Board Challenge (No Contact Game)

[santa]

I know a lot of us are in no contact right now. I've got a pretty good stretch of it going. I think it's really helping me. I'd like to invite everyone already in no contact and anyone else who hasn't started yet, but thinks they'd like to try it to play the No Contact Game.

I absolutely recommend it to anyone not yet in no contact. It's a breath of fresh air.

So, here are the RULES OF THE GAME:

1. Everyone starts with a clean slate

2. When you break no contact, you have to post the circumstances that caused you to break no contact and the reaction to and fallout from your communication

3. A "contact" shall consist of:

    a) Any phone call dialed or received or listening to a voicemail they leave you

    b) Any email sent by you or any reading of an email they send you

    c) Any facebook or social media contact, checking their status or profile, keeping up with them, etc.

    d) Asking anyone anything about them, which includes friends, family, etc.

    e) Any other conceivable way for you to interact with them or know anything at all about their life

The prize for winning is the peace of mind that you will receive from not having any contact with them. The price of losing is whatever wrath you receive from your ex.

This game will be played using the honor system.

Good luck, everyone.

[arn131arn]

I got 3:1 on you, santa... . I'm down!

[santa]

I got 3:1 on you, santa... . I'm down!

Hopefully there will be more than one winner. 

[Ironmanrises]

So you mean no contact as of today? Or does NC already in progress from before and in continuous action presently count?

[Dog biscuit]

I"m in!

Such a marveluos game!  ;-)

Been six weeks NC now, and not about to break it. It is the only power/ controle I have to protect myself and to make sure that the pain, drama and confusion stay at a minimum.

The prize to pay is dealing with isolation and the build up anger and hurt by myself. But I can controle if I will let myself get hurt again or not, not the exBPDbf.

I have control now!

Blocked him on FB, phone and mail. Withdrew from my social circle were there are mutual friends, and speak about the hurt and bewilderment of the aftermath, only with my T and some friends that dont know my ex.

I ignore every attempt of him to make contact or to provoce me. I surpress the urge to snoop around on his profile or things he has written on social media sites about the breakup.

I dont react to the mails he sends me from another adress, they are filled with hatred and hurtfull stuff. I dont read them ( i read one, and that was more than enough to know that there will be nothing substancial in the other 14 mails) and file them as evidence.

NC is the only thing I have, and I hang on it very tightly. I have the control now.

So Game on!

[santa]

So you mean no contact as of today? Or does NC already in progress from before and in continuous action presently count?

The longer the better. I don't want anyone who decides to start now to feel like they're behind though. For the purposes of the game, it starts now. If you've got a good run going, by all means stay with it.

[Ironmanrises]

Ok. Count me in. 

[Perfidy]

I got this. I don't bother her and she don't bother me. Last time she tried was in November around turkey day. Still have a little depression but even that is starting to go away.

[myself]

She chased me in a nightmare, does that count?

[RecycledNoMore]

Sweetaz

Lets get it onnnnnnn!

[Ironmanrises]

She chased me in a nightmare, does that count?

 I will assume subconscious contact in the dream world does not.

[Inside]

(I hate games )  

Those are some pretty stringent rules…  Mainly, my xBPDgf owes me money…  it’s more ‘the principle’ (if not literally) than the amount …but already feeling used, I’d like it back.  But since impulsive behavior keeps her broke, though a great job, she’s used small payments as a way of maintaining contact…  And it’s worked  

I’ve not received another check & ‘I miss you note’ by mail, but expect one any day.  A week or so ago I reluctantly opened an email …but it was from her work account, linking me to a financial opportunity program I’d not have known of … and though I didn’t respond, it appears I’ve already blown two months of (proud) NC…  

But we’ve a group of mutual friends at which she was in the mix 3 weeks ago and I refused to come close to making eye contact (Bonus points? )  …this is gonna be tuff… which is likely why I’ve been recycled seven times!

[sirensong65]

Hey, I'm down for this.  Even though I am now starting at ZERO cause he engaged me yesterday.  I'm hoping THIS TIME I go this! 

[maxen]

me too!

[Kallor74]

I'm in it to win it!  And by it I mean my sanity.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey, I'm down for this.  Even though I am now starting at ZERO cause he engaged me yesterday.  I'm hoping THIS TIME I go this! 

