No longer undecided...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know how or when exactly, but soon, I am leaving.  I've decided that I don't want to live this way and that I'm not up to validating him and suppressing my own feelings and needs so as not to trigger an episode... .   So that's it, decision is made.  I'm making actual realistic plans and looking at what and who I need, not just bluster this time.

Feel shaky, relieved and all sorts of things, but mostly scared.

[janey62]

I don't know how or when exactly, but soon, I am leaving.  I've decided that I don't want to live this way and that I'm not up to validating him and suppressing my own feelings and needs so as not to trigger an episode... .   So that's it, decision is made.  I'm making actual realistic plans and looking at what and who I need, not just bluster this time.

Feel shaky, relieved and all sorts of things, but mostly scared.

[fromheeltoheal]

OK then, good for you!  Don't know your situation but having a plan is essential, and my experience was you'll feel a massive sense of relief immediately, and the hardest part of the detachment is at the beginning, it only gets easier.

[karma_gal]

Janey:

Oh, I so feel for you, but I am so glad that you have been able to make a decision.  Because I am still undecided, I'm curious:  Was there a final straw or just a sudden realization that leaving was the right thing to do? 

I think now that you know for sure what you want to do that things will begin to work out to allow that to happen.  It's so normal to be scared -- that's what keeps most of us undecided for way too long -- whether it's about being alone, recovering from this relationship, moving on, whatever.  I think as long as you have a plan you will be fine.  Just don't rush things to get to the other side, unless you need to.  Take your time, get your plan together, lay the foundation for your new life so that when you're ready to jump, you will be as prepared as possible for what lies ahead.

You are going to be fine, and life is going to throw some amazing things your way simply by your being willing to make room for them by closing the door on the many wrong things that a pwBPD brings. 

I can't wait to watch your story unfold and to learn how much better things look for you once you have removed yourself from the relationship.  Keep your chin up, girl.  Everything will start to fall in place for you to begin your awesome new life. You got this! 

[1BrickShort]

Oh, Janey --

Sometimes this part of the decision is the hardest. But now that you know what your goal is, you can work towards it.

Best of luck. You CAN do it!

[RecycledNoMore]

You know in your heart, you know when its time... .

Your journey starts here Janey huggs:)

[janey62]

Thanks for all your supportive words... .

Briefly my situation is that uBPDbf and I have been together for 18 months ish, off and on.  It was clear that something wasn't right from the beginning and I even ended it for 3 months earlier on, but something drew me back against my better judgment... .   He kept breaking up with me and accusing me of being all kinds of things.  It kind of wore me down I think, the confusion and pain and then relief when he wanted me again.  I now understand this behaviour for what it is, but at the time had no clue and fell for his remorse and in terrible pain and then being loving again routine.

He retired in September and decided to buy a boat and move to the south coast to live on it.  I gave up job and home to move with him.  On the second day of my being there he kicked me out saying he was sick of me making him feel bad.  His episodes have been much closer together since we moved and his abusive words and behaviour have become steadily more cruel.  He is also drinking more. 

I've been in a panic for most of the 4 months we've been here, and I knew when it first happened that I needed to leave.  I wanted to go home to friends and familiar places but couldn't because I didn't have a job.  I've been applying for every job I could and had interviews and finally a week ago I got one, working in a prison as a drug/alcohol recovery worker (what I'm trained for).  It means I can be financially independent again.  Not dependent on him to help when he is in a good mood.  So humiliating!  I had a part time job over christmas but it wasn't enough.

I managed to rent a flat, the landlord let me have it with no deposit or agreement, just said move in.  I've not paid him for the past 2 months but he's ok with that because he knows my situation.  He and his wife have been nothing but kind and I could cry because people are so lovely... .

So, I'm waiting to start job, vetting procedures in process now.  I'm going to see a flat near to the job and far enough from here that I won't have to run into bf.  I've not actually told him yet but he knows I was thinking about being nearer the job. 

When he is calm, which he isn't at the moment, I will find the moment to tell him.  He is always sorry for the way he's been and feels guilty.  He knows I've had enough and hopefully will let me go without too much fuss.  I know he'll be sad and desperate and try to change my mind, but I won't.

There wasn't any final straw, I've just been working towards this ever since I realised what a terrible mistake I'd made in coming here with him.  What helped me make the decision was this forum, discovering that I wasn't mad, or the terrible person he said I was and that I wasn't alone!  I didn't realise he might have BPD, but now am convinced of it.  He is diagnosed with anxiety/panic/depression already, but it's much more than that.  I couldn't understand why he kept attacking me, pushing me away and then regretting it.  Now I know.  It wasn't me.  It was him and this horrible illness.

