Does anyone know their ex's history...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I sometimes wonder how much I don’t know about my uBPDexgf. Are there things that happened with other ex’s, her family, etc. I thought about this after remembering two different times, while we were in a r/s, where her parents called the police on her when she was at their house. The first time because her dad thought she hit her son, this escalated to yelling/hitting between her and her dad. He spent a few days in jail for DV. When she called me after this happened, it seemed like nothing to her, like it’s no big deal. Again, this is her account of what happened.

The second time she called after leaving her parents house, was hysterical, couldn’t understand a word she was saying. She kept her phone on the whole time and I heard her get pulled over, the police question her, etc. Apparently a fight escalated again, and police were called.

These are only 2 accounts I know of. I would bet there were more between them. I’ll bet there has been some pretty outrageous fights between her and her ex’s. But I’ll never know.

I started thinking of this again after remembering several times when she was raging, being abusive, breaking things…I threatened to call the police. Man, right then, she stopped…... started telling me not to, she didn’t need that. Makes me think there is a whole history I don’t know about……nor do I want to know.

[State85]

I sometimes wonder how much I don’t know about my uBPDexgf. Are there things that happened with other ex’s, her family, etc. I thought about this after remembering two different times, while we were in a r/s, where her parents called the police on her when she was at their house. The first time because her dad thought she hit her son, this escalated to yelling/hitting between her and her dad. He spent a few days in jail for DV. When she called me after this happened, it seemed like nothing to her, like it’s no big deal. Again, this is her account of what happened.

The second time she called after leaving her parents house, was hysterical, couldn’t understand a word she was saying. She kept her phone on the whole time and I heard her get pulled over, the police question her, etc. Apparently a fight escalated again, and police were called.

These are only 2 accounts I know of. I would bet there were more between them. I’ll bet there has been some pretty outrageous fights between her and her ex’s. But I’ll never know.

I started thinking of this again after remembering several times when she was raging, being abusive, breaking things…I threatened to call the police. Man, right then, she stopped…... started telling me not to, she didn’t need that. Makes me think there is a whole history I don’t know about……nor do I want to know.

[Pretty Woman]

My ex told me everything within a week of knowing each other. It read like a soap opera... . marriage, divorce, rape, domestic violence, childhood neglect, sex addiction, stalking, stealing exes back from other exes... .

it was overwhelming, especially to a woman who has only had two serious relationships that were boring in comparison.

I really felt bad for her. Wanted to hold her and make her feel better, but she was mean. She had anger issues. Once I told her about my day and she said "You are telling me this, why?" It was so mean and rude. If I told her my deepest thoughts she would belittle them. Nothing I could say nor do was right.

I was so browbeaten I fell out of love. I loved her but wasn't "in love". I felt like a caregiver to her. I didn't want this anymore, yet I was devestated when she pulled the plug on it.

[santa]

I know enough about my ex's past to make her not want to be in a relationship with me. She can't face it. Lol

[Pretty Woman]

My ex, at the end, I told her I knew she was incapable of fully loving someone. This her ex told me and I told her this.

She was really pissed and accused me of contacting all her exes which I did not (this ex and I are FB friends, we went to her wedding).

My ex did not like I was accusing her of what she accused me of, "not being vulnerable". All I know is she shut down all means of communication after that.

Better for me.

[In_n_Out]

Same with my ex.  By the 2nd date, she was lamenting over the loss of the previous guy.  This was a guy that drove a trailer or something (traveling sales guy or some weird stuff) and he promised her the world and he was going to "save" her, etc.  Quickly found out about the latin guy that had a temper but she was so attached to him.  He was there to save her too.  And then the boyfriend that took her to and then "abandoned" her while in Europe.  I learned about the guy in a little hick town that was a total hick with some disability (I forget what it was).  She couldn't stand his hick accent yet she moved in with him because she had nowhere else to go.  When asked if it was a relationship as in intimate, "well, yes".  So you didn't really like this guy but he let you live with him and you slept with him as a form of payment?  Yeah, that didn't go over well. 

