Hi Ycul,
For the time being I am staying and trying to work on/manage my relationship with my uBPDbf. I have been reading some of the lessons and definitely believe that I am a co-dependent in some ways. He frequently uses me "not being there... . " as an excuse/reason. For example, if I run errands after work (grocery shopping, etc.) or if I schedule a hair or nail appointment. It is as if I am expected to be at his beckon call, yet he doesn't engage with me or does his own thing for an hour or 2. There have been multiple times he has run an errand after work, been home late, gone out on a Friday and not informed me at all. When I have asked what's wrong, I get the "you aren't ever here... . " which is a load of BS.
1. How do you stop being the co-dependent?
2. When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .
3. Or if I have done things at my family or friends request, then I am told I am "Weak" and can't make my own decisions.
the way you describe it it sounds like he is asking you to justify yourself when not reachable. And vice versa you ask him to justify when he is not reachable. Of course partners need to do stuff independently and also have some rights for privacy. Where exactly the line is depends on the relationship and of course there should be some degree of symmetry. As with all boundaries in a grey continuum it is especially hard to pin them down and avoid them being shifted at will of the more expansive partner.
2. When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .
Validation: "I'm strong and independent. It may take time to get used to it." or "Jealous?" or "I sometimes put my interests first. As I sometimes put yours or out common interests first".
Taking a stronger, independent position in the relationship will trigger conflicts that need to be worked through. Owning up to your interests is part of it - as will be validating his loss of control.