Even though I knew weeks ago that I would leave I've still been caught up in the push/pull thing and have had moments when I hoped against hope that he would get better even a little.  We even went to a therapist, but he can't handle that and turned on us both (she being female too and in his eyes all women are evil whores). 

So, that's me.  On my way   and bracing for the inevitable pain I know I'm going to feel, but also I know, and am grateful for this, that I don't have BPD and I can live with and handle my feelings, however deeply I feel them.

Thank you all and I'll keep you posted.  xxx 

[janey62]

PS...

Oh yes, that's me and my baggage on our way. This experience has taught me a lot and has been life changing. 

I have realised that I must and will now look at myself.  That's the important lesson.  Without having learned it the whole experience would be doomed to repeat itself when the next r/s came along.

I never again want to be that person who accepts the kind of treatment I've had here!  And I'll do whatever I need to do to ensure that I really have learned and grown.  No hiding! 

Bring on the wisdom 

[MammaMia]

janey62

I am sorry for your troubles, but you are so very fortunate you did not marry. You deserve a more stable relationship then you have had the past 18 months.  I have seen many stories on this site about relationships exactly like yours.  Being asked to make a commitment to move across country or across the globe only to have your pwBPD go into meltdown and end things.  How unbelievably cruel.

It sounds as if you are on the road to recovery.  There will be bumps in the road on your journey, but at least you now know what you DO NOT want out of life.

Take good care and keep us posted.  

[growing_wings]

i am glad you are no longer un-decided... the worst place to be is where you dont know what to do. doing something is better in my view.

there might be times where you will feel like you are not ready to leave... . but that is normal. Leaving is a process and it will come with its up and downs.

best wishes

[Free2Bee]

It sounds like you have a really good handle on things, janey. Making the decision to leave is REALLY tough. I'm three weeks post-decision at this point so the pain of making the decision is still fresh with me.

In my experience, 'no contact' is the best way to go, once you've extracted yourself from the r/s. NC made the healing process easier for me.

Keep writing here and update us on how you're doing.

You're surrounded by friends on this board and we'll support you as you go through this. Hang tough 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi janey, I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through.  Know that many others have been down this path and are here to support you in your decision.  I find there is a certain calmness that comes with knowing what you need to do.  So hang in there and keep in mind that you are gravitating towards greater peace and happiness.  LJ

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh my gosh, Janey62, big decision! GOOD FOR YOU. I think you can tell that everyone here is wishing you nothing but the best... . we may all just be 'virtual friends' on here... . but hopefully all of our positive energy helps fuel your trip OUT of that hell... .

We have another escapee! YAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! 

[janey62]

Thanks all of you, its amazing to have such a lot of support and understanding.  Just finding this place has made a huge difference to me.  I feel so much stronger for it. 

And as for being just 'virtual' friends MGE!  They're the best kind!  I think there is an extraordinary amount of honesty and intimacy here and a collective and shared wisdom and wealth of experience and that's partly facilitated by the fact that we are meeting in this way, unfettered by physical presence. 

I know the decision is the easier bit, and the actual going is the hard bit, and then the staying gone is even harder.  I will be reaching for help and support and advice from all of you here often I think. 

I think once I'm actually gone the 'no contact' advice will be put into force Kai.  I actually long to have time when I don't get the calls and texts and unexpected drunken visits.  I can feel myself getting calmer in the times in between and so will go for NC. 

  to everyone xx

[janey62]

I was just reading some of the info on BPD and had a mini lightbulb moment.

My uBPDbf, soon to be ex, would be perfectly happy and calm all weekend, then when I went to work on Monday, leaving him smiling on the doorstep, he would start to unravel.  He would go out (he wasn't working, on long term sick leave) into town, have coffee, chat to people and eventually end up in the pub and getting drunk.  I would get a message on my way home to say that it was best if he went back to his place (on a bus for 40 miles) because he was drunk and would probably bother me.

I would then go and find him and bring him home (rescue) and put him to bed having let him cry for a bit.

We had some great weekends and holidays.  Camping trips where I would be so happy I could burst!  But the bubble burst when I had to leave him and go back to work.  He might be ok for a few days but in the end he would lose it. 

It's sad to think that he couldn't cope on his own, that he must have felt so awful... .   I don't much like being on my own, but I let myself feel lonely, then get on with it, find some way to feel ok, watch a film, bake some cakes, phone a friend, redecorate a room, Skype my sister, do anything to soothe myself.  But BPD sufferers can't do that, they just wander about, feeling lost and abandoned. 

I remember thinking that if I just could be with him all of the time it would be ok.  Wrong!  After we moved here together we were together all the time, but weren't actually because he would have to escape, often, and oddly enough still end up in the pub.  So, being along is unbearable for BPDs, but so is being with someone!   

[thicker skin]

I've PM'd you Janey