Drinking and Splitting

[joethemechanic]

I had one hell of a night last night. BPDgf came over all nice, and had presents for me I was really feeling loved. Then she got a six pack out of her car... .

Next thing you know she had everyone who cares about her, me, her sister, her kids all painted black. And to make it worse she had all her taproom "friends" painted white.

Then she says "I'm leaving". She was so drunk she couldn't walk. I ended up pinning her down on the bed for like an hour until she stopped her BS. She kept insisting that she had a "free pass" to do whatever she wanted without any concern for others because of her childhood abuse.

Today she is all full of "I'm Sorry" and saying she doesn't want to lose me. But in a couple of days it's going to happen again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Lack of control and emotional regulation is the basis of BPD, add in alcohol and the last notch on the handbrake comes off.

I went through this everyday for years, I would not do it again. First sign of that and I would be in a different place. I would not stick around trying to restrain(which is assault) or try to mediate/talk sense.

Its a scene breaker for me now. Anywhere is a better place to be.

[Mazda]

I had one hell of a night last night. BPDgf came over all nice, and had presents for me I was really feeling loved. Then she got a six pack out of her car... .

Next thing you know she had everyone who cares about her, me, her sister, her kids all painted black. And to make it worse she had all her taproom "friends" painted white.

Then she says "I'm leaving". She was so drunk she couldn't walk. I ended up pinning her down on the bed for like an hour until she stopped her BS. She kept insisting that she had a "free pass" to do whatever she wanted without any concern for others because of her childhood abuse.

Today she is all full of "I'm Sorry" and saying she doesn't want to lose me. But in a couple of days it's going to happen again.

Agree with wave rider.  Alcohol dependency needs to be a deal breaker, for your own sake.  My ex would say the most horrendous things when he was drunk, and no matter how much I would ask him to not drink, it made no difference.  If its gotten to the point where you have to restrain her, leave.  You can get into some serious trouble doing that.

[Murbay]

Joe, I feel your frustrations and knowing this is a pattern that repeats doesn't make things any easier for you either 

As Mazda and waverider have pointed out though, you need to be careful as it could be you that ends up in trouble for doing the right thing.

After a Christmas party in December, my BPDgf turned as soon as we got back to mine. She had quite a few drinks that night and fired into a rage over something extremely random. I parachute and several months ago I posted on Facebook "Great day for parachuting. Got 3 jumps in already today". The rage was because she decided this was a sexual innuendo because I didn't put the word "parachute" before jump. Decided she was leaving and driving home. I pleaded with her not to go as she had been drinking and that I could take the spare room but her mind was made up. As a last resort, I pleaded again for her to at least allow me to call a taxi for her but there was no stopping her. She even stated that she didn't care if she died, but failed to consider that it wasn't just her life she was putting at risk.

I rang her son, told him what was happening in the hope that she would listen to him but she didn't. I could not stop her from leaving, as much as I wanted to and that leaves you in a horrible position. However, as harsh as it sounds, anything that happens as a result of their decisions is their responsibility. I did run down to stand in front of the car, figured that if she ran me down, it might make her stop and didn't put anyone else at risk. Also, if the police were called, the responsibility was back on her too, being in a car and drunk. She waited for me, waited till I almost got to the car and then drove off.

I can only imagine being in such a position where you felt that holding her back was the safest option but again just be very careful.

[joethemechanic]

I know the restraining her, taking her keys, blocking her car in with my truck thing isn't very politically correct. but we have a 30 year history of this. Whenever she loses control and threatens or starts to do something self destructive I restrain her until her emotions stabilize.

The crazy part is, the next morning, she is all over me telling me how much she loves me, and saying stuff like "You really do love me". Keep in mind I never hurt her. She is only like 5 foot and 100 pounds, and I'm 6 foot 3 and 250 so I just pick her up like a child. These incidents really don't even involve any yelling or raised voices, basically just her telling me I'm a "big meanie" or something like that, and me saying "Oh well, tough S"

I really wish there was a better way of handling this, but when she reverts to being 3 years old emotionally I have to take control somehow or she is going to end up hurting herself or someone else.

A funny thing she told me one time is that her ex-husband gave her "too much freedom" and she didn't like that,

[Chosen]

pwBPDs are intense enough without the alcohol, and we know how everything is magnified under alcohol, so it is to be expected that she would split even more "dramatically"/ apparently when drunk.  Also, alcohol loses her inhibitions, and I suppose some pwBPDs (or even those without BPD) use alcohol to "help" them say things they are afraid of.

Before I learnt about BPD, my H got drunk a few times and did the major splitting thing on me.  He had little memory of what he did (maybe an easy excuse since it's not pretty).  Nowadays he doesn't drink, but there were times when he split and it was just as bad.  The problem is, if she is relying on alcohol, then there's no end to how intense her outbursts will be.  And you know that it's going to happen the next time she drinks too... .

I don't know if drinking is becoming a problem for her- many people drink and are fine.  But if you expect that she would be like that when she drinks, that it's a trigger (or a sign that she's going down that spiral), then maybe it's time to set boundaries for yourself, like "when she drinks I will not be around her".  Waiting till she's drunk then pinning her down is dangerous for both of you, and also you'll have a lot of BS to listen to before that happens.

[joethemechanic]

Yeah, drinking is a problem with her. She was 23 years sober. She was so good then... .

I saw what drinking did to her back in the 80's. We were engaged then and her drinking broke us up.

She is here now, but she is passed out. At least I know she is safe. It's funny, but from the moment she takes the first drink, I feel alone even though she is here.