*hangs head in shame*      I too am starting from zero, the X made contact yesterday and being the polite southern princess that I am, I responded, 

Until a couple weeks ago, NC was really starting to produce good results!

CiF

[DreamGirl]

This isn't a new challenge by any means. Members have certainly been down this road starting a thread and asking everyone to chime in to stay strong. It's great when we can support each other and lift each other up. I just don't know that this is a healthy way?

It's not really a game is it? There are serious relationship losses involved in this.  

"Winning" in this isn't who can go the longest without being in contact with their ex. "Winning" is working thru the healing process and getting yourself to a place where you have the ability to let go of all the hurt. The anger.

No contact is about giving yourself the space to do that without the complications that the other person brings. No more arguing, no more recycling the relationship. It's about a gift to yourself - the space to move thru these stages of grief that comes with any relationship loss.  

And what about the members who have children?

How does that help the kiddos to have their parent not speaking to the other parent?

[santa]

This isn't a new challenge by any means. Members have certainly been down this road starting a thread and asking everyone to chime in to stay strong. It's great when we can support each other and lift each other up. I just don't know that this is a healthy way?

It's not really a game is it? There are serious relationship losses involved in this.  

"Winning" in this isn't who can go the longest without being in contact with their ex. "Winning" is working thru the healing process and getting yourself to a place where you have the ability to let go of all the hurt. The anger.

No contact is about giving yourself the space to do that without the complications that the other person brings. No more arguing, no more recycling the relationship. It's about a gift to yourself - the space to move thru these stages of grief that comes with any relationship loss.  

And what about the members who have children?

How does that help the kiddos to have their parent not speaking to the other parent?

It certainly is a game. 

Members with children have all the more reason to do no contact. Our lives aren't going to get any better if we keep getting all emotional by dealing with our exes. Running ourselves into the ground isn't helping our children. We've got to pull ourselves together. That's not going to happen talking to our exes.

The longer we stay no contact, the better off we'll be. Any motivation to stay no contact is good.

[santa]

Hey, I'm down for this.  Even though I am now starting at ZERO cause he engaged me yesterday.  I'm hoping THIS TIME I go this! 

Nothing wrong with starting at zero. The game just started. Lets see how long we can keep it going.

[winston72]

As an ex-athlete... . hmm, maybe vintage athlete, can I play for the Cy Old award? 

My life was shaped by competition, teams, camaraderie, sacrifice for the common good, effort on behalf of a common goal... . go, fight, win!  And it served me well in many capacities.  This thread taps into that part of me.

No contact for me started out as a survival strategy, just to get out of the fight and lick my wounds... . until I could go back and fight some more!  Go, team!  Nobody was going to defeat me!  Oops, that competitive streak led me a bit astray.  Then I used it as a tool to hurt her... . denial of affection!  Yeah, take that!  Oops, that just kept me connected to her.  It was like holding my breath waiting to see her reaction and hurt.  My competitive streak took me a bit off target on this one. 

The one competition I did not initially identify was to focus on my health and my inner self.  Even as I type this, I am so oriented toward external goals and someone to beat!  Aarrgh.  That quiet, long term inner renewal is hard to come by for me!  It is the ultimate point and by-product of stepping away from conflicts that have no reasonable chance of resolution... . how about that for a long winded explanation of no contact

As I reflect on this post, all the urges to compete and win which are within me did lead me to set up some boundaries and start to declare my own rights and dignity and acknowledge my pain and state what is right and wrong in my behavior and hers... . so suiting up and crossing the lines into a competition for my own health was a good starting place for me.

As DreamGirl said, it is not a game and our own health is the ultimate victory... . and this is true and we all know it... . but I must say that my competitive orientation to life has been a part of my recovery here... . even as it was a part of my detours into pain.

Santa, you are in a high conflict situation with your ex that I cannot imagine.  Your day to day rhythms and demands are different than mine were.  At this time, it is a battle for you, and a really complex one.  I am with you and on your team as are so many others.  When I read your posts, I want to jump in with you.  And I also want to learn how to be a good teammate to help us all get through the fight to a place of stability and wholeness and peace. 

[strikeforce]

Im on 6 weeks NC at the moment but Im in 

[santa]

As an ex-athlete... . hmm, maybe vintage athlete, can I play for the Cy Old award? 

My life was shaped by competition, teams, camaraderie, sacrifice for the common good, effort on behalf of a common goal... . go, fight, win!  And it served me well in many capacities.  This thread taps into that part of me.

