Planning to file a modification to restrict parenting time

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone!  I posted a couple of years ago but haven't in a while.  I have 3 boys ages 10, 8, and 6, and coparent with an ex (also female) who I believe to be BPD.  She is diagnosed as having PTSD and anxiety disorder but her behavior is unbelievable.  Anyway, to make a long story short (if that's possible . . . ) we separated 4 1/2 years ago and immediately her behavior became frightening.  I have been collecting evidence ever since, including recording phone messages (of her threatening me and the boys) and over 50 emails where she has threatened me or verbally abused me.  She also became a Jehovah's Witness, which, I know does not in and of itself suggest a mental disorder but her extremism has created lots of opportunities for alienation and opportunities for her to run on a power trip as she tries to enforce the many rules of this religion that I do not subscribe to.  She has also scared the pants off my kids in the process to the point that they won't even eat a cupcake on ANYONE'S birthday (much less their own). 

Soo, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to try to coparent with her (because my boys DO love her) but I am finally at the stage where I am just horrified and can take it no longer.  I met with a lawyer last week and she is planning to file a motion to restrict parenting time next week.  She is absolutely appalled by the volume of evidence that I have collected and the fear factor of it all.  She actually asked me in the meeting if I owned a gun (which I do not).  My lawyer did say that to win sole decision making (which I am seeking) and to restrict parenting time (which I would also prefer) we have to come out with guns blazing so she is putting the most damaging evidence in the order that my ex will see right away. I am posting again seeking some support as I am quite frankly terrified and worried about what is going to happen.

I know this is the right thing for my kids.  They love her to death but she is sick and is causing emotional damage so I MUST do something (as their therapist put it--she has basically backed me into a corner, I think this is common).  For the sake of my kids I will have to stand up to her and protect them, but in the moment they are going to be traumatized and it is sad.  Plus, I still feel a little sadness for her, because I am very sensitive that way.  Even though she has been so, so terrible to me . . . thoughts?

[mom23boys]

Hi everyone!  I posted a couple of years ago but haven't in a while.  I have 3 boys ages 10, 8, and 6, and coparent with an ex (also female) who I believe to be BPD.  She is diagnosed as having PTSD and anxiety disorder but her behavior is unbelievable.  Anyway, to make a long story short (if that's possible . . . ) we separated 4 1/2 years ago and immediately her behavior became frightening.  I have been collecting evidence ever since, including recording phone messages (of her threatening me and the boys) and over 50 emails where she has threatened me or verbally abused me.  She also became a Jehovah's Witness, which, I know does not in and of itself suggest a mental disorder but her extremism has created lots of opportunities for alienation and opportunities for her to run on a power trip as she tries to enforce the many rules of this religion that I do not subscribe to.  She has also scared the pants off my kids in the process to the point that they won't even eat a cupcake on ANYONE'S birthday (much less their own). 

Soo, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to try to coparent with her (because my boys DO love her) but I am finally at the stage where I am just horrified and can take it no longer.  I met with a lawyer last week and she is planning to file a motion to restrict parenting time next week.  She is absolutely appalled by the volume of evidence that I have collected and the fear factor of it all.  She actually asked me in the meeting if I owned a gun (which I do not).  My lawyer did say that to win sole decision making (which I am seeking) and to restrict parenting time (which I would also prefer) we have to come out with guns blazing so she is putting the most damaging evidence in the order that my ex will see right away. I am posting again seeking some support as I am quite frankly terrified and worried about what is going to happen.

I know this is the right thing for my kids.  They love her to death but she is sick and is causing emotional damage so I MUST do something (as their therapist put it--she has basically backed me into a corner, I think this is common).  For the sake of my kids I will have to stand up to her and protect them, but in the moment they are going to be traumatized and it is sad.  Plus, I still feel a little sadness for her, because I am very sensitive that way.  Even though she has been so, so terrible to me . . . thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

Since you gave birth to the children, I suspect her new religion would not necessarily view her as Mother, well, maybe if she contributed her eggs.  Legally she may be a parent listed on the birth certificate and have legal rights and support obligations as well, but that's not a religion issue.

The example you gave of not eating a birthday cupcake might not seem a huge issue in court.  I'm thinking it might be best to focus on the more impactful parenting misbehaviors.

A lot of the differences can be minimized to the children so it doesn't become such a big issue.  (Yes, that can be difficult to accomplish when dealing with a disordered other parent.)  I know there are some things in parenting my ex and I disagree on, and some of it is holidays.  For example, my child has said, "What are you getting me for {holiday}?"  My response can be something like, "Hmm.  I just gave you {video game system} or {video game} a couple months ago, should I have hidden them in a closet and waited a few months to give them to you?"  I always get, "No!"  So I reply, "I give you gifts throughout the year, so do you see how not getting a gift on a certain date or event doesn't mean you're deprived?"  The point is acknowledged.  So, keep in mind that something hugely disconcerting to you is, to a certain extent, seen as such in the eyes of one beholder but perhaps not another.  In my case I used tact and reasoning and my son saw the point and realized he wasn't deprived.

I hope I explained my perspective well.  Generally a religion itself is not an issue, and even those issues would be manageable between reasonably normal parents, the root problem is the person and how he or she wields it, that's the problem.

