I'm happy dammit

[Tincanmike]

A few weeks ago, I never thought I would say that.  For month's since I had a dramatic breakup with my wife and lover of 8 years I was in the darkest, most lonely and depressed state I have ever known in my 45 years.  My anxiety skyrocketed, I couldn't eat, didn't want to do any of things I liked, had a hard time going out into public, and was generally hopeless that I would ever feel good again.

And something happened. I don't know what either.  Maybe it's the medication finally kicking in after a month (Lexapro).  Maybe it's no contact.  Maybe it's just plain old time.  But I've found myself actually feeling happy. Happy about myself, about my job and so on.  I'm eating again on a regular basis and getting out of the house more. 

Most importantly is a feeling of acceptance of what has become of my relationship and of the fact that she has moved on to another.  I don't dwell on her and the new guy anymore. I don't spy on her Facebook anymore.  I don't call her family or friend to find out what she's doing.  I have finally focused on myself and it feels great.

I don't think I'll be dating anyone soon but I am thinking about starting.  I'm still a little afraid of being hurt again.  But nothing could be as bad as how I was hurt before.  If I could make it through that, I can make it through most anything.

I just wanted those of you who are still struggling (and no, I'm not completely healed!) that it can and will get better.  I never thought it would, and was praying for it to end.  There is no easy button to press that make's everything good again.  It will happen when you least expect it.  And you might not ever know what caused it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep doing the best you can ask of yourself at any given moment, and develop a plan (therapy, medicine, spirituality, diet, exercise) and most of all know know that there is always one person that can, and will, always be there for you... . and that is yourself!

And now I will probably trip over myself on the way out the door! Ha, ha.

[sun seeker]

 Great post man. Glad your doing better. Reading this has helped me realize that there is happiness after BPD. Thanks for the post.

[Monarch Butterfly]

  I just wanted those of you who are still struggling (and no, I'm not completely healed!) that it can and will get better.  I never thought it would, and was praying for it to end.  There is no easy button to press that make's everything good again.  It will happen when you least expect it.  And you might not ever know what caused it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep doing the best you can ask of yourself at any given moment, and develop a plan (therapy, medicine, spirituality, diet, exercise) and most of all know know that there is always one person that can, and will, always be there for you... . and that is yourself!

I keep wondering if grass on the other side of the fence is really greener... . I guess from your post it is. I really need to focus on this and not how bad things got. That's all I can think about.  One of the main things that keeps me from moving on is actually wondering if I will ever be happy again. If I will ever be able to trust again. If I will find someone out there who will love me or if I will be single the rest of my life. But I've come to the point that single is better than what I'm going through. Thank you for sharing. I need the extra push to get out of this rut.

[Tincanmike]

Strange thing is, I feel guilty.  I have this feeling like I shouldn't be happy.  I have to talk myself into accepting that it's ok to be happy.  Why is this?

[sun seeker]

Monarch &  Tin

I feel the exact same thing right now.

Tin

I think you feel this way cause we where all blamed for everything by our xBPDer. Or mabey cause you might feel you failed. Thats why I feel guilty. Make sense? Gotta remind yourself it not all your fault & you didnt fail. You did your best thats all anyone can do. This r/s was domed right off rip!

Monarch

If you want to be loved and if you want to trust again you will. If you want something bad enough you will go for it. You definitely cant see every one else as this guy cause they are not.

Bpders are the example not the rule.  When your ready you will know it. Stay strong dont give up. You will be ok if you want to be... .

[santa]

Sounds like things are looking up, Tin. I'm glad to hear it. The longer you stay no contact, the better off you'll be. Just keep looking forward.