No contact for me started out as a survival strategy, just to get out of the fight and lick my wounds... . until I could go back and fight some more!  Go, team!  Nobody was going to defeat me!  Oops, that competitive streak led me a bit astray.  Then I used it as a tool to hurt her... . denial of affection!  Yeah, take that!  Oops, that just kept me connected to her.  It was like holding my breath waiting to see her reaction and hurt.  My competitive streak took me a bit off target on this one. 

The one competition I did not initially identify was to focus on my health and my inner self.  Even as I type this, I am so oriented toward external goals and someone to beat!  Aarrgh.  That quiet, long term inner renewal is hard to come by for me!  It is the ultimate point and by-product of stepping away from conflicts that have no reasonable chance of resolution... . how about that for a long winded explanation of no contact

As I reflect on this post, all the urges to compete and win which are within me did lead me to set up some boundaries and start to declare my own rights and dignity and acknowledge my pain and state what is right and wrong in my behavior and hers... . so suiting up and crossing the lines into a competition for my own health was a good starting place for me.

As DreamGirl said, it is not a game and our own health is the ultimate victory... . and this is true and we all know it... . but I must say that my competitive orientation to life has been a part of my recovery here... . even as it was a part of my detours into pain.

Santa, you are in a high conflict situation with your ex that I cannot imagine.  Your day to day rhythms and demands are different than mine were.  At this time, it is a battle for you, and a really complex one.  I am with you and on your team as are so many others.  When I read your posts, I want to jump in with you.  And I also want to learn how to be a good teammate to help us all get through the fight to a place of stability and wholeness and peace. 

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Camaradarie is important to me too. I think it's easier to get through difficult times when you've got people fighting the same thing along with you. We've all got the same common goal here. A little motivation to push each other never hurts.

I'm glad you're participating, Winston. You're a really good dude.

[DreamGirl]

OK. No contact game. Call it what you will.  

I also agree that some space can absolutely be beneficial as you pull yourself together.

I'm going to have to challenge your thoughts a little bit here though, santa, when it comes to your views when it comes to the kiddos.

According to the research Susan Blyth Boyan, MED, LMFT and Ann Marie Termini MS, LPC found in our PDF: Is it Worth Giving Up Anger and Blame To Give your Child a Better Chance at Happiness and Success in Life?

In divorces where the parents exhibit intense hostility towards one another, the parents themselves are upset and out-of-control. They exhibit their own fears, anxieties, and anger.

This is terribly unsettling to the child. If the parent acts like a child in managing their emotions and appears to require protection themselves, who will protect the child from all those dangers? Who will soothe comfort and help her learn to handle her own anxieties? Who will provide the security net against real and imagined monsters if the parent is in need of protection too?

When neither parent can provide that function, the child is laid open to extreme levels of anxiety and doubt. She can no longer count on a firm foundation usually found in her birth family. It's hard for her to build her own confidence on a foundation of quicksand.

santa, I know you love your little girl very much and this whole situation has been devastating to you. It's not fair what her Mama did when she just upped and left.  

It really does need to stop being about you and her mom. Not talking to her about the dead relationship is good and that is a really good boundary to have. Taking a time out is good while the emotions are so raw. See it for what it is though. This hating her and refusing to speak to her forever? That will trickle down to your daughter.  

It's about her now and what is going to be the best for her. Be on her team.

[santa]

OK. No contact game. Call it what you will.  

I also agree that some space can absolutely be beneficial as you pull yourself together.

I'm going to have to challenge your thoughts a little bit here though, santa, when it comes to your views when it comes to the kiddos.

According to the research Susan Blyth Boyan, MED, LMFT and Ann Marie Termini MS, LPC found in our PDF: Is it Worth Giving Up Anger and Blame To Give your Child a Better Chance at Happiness and Success in Life?

In divorces where the parents exhibit intense hostility towards one another, the parents themselves are upset and out-of-control. They exhibit their own fears, anxieties, and anger.

This is terribly unsettling to the child. If the parent acts like a child in managing their emotions and appears to require protection themselves, who will protect the child from all those dangers? Who will soothe comfort and help her learn to handle her own anxieties? Who will provide the security net against real and imagined monsters if the parent is in need of protection too?

