How to deal with bad news?

[Murbay]

It's been just over 2 weeks since I have seen my BPDgf and 5 days since there has been any communication.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, she was hit with several bits of devastating news at the start of the year and went into a meltdown. This has included drinking and drug binges and she is running rampant. I have been contacted by her kids, her cousin and her sister, all of whom are at a loss too.

I noticed myself sliding into codependency mode and have taken a step back. Instead of my usual trying to fix all the problems in the world, I told her I am always here for her if she needs anything, that she isn't alone and I'm not going anywhere on her. I've then taken a step back to let her do what she needs to do.

Got a text from her this morning to tell me that her best friend who died 2 weeks ago, the autopsy results are in and it has been ruled a suicide. Every inch of my being is telling me to go over there right now and just give her a hug. Instead, I settled for a text back:

I am truly sorry to hear that and cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now. I wish I had the right words to give you right but just know that I care and I'm right here if you need anything xx

Part of me feels that words can be too cheap in a time like this. I don't know if that's acceptable or if it's my own caregiver issues trying to break through.

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[an0ught]

Hi Murbay,

you certainly are worried about her and who would not . It is unclear where this downward spiral of events lead and what you should do.

I am truly sorry to hear that and cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now. I wish I had the right words to give you right but just know that I care and I'm right here if you need anything xx

When it comes to messages you message is quite good. From the way it was formulated it could be of course improved. When formulating messages I often end up with similar messages and then take a step back and eliminate a few or even all "I"s from it. It is a bit tricky here as it would be speculation of what she feels so it may not be possible to eliminate the "I". Still with "I" less is more. Also more straight addressing of the matter spelling out suicide, shock, not having answers, deep sadness somewhere etc. may be validating - it is not necessary to attribute them to her. Lastly instead of telling her that you are there for her you could show listening behavior and ask her what she needs. All this is just dotting the i's and crossing the T's, the message was good as it went.

Every inch of my being is telling me to go over there right now and just give her a hug.

Hugging would not be fixing. You are not trusting your instincts?  What you think would be the right thing to do in normal circumstances i.e. a relationship that had an internal crisis and suddenly a gigantic external crisis happens? What is the worst case scenario when you follow your gut?

Overcoming co-dependency requires us to become strict with boundaries and limit what we do. But then humane boundaries need also be intelligent and compassionate. We seldom talk about this here on the board as getting any boundary up is a challenge for us co-dependents (and frankly for anyone else dealing with the boundary assaults we face). Still boundaries are grounded in values and most values exist in some form of hierarchy. What goals and values are in conflict here and how do you resolve that might be a question to ask yourself.

[Murbay]

Thank you for the advice an0ught. I agree, there were too many I's in the message and had difficulty finding another way to put the message without telling her how she was feeling.

The difficulty around everything is that last week she stated how she just wanted to be on her own right now to deal with a host of issues so I felt that was respecting her decisions but showing that she still had somewhere to come when she was ready to make that decision. Again, I struggled to navigate between stepping back and stepping forward because past experience has taught me that stepping forward can make matters worse.

In terms of a hug not fixing, you are correct on this and that is more my issue than anything else. I know that one thing leads to another and before I know it, I'm trying to sort everything out. I know what the right thing to do would be, however, my gf has been running all her life. When things get difficult, she destructs and goes through a cycle. As for worst case scenario, I trusted my instinct then and stepped forward. Got beaten back for it and she closed off more. She recognises that people are trying to help, believes she causes suffering to all those around her and hates herself even more. So in terms of humane and compassionate boundaries, for most of the time she acts the opposite way to what anyone else would expect.

The goals and values in conflict are that when she hates herself, she hits the alcohol and drugs. She doesn't want anyone to see her that way, afraid they will abandon her. Mine are different in the sense that I'm not abandoning her and regardless of what is going on, I just want her to know she isn't alone, to keep her safe and protect her. From previous experience though, I've learned it's just a waiting game with no right or wrong answers and that's what's painful