I learned about her troubled upgringing and her over-bearing dad.  On the first visit to meet her parents she was so worked up about it and needed a horse tranquilizer (literally).  Her dear old dad and me are out in his workshop and he starts to have a talk about her to me.  Says that she lies alot and can't find the right guys; has always had guy problems.  She has to pawn things to pay bills and she lies about it.  I mean, he's basically telling me "she's got issues and if you want to stick around, just be forwarned".  I mean really!  Of course I'm thinking "nah, her dad is an ass with the issues". 

Yes, she was very open and outright about things yet, there's probably so much more that I don't know.  In fact, she always warned me that "there was more".  Never found out what that is.  She did talk about hurting herself though she never did it when we were together save for the time early in the r/s when she slammed her arm in a door repeatedly.  I would guess suicide attempts and probably rape.  She was very protective and freaked out at just the mention of anal sex so I'm guessing that somebody down the road forced that upon her. 

So yes, she talked a lot about her past.  So much so that if I hadn't gotten sucked in and fell in love with her; was just a perfect stranger and she was telling me all of this, I would run so fast it would make your head spin.  Yet, in her brilliance of BPD, she is able to tell you all of this yet make you feel so loved that you just want to hold her and let her know how everything is going to be ok.  She would always ask me for a hug and to say "everything is going to be ok".  Freaking scary.

[MrFox]

I would say I know quiet a bit, since she very much enjoys playing the victim and one of her themes is how terrible her childhood was.  While I have no doubt she had a messed up childhood, since the stories change I'm not really sure what is real and what is made up. I know of her past for the past four years and it is a story of lies, manipulations, and cheating.  Wish I would have known about it before we got together.  On the other hand, I probably would have ignored it anyway.

[Tincup]

I am starting to wonder how much I really knew about my ex's history.  I know that she had an emotionally abusive father, and her mother died when she was young.  I heard about how terrible her ex husband was (even though they are still legally married, 8 years separated).  I know she still thrashes her ex husband via text and email.

I knew all of this by the second date, and right before she told me she loved me.  But I wonder how bad her ex really was after what I experienced.  I think I know her perception of her history, but that I believe is different from "reality".  God I hope I can get back to reality soon and put all this crap behind me.  I am starting to feel like I have BPD since I go from ok to sad to angry to ok several times in the course of a day (although ok is becoming more regular and the others are starting to go away).

[allweareisallweare]

Self harm attempt ( )! no real long term relationships ( !) bunch of falllouts with people, so called good friends etc ( !) God, and how surreal that they are part of OUR history now, and that we may have to disclose our encounter o this illness with future spouses/friends etc

[ShadowDancer]

I know enough about my ex's past to make her not want to be in a relationship with me. She can't face it. Lol

Same here. Soon after the breakup I informed her I was cognizant of PD and went hard NC, enter the immediate hero rescue replacement as if she were drowning. Surreal is right. Shame on her, and lucky for me. Borderline pinball.

[State85]

Mine has been married/divorced twice. She did mention her first husband beat her. I wonder now how much of that may be true, or if she provoked that, or how much beating she did on him... .

Early in our r/s she informed me that her most recent ex thinks she cheated on him, and if he says anything to me about it, that it is not true. Now, I'm starting to believe it may be true. Her explanation was she met this guy in a spin class, became friends, and would invite him over to her house to watch a movie every now and then. She said her ex knew about this... . Sounds awfully suspicious to me, since I know how she is now.

And, she offered this information up one time... . she was dating a guy (same guy she met in spin class) and he called the police on her one time at his house. I asked why, she said she didn't know, she only went over there to talk to him. Based on how she has acted at my house, I know why he called the police. Raging outside lunatic is my guess. But later if I ask her about this, she totally denies ever saying that... .

[Pretty Woman]

State,

  IMO she was lying and prob did cheat.

Mine told me the woman before was stalking her. She had to take out a restraining order,change her number and move.

A month into our relationship she is talking to this woman on the phone about me.  About a month before our final break I find out this woman was actually in the process of moving here when she and I met and started to date. So much for the "sex addict/stalker" title she gave her.

