will it ever get better?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I guess we all have our "good days" and "bad days" but sometimes I just don't think I will ever be healed.

I have been NC with My uBPD sister for 10 months.  It is certainly the right decision after 12 years of abuse to bother me and my mother.  We were on NC for a few months in the past.  After seeking professional help 4 years ago and experts telling me she is BPD and my research... . no doubt she is a classic of everything your read on this site.

She is my only sister my only sibling.  Our father passed from cancer when I was 12 and she was 7 (to the best of what we can figure out, this is likely the main cause of her illness)

As most of us the pain is just so deep.  When I would give anything in the world to help her and make things better and she of course is resistant and feels it would be good for me to see a "shrink" because I have issues.  Sound familiar anyone.  In talking to my therapist, I definatly have and continue to grieve.  I grieve the "what could be"  "the few good times we had"  I want to have a relationship and love my sister.  I miss my nieces and nephew.  My 4 year old asked last week if when we go "up north" next time if he can see his cousin"  It tugs soo hard on my heart... . why? 

I always did anything for her, she was always jealous of me and uses "classic projection" a lot. 

Our my at age 72 is heart broken... . why? how can this happen?  She has been widowed for 30 years this June, had substantial health issues herself and be abuse by the daughter she would do anything for... .

I know this is not "the right" thing to think and feel but it just bothers me to no end... .    Several of our family members know the situation and know what she has done to us and they know our awful pain.   I certainly am not "friends" with her on facebook but of course see several things that others comment on.  Family members will make comments often very general but none the less usually positive.  I feel betrayed... . I know this is not the way to be but it is how I feel.  I can't tell my relatives "not" to talk to her or what to do in any matter but I turly feel betrayed... . I just feel if they supported me they also would not have contact or respond to her but again... . I know this is not possible, correct thinking etc.

The lies she has told about my mom and I of course to make herself look like the vicitim and how awful we are to her.  She is extemly good at manipulation... . She has told people I have mental problems... . I just am so hurt... .  

I don't know what else I can do to heal... . I have sought professional help spent a lot of $$$$$$ but worth it as I have learned so much and understand things better.  NC is the only option anymore.  We again tried everything else and each time it just gets worse and worse... .

The other thing that just about makes me break down anymore... . we have had some tradgies of young people lately and I hear so many people say... . family is so important... . that is what family is for... . family will do anything for each other... . tell your family you love them and on and on and on... . hearing this stuff just is like putting a knife in my chest.  I feel people look at me and would say " don't hold gurdges, life is to short... . you know you have heard them all... .    I do feel these things are important... . but nobody understands the love in in my heart and I grieve what I cant have... .

just dont' know what to do anymore.  My husband has been supportive but just don't get the pain... . he just dosent get why I can't just "get over it"

[enough abuse]

I guess we all have our "good days" and "bad days" but sometimes I just don't think I will ever be healed.

I have been NC with My uBPD sister for 10 months.  It is certainly the right decision after 12 years of abuse to bother me and my mother.  We were on NC for a few months in the past.  After seeking professional help 4 years ago and experts telling me she is BPD and my research... . no doubt she is a classic of everything your read on this site.

She is my only sister my only sibling.  Our father passed from cancer when I was 12 and she was 7 (to the best of what we can figure out, this is likely the main cause of her illness)

As most of us the pain is just so deep.  When I would give anything in the world to help her and make things better and she of course is resistant and feels it would be good for me to see a "shrink" because I have issues.  Sound familiar anyone.  In talking to my therapist, I definatly have and continue to grieve.  I grieve the "what could be"  "the few good times we had"  I want to have a relationship and love my sister.  I miss my nieces and nephew.  My 4 year old asked last week if when we go "up north" next time if he can see his cousin"  It tugs soo hard on my heart... . why? 

I always did anything for her, she was always jealous of me and uses "classic projection" a lot. 

Our my at age 72 is heart broken... . why? how can this happen?  She has been widowed for 30 years this June, had substantial health issues herself and be abuse by the daughter she would do anything for... .

