How to regain myself

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly, Waverider. You have put the iron in my spine. Yes, you are right, he is seeing changes in me which i think he is processing in his mind... . it slips out now and again as a red flag to bait me... . Waverider, he has seen me not swerving, but buckling under the pressure that he puts on me... . and it had come to a point, having gone through this for 26 years, that just a look or a well-timed word would send me crashing. That is not happening, Waverider, as much as it used to... . and i will work on consistency... .

Thank you

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[DreamFlyer99]

What a perfect response from Waverider!

I sometimes fall into my husband's negative ways too still, Lilibeth. It's a process, we will stumble. We're human. It's so important to realize that can happen from time to time, but we are moving in that upward direction. Consistency is important, like Waverider says, us keeping the goal in front of us as we deal with the day to day. The behaviors you are changing will gradually feel more and more natural to you and the consistency won't be as hard.

Be kind to yourself, Lilibeth! It's a process.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for that DreamFlyer99. Thank you for your gentle concern... . i really have to learn to be kind to myself... . and i have to remember that i am moving upward inch by inch, and even though the goal becomes a little hidden, i have to go on towards it... . i keep repeating this to myself.

After three days of negativeness now he has moved into the trashing mode - trashing everyone and everything and bringing it all round to him and how he doesn't subscribe to this, that and the other... . trashing the achievements of people who have done well, trashing countries for the condition of the world... . this morning when i was listening to him, i suddenly felt i was not alone - was waiting for him to go to work and rush back here... . this is really my oasis... .

[Lilibeth]

Does this also happen to you, DreamFlyer? It happens to me a lot - by chance if i don't share the exact same opinion, negative or otherwise, with my husband, or add another dimension to what he is saying, or keep quiet signifying that i don't agree, he goes into this cold distant mode and tells me there must be something wrong with him because his perceptions are so different. Or he says he must be going mad, since his perceptions are so different... . and i cringe up inside, wondering if i haven't got it wrong, if my thinking is so wrong, if my understanding is so poor that i cannot get what he is trying to say... .

[waverider]

and i have to remember that i am moving upward inch by inch, and even though the goal becomes a little hidden, i have to go on towards it... . i keep repeating this to myself.

The goal is not some final result. The goal is to have a sense of direction so you feel like your life is a worthwhile journey. This is why speed is not the essence only forward movement, no matter how small.

Treading water is draining and unrewarding

[Lilibeth]

Thank you Waverider for those words of caution. I guess i'm trying to make up for all the years lost... . i so want to get back myself soon, Waverider, really... . The good thing is that i am developing a sense of direction, thanks to you and DeamFlyer99.

[DreamFlyer99]

i love the practical and clear advice of Waverider. Beautifully said: the goal is to have a sense of direction so you feel like your life is a worthwhile journey.

Yes Lilibeth, i've had those moments with my H too where my thinking i am helpfully interjecting is looked at as me being an interloper breaking his stream of thought!  i don't tend to sit around and listen to the bashing cuz i don't find it helpful for my blood pressure. i tend to wander and find things to do. i think he's finally getting the idea that i don't like when he does that, i've sorta ignored it for so long.

There was a man in the veterinarian's when i took my dog in, and he started right in on one of those one-sided conversations about how bad this in government and that in government is. Excuse me, did i accidentally show some interest when i said hello?  Some people just want an audience. The less we buy into it with our husbands (thinking we're being the dutiful wife) the less they feel like we're saying it's okay for them to do that.

Baby step by baby step--i just had a great moment today with my H where he actually immediately took responsibility for not being able to find something. Usually it would be my fault or our kids fault for moving it from the place it had been sitting for several years, but this time he said "well i can't blame anyone else for something i bought and didn't install." WHAT? i was so shocked but i managed to just murmur something rather than jump up and down saying "YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY! YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY!"

Hmm. i'm thinking this is so amazing i should go write a new post about it.