It's hard to believe anything anymore.

[charred]

Lets see... she was married and divorced twice... asked me to marry her twice... . engaged 7 times, had 3 BF's while dating me... 2 STD's I know of (I wasn't involved... thankfully)... . had an abortion from a BF just post HS, she was diagnosed BPD in grad school... . then tried to get the guys licensing pulled. She went to a T who she said told her I was NPD and that she just "had an unstable personality is all" and that she should read "Women who love too much". She stalked my exwife, laughed when my pre-teen daughter broke a bone.

Pretty much devoid of a conscience or empathy.

[Cardinals in Flight]

The X was intent on finding out my r/s history! Then I got hers, admitted to cheating (once) and said she would never inflict that kind of pain again.     One X tried to kill her, they are BFFs now  , came home from work and another X had moved out, she had no clue anything was wrong,  , had no problem trashing others in conversations  , had very few close friends, and she maintained the contact on an every other month type basis ,  and I'm supposed to be a fairly well educated adult with only 3 prior serious relationships over the past 53 years. 

Do I have to count this one? 

CiF

[xPaintedBlackx]

I thought my ex told me everything. THought she really opened up to me over the years about a lot of bad situations in her life.

3 years later, I talked to her stepmother for the first time and it turns out they were all lies. EVERYTHING.

So I think the question should be, do you REALLY know your Ex's history?

[State85]

State,

  IMO she was lying and prob did cheat.

Mine told me the woman before was stalking her. She had to take out a restraining order,change her number and move.

A month into our relationship she is talking to this woman on the phone about me.  About a month before our final break I find out this woman was actually in the process of moving here when she and I met and started to date. So much for the "sex addict/stalker" title she gave her.

It's hard to believe anything anymore.

PW... . I totally agree... . I don't believe anything, nothing... .

[feelingcrazy7832]

wow, like everyone is saying here, who knows what is the truth and what isn't. My ex had an alcoholic father who wouldn't come home for days at a time. He and his brother witnessed physical violence between his parents. He jokes about the time his mom stabbed his dad in the back with a fork. His dad was physically violent with him. Told him he cheated on his mom. Who knows if it's all true. His mom is bipolar.

EVERYTHING he told me about his ex wife was a complete lie. She and I had several talks. I mean EVERYTHING. The creepiest lie was when he called me out of the blue one day and told me she showed up at his work and assaulted him. I've posted about this before. He went into so much detail down to what she looked like, what she said, etc. Turns out the woman hasn't been in the state we live in since their divorce many years prior to this incident. His excuse once confronted was that he wanted to make me jealous. Wow, just wow. 

[Waifed]

I only know what she has told me, so no I don't know her history.

[Waifed]

I know enough about my ex's past to make her not want to be in a relationship with me. She can't face it. Lol

Lol, I have told a couple of her friends enough about our relationship and her actions that she does not want me anywhere around her.  She called the cops and had them ask me not to ever contact any of her friends again.  It is amazing what happens to them when their mask is penetrated.

[santa]

I know enough about my ex's past to make her not want to be in a relationship with me. She can't face it. Lol

Lol, I have told a couple of her friends enough about our relationship and her actions that she does not want me anywhere around her.  She called the cops and had them ask me not to ever contact any of her friends again.  It is amazing what happens to them when their mask is penetrated.

They hate it when the jig is up. 

[Waifed]

Yeah, I would have destroyed her if she hadn't sicked the cops on me. (some of the stuff i sent to her f@ck buddy was borderline immoral but probably not illegal).  I don't want to push it any further.

[love4meNOTu]

You know something, I don't think I do.

I know he was married twice before, both cheated on him. But yea, he accused me of the same and I never even looked at another man after I met him so... it's quite possible he projected that on them as well.

He said he had tons of girlfriends (that he lived with i.e. mooched on) after his divorce.

Strangely, he never mentioned their last names. There was xgf1, who he dated and cheated on him, then xgf2, who was too attached to her children and didn't pay enough attention to him (she was a nurse I guess, busy lady), and then xgf3, who worked with him. xgf3 was cheap according to him. So in 8 years he lived with three women.

