consequences of breakng NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, well I was doing pretty good up until i broke NC on mon. Now i a have another. DV order against me and and possible criminal charges.  Cant go into details but i am praying for my ex.  And yes i am completely innocent.

[irishmarmot]

Hi, well I was doing pretty good up until i broke NC on mon. Now i a have another. DV order against me and and possible criminal charges.  Cant go into details but i am praying for my ex.  And yes i am completely innocent.

[Murbay]

Wow irishmarmot, I'm really sorry to hear that and hope things get resolved quickly for you 

Can I ask what prompted you to break NC? Was it just testing the waters or did you have to get in touch for something important?

NC can be difficult at the best of times, it's certainly not good when it gets turned back against you. Again, I hope things sort themselves out soon for you.

[irishmarmot]

I am codependant lonely, thinking that things would be different

[sun seeker]

 irish...

Sorry to hear that bro. She has a history of pulling this ___ , i pretty confident the judge will side with you... .

Ive been struggling REALLY BAD with breaking n/c for the past few days. Story's like this are a reminder for me why I shouldn't.  She never called the cops but there is always a first time.

So hopefully lesson learned RIGHT?

[sadinnc98]

Oh no  I am so sorry you are going through this! Its so hard. Hang in there.

[irishmarmot]

Yes, my lesson is learned think I'll be ok thanks for the support.   One thing is certain I nevet have to go through this again.   Gonna take time to work on my issues and heal

[Changingman]

'Things would be different'

What could have been.

So hard to accept this stuff.

When I see new members join, read about their confusion and pain. I remember when I first read and realised I'd been hidiously abused for 4 years, I include the idealisation stage. This part is the wolf fattening the child to be eaten.

They are hoping for an answer, and that answer will be some wisdom that will magically take them back to the first high of the RS. Dreams.

The journey to realisation that it was all fake, is shattering. All around you crazy people are unclothed and revealed in their true light. Your own family and history facade crumbles and the truth is revealed. Your own heart and personal demons are shocked that you are looking them in the eye, they are frightened, and roar back at you not as confident as when they were hidden and dining on your soul. They wonder if this is the last of their days.

Early child wounds are released from the dim corners into the light and heard again. Hopefull of being healed and loved and not ignored.

Total system failure.

Alone, maybe more than you have ever been. New crazy feelings unfelt before... .

Fluctuating emotions, panic attacks, fear of abandonment, pathalogical jealiousy, paranoid feelings, utter betrayal, a frightening world you cannot trust, suisidal thoughts, rage, murderious thoughts, almost complete inability to function... . you have just tasted BPD and it's Comorbid brothers and sisters. The word cluster will never refer to chocolate or diamonds or any other thing again. borderline will never be just a word.

I want to say to anyone who has started, or is ending or ended a RS with a BPD... . Run... . RUN... . RUN! For the love of God RUN.

Don't look back, swim to the shore. Gasping, exhausted, frightened, near death. You wake up... . different.

Perhaps I've got 'it', will I ever be well again, am I broken beyond repair, will I ever have a RS again, will I be able to have sex again without the demons hands on me, even that poisoned.

Is it all worth hanging around for anymore.

Only you can answer this, you've been answering this your whole life, you just didn't know it.

Anger and revenge by recovering is a must. It's Natural in us to feel hope and joy. Unless we have hmmmmm! Or have had the hands of monsters on us!

No more I say,

   let    them    be    gone

They are mist, paper thin, like their emotions, a blow up balloon of BOO!

The poison will return to its source, it isn't ours. Reengaging them? Come on!

Love yourself, take care of yourself, forgive yourself... .

Or if you need some more punishment

Press ups

Wake an angry dog

Learn something new

Give up smoking

Do a self portrait

Loose a few pounds

Learn to love yourself, now that's hard.

Please let me walk unstoppable through fresh fields.

Don't drink to much either!

I hate you, leave me.

[MrConfused]

Yikes, what happened?

I really feared this when I broke NC with mine. Even tho it was just via txt she could have got an harassment order against me (never mind the amount of texts I got off her whenever she thought *I* was leaving)

[ShadowDancer]

Changingman,

                    To the post above all I can say is WOW! Splendid!

[Murbay]

irishmarmot, I'm really sorry to hear that 

As for being a lonely codependent, I think the majority of us on here either fall or have fallen into that category and that certainly doesn't excuse her behaviour.

Mine filed false charges after I left but they got thrown out. The sad part was she was the one who told me to leave and then turned aggressive because I left without waking her up to say goodbye. Been NC as a result of all the nastiness that went on after I had gone.

Like you irishmarmot, all I have ever wanted for my exBPDw is kindness, peace and happiness. I've avoided the drama and even now it still hurts a little when I get bombarded with e-mails telling me how badly she is doing and to give her any kind of response. I resist the temptation to break NC by remembering the damage she tried to cause right at the very end and not allowing myself the satisfaction of handing her any ammunition.