When neither parent can provide that function, the child is laid open to extreme levels of anxiety and doubt. She can no longer count on a firm foundation usually found in her birth family. It's hard for her to build her own confidence on a foundation of quicksand.

santa, I know you love your little girl very much and this whole situation has been devastating to you. It's not fair what her Mama did when she just upped and left.  

It really does need to stop being about you and her mom. Not talking to her about the dead relationship is good and that is a really good boundary to have. Taking a time out is good while the emotions are so raw. See it for what it is though. This hating her and refusing to speak to her forever? That will trickle down to your daughter.  

It's about her now and what is going to be the best for her. Be on her team.

I appreciate what you said. I definitely don't plan on not speaking to my daughter forever. I just feel like I'm not making any progress by getting pulled back into the emotions of it everyday. I tried it that way for 5 months and it wasn't working. I had to do something else and this is really making me feel better.

My plan right now is to try this for awhile and see if it helps me. If it doesn't, I'll stop doing it. I feel great about it now though.

[DreamGirl]

I appreciate what you said. I definitely don't plan on not speaking to my daughter forever. I just feel like I'm not making any progress by getting pulled back into the emotions of it everyday. I tried it that way for 5 months and it wasn't working. I had to do something else and this is really making me feel better.

My plan right now is to try this for awhile and see if it helps me. If it doesn't, I'll stop doing it. I feel great about it now though.

I think you're on the right track - definitely. Five months of arguing would be exhausting and someone has to be the grown up. I also totally understand needing your friends to help you not want to engage in some of the nonsense that can go on during these breakups.

Not sure if this would be helpful to you but Deanna Stacer, PhD from the High Conflict Institute recommends a certain kind of strategy to help reduce the conflict in these post-divorce coparenting relationships. A similar idealogy was recommended by my therapist when my exH and I could not get on the same page during our divorce. We were arguing on the phone and during exchanges. I used my mom as a neutral third party to pass on communication and changed the pickup/drop off at their daycare. I didn't answer the phone when he called and only responded when the voice mail was regarding the kiddos.

My husband and his ex (who is dBPD) used it for the first year and a half after their divorce. They actually didn't email each other, instead used a notebook to write to each other:

From the PDF by Stacer: How to Ex Communicate

To significantly reduce or entirely eliminate the anxiety for all of the family the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents. Even if a parent believes that there may be no reason to expect tension between the parents, the rules are designed to eliminate potential problems. The rules are as follows:

Number one: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents (including telephone contact).

Number two: All communication should be done in writing, using a memo format to communicate.

Check it out. It might help your situation.  

[Dog biscuit]

It's not really a game is it? There are serious relationship losses involved in this.  

"Winning" in this isn't who can go the longest without being in contact with their ex. "Winning" is working thru the healing process and getting yourself to a place where you have the ability to let go of all the hurt. The anger.

No contact is about giving yourself the space to do that without the complications that the other person brings. No more arguing, no more recycling the relationship. It's about a gift to yourself - the space to move thru these stages of grief that comes with any relationship loss.  

To me the No Contact game is just about what you wrote Dreamgirl!

It is not about winning in competition with the BPD, because there is nothing left to win. The No Contact is for me to heal, to win myself back,  to orientate, to pick up the pieces and allowe myself to feel hurt and vulnerable in a quite place within myself, without getting caught up in BPD dynamics.

I suspect this motivation is true for more people that are in this "game", or at least I hope it is... .

Fortunatly, I dont have any kids with my exBPDbf, I wouldnt know how to handle staying in contact and protect yourseld at the same time, it must be really hard.

[RecycledNoMore]

Um is there a reset button on this thing, woke up to 5 missed calls...

[santa]

Um is there a reset button on this thing, woke up to 5 missed calls...

As long as you didn't call back and didn't listen to any voicemails, you're good.  

[Pearl55]

I can't be in no contact because my son is only 7 and lives with my ex. My son's birthday is next week so I will see my ex for more than 3 hours. He's dead for me and I never existed in his life. I detached myself for the last 3 hours I think that's why is much easier now. I look at him as a sick man, that's all!

I agree with you Santa, this is their games! Everything was sick games! Cunning actors and actresses.

[strikeforce]

The way I look at it is simply the truth of the matter:

She was mentally ill, severely mentally ill and there was nothing I could have done to fix it.

I feel no anger or hatred, I feel sorry for her and I move on.