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[debday]

My mother has BPD, and - this is so embarrassing!, my best friend of the past 5 years is also a BPD.  I feel like an idiot for having made that choice, thinking that it wasn't that bad, that we could have a decent friendship.  Not surprisingly, they are similar in that both are women with tremendous positive attributes, and are widely admired.  But then few ever see the explosions of rage, with accompanying horrible words.

I had major surgery 1 month ago.  After speaking daily for 5 years, K has not called once to see how I was doing/offer support.  In fact, she now says that she decided to "take a break", as the relationship is "all about you (me)."  [My perception is that there have been a lot a very good times, but that there has always been a significant imbalance, with the focus being more on her needs than mine.]

I am in a tremendous amount of pain, trying to recover from the surgery, the abandonment, and the abuse.  And the huge loss.

It is so confusing, and not something that most folks can/want to understand.  :)istance is helping, although the grief is pretty big.

[clairedair]

HI debday



I am sorry to hear that just when you really need her as you recover from major surgery, your friend has withdrawn her support.  I have read many stories here about people being left by their partners/friends just at the point that they really needed support and care and have experienced this too - so you are not alone and you are definitely not an idiot! 

You are in a very difficult place but it sounds as if you have some very good insight - noticing the similarities between your mother and friend; recognising that this huge loss is akin to a bereavement and needs to be grieved; your perception about the focus being more on her needs (despite what she tries to tell you).

The confusion of these kinds of relationships can be so draining and this is a time when you probably need your energy more than ever.  Do you have other people in your life who can support you just now?  I appreciate that it's very difficult for others, even those closest to us, to understand what this BPD-induced confusion and pain is like unless they have also been through it but I hope you at least have some people who can be of practical support at this time.

I can't say that anyone here knows exactly what you are going through - we're all unique and so are our relationships - but I can guarantee that most of us here have a good understanding of the kind of confusion you are feeling; the grief and emotional pain; the feeling embarrassed; the minimising the frankly unacceptable behaviours.

I found this article very helpful after my exH 'disappeared' (more than once) - it's written more for break-ups of romantic relationships rather than friendships but I think you may find that some of it resonates with you:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

If you are feeling up to it, you could read some of the posts on the Leaving Board - again, most of them will be written by people who have split from a spouse/partner but there are also people who are trying to heal from a friendship with a person with BPD:

Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD

I have suggested this board for now, however, it is possible that your friend may re-establish contact once you are feeling physically better (and therefore able to focus on her again!).  I am assuming she hasn't left/reconciled before because you've said you spoke every day for 5 years but you can correct me if I am wrong.

If she did wish to re-establish contact, how would that feel?

take care,

Claire

PS We don't use real names around here to preserve anonymity so you may want to just use your friend's initial in future.

[livednlearned]

Hi debday,

I wanted to join clairedair in welcoming you to bpdfamily. It does feel embarrassing to realize that we surround ourselves with the same type of disordered people who raised us -- this seems to be very common here, so you're not at all alone in this! It took me such a long time to realize the pattern.

Your story about surgery and your friend disappearing is similar to what my ex did when I had major surgery. He drank to excess and then got angry at me for being self-absorbed and not thinking about what he was going through, and how hard his surgeries had been, and how entitled I was to think he would just take care of me. 

How is your relationship with your BPD mom right now?