Keeping tabs

[Depression = 72% of members]

Santa's thread got me wondering. I have lost track of the pwBPD that was in my life for so many years. I have no reason to speak with her or contact her. It's been almost ten months since the initial shock. I haven't had any contact since July or August of last year. I am healing.

Would anyone who reads this please say if you keep track of the ex and why? I understand if children are involved. Contractural relationships I can understand also. Barring those reasons why would you keep tabs?

[Perfidy]

Santa's thread got me wondering. I have lost track of the pwBPD that was in my life for so many years. I have no reason to speak with her or contact her. It's been almost ten months since the initial shock. I haven't had any contact since July or August of last year. I am healing.

Would anyone who reads this please say if you keep track of the ex and why? I understand if children are involved. Contractural relationships I can understand also. Barring those reasons why would you keep tabs?

[Ironmanrises]

I haven't heard anything directly from my exUBPDgf in 6+ months since she left me for the second time. I haven't attempted to look or track her whereabouts at all(the thoughts have appeared but I have quelled them). From my perspective, it would be the lack of closure. For me, that is what stirs those thoughts of wanting to find out, search, etc. I would guess it wouldn't be any different for many of the members on here too.

[Inside]

I’ve not done near a good enough job of staying away, but prior contact has generally been initiated by her, and I’ve bitten…

Though we’ve not communicated for two months, our ‘record’ having been three, I must admit having checked up on her in a strange way…  She has a son as messed up as herself, I’d actually like to know if he eventually exhibits full-blown BPD…  He’s the same age as a daughter of mine and always a source of embarrassment to my xuBPDgf.  Before our last split she’d mentioned him posting some weird stuff online, so I searched him and have been reading his Twitter feeds.  Sick ~  And another reason to keep some serious distance from her.  But other than following his recent ‘holiday visit’ home, though living in another state with his dad, I’ve not searched or asked (among friends) anything about her…

Just last night I deleted her and her mother’s numbers from my phone … I really hadn’t thought about it though never expect to call or text either again.  It’s all so tough, having once taken ours as a real and healthy relationship … though unknowingly having wasted my time, energy and love on someone incapable of appreciating or reciprocating... .  

I’m not much into Facebook and though my account’s pretty tight, as is hers I believe, I’ve no plans to follow or attempt to follow her posts.  In the past, they’ve made me sick …as in instantly trolling for another, or prior victim…  So damn painful … though checking in ‘here’ reminds me I’m in good company.  Let’s keep it that way!

[Tolou]

The last time I had contact with her was in July-2013. I informed her that I will not speak with her anymore or have any contact with her because it was just too damaging for my mental health, and I work with this person!

But I have stayed true, not one word to her since July, it is difficult but I think it is for whats best.  I have no idea what she does or if she's seeing someone and just try to wish her well because I never want to go threw that again... .

[Octoberfest]

A hard question for me perfidy... . But one that needs asking. I have not had any contact with my BPDex since July 2013, when I finally blocked her number. By the way, I paid an extra fee so that it is blocked BOTH ways. I couldn't contact her unless I went and talked to the phone company and had it undone.

I have no children with my BPDex

We were never married

There is no unfinished business between us in the way of financial or legal obligations

But... .

I have continued to keep tabs on her.

Initially it was to try and establish a pattern in her behavior, to see that the cheating and the lying I experienced didn't go away went I went away.  Sure enough, she was dating two guys at once and engaged to one of them within 2 months of knowing him. Now? She isn't engaged to that guy anymore, she is eith someone else.  I HAVE gotten a lot better lately. I haven't really sought out new information on her... . But just tonight I was in my room mates room BSing with him and we were looking at some people on Facebook. He clicks on the home button which takes him to the news feed, and the first thing there is a new post from my BPDex( she and my room mate became friends when we dated). I didn't get all the way through it before my room mate saw it and scrolled the page down so I wouldn't read it. He knows how badly I have struggled with all of this.

The part I did read went, "such a good night for a drive with (new guy) discussing where we want to go as a couple... . " or something along those lines anyways. There was another portion as long as that that I didn't read, and that's a paraphrase, but that was the jist.

I dnt really know how I feel... . I haven't put much thought into her as of late, and boom it's right there again.

About a week and a half ago a girl I met via a phone app came to town to stay with me.  We had been talking for several weeks and opened up some to each other.she knew about my BPDex and some of the things she has done to me.  She asked to see a picture, so I pulled up her Facebook on her phone as I don't have any pictures of us together anymore. Her response when she saw her? "this is going to sound mean but I was expecting her to be a lot prettier". I was kind of taken aback... . But at the same time, this girl is WORLDS more attractive than my BPDex. She thought that for me to have put up with as much as I did and suffered for so long , my BPDex must have been Aphrodite. It made me think and realize that my BPDex has nothing I want.  I am capable of being with much more attractive women. While not bad looking physically ,my BPDex's insides, who she is, are UGLY. On top of that, I dont want to deal with all of her baggage that she has accumulated. I am at a point where I am realizing that my BPDex was much grander in my mind than she ever was, or ever will be in real life. And I am hoping I can keep that in mind if I get tempted to snoop again.  Because as long as I continue to do so, I haven't truly let go.

