyway. I suggest saying to Hell with it and not caring any more. Every thought of her is a moment of your life wasted.

[cowl022]

Thank you Santa. I see we have this in common.  I try, but thougts of her take me to a place I dont want to be. One moment I try to make sense of things she said and did... . knowing (now) that she was splitting, and

The next remembering all the good times. I guess you are right though. Its not doing me

Any good to stay stuck. I need to get past this.

[Perfidy]

Hi cowl022... Hopefully you are feeling better. Your discomfort is understandable. In reading your post a thought occurred to me. I wonder if this poor guy is my replacement. You remind me of me. I know how hard this is.

[cowl022]

Thanks Perfidy. Im trying man. I hate to find myself stuck with these thoughts... . seeing that they shouldnt really matter anymore, but they certainly come in waves.  It gets tough when I remeber that we had so much in common but

Unfortunately this horrible disorder had to sabotage the rs.  I tried so hard man, but it the end it meant nothing.  Im well aware that I will never see her again. Thats just the way it is. She told me she didnt care about me anymore. All this happened from one day to the next. More of a reason for me to try and not allow these thoughts to take over, but its easier said than done. Im trying.

[santa]

Thanks Perfidy. Im trying man. I hate to find myself stuck with these thoughts... . seeing that they shouldnt really matter anymore, but they certainly come in waves.  It gets tough when I remeber that we had so much in common but

Unfortunately this horrible disorder had to sabotage the rs.  I tried so hard man, but it the end it meant nothing.  Im well aware that I will never see her again. Thats just the way it is. She told me she didnt care about me anymore. All this happened from one day to the next. More of a reason for me to try and not allow these thoughts to take over, but its easier said than done. Im trying.

This is the best trick in their bag. Mirroring. You think you and that person really connected and had tons in common and wanted the same things in life. That's not how it really was though. She was mirroring you. You were essentially falling in love with yourself (i.e. the illusion she was creating). That's not who she really is.

[Perfidy]

Cowl022... . I can explain some of the things that I went through and you may notice that you are experiencing something eerily similar. First the shock.

[MellowOddFellow]

im jumping all over the process, recently been feeling guilt, then i remember how she sabotaged us, "self fulfilling prophecies"   

cant seem to focus on anything else and its wearing me down (not sleeping/eating) now that shes gone the loneliness is unbearable, she isolated me for herself and now i share her loneliness.

i think im gonna have trouble getting back in action, noticed i get socially anxious and i cant keep a lid on it.

having to put these 2 images of her in my head is driving me insane. i often end up questioning my own memory and sanity.

i dont think im coping with it right because im finding myself trapped in a loop of ruminations, guilt, and anger and i just simmer on it.

even after reading so much it hurts my head (and heart) to know shes gone with the wind, with someone else and now its MY job to shuffle in the dark looking for the parts that made me who i was, what i valued, what i believed in and my sense of reality as a whole.

[santa]

im jumping all over the process, recently been feeling guilt, then i remember how she sabotaged us, "self fulfilling prophecies"   

cant seem to focus on anything else and its wearing me down (not sleeping/eating) now that shes gone the loneliness is unbearable, she isolated me for herself and now i share her loneliness.

i think im gonna have trouble getting back in action, noticed i get socially anxious and i cant keep a lid on it.

having to put these 2 images of her in my head is driving me insane. i often end up questioning my own memory and sanity.

i dont think im coping with it right because im finding myself trapped in a loop of ruminations, guilt, and anger and i just simmer on it.

even after reading so much it hurts my head (and heart) to know shes gone with the wind, with someone else and now its MY job to shuffle in the dark looking for the parts that made me who i was, what i valued, what i believed in and my sense of reality as a whole.

I can relate, man. It's terrible what they do to us. Everything is going to be ok though. Just give it some time. You don't want to be with someone that would do this to you. You're just caught up in the emotions still. It's going to sting for awhile, but you're going to be fine. Hang in there.

[Perfidy]

MOF... As long as rumination is present depression is active. Ranges from mild to acute. Rumination and depression act in a viscous circle. This comes with the territory and is difficult to break. If it persists more than a couple months professional help specifically for depression is advised. I have heard of people being stuck in this depressive cycle for years. I personally know someone who is plagued by rumination from a relationship that ended fifteen years ago. He talks about it like it was yesterday. I feel sorry for him. He has not seen a psych professional and plus he smokes a lotta pot. Other than that he is a badass guitar player. Also I read that artistic and creative people are prone to deep depression.