He really can't be alone. Which is why 2 months after our divorce he is engaged again. I don't know, not sure any of this matters anymore.

This is what he does to cope, he just can't face his pain. And you know what, his pain was around long before any of us were in his life. And I"m sure all of us, as xhwBPD ex's, were caught shaking our heads at what actually went on in his head. There's so much fear in his head, he really can't help it.

He hurts people on purpose though, and he does need to take responsibility for that. Maybe someday he will.

God bless,

Lyn

[gettingoverit]

I thought my ex told me everything. THought she really opened up to me over the years about a lot of bad situations in her life.

3 years later, I talked to her stepmother for the first time and it turns out they were all lies. EVERYTHING.

So I think the question should be, do you REALLY know your Ex's history?

I can totally relate to this statement. In my situation I found out all the dirt after we split up. From what I could gather by talking to her exes, she had rewritten a lot of her history to make herself out to be the poor helpless victim that needed saving. Turns out she was actually the one who did all the horrible things to her exes, and lied about them as badly as she herself had behaved. Looking back and knowing what I know now... . I did not know a darn thing about her that was based in any truth (besides the fact that she is a nutjob). After 6.5 yrs with someone, coming to that realization is very sad... . very sad indeed.

[Lol4fun]

I got told bits and pieces about my ex's life history and all within a short period of time like 2 or 3 days. He said his Dad frequently cheated on his mother and while his mom was sick and before she died last year he was messing around with some 20year old at his work. He also said he had issues with his mom how she was always riding him I'm HS etc like all men were bad. He told me that he was hospitalized during the summer before his freshman year of HS. I asked him why he said I guess my parents thought I was depressed and bc of some girl I liked. Then we get I to the actual r/s he said he met a girl from his hometown who was also going away to the same univ as him. They started dating and did while at school he said she got pregnant had an abortion then started sleeping around with different guys on campus thus things ended. He then said his next real r/s was when he was just out of college he said it ended after they had gone to a concert together and when they got home they started fighting and while they were both sitting on the floor him with his back up against his bedroom door she either kicked him or dumped water on him so his response was to get up and punch her in the face & told her to get the heck out of his apt.  Not more than a month later he met his ex wife who he was with for 15 years. Claims she is his best friend and will always be that. When asked why marriage failed he can't give a legit reason and says I have nothing bad to say about her.  Yet they stopped sleeping with each other 5 or 6 years into the marriage and then would sometimes go 2 years with none. Ten year wedding anniversary even being in the Caribbean they didn't. Umm... . If your not sleeping with each other means something is wrong with your r/s and maybe she is his best friend in his eyes doubt he is I'm hers. He also said his dad found a new woman and moved across the country to be with her and get married and that he met her not even a month after his mom passed. He said he was disgusted by this... . Umm pot calling kettle black bc that is what my ex does breaks up with one to jump head long into another r/s.

If we listen closely people tell you exactly who they are. Mine certainly did. He at one time when I tried to resolve a problem he had with me he threw up his hands saying I can't do this relationship S&$t I've done the lets talk it out and all that BS this is the last thing I want or need in my life (he was saying I just want you around to make me feel good meet my needs but I don't want to meet any of your needs I just want to play pretend house) Another time when he was in a bad mood and being mean I said I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. His reply "yup that really is how it is with me pretty much all the time" he has said when I told him I feel constantly criticized "your not the first person to say that". Another good one was when he said "well if the damned if you do and damned if you don't bothers you well just wait bc there is much much more you haven't seen yet".  Later when in another bad mood where I just said I'm going home then walked to my car he followed me and was wanting me to go but also not go then follows it up with saying "if we ever get to the stage of living together your not going to be able to leave and go to your own place your gonna be stuck dealing with me & I can be like this frequently".  Add him saying you just have no idea about how I really am I always want everything  to be perfect all the time.

Basically if I had really listened I wouldn't really need to know his history as he was telling me all along I'm messed up and you really shouldn't be dating me. I didn't head his warnings.

