But I was kind of surprised yesterday. I went to a party of someone I quite recently met. I almost didn't know anyone there, but I felt it could be a great way to just relax and hang around 'other' people (meaning: with no link at all to my pwBPD).
This takes courage and vulnerability - good for you!
However... . I didn't feel comfortable at all. Now, this may happen every now and then, depending on the people you're hanging out with. But in this case, I was almost fighting against myself.
After these wounds, we tend to be emotionally sunburned ourselves, exposure can feel painful or uncomfortable - this is totally normal.
I'll explain: I just hang around some people, talked a little bit etc. etc... But a lot of them eventually left to go to the bathroom and never returned. I felt... . sad. Wanted to leave. But I fought this emotion and just tried to keep my calm and 'break through' this mental barrier.
Isn't it interesting how we perceive things as personal and this is kind of normal party behavior... . people gravitate to who they know - human nature, not personal.
I eventually met some great people. At least, on the surface. Because the conversations were very pleasant, untill I mentioned something as trivial as "I read comics" (not the specific example, but it comes close enough).
Those 'great people' changed in an instant. Their facial expressions changed and the conversation wasn't nearly as fun afterwards and just ended prematurely.
Are you comfortable sharing the actual example?
After 3 or 4 hours I had enough. I still pretended like it was all fun and games, but the lack of acceptance and the lack of feeling real genuine friendship or warmth got the best of me and so I left. Thanking the host of course for the great party and all.
You know what, chalk this up to victory! You did it... . you went out, tried and sometimes we just don't click with new people. That happened to me at a super bowl party last year, a bit stale - fine, but not real substance - and that is ok. Next... . honestly, it is not personal.
Now... . I know this to happen once every while. But this certainly hit home hard. That was very much to my surprise.
I feel like my experience with my pwBPD just made things really worse.
That "not enough" button got pushed, now is the time to pull out the tools (healthy coping tools). You did great posting here! What other tools do you use to help with rewiring that part of your emotional landscape?
On the other hand, it was worse as well, because my pwBPD just re-entered my mind again. But unfortunately in a 'I just wish she would have been here.
This is the most important thing that I read... . you know exactly the band-aid your pwBPD was covering up. Knowing our core wound is 1/2 the battle... . all humans want to feel like someone "gets" them, not alone. Have you had a chance to read the workshop BPD and the lonely child?
Kind of trivial, unimportant stuff perhaps. But unfortunately I have come to realise that my wounds haven't healed yet.
Not trivial at all - this is your golden ticket to true self worth.
Good job sharing here - you are on your way to some really good healing.
Peace,
SB