[Theo41]

Lilibeth , I was older than u when I got here. My uBPDw was excellent at bringing everything back to something I had done or failed to do. I bought most of it for many years. Then I read SWOE and realized that it's not always my fault. In most cases she is dysregulating and acting very in appropriately. Also I had a warped opinion of myself as "less than" . Something I first got from my father as a child. I believe he had BPD too. I went to a therapist who helped me do an inventory of my strengths and accomplishments as well as any shortcomings. It was a wonderful gift she gave me. I emerged from the process with a much better and more realistic self image. Also I have learned lots on this site which helps me take care of myself and not allow myself to be victimized by a wonderful person who happens to have a mental illness. It gets better' much better. Not them necessarily, but you will get better. Theo

[Lilibeth]

DreamFlyer99, Waverider and Theo41, thank you so much for your healing words. I needed them, still do... . Though his negativeness has not yet passed, at least i have been able to distance myself.

[DreamFlyer99]

THAT is good to hear! Please pat yourself on the back because i can't reach.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you, DreamFlyer99. That pat means so much to me. DreamFlyer99, that feeling of being totally alone, alienated from everything and everyone,  so far removed from myself is slowly oozing out of me... . the fear is slowly going, and i'm feeling more of a person... . more me... .

Have been reading about validating and invalidating, and about boundaries (both links i found here) are helping me. Correct me if i'm wrong, DreamFlyer99 - I have to validate him when he is hurtful and emotionally and verbally abusive but then invalidate his behaviour in my mind - step away from it. I also have to spend time on self-validation, to stay on an even keel.

I'm also learning a great deal from how others are dealing with issues which i too recognize in my husband.

Thank you for looking in on me, DreamFlyer99.

Lilibeth

[waverider]

- I have to validate him when he is hurtful and emotionally and verbally abusive but then invalidate his behaviour in my mind - step away from it.

You can choose to, and you can choose to remove yourself if it turns abusive. Where that line is your choice

You dont have to do anything, you can choose to... . small difference but it is more empowering if chose to do something rather than feel forced to... I know its only perception, but make perception work for you. It heightens self respect and lowers resentment.

When you are working on validation skills I find it easier and more effective if you concentrate on not invalidating him, validation comes naturally as a flow on effect. One mistake can wipe out a whole lot of good validation attempts. Often doing/saying nothing is better than risking invalidating.

Also going back to my first point it feels more like a choice when you focus on not invalidating, rather than feeling like you have to validate everything they say, and end up sounding like you just swallowed a copy of "Therapy 101".

"Less is more" & "enough is enough" are worth keeping in mind

[DreamFlyer99]

"Therapy 101"!

The validation thing is interesting, I do find I can more easily say now to my uBPDh that "ah--I see how that made you feel that way" when a very different conversation is happening inside my head.

Once I started accepting that my OWN feelings were valid it became easier to see where he could come at something from a totally different direction and perspective, and indeed feel quite opposite of me about the same thing.

He's in his quite dysregulated state at the moment, and I'm struggling to remember how to take care of myself in it. It's difficult when so much negative is being shoved at me, and he's mostly trying to make me See Things His Way! and not accepting that I don't always. And therein lies one of the difficulties with this type of r/s, the inability to have empathy for the person they're targeting with their hate of the moment.

He just had knee surgery on Tuesday, and he's been using the heavy opiates and supplementing them with rum and cokes. This has made for a most unpleasant dynamic in the home, to say the least.

I've had to develop some neutral expressions to have at the ready, because he's set off quite quickly and it's all aimed at me.

I guess all that to say, the more we practice the easier it gets to validate.

[waverider]

Being able to clearly identify your reality as different to theirs makes it easier to validate their view as you have compartmentalized it away from your own, so it is easier to be objective.

To do this though you have to first believe in your own reality as being worthy.