[mom23boys]

Forever Dad, are you a Jehovah's Witness?  Just wondering.  I am not suggesting that a difference in religion is an issue.  And in court I will NOT be focusing on religion as the main point of contention.  As a matter of fact, my lawyer says we must avoid it like the plague.  I would never bring up the cupcakes in court, but it is sad to me.  My kids are very afraid.  She has told them that Armageddon is coming any day now and I will be destroyed.  If that is not alienating to children then I don't know what is.  She tells them that I am wicked and influenced by Satan.  Her religion absolutely recognizes the kids as hers and is planning to support her with legal help and advice.   So I am sure there are JW's who would handle shared custody with an ex-partner with grace and support the children to feel safe and comfortable in both homes but she is not one of them.

Fortunately I have LOTS of other very damaging evidence against her that has nothing to do with religion.  She has just used her religion as another way to attack me and manipulate the children through fear.

What I am most afraid of is her reaction when I expose all of the things that she has said and done in the last 4 1/2 years.  I am very afraid for my safety and the safety of my children.  That is why I am asking for support.  And I still feel sad for her, which frustrates me!  Do others feel this way?

[livednlearned]

Unfortunately, there is no way to know how she is going to react.

I panicked when my lawyer put everything into the emergency order. Especially the part where it mentions my ex telling S12 that he (N/BPDx) wanted to borrow S12's baseball bat to beat me.  :'(

S12 had told me that, and I was worried about N/BPDx coming down on S12 for betraying him. My lawyer had to talk me off the ledge with that one, I was so scared for S12.

It's going to be scary, and there's no way to know how your ex will respond, but this is what it takes to put the spotlight on her behavior. It's important to get the behavior documented, and tell it factually.

Also, not sure what state you live in, but in some courts, using religion in divisive ways does fall under alienation. It sounds like that isn't the case where you live though.

There will be case law about it, if you can find it. Generally, a court tries to respect two different religious practices, but won't tolerate intolerance, if that makes sense.

[mom23boys]

Thanks livednlearned!  I'm really scared.  I'm planning to get my locks changed next week.  I don't think she has a key but I'm not taking any chances.  I don't think I'll even feel safe walking my dog alone in the morning anymore.  It's sad.

I got a draft of the document today and I was overwhelmed.  It is impressive.  She has basically summed up the chaos of my existence for the last 4 1/2 years in a succinct few paragraphs with lots of quotes--from emails, phone messages, conversations with my kids.  Even my girlfriend, who knows the whole story, was like "MY GOD she is screwed up!"  Anyway, I know that she is going to flip out.  My lawyer recommended that I warn the boys in therapy about what's about to happen.  We see a therapist on Friday afternoons that they're with me (every other week) and my lawyer is planning to time filing the document so that she receives it on a Friday before they're with me for the weekend (then they won't see her until the following Tuesday).  So she suggested that I tell the boys in therapy that mommy and I are having disagreements and that they may hear mean things about me when they see her (which they are quite familiar with) but that it's not OK and they don't have to believe them. 

I think using religion in divisive ways does fall under alienation in CO courts it's just hard to prove.  In the document my lawyer did include religion but not until the  last section.  She specifically cited the fact that she is dragging them to do door to door preaching (In CO apparently there is a precedent for this being considered unsafe as she quoted some cases).  She also mentions alienation and the boys' fear about Armageddon as well as teachings against homosexuality. 

[sfbayjed]

"She has told them that Armageddon is coming any day now and I will be destroyed"  That is really messed up.  I can relate. To my ex, she and the kids are the chosen ones and I am the outsider.  I think these types of ideologies are toxic and that is just my opinion. I respect you opinion. But,  using religious doctrine for purposes of parental alienation is pretty low. 

As far as being scared. I would not ignore that. You should trust your intuition.  I would be inclined to go hide somewhere for awhile when she is served with the papers. Disordered rages are very scary.  You know how far she can go, you have a sense. I think you should be very careful. 

[ForeverDad]

Armageddon was mentioned in the Bible nearly two millenia ago.  So the name and concept has been around for a long, long time.  However references to it can be used properly or improperly.  It can be handled well in discussions or it can be mishandled and distorted.  For example, I recall the movie Pollyanna (1960) about an orphaned girl (Hayley Mills) sent to live with her aunt and going to church where the preacher (Karl Malden) would rattle the hanging lights when thundering his negative sermons.  Eventually, he was softened by her always cheerful comments and by the end of the movie acknowledged there were a lot of mentions of love in the Bible too.  Balance is the key.  From the sounds of it, there isn't balance in this case, typical when dealing with the  perceptions and behaviors of people with BPD, NPD or other acting out PDs.  Armageddon and associated passages shouldn't be presented as a threatening message, rather one of hope for better times ahead.  The Bible is filled with promises of better times ahead.  That would be a better focus for her, especially considering the current situation.  Problem is, she may stay stuck in her negativity and not choose a moderated balanced path.

[mom23boys]

ForeverDad, there is no balance in the case.  My kids are very, very scared.  Sfbayjed, I am trying not to ignore my intuition. My lawyer says that if she has any sense she will behave and not act out once she is served.  However, I know that she is not capable of that.  Her church is supposedly providing her legal counsel but I'm wondering if they will run like hell when they see the documented evidence against her.  If they abandon her, and she has nothing, she will have nothing to lose.  That REALLY scares me.