[goldylamont]

It made me think and realize that my BPDex has nothing I want.  I am capable of being with much more attractive women. While not bad looking physically ,my BPDex's insides, who she is, are UGLY. On top of that, I dont want to deal with all of her baggage that she has accumulated. I am at a point where I am realizing that my BPDex was much grander in my mind than she ever was, or ever will be in real life. And I am hoping I can keep that in mind if I get tempted to snoop again.  Because as long as I continue to do so, I haven't truly let go.

HELL YES  

that felt so good to read Octoberfest. and i realize that this is the last remnants that i need to work on myself--i really did make my ex out to be grander than she was. she-aint-all-that-cute, especially because she's craycray

[Iwalk-Heruns]

For me it's been six months and I can see I am starting to not care anymore about him and know I would never want to be with him again. Thank god the idea of him is starting to repulse me now that I know more of what he did, (lying, cheating, raging... . ) my idealization of him has finally left. I think now I am just left with the residual effects of being emotionally abused by him. Not him specifically.

HOWEVER, I did have the urge the other day to drive by my replacements house to see if his truck was still there to know if they had exploded yet. So I asked myself why I would do this? You need to forget about him.

At this point I think it would be more of a verification of a social experiment to see if the behaviors really do play out like I know they do. More curiosity at this point. She can have the nut job.

I think it's also like the natural desire to read the last chapter of the book or see the end of the movie to know what happens. Maybe that's why we have no closure. Picture spending all that time reading a book and getting to the last chapter and someone rips it out of your hands and refuses to let you read it. It's natural to want to know.

[Perfidy]

Does anyone think that they have been believing lies for so long that they are just trying to make their beliefs match their realty? The way I understand it, this can bring great discomfort.

Don't we already know enough that our beliefs should be satisfied and that keeping tabs can do nothing but add to the discomfort?

[Moonie75]

Does anyone think that they have been believing lies for so long that they are just trying to make their beliefs match their realty? The way I understand it, this can bring great discomfort.

Don't we already know enough that our beliefs should be satisfied and that keeping tabs can do nothing but add to the discomfort?

Agreed.

[santa]

It made me think and realize that my BPDex has nothing I want.  I am capable of being with much more attractive women. While not bad looking physically ,my BPDex's insides, who she is, are UGLY. On top of that, I dont want to deal with all of her baggage that she has accumulated. I am at a point where I am realizing that my BPDex was much grander in my mind than she ever was, or ever will be in real life. And I am hoping I can keep that in mind if I get tempted to snoop again.  Because as long as I continue to do so, I haven't truly let go.

HELL YES  

that felt so good to read Octoberfest. and i realize that this is the last remnants that i need to work on myself--i really did make my ex out to be grander than she was. she-aint-all-that-cute, especially because she's craycray

+1

[goldylamont]

Does anyone think that they have been believing lies for so long that they are just trying to make their beliefs match their realty? The way I understand it, this can bring great discomfort.

Don't we already know enough that our beliefs should be satisfied and that keeping tabs can do nothing but add to the discomfort?

well, this is all relative. right now sure i know enough and don't need anymore evidence to understand the situation. but a few months out? even up to a year and a half out almost i hadn't seen the whole picture. getting this information on how she was behaving (and watching my own behaviors) afterwards was vital to my understanding the truth. i often feel that some who jump to condemn this behavior, did it themselves and benefited from it. and possibly then hold judgement over those in earlier stages of healing? not in a mean way at all but perhaps out of guilt? hah, just writing this i'm realizing how little guilt if any i feel about my situation... . maybe that's why this doesn't bother me? i may be talking in circles, sorry guys!

[Perfidy]

Guys I think this is the finale in my healing. The part where a romantic would say that my heart is catching up to my head. I believe what it is in psych terms is cognitive dissonance. This incongruity developed because i was being told one thing while in reality something else was happening. Goldy I hear you, I was guilty of keeping tabs myself up until around July of last year. The only benefit was pain. I actually still have a slight amount of curiosity that I don't act on. I do believe this is natural. I also know that no matter how I look at it that she was bad for me. I was very screwed up over this. Returning to reality now. Cleared for final approach.

[myself]

Good for you, Perfidy. It's encouraging to read that.

I'm nearly out of the FOG, still grieving. Not recycling anymore. 100% myself.

No, not keeping tabs on her, I put an end to that awhile ago.