You can't support anyone else unless your own foundations are solid

[Lilibeth]

DreamFlyer99, i feel so much for you... . so much... . thing is that i find a total resonance of what i am going through in your words, as you struggle to stay afloat when he is in this terribly, terribly negative state... . and i know exactly how you are feeling, and what you are experiencing. Guess this is the way a battering ram works... . and it isn't easy to validate our feelings... . and keep on an even keel.

Waverider, thank you for putting things so succinctly. I know this may sound foolish... . What i am fighting to do is to regain my sense of self worth - once again believe that i am worthy - that i too have a reality.

Thank you too for telling me about choice, and "Less is more" & "enough is enough". I'm beginning to see the difference and the way it works.

Till i got your posts, DreamFlyer99 and Waverider, i have been just floundering... . am feeling stronger. Hope you feel the energies i am sending you, DreamFlyer99... .

[DreamFlyer99]

Ah... . blessings, Lilibeth, for the energies coming my way!

i did flounder a bit in the beginning of this big dysregulation, trying to find my solid footing again. i was just so angry with him for treating me badly and let all my new knowledge fly out the window! But once i could step back a bit and see that it was only making my life harder, i grabbed hold of my "do not engage" mantra and worked it. Thankfully i remembered more quickly than i have other times, and it did manage to have a diffusing effect on the situation. i would say we are bearing the r/s at the moment rather than cherishing it, but still that's better than pointless arguments and all the bad words he heaps on me if given a chance.

i know it still isn't the model of a good and normal r/s, i can't fool myself into thinking that, but at least it is less stressful today because i worked so hard to be calm and not buy into his baiting words last night and today.

If you can take the time to sit and ponder the things you know about yourself, Lilibeth, i think you'll be surprised when you see how many of them you have let go of just to survive in the r/s. And we want to thrive, not just survive. Think about what things are important to you, for instance in treatment of others, in relationships with others, things that you just plain enjoy. You'll likely find what i did, a shape forming that is who you are, the uniqueness of yourself. And it turns out, i kinda like me.

[waverider]

Ah... . blessings, Lilibeth, for the energies coming my way!

i did flounder a bit in the beginning of this big dysregulation, trying to find my solid footing again. i was just so angry with him for treating me badly and let all my new knowledge fly out the window! But once i could step back a bit and see that it was only making my life harder, i grabbed hold of my "do not engage" mantra and worked it. Thankfully i remembered more quickly than i have other times, and it did manage to have a diffusing effect on the situation. i would say we are bearing the r/s at the moment rather than cherishing it, but still that's better than pointless arguments and all the bad words he heaps on me if given a chance.

i know it still isn't the model of a good and normal r/s, i can't fool myself into thinking that, but at least it is less stressful today because i worked so hard to be calm and not buy into his baiting words last night and today.

If you can take the time to sit and ponder the things you know about yourself, Lilibeth, i think you'll be surprised when you see how many of them you have let go of just to survive in the r/s. And we want to thrive, not just survive. Think about what things are important to you, for instance in treatment of others, in relationships with others, things that you just plain enjoy. You'll likely find what i did, a shape forming that is who you are, the uniqueness of yourself. And it turns out, i kinda like me.

a sense of direction and purpose brings about a sense of self.

[Lilibeth]

How to thank you for these words, DreamFlyer99? 'If you can take the time to sit and ponder the things you know about yourself, Lilibeth, i think you'll be surprised when you see how many of them you have let go of just to survive in the r/s. And we want to thrive, not just survive. Think about what things are important to you, for instance in treatment of others, in relationships with others, things that you just plain enjoy. You'll likely find what i did, a shape forming that is who you are, the uniqueness of yourself.'

You've given me a path - something that i didn't have - though i had read that we need to take stock of our strengths and weaknesses, i didn't know how to go about it - your guidelines will help me do that. Thank you DreamFlyer99 - so much.

Waverider, please correct me if i'm wrong - is it that my deciding which way i want my life to go will give me a sense of self - adding it on to the pointers DreamFlyer99 has given me?