How Did You Find Out About BPD?

[emotionaholic]

After 3 years and more breakups than I can count.  And after the only one I initiated I went and saw the T we had been seeing and she let it slip.  I believe her words were "Well that's what happens with a person with borderline personality distorter."  The word borderline though me off thinking that the T was saying she might have a personality distorter.  Then a few days later I looked it up and WOW! there it all was my last 3 years spelled out perfectly.  I did do a lot of reading for a few weeks and gave it another try but that only lasted 2 weeks.  Its now been 7 months NC and had I not learned about BPD I would have tried again and again like I had been.  One day I am going to make myself a T shirt that says  "Sometimes I do Dumb Things"

[charred]

and I was devastated... . moved away to avoid killing someone.

…maybe it’s this beer...   but that was my first belly laugh of this thread… and who can’t relate...

I spent years thinking how different my life would be if only I had her back... . (goes to show you - be careful what you ask for... . you may get it.)

[Inside]

a  common theme with a few of us here seems to be being "forced"  to go into counseling or therapy. extreme gaslighting at its best,  no?

Yes ~  my xBPDgf was on her best ‘transparent high-functioning’ behavior as we sat discussing ‘my problems.’  The only thing that tweaked our counselor's ear was her having taken ‘anger management’ classes... .   But what a waste of time those six sessions were (paid for by my employee assistance fund)… I’d actually discovered the BPD myself around session 4 but felt it was far too deep and dangerous a subject to bring up in that limited venue.  I can hardly believe the counselor’s last words: “Don’t forget to invite me to your wedding!”  

[goldylamont]

just over a year after my exgf moved out, her roomate (the girl she had moved in with) called me up and wanted to talk. we ended up talking on the phone for like 90 minutes and she described all kinds of terrible treatment she got from my ex (not to mention a few lies she had told about me). in our second discussion the roommate and i connected on the fact that my ex would project onto us things that she would do, or ways that she was. a year previous my ex told me that i was a narcissist and that i didn't care about anybody but myself; and this kind of messed me up for a week or so until i had some good conversations with friends of mine who laughed at the idea (i was too embarrassed to tell them why i asked).

anyways, after talking to the roomy about projection the accusation of being a narcissist popped in my head, and i thought "is my ex a narcissist since she accused me of being one?" i did a google search but it didn't really fit... . then i read a comment somebody left somewhere that mentioned BPD and it fit like oj's glove didn't 

[irishmarmot]

About a month into the relationship, I said to myself, this woman has BPD.  Looked up the DSM IV symptoms.   Bingo!

[arn131arn]

just over a year after my exgf moved out, her roomate (the girl she had moved in with) called me up and wanted to talk. we ended up talking on the phone for like 90 minutes and she described all kinds of terrible treatment she got from my ex (not to mention a few lies she had told about me). in our second discussion the roommate and i connected on the fact that my ex would project onto us things that she would do, or ways that she was. a year previous my ex told me that i was a narcissist and that i didn't care about anybody but myself; and this kind of messed me up for a week or so until i had some good conversations with friends of mine who laughed at the idea (i was too embarrassed to tell them why i asked).

anyways, after talking to the roomy about projection the accusation of being a narcissist popped in my head, and i thought "is my ex a narcissist since she accused me of being one?" i did a google search but it didn't really fit... . then i read a comment somebody left somewhere that mentioned BPD and it fit like oj's glove didn't 

So Goldy, NPD and BPD go together like oil and water, huh?

[Love Is Not Enough]

Love is not enough

I didn't take it seriously neither but when I read a lot about it I realised that it must be serious I moved out since 7 weeks ago but I still shake every night when I think about how serious this is and how my mental health was at risk all these years!

I am glad that you have escaped. Good luck on your SHINY HAPPY NEW life!   

[Moonie75]

After the 2nd break up freshly discarded, I Googled 'multiple relationship break ups'.

Within 5 or ten minutes of 'skim reading' I hit the jack pot!

[Tincup]

After the first or second breakup out of the blue and her EXTREME passive aggressiveness I googled what I had experienced and boom.  Then I read about the illness.  When I got a chance to talk to her again we went down the road about therapy because at the time I thought I needed it because I thought I was losing my mind.  I asked if she had ever been and she said yes but she quit because she wasn't getting what she needed out of it and would rather deal on her own... . So many darn red flags I ignored.  the more posts I reply to the more red flags I see.

[maxen]

her EXTREME passive aggressiveness

ohhhhhhhhh maaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[allweareisallweare]

I knew when she told me she had been diagnosed.   Obv. sometimes I look back and think two things: A) It was always going to end badly, madly and sadly B) Why didn't I just get away when she said those words: ":)iagnosed as Borderline."? Because this was years before she ... . engineered a break up (she claimed it was me ) and then was with someone else ten days later. I made the classic choices - I don't use the word mistake - of holding on, trying to fight what is ultimately with my hands tied behind my back. BUT this big colossal tragedy of BPD may have been too big for the rel. but it won't beat me, can't see that, it's over now time to be shiny-happy. Small doses.

Some would have just left as a result of the behavior anyway. Wow, we're the introspective ones on this board who care about the disease and the implications and the making sense,  because knowing about BPD, it is the only way of rationalizing; it is the only sense-maker. We're fogged up, yet there's sunlight bleeding through - they were mentally ill, 'simple,' we loved them yet they could never return such gifts. Our expectation that we should give and receive; invest and then be rewarded, wasn't the issue.

To find out and interact with BPD (via experiences on the board) is a blessing.

[hergestridge]

The #1 reason my wife wasn't diagnosed earlier was that so much of the BPD symtoms have to do with inter-personal relations. And when you bring those problems up, both the patient and the doctor/therapist tends to put that aside as external problems, communication problems, family issues etc, better dealt with through couples counceling or "talks" late night at home.