[State85]

Like you irishmarmot, all I have ever wanted for my exBPDw is kindness, peace and happiness. I've avoided the drama and even now it still hurts a little when I get bombarded with e-mails telling me how badly she is doing and to give her any kind of response. I resist the temptation to break NC by remembering the damage she tried to cause right at the very end and not allowing myself the satisfaction of handing her any ammunition.

Yes, the email/texts telling me how bad her life is. Shes unemployed, about to lose her house, her car, only has 1/4 tank gas, no milk in the refrigerator... on and on. But, this has been going on for a couple of months... . she's still in her house, still has her car, and apparantly has enough gas to drive to my replacements house every other day... . So, what to believe, and why keep sending me these texts... .

[irishmarmot]

Thank you everyone for the support.   I don't know how what the future holds.  I do forgive her, I know that may sound strange and I tell that to myself many times a day but I have to move on.  My T is not too sympathetic and I can only tell a few friends but I now realize that I put myself in a position to be hurt. I was looking for the validation that I never received growing up and got beaten to the ground every time I was around her.  Part of me believes she is evil with all the lies she has told.  And not just to me but everyone she is in contact with.  I don't know but I believe she has a lot of bad history so this is for the best because I have finally woken up.  I need to concentrate on myself to protect myself in the future from people like her.

[Murbay]

Irishmarmot, the future is a bright one and holds many good things.

It doesn't sound strange to forgive her, in fact it sounds very reasonable. I used to make excuses for mine and my T wasn't too sympathetic either, said I gave her too much credit and not enough to myself. He has taught me a lot and I'm extremely grateful for the lessons I learned. I'm still picking away at the pieces and it's a cycle that can be difficult to break out of but some of the words you have said in your post are the key to your future.

You said you were looking for the validation you never received growing up. Now is the time to take that step back, forgive others, most importantly forgive yourself and realise that you are in the best position to give your inner you that validation you so richly wanted.

It's babysteps, but everything you need is inside you right now. Strip away the surface, understand why you feel the way you do, work through each of those feelings, forgive yourself and finally give yourself that validation. Happiness comes from within, only you have control of your feelings and you are going to have a much brighter future  

[irishmarmot]

Thank you Murbay, my religion tells me to forgive and you are absolutely right,  I need to forgive myself.   I entered the relationship looking for someone to love but maybe i have been looking for validation and not really love.  My ex was like my mother probably looking for the same as me.  I just could not provide what she needed and with the nature of the illness things just went bad really quickly.   I am not blaming myself for what has happened but i do blame myself for breaking NC because I should have known.   I know better now.

[love4meNOTu]

irish-

I know you are hurting right now and I'm so sorry. I know it feels terrible when we break our own hearts.

I'm gonna say a prayer for you right now... and that is:

Dear Irish's higher power-

Please watch over him tonight and let him forgive himself.

Amen

[Murbay]

Irishmarmot, you shouldn't blame yourself for anything. What you have done is taken responsibility for your own actions and that is more than enough   Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you will not be the first or the last. The difference we have is that we can look at the choices we make, take the responsibility for them and learn from them. There are no real bad choices as long as you take something away from them.

I completely understand your approach to entering the relationship. I know now that's what drew me in too, someone who appealled to the lonely child whilst at the same time presented themselves as someone who needed to be rescued. It's a very messed up cycle when you look from the outside "Save me and I will take the loneliness away" only that no matter how much effort you apply, they can't be saved.

What you can take away from your experience is that you did the best you possibly could and no matter how much effort anybody put in, it was never going to be enough. You should stand proud of what you accomplished and the lessons you have brought away from the experience and every choice you make from here out will be a valuable lesson that can have a positive impact on your life.

Take the steps to learn to love yourself and everything else will start to follow 

[Kallor74]

'Things would be different'

What could have been.

So hard to accept this stuff.

When I see new members join, read about their confusion and pain. I remember when I first read and realised I'd been hidiously abused for 4 years, I include the idealisation stage. This part is the wolf fattening the child to be eaten.

They are hoping for an answer, and that answer will be some wisdom that will magically take them back to the first high of the RS. Dreams.

The journey to realisation that it was all fake, is shattering. All around you crazy people are unclothed and revealed in their true light. Your own family and history facade crumbles and the truth is revealed. Your own heart and personal demons are shocked that you are looking them in the eye, they are frightened, and roar back at you not as confident as when they were hidden and dining on your soul. They wonder if this is the last of their days.

Early child wounds are released from the dim corners into the light and heard again. Hopefull of being healed and loved and not ignored.

Total system failure.

Alone, maybe more than you have ever been. New crazy feelings unfelt before... .

