Why did we ignore the RED Flags?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Turkish... .

Read it, "Becoming Attached" is a very good book, its where much of my insight came from. Left me feeling sorry for monkeys.

"Healing Developmental Trauma" is good as well, you can learn a lot about ego defenses from it... . but there isn't a great deal that heals that trauma... . as far as I can tell. Re-parenting seems to be a marketing ploy for T's, not something that is reality based.

I am in my 50's and this stuff goes back over 40 yrs... still the ADHD symptoms are still present... . but when I practice mindfulness and get in the moment... my stress and symptoms are gone... which is why I think Montel was correct (borrowed his ideas from others no doubt... but correct.)

If I had it to do all over again... . I would want a chance to pick my parents.

I have learned more than I ever wanted to about attachment theory... . in order to understand what happened, my pwBPD, our r/s... and myself. A light is shined on it all... see it clearly... understand the problem, and the obvious solution, universally is good parenting. When you miss out on that I am not sure how the mess can get cleaned up. Been seeing a T for over a year... pointed me to Mindfulness which helped my stress and ruminating, but not my FOO issues. I think it is all nature... its the norm. Animals in the wild get traumatized ... . they run around trying to avoid being food... . lot of them lose family members all the time... . it is nature. Just keep hoping we can do somewhat better than just playing out the cards we were dealt.

[charred]

Turkish... .

Read it, "Becoming Attached" is a very good book, its where much of my insight came from. Left me feeling sorry for monkeys.

"Healing Developmental Trauma" is good as well, you can learn a lot about ego defenses from it... . but there isn't a great deal that heals that trauma... . as far as I can tell. Re-parenting seems to be a marketing ploy for T's, not something that is reality based.

I am in my 50's and this stuff goes back over 40 yrs... still the ADHD symptoms are still present... . but when I practice mindfulness and get in the moment... my stress and symptoms are gone... which is why I think Montel was correct (borrowed his ideas from others no doubt... but correct.)

If I had it to do all over again... . I would want a chance to pick my parents.

I have learned more than I ever wanted to about attachment theory... . in order to understand what happened, my pwBPD, our r/s... and myself. A light is shined on it all... see it clearly... understand the problem, and the obvious solution, universally is good parenting. When you miss out on that I am not sure how the mess can get cleaned up. Been seeing a T for over a year... pointed me to Mindfulness which helped my stress and ruminating, but not my FOO issues. I think it is all nature... its the norm. Animals in the wild get traumatized ... . they run around trying to avoid being food... . lot of them lose family members all the time... . it is nature. Just keep hoping we can do somewhat better than just playing out the cards we were dealt.

[Perfidy]

Charred... . I feel that BPD is rooted in nature. It seems to be a mode of survival. An instinct. Just an observation. I've read the studies with chimps. They aren't monogamous. They have rivalries. They cheat and reject.

[Mutt]

I ignore all of the 's because she validated the sad lonely boy from childhood inside of me. I did it for me, it was my need that over-shadowed the 's. It was too good to be true and I fell into the rabbit hole.

[Turkish]

I ignore all of the 's because she validated the sad lonely boy from childhood inside of me. I did it for me, it was my need that over-shadowed the 's. It was too good to be true and I fell into the rabbit hole.

I  never felt mine was too good to be true. I  might have a bigger problem with myself.  well be processing that one for a while.

[charred]

Charred... . I feel that BPD is rooted in nature. It seems to be a mode of survival. An instinct. Just an observation. I've read the studies with chimps. They aren't monogamous. They have rivalries. They cheat and reject.

Survival of the fittest... and adaptation and all that.  Hmm, well, BPD actions... almost seem  like they are mental chameoleon's... . they change who they are to blend in with the surroundings... and to hunt.

[Mutt]

I ignore all of the 's because she validated the sad lonely boy from childhood inside of me. I did it for me, it was my need that over-shadowed the 's. It was too good to be true and I fell into the rabbit hole.

I  never felt mine was too good to be true. I  might have a bigger problem with myself.  well be processing that one for a while.

Not her.

The honeymoon / seduction phase was 6-7 months tops. That was too good to be true. The juice was not worth the squeeze.

I stayed in the r/s as long as I did because I felt obligated to the kids.

[Turkish]

I ignore all of the 's because she validated the sad lonely boy from childhood inside of me. I did it for me, it was my need that over-shadowed the 's. It was too good to be true and I fell into the rabbit hole.

I  never felt mine was too good to be true. I  might have a bigger problem with myself.  well be processing that one for a while.

Not her.

The honeymoon / seduction phase was 6-7 months tops. That was too good to be true. The juice was not worth the squeeze.

I stayed in the r/s as long as I did because I felt obligated to the kids.

I guess I did too, because of the kids. Interestingly, she wanted out almost a year ago. But was staying for the kids. Compared herself to her mother who stayed with her abusive and cheating husband, and that it wasn't right. A friend of hers, whom I know, said she stayed with her abusive and cheating husband "for the kids" and that it wasn't right. Severe gaslighting and projection, since the X was the emotionally and verbally abusive one and in the end the cheater.