[myself]

Which one? The stories kept changing. At the center, she was always the victim.

I began to doubt what she told me of her past when she made up variations of the present that didn't happen the way she said they did. When she told me I had it wrong, but I knew I did not.

Her history now includes the truths and lies she lived with me. Our story.

[starshine]

My ex told me so many stories, he really had me in the palm of his hand.  I honestly don't know that ANYTHING he ever told me was the truth.  It's creepy to have been with someone for 5 years and realize I may have been lied to about everything the whole time.  I'm sorry I spent so much time, energy, and money on him.  What a waste.  So sad.   :'(

[sun seeker]

 I know all my xdBPDgf "r/s" have been with ppl in rehab except for me... .   but I can say with confidence( even though I dont know )she has been doing the same crap she did to me her whole life. No brainer... .

[Moonie75]

Weird one to get yer head around this... . My ex has a fairly stable history. Confirmed by friends & family & even a couple of her ex's I've spoken with.

She had two long term relationships without drama or raging, they just fizzled out & ended fairly normally.

Then met her husband to be. Had a rage on him before they lived together (pre-marriage). He told her she could forget a relationship if it happened again. All was well for another eight years! Then she had another rage when they were moving. He stopped the move & filed for divorce (true to his word he wasn't standing for it). She says the marriage was failing & that on top of the stress of moving caused her to lose it one night & rage at him.

So they parted company & enter Moonie! She's not diagnosed but displays full high functioning BPD traits without the self harming. She aknowledges at lucid times that she has issues & they're getting worse. (I've never dared say it but it's almost like her BPD issues are trying to make up for lost time).

Truly heart breaking to see a woman who had the love & respect of friends & family alienating herself with her behavior of the last three years. her brother & sister say they no longer know who she is!

Her family, friends (what little are left) and me, all believe her own separation & divorce kicked off issues which lay dormant since her parents divorce when she was five yrs old. (her daddy left without warning & never saw his daughters for four years).

It sounds very unlikely that it could sit there within a person all that time & not surface to cause its many many problems... . But that truly is the picture we in her world have!

It used to be why I stayed, sympathized & wanted to not be another man abandon her, failing her... . It's now the very reason I won't go back, can't go back when her current romance pops, & ultimately why I must abandon her!

[State85]

Abandon ship Moonie... .

[Ironmanrises]

After friendship for years and 2 rounds in a relationship, i do not really know after everything i experienced if what she told me was true or not. One thing is/was true about her history; it will repeat itself ad nausum due to her undiagnosed disorder. I will not be privy to her destructive ways anymore. 

[arn131arn]

The only other serious RS my ex had was a college bf she dated for 3 years.  He moved to the other side of the country when they split.

I don't know the details other than her familt didn't like him (sounds too familiar).

I know her dad abandoned her when she was 5.  She was very much the daddy's girl before this happened.  

Her mother was an immigrant who worked as a maid, and times were tough for them financially.  Her father made her mother sign documents (she doesn't speak english barely) that he would give her $100/month in child support for 3 kids.

Her dad then got a GF pregnant and they have a half-brother.  Her dad moved the 3 girls to this GF's house bc the mother had become cmpletely insane.

Her dad is now remarried to a 3rd woman.  He cheats on his new wife with my ex's mom, to this day.  Her mom is super christian, like with a cape on.   BUt it's all a facade.  she has more hate than any woman I've ever seen before.  She still prays to Jesus that her dad will come back to her one day (it's been 32 years).  Her dad still promises my ex's mom cars, and houses... . wow!

On weekends, the family gets together and the dynamic is crazy.  My ex's mom, their half-brother's mom, and the new wife, all sitting around the man that made this possible... . insane

Her mom devalued men all her life.  They are all cheats and they will all leave is what she was told from childhood.  She was essentially raised by her father's gf, while her father cheated on the woman raising his kids. They used to lie to her dad's gfs so other women can se him without their knowing... . it's just a sick cycle of enabling, and distortion... . I never saw it as a red flag just a tough time for her... . but I would save the day, right?