There's a school that says relational problems don't belong in psychiatry, and therefore such things will have to be "mended", and if there are issues left after that, then those are the "real" ones.

My wife has had depression, GAD, ADHD and bipolar type 2. For a while, a therapist even seemed to suggest that she was the victim of a controlling husband (me!).

Had I gone to the psychiatrist at that time (I problaby should!) then the diagnosis would propably have been "depressed man bullied by undiagnosed borderline wife".

How many of us here have at some point been the problem?

For my wife, accepting the BPD diagnosis also means accepting that years of ___ she threw at me, her parents, her brother (and propably a bunch of other people) when the "itch" began was nothing to do with anything we had ever done or said. It was all to do with her and her disorder. It's been a total mind___!

There's been times when we've just barely been able to put up with her because she's such a dark cloud hovering over our lives, and then she comes home from a therapy session having discussed with the T how to put up boundaries against all us - the people she threats, manipulates and uses as doormats.

 

[shikai]

I knew there had to be a name for whatever mental illness my wife had. She could act so bizarre and intense, and be abusive in such a sneaky way I would often not realize it until much later on - if at all. I walked on eggshells and had withdrawn myself from just about everything to keep the peace. I knew she had some major problem. I searched for months and came up empty handed.

Then one day when she was blocking me from walking away during one of her rages, she looked at me with eyes that could kill and said in a creepy voice "I WON'T be ignored, Shikai."

MAJOR EPIPHANY. MAJOR PANIC. It was the same line, said in the same way, as the Glen Close character in "Fatal Attraction." Everything I had experienced came rushing back into my mind. She was so much like that character! I googled "fatal attraction character mental illness" and there it was. BPD. I watched the movie again (hadn't seen it in 20+ years) and I was beside myself. I was certain it was the same thing.

After researching BPD, I carefully planned how to bring it up with her in a gentle way and encourage her to consider DBT therapy. It actually went well and she was receptive at first. She told me her previous girlfriend, a psychotherapist, diagnosed her years ago but she wouldn't believe it.

I researched dbt therapists in our area and gave her several names I thought could be effective for her. Four months later she still hasn't gone to therapy. She says that's my fault. Well, of course! Who else's fault could it be? There are only two people here and one of them is perfect.

To her credit, she did read some books, attend a NAMI group a couple of times, and wrote an essay about it. But her behavior is still appalling and I'm planning my exit. Any time I second guess myself I should watch a clip from Fatal Attraction. Just thinking about it brings back that sick feeling I had during my epiphany. Maybe I can use that to strengthen my resolve when I'm feeling weak.

I have to get out of here before she boils my dog.

(Do you sense some bitterness? LOL)

[phantom17]

During our relationship, i googled "girlfriend doesn't want me to have friends" - "jeaoulous girlfriend" and other similar terms... . info I found slightly scratched the surface... . but I never found the answer I was looking for.

After we broke up the final time and she jumped straight into a new relationship, I began digging deeper and found the waif article on ... .

It was if it was the manuscript of the past 3 years of my life punched me in the face... . that's when I found the answer and began learning more and more about it... .

After about 2 wks of research I scheduled an appointment with a therapist who confirmed BPD in her, because I was still questioning my sanity.

Spent the next 2 months or so learning more about it, etc. It helped me get over the feeling of being weak minded... .

2 weeks ago exBPD got hitched just 6 months after our breakup... . it brought up old wounds and really stressed me out... . fortunately it only lasted a week, though... .

And quite honestly, I rarely even dream about her except when I spend excessive amts of time reading through this board... .

But, regardless, I keep coming back to keep my sanity in check ha ha...

[fromheeltoheal]

I called my ex a 'psycho' once and the look on her face told me she'd been called that before, so I Googled 'psychotic', didn't really know what it meant, turns our she's not psychotic, but more internet digging from there led me to BPD, and tada!  Fits like a glove.

Google, making amateur shrinks of us all... .

[Perfidy]

I learned about BPD from living with a diagnosed borderline. So when she told me about her disorder I didn't really believe her. I thought she was just using it as an excuse to be a goofy bit€h. The meds. She was on antidepressants. She smoked meth. She took other pills. I dismissed most of her goofy behavior to the drugs. I forgot about her telling me her diagnosis. She told me so much about how disordered she was. She rattled off a number of disorders she said she was diagnosed with Borderline, OCD, the thing with the hands... . I forget... . where you get obsessed with touch sensations. She called it a string fetish. So like I said earlier, I dismissed the mental illness as drug addiction. I didn't google. Maybe I should have. Any way I didn't even want a relationship with her. I was only going to have a fling with her because I was fresh out of another relationship that ended with me leaving and on good terms. I sat down with her predecessor and explained why I was leaving and then packed my stuff and left. No overlap. No cheating. No big bhitfight. The next almost eight years was my education in borderline.

[Mutt]

I'm adopted. I started searching for my mother a year before I met uBPDex. She biological mother works in a hospital for kids with mental illness / disabilities. She deals with borderline mothers.

My mother didn't mention anything during the r/s and marriage but during the last year or so when my spouse was really acting out, she would hint at certain things "she's impulsive, things move fast for both of you, there's a lot of drama"

About a month after the ex fled, I told my mom there is something really wrong with her. There's no sympathy, emapthy, closure and the way that she just vanished after an 8 year r/s and threw herself at the new object, she then said "yes, uBPD ex is a Borderline Personality Disorder".

My mom did not mention this during the r/s in fear of losing me. I was 31 when I met my mom and uBPDex. She let the r/s run it's course and told me after. I'm glad that she pointed me in the right direction because it would have been much harder to deal with the attachment without knowing my involvelment in the enmeshment in the first place.