Struggling today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Depression has hit (I'm bipolar) and I feel awful.  Thinking that this time last year I was planning our wedding and now he is married to someone else makes me feel numb with pain.  I don't understand why this has happened to me and I just can't get over this.

[Mazda]

Depression has hit (I'm bipolar) and I feel awful.  Thinking that this time last year I was planning our wedding and now he is married to someone else makes me feel numb with pain.  I don't understand why this has happened to me and I just can't get over this.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry to hear you're so down, Mazda. It doesn't seem fair and anybody would feel depressed in that situation. Please remember to let him own his crappy BS behavior, it's not anything to do with you.

What kind of things are you doing for yourself? Do you have a line up of effective coping strategies? What about meds to help your bipolar? Can you get a appointment with your psychiatrist if you feel like it's urgent?

[Mazda]

I'm sorry to hear you're so down, Mazda. It doesn't seem fair and anybody would feel depressed in that situation. Please remember to let him own his crappy BS behavior, it's not anything to do with you.

What kind of things are you doing for yourself? Do you have a line up of effective coping strategies? What about meds to help your bipolar? Can you get a appointment with your psychiatrist if you feel like it's urgent?

Learning curve, thank you for your response.  Things feel very dire today.  I'm ruminating non stop, woke up in the middle of the night thinking about all of this and it's all eating me up inside.  He won't own his own BS, he will just move to the next victim (and I'm sure she will leave him one day, as crazy as it sounds a psychic told me), and then he will move on without even a care in the world for the pain he has caused. 

It eats me up that I am struggling and only you guys understand.  Everyone else doesn't understand why I don't just let him rot but I want to see him suffer.  I want to watch as karma catches up with him.

I am on meds and have an excellent psych.  I'm not in danger of harming myself, I'm just in a great deal of pain

[maxen]

  mazda

yes we understand. we know what it's like and we've experienced it. keep that in mind: you're not alone.

you wrote something that goes to my experience in particular:

He won't own his own BS ... . he will move on without even a care in the world for the pain he has caused.

my w left in deceit. when i faced her with it she shrugged, and then said "i'm not proud of it!": as if i was hurting her by mentioning what she had done. no ownership, no concern that the one she exchanged vows with might have feelings about being lied to and deserted. it's a vicious, searing pain and knowing that she (in your case, he) has an actual personality disorder doesn't always suffice to ease our pain. it's rough, the people here are wonderful at helping each other through it. ride your feelings, stay in touch.

[Waifed]

Mazda,

I feel for you and know the pain and hurt that you are going through today.  It is debilitating and unfair.  It will pass.  It all will.  Hang in there and know that we are all here to help one another.

[Cimbaruns]

Mazda stay strong

Trying to make sense of anything they do depletes you of your energy and ability to move forward...

I totally understand where you are my friend... . I have been there myself more than once

I found that all the ruminating just made me feel that I was trying to control something that could never be controlled... . how can one control chaos... .

The horribly sad feelings, the what ifs, the trying to understand how and why they move on like they do just keeps you stuck in that place and hinders your ability to rise above it.

Those of us left behind will never understand the world in which they live and all the emotional turmoil that makes up their world

The ability to rise above it can be awfully difficult but you can do it... . one step... . and one day at a time

Do some little thing for yourself everyday... . it's about you now... . and that is something that you CAN control

Keep posting and the many friends here will support you with open arms and open hearts

[Free2Bee]

Hang in there, Mazda. It's really hard to go through something like this, but you have an ocean of support here. Try to find some time to do something kind for yourself. I find that any kind of healthy distraction is helpful when I'm having a rough day (I'm in the midst of one too). You're definitely not alone in this struggle.

Sending you hugs... .

[Pretty Woman]

Mazda,

   I am sorry you are feeling down today. I was too, earlier.  It's hard being discarded and esp for someone else.

But you have to know this is not your fault. It is within him, not you. Anyone who jumps into a marriage that quick is suspect and it's very doubtful he didn't carry that into his new relationship.

I wanted to marry my ex. I am actually wearing the ring today. Someone at work said, "Is there something we should know about?".

I haven't gotten it sized down to wear it on my right hand yet.

At first it hurt to look at it. Now it gives me hope. Someday, I will have one on my left hand from someone who loves me as much as I love them. I've already met someone who I can say anything and they don't cut me down or act like I'm stupid.

There is someone better out there for you. Don't envy this person. Feel sorry for them. You were the one that got away.

Literally.

[santa]

Keep your head up, mazda. This is the best thing that's ever happened to you. You just don't know it yet. Get yourself thinking about what you want in life and then go do it. That guy would have dragged you down as low as you could go if you'd have let him. Don't look at his new wife with envy. She just gave her life away.

[LilMissSunshine]

Mazda, I hope as the day has worn on your feeling better.  Ruminating gets me down all the time and it's not something I choose to do; I fight it.  My weapon of choice?  Coming to this board.  Stay with us.  Like many here, I promise it will get better   

[delusionalxox]

' Things feel very dire today.  I'm ruminating non stop, woke up in the middle of the night thinking about all of this and it's all eating me up inside.  He won't own his own BS, he will just move to the next victim (and I'm sure she will leave him one day, as crazy as it sounds a psychic told me), and then he will move on without even a care in the world for the pain he has caused. 

It eats me up that I am struggling and only you guys understand.  Everyone else doesn't understand why I don't just let him rot but I want to see him suffer.  I want to watch as karma catches up with him.'

Mazda, you spoke my own thoughts... . I also ruminated non stop (still am a lot of the time but it gets better), wanted to see him suffer, wanted somehow to force him to take responsibility for the cheating, abuse and exploitation he blamed on me.

It is all so unfair. I also suffer from my own mental health issues and this whole thing nearly destroyed me. It dragged on for months, but the 'major' split came in June when he moved in with someone else (lying and deceiving and blaming me all the way) and ignored my pregnancy.

I thought I would actually die at times, I felt I was swamped in evil. Pure indifference from the person I had stupidly believed was my soulmate. I loved and hated him, felt such a fool.

now I still feel a fool but the craving for him has died. I still feel urges for revenge. And life feels empty without the addictive pull of our drama-saturated relationship. But I will never see him again, I have chosen this. He recently sent me a furious, hateful email demanding (more) money from me. He is a silly raging little child. And I don't want him any more, but still  have to deal with my isolation and loneliness, depression and the sense of a waste of years of  my life.

Please PM me if you want to offload I will be here. xx

[Mazda]

Hi all,

The day is over and heading to the gym helped lift my spirits.  I don't envy his new wife, on the contrary, she is an exceptionally nice person and I pity her for being in this situation.  I only hope she gets out soon.  For him though, after knowing that he needs help, he then goes on to marry someone and ruin their future, I hope he pays.  So selfish.  I can't believe I ever fell in love with such a hideous creature.