[Perfidy]

I've been thinking about looking at her Facebook just to see how it makes me feel now. See if I've changed any. Haven't looked at it since July or August. Waddayathink

[Moonie75]

DON'T DO IT MATE!

Don't risk undoing all your good work on yourself.

You played Russian roulette with your mind while in the relationship... . Why do it again with your healing?

[Perfidy]

C'mon moonie! Lets see if I'm any stronger. An acid test. See if any of my counseling and support and all the exercising and progress are moving me toward acceptance. Don't that sound like a fair test?

[love4meNOTu]

DON'T YOU DARE PERFIDY

I'm gonna flat out tell you what to do.

Don't do it. It's a recipe for pain. I remember your posts from just a few weeks ago... . don't go there please.

If you were truly over it, you would feel no need to look. In fact, it wouldn't even cross your mind.

L

[Perfidy]

I'm not going to L. I do think about it though. I still have the rumination daily. It's not as strong and I have been using some of the DBT tools. It helps to keep my mind from counterproductive thought but I don't act on them anyway. I do want the obsessiveness to go away completely. I can feel it lessening. Not quite at the year mark. Two more months. By then if I keep at myself I should be in damn good shape. A test... RIGHT!

[irishmarmot]

My expwBPD has a dv order against me.  It is day 5 of NC courtesy of the state.  THANK GOD! It will be easier to grieve the relationship and move on.  She has actually done me a favor,  I will not attend the hearing and I will not keep tabs on her.

[love4meNOTu]

I'm not going to L. I do think about it though. I still have the rumination daily. It's not as strong and I have been using some of the DBT tools. It helps to keep my mind from counterproductive thought but I don't act on them anyway. I do want the obsessiveness to go away completely. I can feel it lessening. Not quite at the year mark. Two more months. By then if I keep at myself I should be in damn good shape. A test... RIGHT!

Okay how about this... tell yourself you can look tomorrow. Then don't do it. Then tell yourself you can look at it the next day. Then don't do it. Then tell yourself you can look in one week, and then don't do it. And then tell yourself you can look in one month, and then don't do it. And then at six months and then don't do it, and then at one year AND DON'T DO IT.

Just tellin' you what you would tell me if I had posted what you did. 

[Perfidy]

That's funny!   I've been there. And you are correct L. It's a day at a time.

[Changingman]

Damn it Perfidy you've made me want to check now, ha.

I'm getting through it now thinking of me mostly, and my issues.

I was able to follow the RS by ... . And I was trying to see if the unknown BPD was true and continuing. Lord it was painful to read, the chase, the manipulation, the chaos, the poisoning of friendships and RSs around her, the persecution complex, the fantasy, the lies, the mirroring, doing /acting things that she hated, contacting x lover, same complaints from neighbours, right up to... . the abortion, I couldn't tell you who's it was. This was just 3 months worth.


At that point I knew no more good could come from it. I knew it was true and there was nothing for me to gain.

No covert contact anymore

Still have day to day realisations... . favourite films all BPD themes, Betty Page, incredible lightness of being etc. Swing from anger to pity for the relacement, but less and less.

How long until the full hatred kicks in for him? He owns the business she manages, so she is even more chained up than ever. The false front is now full time, ouch. Containing that crazy, all the time. She used her work as a chance to be away, emotionally. Her 'best friend' has to be kept away to maintain the facade.

This is happening already, starts at the very beginning just a matter of time. I realise this now, why wait in the audience to see the plays end. I've seen the movie and read the book.

It'll poison us again!

Good luck.

[Perfidy]

Changingman... It always starts off so sweet! That's the hook. Predatory by nature. Instinctive and unaware. A survival mechanism. Origins in genetics and evolution. Doves have wings to escape the claws of the tigers.

I mostly posted this thread to help others that are inflicting pain on themselves needlessly by keeping tabs. Suggestion is powerful. I even thought about checking up on her myself.

[charred]

I have avoided info about my pwBPD... . my sister and my pwBPD have a friend in common, sister got an update... I stopped her from telling me.

Blocked my FB 100% so I can't see her and haven't checked in over 3 months and feel better about it all. I have closure... . closed the door on the r/s and moved on.

You think you want to know... . but the updates are always the same... lies on FB about how awesome their life is now that you are out of it, sometimes pics of a new person and them doing everything you used to. Mine had pics of her new guy a few miles from my house... . and I live 200 miles from her.

It is never good... before finally not only going NC but blocking and not checking on her... I probably checked 100 times... and every time... was painful.

[Changingman]

Changingman... It always starts off so sweet! That's the hook. Predatory by nature. Instinctive and unaware. A survival mechanism. Origins in genetics and evolution. Doves have wings to escape the claws of the tigers.

I mostly posted this thread to help others that are inflicting pain on themselves needlessly by keeping tabs. Suggestion is powerful. I even thought about checking up on her myself.

Ha, go away thoughts of what could have been.