I know this is not "the right" thing to think and feel but it just bothers me to no end... .    Several of our family members know the situation and know what she has done to us and they know our awful pain.   I certainly am not "friends" with her on facebook but of course see several things that others comment on.  Family members will make comments often very general but none the less usually positive.  I feel betrayed... . I know this is not the way to be but it is how I feel.  I can't tell my relatives "not" to talk to her or what to do in any matter but I turly feel betrayed... . I just feel if they supported me they also would not have contact or respond to her but again... . I know this is not possible, correct thinking etc.

The lies she has told about my mom and I of course to make herself look like the vicitim and how awful we are to her.  She is extemly good at manipulation... . She has told people I have mental problems... . I just am so hurt... .  

I don't know what else I can do to heal... . I have sought professional help spent a lot of $$$$$$ but worth it as I have learned so much and understand things better.  NC is the only option anymore.  We again tried everything else and each time it just gets worse and worse... .

The other thing that just about makes me break down anymore... . we have had some tradgies of young people lately and I hear so many people say... . family is so important... . that is what family is for... . family will do anything for each other... . tell your family you love them and on and on and on... . hearing this stuff just is like putting a knife in my chest.  I feel people look at me and would say " don't hold gurdges, life is to short... . you know you have heard them all... .    I do feel these things are important... . but nobody understands the love in in my heart and I grieve what I cant have... .

just dont' know what to do anymore.  My husband has been supportive but just don't get the pain... . he just dosent get why I can't just "get over it"

[Clearmind]

 

It does get better!

Enough can I ask what you covered in therapy?

[enough abuse]

Multiple things have been covered in various therapy sessions.

we talked about the circle of abuse... . very aplicable in my situation

classic projection... . very true

setting boundaries

Detaching from the situation not from caring about my sister and her family but "detaching" from the agony of involvement.

She stressed to me that MY immediate family is my children and husband and nobody else... . and try to put that in perspective of what I need to prioritize.

we talked about how I did not cause her problem, I can't chage it and can't cure it

We have talked about my sister being "in a mental wheelchair"  handicapped by BPD. 

I understand all of this but have a very hard time accepting it as my life

[Tayto]

hi enough, its very hard when you are not at one with your family as its like a child passing away, it makes no sense to your emotions and is very hard to get over.

when your dad died, how did this make you feel at the time and over the years have you accepted that it was the cancer that took him away.

[enough abuse]

I was only 12 when my dad died and of course I was sad but I got it and I still get it and accepted it  as best as anyone could.  I did and continue to believe God called him for a reason and we had great support of family after his passing.  We always remember him fondly, we never forget.   I have only been "angry" he was taken away in the last few years due to my sister.  Things would sure be different if he were here.  My sister would NOT be talking and treating my mother the way she does.  She may have issues but things would be different. 

Again now as a 42 year old married with my own children, I think about him but I am not angry and I believe we will be unted again.  I do "beg" him to help us out during these times.

I have said many times that my sister with BPD is worse than losing someone to death!  That may sound harsh but with death of someone you love  you still feel a sense of peace, love, good memories, people comming together understanding your saddness and being their to comfort you... . BPD family member are all OPPOSITE of this... . no peace, no love, no support... etc... .

[Clearmind]

You have covered good ground in therapy Enough.

I understand all of this but have a very hard time accepting it as my life

Oh don't I know it. It does get better when we can accept that it is not actually your life Enough its hers. Begin to see her as separate to you and that its not your role to fix her. Its a process of emotionally letting go and detaching with love. They teach this "detaching with love" on the staying board and I so get it now. While it hurts it not ours to own.

Radical acceptance is the accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Having done through therapy myself its about loving myself and not criticising myself for what I couldn't do for my father or aunt (both BPD). Be kind to you.

Introduction to Radical Acceptance

We are in fact powerless over their actions. Mom needs to see this too Enough - when BPDsis acts out you both really need to step back and not enable her - accept that she needs to care of things herself.

Do you feel obligated and responsible to make things OK for you and Mom? That is a huge burden to bear.

[Tayto]

how do you think your mother see's your sisters BPD towards her ?

[enough abuse]

Thanks clearmind that was a great and helpful post above... . Thanks...

My mom has been NC with my sister since prior to Thanksgiving and they had been very minimal contact prior to that since March when this last "straw" started.  She was harrassing my mom with texts, calling and leaving messages, calling and hanging up.  My mom was scared and actually went and stayed with her friend.  After about 5 days with my moms permission I blocked her from my mom's phone.  Both my mom and I sent Christmas gifts to her kids, my mom even gave her and her husband a check which she cashed but no "thank you" from anyone.  Which is fine... . I would rather it be that way than a "crack" for trouble.

