Competitive?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Were your Mom's competitive with you at all?

Wishing something she had something that you had. Sadly placing an importance on the superficitional.

My Mom actually told me a few years ago that she was measured up for a bra and that her cup size had gone up... (to a size she guessed was bigger than mine). Out of the blue from what I remember. My response... . 'err really?  '

Also competitive in an athletic way, trying to get you to do something that she knew she'd win.

I can remember several occasions where she would compare or say things to promote herself in some way.

(Mine is witch predominate).

[StarStruck]

Were your Mom's competitive with you at all?

Wishing something she had something that you had. Sadly placing an importance on the superficitional.

My Mom actually told me a few years ago that she was measured up for a bra and that her cup size had gone up... (to a size she guessed was bigger than mine). Out of the blue from what I remember. My response... . 'err really?  '

Also competitive in an athletic way, trying to get you to do something that she knew she'd win.

I can remember several occasions where she would compare or say things to promote herself in some way.

(Mine is witch predominate).

[delaney]

My mother isn't terribly competitive. But she's very materialistic. She has always made sure she has more/better than her kids. Which blows my mind. My kids are 11 and 12 and I always want better for them. I have always spent more money every month on them than myself (piano lessons, swimming, ballet, etc). They are better dressed than me. My mother would be very depressed about this and resent her children if this were the situation (and it never would be) but I'm happy it's this way. I want them to have a better childhood than I did. Right now they're on a really cool vacation with my (very sane) inlaws who have taken them out of the country (I would never ever trust either of my parents to take my kids out of the country! or anywhere for that matter). I've never been to where they are going but I'm thrilled for them.

I remember my step father talking about this. It always bothered him. He says one time my mother went shopping for my youngest sister's birthday and came back with three times as much stuff for herself as she bought for my sister. I told him that was normal... .

[Deb]

Not my mom, as she was a Non, but my dBPD sister. She was extremely competitive. She competed with me for MY friends even. One person told me she felt so uncomfortable when my sister was actively trying to get her to not be my friend, and be my sister's friend. And then there were other things. We bought a house in a certain area. She bought a bigger house. We bought a pickup because my husband needed it for work. My sister bought a bigger pickup. To sit in her driveway. We got a canopy for our pickup. She bought a better one. We bought a travel trailer. She bought a bigger one. My husband was a fisherman and bought a boat. My sister tried to buy a boat even though she gets sea sick. In the house we bought, it only has wood heat because it's so old. So we bought a newer stove. My sister bought a woodstove. To put in her modern, all electric mobile home. We used to joke about what we should get so my sister would have to get one too!  

[Sitara]

I think competition is just one way they deal with their insecurities.  Mine is overweight, so she would constantly talk about when she was younger she was way skinnier than I was, and more muscular too.  Which I'm not athletic and don't really care about muscles.  However, most of her competitions are more negative based.  Like, I would come to her with a problem and she would dive into how she had it so much worse.  Or point out some flaw of mine that is the reason for my problem and then tell me what she would have done.

Delaney, my mom is also very materialistic.  She has a lot of things, a lot of collections.  When we were younger though, she spent a lot of money on us kids (martyr: I sacrifice everything so you can have nice things!).  It wasn't until I left home that it became a situation where she gave herself better than me.  For example, there was a book series that she really got into and decided I should have the series too.  I was interested, but would have been fine just reading her copy when she was done, I didn't need to own them.  She wanted to buy herself the set in hardcopy; she bought me the paperback version.  The part about it that bothered me wasn't that she bought me the cheaper version - it's that she felt the need to specifically tell me that she was unwilling to buy me the hardcover because it was so much more expensive.  Thanks for pointing out I'm not worth the extra $15 once a year when the book came out.

[Contradancer]

VERY competitive UPDm! I lost weight, and now that I weigh less than her she has told me I'm too skinny and need to gain at least 10 to 20 lbs back--I'm  5'7" and weigh 160 with 10 - 15 lbs to go. She likes to flaunt that she has so many long-term friends (not really "friends" and tries to discourage me (when she can't pretend I'm friendless) from having friends, or berating me about how stupid they are (which they're not). The list goes on.

Yes, the Queen Witch really hates what she perceives as competition.

[StarStruck]

More stuff like... . upset I was more tanned? in the summer (because I was a child and was outside in the holidays whilst she was at work), my feet 1/2 size smaller... . yes guys... . just 1/2 a size?,  my hairs straighter?, that I'm slimmer (Im a different ruddy shape!). all the stuff I DIDNT value... . and shouldn't even begin to think of valuing (bad parenting), I was around 15 when she started all the above stuff. I found it very boring and disconnected.

Smacks of insecurity doesn't it.

The time I saw her before she was telling me her bra size, she told me how much weight she lost. Boring boring women. The joke is she projects saying how boring others are (prob cause they are not talking about that crap!)

It really is GET A LIFE.

Also yes mine materialistic to a point but more like if someone has something nicer that they are showing off. She will get drawer into that. I think shes pretty dissatisfied in general.

[Legacymaker]

YES, YES, YES!

My mother competes with everything and everyone.  One of the funniest examples I can offer comes from years ago.  I home educated my 3 sons.  When they were little, I would randomly call out a question to them, like what number comes after 25?  My mom would actually put her hand up and answer the questions before the kids could 

[StarStruck]

Legacymaker - that's hilarious! I laughed out loud  

Talking of funny... Have you read from Deb - the 'wood burning stove' bit

[Sdmfoster]

My mother was competitive with all of us daughters about weight - we are genetically short and round from all sides of the family, but as she loved to point out, she was so thin when she was pregnant the doctor told my father that he should plan the funeral (like that was a good thing and something we should aim for!) She also came down on us as soon as we passed the 135-pound mark, since she hadn't weighed any more than that ever.

She also competed with people in our church as to who was more spiritual and "right" - that's the justification she gave for the physical and verbal abuse - we weren't following the teachings well enough and it made her look bad!

[StarStruck]

She also competed with people in our church as to who was more spiritual and "right" - that's the justification she gave for the physical and verbal abuse - we weren't following the teachings well enough and it made her look bad!

Yea Sdmfoster they don't like it when you 'show them up' do they. I've had that where what I would do really reflected on her. I felt the pressure of that. I was really shy when I was little, I was me in a play aged 8, I had a part in it where I was on stage the whole time but no speaking and had to sign something at the end, like the end joke. I was so nervous I just hated being centre of attention. Looking back, great part for a teacher to try and get my confidence going and to have bit fun with it. At the end when I asked mom how I did, (teacher happened to be in front of us). Mom looked at me, then the teacher and said well you didn't really do anything did you in a bemused way . - crushing ! & the teacher was speechless. Like all her hard work gone to nothing.

Also remember when she asked me disgustingly if I was ok after I ran a race when I was 10. I said yea... . why?... she said my face looked like I was in pain (it actually embarrassed her in front of other parents - I was at sports day and I had to jog the the start of the race because the timings had been mucked up, so I was tired before I started) I should had said "yea I am friggin knackered, what do you expect, also sorry my face didn't please you"

I really do think BPD just think you as an extension of them and there to feel the gaps in their void. I felt mine tried to make herself better by using me to resolve her past/present insecurities (sure Ive read somewhere thats what happens.

[StarStruck]

Hi Contradancer

Yes, the Queen Witch really hates what she perceives as competition.

Yea this has made me rethink about moms disposition; I knew the witch bit and that they float between them but you're right here, with ref to mine; she swings between Witch and Queen. Oh the joys