Some of the things I find relief in:

•Exercise-I like to walk a couple miles a day. I do yoga exercises. Sounds nuts, works well.

•Meditation-I practice mindfulness. A guide helps. Relaxation, breathing.

•Healthy eating-stay away from junk food and high sugar. Lots of water and easy on the booze.

•Get good rest- right? I remember waking between 2 and 4 am when depression was acute.

•Keep company- Loneliness is bad for depression. Reach out to family/friends. Make new friends. Support is available here. Use available resources. No, not the ex.

•Feel-have your feelings and try to express them constructively. Even anger. Get it out. Safely.

•Work on gratitude-be thankful for your life and the good things in your life.

Be proactive in your healing. It's a daily thing. Do this every day for as long as it takes. When the rumination has no room to operate the depression will diminish. The harder you work at it the faster you will feel better.

[MellowOddFellow]

everyday i try.

i miss her a lot. i miss just seeing her, just being around her, things that used to make me feel funny inside now haunt me.

i know it was all about her, all along. and every day i try, pushing along, sweeping her out of my mind one thought at at time.

currently waiting for my 1st appointment with the psych, looking forward to it as everything just keeps rotting inside my mind.

i hate her and yet it literary hurts when i miss her. everyday after everyone is asleep i sit there to see if i can cry as if it bring relief but the tears wont come out, they feel built up/stuck and it hurts me more.

i try a little harder everyday, but i have yet to have a day when i feel left over energy to get active.

lost all my friends, which is a good sign i guess because they never came back. even being around people and acting ok is exhausting.

i just wanna capture myself right now, so i can look back and say yes i loved, i cared, i made mistakes, i hurt and i let go.

part of me is telling me to never allow this to myself, but its that voice going to isolate me forever?

i have so many questions now, more about myself everyday, wondering why when we met we immediately locked together and sank straight down together, why it was soo addicting for the both i guess. i might not be mentally unstable but i can see i might carry more issues than i thought.

letting go of not just her as a person, but the "world" i was living in is the hardest thing ive had to do, yes just like drug withdrawal, feeling every second of it and i just want out, but im trying to hold on to whats left of me.

looking forward to the day i can thank her for showing me what real life is about.

such a hard, hard lesson to learn... . so hard... .

[Perfidy]

I'm very sorry to hear that you have so much pain MOF. It is quite understandable considering the nature of BPD relationships. Grieving/detaching/healing takes time. It will get better.

The main focus for you right now is you. You gotta get out of her and into you. Treat her like poison. You have to. Zero contact. If you need to deal with her for any reason, use a third party. Get rid of all reminders. Pictures, personal effects, everything. The reality is she's gone. You don't want her back. I know how hard this is. It's worth it. At the end you get the greatest gift this lifetime can offer. You get to experience your reality. Nobody else's. just yours. As its meant to be.

[Learning_curve74]

Some of the things I find relief in:

•Exercise-I like to walk a couple miles a day. I do yoga exercises. Sounds nuts, works well.

•Meditation-I practice mindfulness. A guide helps. Relaxation, breathing.

•Healthy eating-stay away from junk food and high sugar. Lots of water and easy on the booze.

•Get good rest- right? I remember waking between 2 and 4 am when depression was acute.

•Keep company- Loneliness is bad for depression. Reach out to family/friends. Make new friends. Support is available here. Use available resources. No, not the ex.

•Feel-have your feelings and try to express them constructively. Even anger. Get it out. Safely.

•Work on gratitude-be thankful for your life and the good things in your life.

Be proactive in your healing. It's a daily thing. Do this every day for as long as it takes. When the rumination has no room to operate the depression will diminish. The harder you work at it the faster you will feel better.

All great ideas, Perfidy! 

As to depression in the aftermath of a BPD breakup, most of us here can relate. You've suffered a loss, and that is a very real loss that requires grieving, and grieving is a process.

Most of us stuck here and depressed also probably have some of our own issues to work on especially if we ignored/excused red flags and put up with abuse from our BPD exes. One of my best friends was in a long term relationship with somebody I'm now sure had NPD. Once he dumped her, he only had externally directed anger at her rather than the internally directed anger of depression. He couldn't understand why I would be sad and miss my BPD exgf, he thought "good riddance to the f-ing ho." But I have some personal stuff to work through as I now realize that I felt "lacking" or being "not good enough". These issues are my own, yours may be totally different, but you might discover them when you have some mental energy to devote to figuring yourself out.