My mom first went to see the psychologist with me 4 years ago and although my mom agreed with what we were learning she just could not believe that 1. she could be diagnosed without being seen and that there was no way to help her.  She had usual contact with my sister and with the new learned information in her pocket got to see everything we learned unfold again. 

I think my mom has felt like she "has to take the abuse since it is her daughter" and because she has a "problem" she needs to take the abuse... . the social worker has helped my mom realize she does not have a responsibility and does NOT need to be abused in any circumstance.  Now that my sister has not attempted any contact it is almost better. 

My mom is terrible sad and hurt and dosen't understand why this is  happening to her along with everything else she has gone through in life.  Sometimes she gets caught up in

" I wonder why she would say I am such a bad mother, what could I have done different"

First my mother was a wonderful single mother.  My mom did so much for her (both of us) and whatever my mom would have done would never been enough. My mom is so hurt as she is not seeing her 4 grandkids.  She helped my sister and did everything and anything for the kids and now she has them turned against my mom.  That is so heart breaking. 

My mom has taken a big step and purchased a condo to move to town and make things easier and put herself in a better situation.  She lives in the country about 2 miles from my sister on a farm but obviously they will not help her with anything and she needs to get something more manageable.

[Tayto]

if you were to write your sister a letter but instead of writing it from your point of view writing it from hers as she sees things.

what would it say ?

[Clearmind]

Oh yes it is very tough being a Mom with a BPD daughter and to be a sister of one too. My aunt is very textbook Borderline and has dipped in and out of my grandmothers and my Moms life for years and years. When she dips out it is so much more peaceful.

Two things that are hard is the roller coaster ride and trying not self blame. It sounds like your Mom is taking things in her stride - for you both - the best you can do is to look after yourselves and trust that little can be done to dampen BPDsis's behaviour. Blocking calls is something my mother has also done with her sister and will only deal with her via email. The issue with email is that she tends to unleash more because she has time to think about it - thats ok though and my mother has learnt to not react to her emails.

Being mindful of BPDsis and her behaviour and not reacting is really all you can do. We cannot change it - believe me my family has tried for years. All we have done now is have very firm boundaries in place to ensure we 1) don't placate her behaviour 2) don't reward it with any reaction 3) controlled contact when we feel like contact not when she dictates it.

Honestly Enough you and Mom are doing all you can maybe what you need to process is the fear, obligation and guilt that comes with having a BPD family member. And have a good relationship with your Mom that does not revolve around the drama of BPDsis. The more you talk about with each other the more the drama is kept alive in your minds. Agree to talk for 5 minutes then put it to rest.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

[enough abuse]

Tayto-  I often sit and ponder... . what is really going through her mind?  What does she think... . I don't know.   All I can think is that she truly believes her lies, I don't know... . I think deep down in her heart she knows the truth... . I don't know if she is jealous... . but for whatever reason as time goes on and now my mother and I have set boundaries and after that "wore off" and the behavior became worse we were forced to go NC and that leads her to more and more lies... . I don't know how to explain it other than classic BPD.  I guess if she were to  write something it would be all the lies she apparently believes.   

Clearmind... . again very touching thoughts and so true.

My mom called me today very "disturbed" She was talking to my aunt who talked to my other Aunt who told her my sister put on facebook.  "someone is messing with my kids minds"  apparently this took place only a few weeks ago.  She accused me of this several months ago but no contact since.  My mother feels that my sister is going to come over to her house someday and go crazy and my mothers words "its not gonna be good"  My mom just feels that she is going to come after her. 

My mom just bought a condo and my sister does not know at this time.  She will be moving in the next few months.  At this point their is just no point in trying to have any contact as it is impossible to have any kind of conversation. 

Whatever she is referring to here ... . who knows perhaps just having another "world of lies" moment and put that on facebook for attention or referring to me now from months back or I told my mom she has burnt bridges in the community.  It is a small community someone may have said something to the kids or other kids parents may have said something... . who knows... . but NC is the only way to go at this time... .

Thanks so much for the posts on here really helpful... . have read some pieces to my mom to try to help her understand other people really do know what this is like.