I wonder if I asked her, "what were you red flags about me?" what her answer would be.

[Mutt]

wonder if I asked her, "what were you red flags about me?" what her answer would be.

That's an interesting question. I would think mine would "project" her red flags on me as she did with all of the abusive behaviors in the end. Not all, but some.

I don't think mine stayed in it for the kids. She was the first through the D word around as a threat. She always said it's better for the kids due to the fighting but would not take steps to correct it. I was always the first to set-up / suggest couples counseling. Thinking back now there was more than one guy.

My SIN (same as social security down there) was used with a fictious first name and my last name (odd that that whoever stole it, used my last name) and got a cellphone and charged $1700 on it. That came back to me through the internal collections at the service provider. I work for a competitive service provider and I get discounted. I've always had a phone through work and I explained to them it was not mine. With her financially setting me up for difficulties in the last few months and finding out she used to call sex lines through one of her ex's wife. I think it was her, to hide her activities or possibly calling these numbers. The service provider did not want to provide details and waved it and it got striken from  my credit report. A flag was also put on it, in case someone used my SIN again. That happened not long after we where married.

The kids are not in front of her, she's always been in front of everyone else.

[hergestridge]

It's the toughest of all questions to answer truthfully. I still lie to myself about it. I've even been lying about in on this board, propably recently. I still entertain the illusions, but here's the truth:

From day one (20 years ago) that sixteen year old girl put so much fear into me that I didn't dare to leave. I saw so many red flags among the way, but running just wasn't an option. It was more a question of survival or making the best of the situation.

Occasionally I guess I started to ignore red flags because I seemed pointless to acknowledge them. I was stuck with her anyway.

BTW sorry for posting on the wrong board, I'm "undecided".

[myself]

We ignored them because we thought it would take our pain away. It would give us something bigger than ourselves to believe in. That's why we like the good times better. They're not as painful. The red flags drew us in, didn't they?

[Mutt]

We ignored them because we thought it would take our pain away. 

... . And in turn took on a lot more undeserved pain.

[growing_wings]

i also ignored the flags as she was my analgesic... .

my attention being focused on her prevented me from focusing on myself, on my needs , on my pain... .

it becomes a cycle... a vicious negative cycle...

[Ironmanrises]

I ignored the   because during the friendship phase of years, I translated those very   as mere quirks of her personality. I spent so much time trying to get to know her that, that by the time round 1 started, I was hooked in all areas. By the time I realized what I was even dealing with, ripping out the hooks, which I am still doing, means ripping out pieces of me in the process. Each piece I rip out, is another layer of me that is irrevocably lost in the brutal wake. There is only so much one can rip out if themselves before nothing is left.

[empathic]

Ignored a lot of red flags. I think I was afraid of feeling lonely again. There was a point when we'd been together 2-3 years that I thought about cutting my losses and coming out a lot stronger person, but I never followed through. She also made a very big deal about breaking up with her bf before me, like she wanted me to see what a big sacrifice she had made to be with me.

I was very naive about r/s back then and thought I could fix her. I thought the red flags waving were part of every r/s. I also have some separation anxiety myself and got sad just thinking about us saying goodbye to eachother.

[findingmyselfagain]

Answering this question should tell you a lot of how/why you came to be in such a dysfunctional relationship. For one thing I was very NAIVE and hadn't developed a healthy definition of love and/or boundaries. I was also very lonely. My health with diabetes wasn't what it could have been back then, so I was not feeling well and was not confident. I hadn't had much luck dating and had been determined to make ANYTHING work. So here comes a young single mom recently divorced for the second time who seemed so cute and vulnerable, and I knew what I was getting into, but dove in head-first anyway. I believed that the other men were all bad guys, and that she was looking for something genuine, and that I was a "good guy" so it would have to work out between us. My r/s with my own mother was a little strained. Though I was smart kid with a good personality, she was hard on me... . instead of encouraging me. There's some self-esteem there that was/is in need of some healing.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be now if I was only encouraged as a child. Harvard? Yale? It's never too late to start living though. It's a wake-up call I wish I never needed.

[Mutt]

Answering this question should tell you a lot of how/why you came to be in such a dysfunctional relationship. For one thing I was very NAIVE and hadn't developed a healthy definition of love and/or boundaries. I was also very lonely. My health with diabetes wasn't what it could have been back then, so I was not feeling well and was not confident. I hadn't had much luck dating and had been determined to make ANYTHING work. So here comes a young single mom recently divorced for the second time who seemed so cute and vulnerable, and I knew what I was getting into, but dove in head-first anyway. I believed that the other men were all bad guys, and that she was looking for something genuine, and that I was a "good guy" so it would have to work out between us.

Word for word exactly the same way for me findingmyselfagain. Mine wasn't divorced but had a child from previous r/s and young. I was 8 years older than her. The rescuing/knight in shining armor complex was strong in me.

It's never too late to start living though. It's a wake-up call I wish I never needed.

It's never too late. Better to have an unneeded wake-up call than no wake-up call. That's the way I feel.

[Tolou]

Thanks, for sharing all these stories! SEEMs like the  red-flags are all over we just have to pay more attention and listen to ourselves.