Getting better every day

[love4meNOTu]

I'm finishing up my intensive outpatient program on Wednesday. It's been an unbelievable opportunity for me to devote time to my own healing. As most of you know, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts since November, when my xhwBPD became engaged and I found out. My x was, and is very cruel, and his purposeful way of wanting to hurt me took me by surprise, because I was always in denial that he could possibly be that kind of a person.

 

The truth is, he can be and is that cruel. I've finally accepted that. He is both a good and kind, and a very angry, sick and vengeful person. It's not something I could have lived with for the next 20 years, it would have destroyed the very essence of me. And I am a person who is kind, loving, stable and wants her life (and her children's lives) filled with peace and serenity. This is what he needed about me and what drew him to me.

I spent a lot of time being angry because I failed at my second attempt at marriage. But today, I have accepted and forgiven my x. I will never forget and I will never go back to loving him. It's too painful to even be considered. The truth is, I knew he had problems before we married, and I was arrogant enough to think that my love would cure him. It didn't.

Instead, it's made me look at myself, and my actions. We moved too quickly, I had zero boundaries, and I have pretty huge issues with self esteem and I am fairly needy in that I want frequent reassurance that my partner loves me. I was also very HOPEFUL... . that I would find my true love in this man.

I also can turn cold when things do not go the way I expect. It's fear of not being able to control future events in my life. I withdraw and even run away from the tough stuff out of fear. But today I can tell you that I am doing my best to live in the moment and not get caught up in the events of the past two years. It's a struggle, but I am doing my best.

I wanted to be with him, I wanted to have a happy marriage, I wanted to help him. I failed at all three. I can accept this, and that it turned out the way it was supposed to be, because it was not all in my control. But I also see my x repeating the same pattern he did with me, rushing to the altar thinking that another relationship will deaden the pain inside of him. This makes me sad. Both for him and #4.

Someday I will forget the pain, and be able to look back at this experience and be grateful that I am out, safe, happy and free.

So today I wrote this because I needed to get it out, and frankly, no one really understands unless they've been in a relationship with a BPD.

I'm acknowledging that I had my own problems that drew him to me, and some of my problems precipitated the end of my marriage. It wasn't all him.

Putting one foot in front of the other today... . hope you all have a wonderful day.

Hugs,

L

[sun seeker]

 Hey 4fun

I can relate to your post whole heartedly.  I have also came  to the understanding that I have my own issues to nurture.  So glad your doing better,  I love hearing a success story on this board it helps others tremendously.

I've been having a rough time these last few days wanting to break n/c so bad. I know better. This urge just wont pass . Im staying strong and I will be ok. I have alot of healing to do, one step at a time.

Keep up the good work my friend.

[Learning_curve74]

Wow what a great post love4meNOTu!  

I can see from what you've written that you've made progress and are taking steps on the path of self-discovery. You're right, it is a struggle, especially in light of all the things you've experienced in a BPD relationship. Doing your best is the most and best thing you can ask of yourself now. We all take it one day at a time.

Thank you for sharing! You inspired me today!  

[heartandwhole]

What an inspiring post, love4me, thank you very much for sharing.  You are doing so well in your healing, it comes through loud and clear.   

The truth is, I knew he had problems before we married, and I was arrogant enough to think that my love would cure him. It didn't.

Instead, it's made me look at myself, and my actions. We moved too quickly, I had zero boundaries, and I have pretty huge issues with self esteem and I am fairly needy in that I want frequent reassurance that my partner loves me. I was also very HOPEFUL... . that I would find my true love in this man.

I can relate to this a lot.  Sounds like my M.O. at the time, too.  Ultimately, the  relationship with pwBPD was a blessing – it showed me something about myself that I didn't want to see, but really needed to.

Keep up the great work love4me !