I am re-introducing myself

[PaulaJeanne]

I joined this group a few months ago after my dBPDd(20) fell into a bad spell. But now that I've been on here a while, I recognize my husband has so many traits. He's being treated for OCD, but I've been walking on eggshells for nearly 40 years.

We met in high school & started dating when I was 14. I broke up with him for about 6 months at age 18 or 19, & he still brings that up sometimes. He never got over that.

We have 3 daughters, 29, 26 & 20. The dBPD20 is his favorite & they both know it.

In 2004 my oldest daughter was away at college, & I took the other two & left him for a year. I did this after he spit in my oldest daughter's face, and told my middle one she was dead to him. It was one thing for me to endure his irrational rages; quite another to see our children subjected to it.

We had a year of therapy, separately & together. He came to realize and actually change some things. I love him & want this to work, but he drives me crazy. He's hypersensitive and is personally effronted by a lot of things that have nothing to do with him. If we're on the road & someone honks a horn, he assumes it's being honked at us. He's very bothered by the fact that some people in his family seem (in his mind) to like me better than they like him. He's put out & annoyed when I do nice things for someone--why don't I do nice things for him (like hold down a full time job while he's retired, AND cook all his meals, AND do his laundry... . those things don't count). He's very lazy. If I ask him to unload the dishwasher, he'll just pile all the dishes into the dishdrain "to dry". When I get home from work, he'll list all the things he did today... . "I took a walk, then I unloaded all the glasses, then I unloaded all the knives, then I unloaded all the forks... . " He's very hurt that I don't appreciate all that effort.

The man who hasn't gotten over our teenage breakup nearly 40 years ago will never get over my leaving him ten years ago. He starts many conversations with "When you left me... . "

The rages aren't as scary or hurtful as they used to be, but they're still ridiculous. We have a joke in our family from years ago when the kids were all still home called "The Grape Nuts Incident". One day there was a box of Grape Nuts in our pantry. I didn't buy it & had no idea how it got there. He insisted I bought it & was denying it just to make him mad. He raged about it for days, brought all our children into it, interrogating them about what they knew about the Grape Nuts & when they first saw them. He was quite sure all three of them were in on the conspiracy.  Eventually it turned out that his mother had come over to babysit, & brought them. She must have gotten them on sale & thought we could use them.

I realize that if I ignore one of his rages, ten minutes later he'll be over it & telling me what he ate for lunch. He gets upset if I don't express approval... . but really, who cares what he ate for lunch? I don't even care what I ate for lunch.

I relate to so many things I see on this board, I have to join it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Welcome back PaulaJeanne

Good to get all that off your chest isn't it.

You do need a sense of humor at the ridiculous at times.

My partner was misdiagnosed as OCD for many years before I finally worked it out as BPD, then finally having it diagnosed.

We have to learn more to live with it rather than drive ourselves nuts trying to fix it, or even to understand it completely.

It is good that you did take action to protect your daughters when you did. They will remember and learn from that.

I too have to deal with the overselling of my partners minimal efforts at domestic contributions. It is hard to understand just how big a deal unloading a dishwasher can be.

Are there any particular aspects you are struggling with at the moment that you would like to discuss?

[PaulaJeanne]

Thank you, waverider, for reading all that.

My biggest struggle right now is enforcing my boundaries. I want to do some of the workshops, but unfortunately at my office the videos are blocked. My husband is "retired"-always home & wants me by his side when I'm home, so I can't really do anything on the computer when I'm home. I'm going to try to get up early this weekend & view some before he wakes up.

We are locked in an epic battle about dogs. When we separated in 2004, we had a young golden retriever who stayed at the house with my husband. I took the kids & moved to an apartment nearby for one year. While I was gone, he adopted another dog, a lab-shepherd mix. She was sweet but totally out of control. My husband enjoyed the ensuing chaos.

After I returned I worked hard to set some boundaries, and had a gate put at the bottom of the stairs so the dogs couldn't come up where the bedrooms are. The mix had done serious damage to furniture, clothing, shoes, my daughter's orthotics & her retainer.

My husband decided to sleep downstairs on the den sofa because the mix got very upset when she was separated from him.

At age seven, the mix got cancer & died. Right after that we moved to a different house. My husband insisted that when he "took me back", I agreed we would always have two dogs. I don't remember this, but I reluctantly agreed to a rescue & I kind of steamrolled it forward so we ended up with a 23 pound  young adult dog, who I adore, but also who is small enough that I can control her.

The golden is 14 years old, and my husband is bringing it up almost daily that he wants a third dog... . another lab-shepherd mix. He talks about this constantly. I have told him I don't want another dog but when the golden passes away I will, reluctantly, compromise with another smaller dog. I'm nearly 60 years old & I cannot have an undisciplined dog that is stronger than I am. My husband is adament that he needs a BIG dog. Training is out because my husband will absolutely undermine any training.

My husband still sleeps in the guest room (his man cave) downstairs with the dogs, because the golden can't really make it up & down the stairs. The dogs are really very little trouble, but my husband encourages bad behavior in a multitude of ways. I guess because the golden is too old to give me a lot of grief, and the rescue is too small, there's not enough chaos to suit my husband.

So that's my current struggle.