melt down, silent treatment and my lack of reaction - opinions?

[PeppermintTea]

Hi there,

dBPDh has been melting down slowly over the last 10 days or so. Over the last week he has been constantly touchy, barking orders at me and the kids like a drill sergeant and snapping at the slightest thing especially at the kids and making out like it's their problem not his. I've been gently telling him to cool it for over a week.

Anyway he started it this morning and I told him he has today to regulate his attitude (while me and the kids are out of the house at work and nursery) or he can book himself a stay in the safe spaces house for the weekend because his moods and anger issues are his problems to resolve not mine or the kids. I also finished by telling him I won't tolerate abuse. I love you.

That was it no further contact all day. Normally he texts me at least once a day but nothing. I have chosen not to text him because I need space from him in order to regain some perspective myself.

I think when I go home he will be upset i haven't text to ask if he is alright. My response to this will be that I respect him as an adult and I trust that if he needs my attention or reassurance he will ask for it. I will not second guess his needs or keep running after him.

Do I sound too cold?

I knew he would be upset today but chose not to text or call him in order to take care of my own needs regarding this situation.

I felt that if he really wanted reassurance or to talk about it he would contact me and I would then decide if I was in a frame of mind to have a conversation but he has chosen not to contact me.

He really needs to learn to self soothe. I am not letting him dump his anger on me or the kids anymore and he knows that from previous boundary setting.


Reading back this post sounds like I'm asking permission from somebody for reinforcing my own boundaries... . not sure why I feel I need this.

Any opinions gratefully received.

Thanks PT

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

It's ok to reinforce your boundries 

And possibly he took your request literally and has been going through his day trying to manage his own self. Personally, if I were you, I would expect silence from him tonight when he comes home. Best maybe to give him some space and let him process.

And best for you to sit with your discomfort and soothe yourself too.

And this is what I would do if I were able to come from my best calm self. Easier said than done a lot of the time.

[Grey Kitty]

No condiment will make a ___ sandwich taste good--enforcing boundaries is hard, firm work, and isn't easy on him either.

However being strong, firm, even hard isn't the same as being cold.

Not contacting him doesn't seem cold... . unless you are ignoring him reaching out to you.

He really needs to learn to self soothe. I am not letting him dump his anger on me or the kids anymore and he knows that from previous boundary setting.

You are correct about both statements. Please remember that there is a big difference between them:

HE picks his own schedule for learning to self-sooth; you have no input on that.

YOU choose not to let him dump anger on you or the kids. you can remove that choice from his menu.   Good work on doing it, BTW!

If you consistently do this, he has much more reason to learn better techniques of self-soothing... . but it is still his choice, not yours. Make sure you aren't doing things intended to "make him learn to self-sooth."

[PeppermintTea]

Thanks for the replies.

It wasn't as bad as I thought... . When we got home he spent time with the girls playing and helped with bedtime (not getting angry). He made dinner, did some ironing and is now washing the dishes... .

He isn't up for talking. I asked about his day but he said he did nothing. I don't think its silent treatment I think he is processing.

I also think he called his support worker today so beginning to use his tools and resources at crisis points.

I hope he feels better soon and I'm glad I enforced the boundary this morning. I think slowly it's sinking in that I really won't tolerate that anymore.

Thanks for the support folks

pT xxx

[zaqsert]

Well done, PeppermintTea!  It is hard enforcing these boundaries.  Although it is hard, it will help you, your kids, and even your husband.  Glad to hear it worked out well.