Fluctuating emotions, panic attacks, fear of abandonment, pathalogical jealiousy, paranoid feelings, utter betrayal, a frightening world you cannot trust, suisidal thoughts, rage, murderious thoughts, almost complete inability to function... . you have just tasted BPD and it's Comorbid brothers and sisters. The word cluster will never refer to chocolate or diamonds or any other thing again. borderline will never be just a word.

I want to say to anyone who has started, or is ending or ended a RS with a BPD... . Run... . RUN... . RUN! For the love of God RUN.

Don't look back, swim to the shore. Gasping, exhausted, frightened, near death. You wake up... . different.

Perhaps I've got 'it', will I ever be well again, am I broken beyond repair, will I ever have a RS again, will I be able to have sex again without the demons hands on me, even that poisoned.

Is it all worth hanging around for anymore.

Only you can answer this, you've been answering this your whole life, you just didn't know it.

Anger and revenge by recovering is a must. It's Natural in us to feel hope and joy. Unless we have hmmmmm! Or have had the hands of monsters on us!

No more I say,

   let    them    be    gone

They are mist, paper thin, like their emotions, a blow up balloon of BOO!

The poison will return to its source, it isn't ours. Reengaging them? Come on!

Love yourself, take care of yourself, forgive yourself... .

Or if you need some more punishment

Press ups

Wake an angry dog

Learn something new

Give up smoking

Do a self portrait

Loose a few pounds

Learn to love yourself, now that's hard.

Please let me walk unstoppable through fresh fields.

Don't drink to much either!

I hate you, leave me.

Amen!   Gotta work on the not drinking too much... .

[HostNoMore]

I agree with everything written by the others about breaking NC.  It leads to nothing but more pain until you've spent enough time in NC to where you've quit caring.

However, it you do break it, and I know that I've done it more than once myself.  Realize that each day you go NC a little more inner strength will accumulate until one day it will seem so natural. 

I had my exBPDgf recently contact me after 1.5 years.  I waited two weeks on purpose just to take the power away from my former Queen BPDgf and gave her a brief response.  It concerned her children who are not mine, but are the only thing actually that I still miss about the relationship, and they really liked me too.  They were the only reason I even bothered to respond.  I have no children so they gave me that pleasure for the brief time I was with her.

I'm sure my delay did not sit well with her, but I really don't care anymore.  That's the power of sustained NC is that you won't be hurt when they contact you.  Mine is an admitted boomerang type so I'm sure I'll hear from her again.  I know it won't be for my benefit too.

[santa]

Sucks, dude.

BPD women love the cops. That's one reason to stay away from them. They'll put you in jail if you hang around them long enough.

You've just got to face the facts that any interaction with her is just going to blow up in your face. You'll never gain anything from it.

If you get the urge to call her, just save yourself the trouble and kick yourself in the nuts, clean out your bank account and throw all of your money in a lake, and go tell all your embarrassing secrets to everyone you know. That's about what dealing with your BPDex will get you.

[HostNoMore]

Good one Santa.

Mine filed fake rape charges against her exH.  How did I miss that one?  (White Knight... . cough, cough)

When she dumped me she told me that she would go easy on me as she cared about me.  At that time, I was perplexed.  Well, after spending about 5 hours on this board I knew exactly what she meant.  

Well, she did go easy on me except she freaked out when I initiated NC. Mine is extremely attractive and probably never had been done that way before by any guy.  I had to resist months of re-engagement attempts with her using blatantly sexual tactics on her part.  Eventually, she left me alone though I know she'll contact me again and again over the years.  

Playing with a BPD is like playing with fire so you'd best respect them as they can and will burn you.

[irishmarmot]

Thank you Santa, for the advice and believe me, I'm not missing the relationship at all.  I understand the dark side of the illness well enough.   False charges happen in some cases, just didn't see it coming.   I am going to work on my issues and move on with my lifr.

[Free2Bee]

Aw, Irish. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Good on you for picking yourself up and carrying on. We can't fix them, we can't truly get closure. All we can do is help ourself. NC is a tough road, isn't it... .

Thinking of you. Hang in there!

[irishmarmot]

Well I am doing better got some good news that no criminal charges were filed.  The DV order woke me up though.   Don't feel any pain just gonna move on with my life.  Ina strange way it had to come to this for me to finally realize that people who love you don't do things like this.  Unless of course your behavior warrants this.  I am going to explore why I keep choosing women with BPD traits in therapy.   I have some ideas and it seems my mother was the waif variety.   Her behavior was not as acute as my ex but the traits were there.  I know that any more time with her would have made things even worse.  Consider myself lucky to be out now.  I will spend time growing now.

[LilMissSunshine]

I am soo happy for you irishmarmot    Very relieved.  Now please, stay the he. away from her