photos and thoughts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I must say that I am very grateful for this site and all the people that post and support  each other here. It is very inspiring and comforting that I know at the end of the day or during a break I can read some inspiring words.

   I was going through my computer the other day and found some pics of my exBPDgf and it really gave me severe anxiety and troubles me. I had to close the folder straight away and haven't gone there since, I am going to get someone else to delete them. Was wondering if others have experienced this type of reaction? . I have to say if you haven't read my other posts I have undiagnosed PTSD but soon to be diagnosed. The movie projector in my mind brings up all kinds of disturbing things such as her promiscuity and deceitful cunningness .

   I suppose I am asking from others that suffer like I do some advice and kind words. And yes I am in the process of seeking therapy and getting help.


     Thanks in advance

[partyhat]

I must say that I am very grateful for this site and all the people that post and support  each other here. It is very inspiring and comforting that I know at the end of the day or during a break I can read some inspiring words.

   I was going through my computer the other day and found some pics of my exBPDgf and it really gave me severe anxiety and troubles me. I had to close the folder straight away and haven't gone there since, I am going to get someone else to delete them. Was wondering if others have experienced this type of reaction? . I have to say if you haven't read my other posts I have undiagnosed PTSD but soon to be diagnosed. The movie projector in my mind brings up all kinds of disturbing things such as her promiscuity and deceitful cunningness .

   I suppose I am asking from others that suffer like I do some advice and kind words. And yes I am in the process of seeking therapy and getting help.


     Thanks in advance

[Surnia]

Hi partyhat

I can relate with it. Looking at pictures can be very triggering and provoking. 

So be gentle with your self.

Seing a therapist and asking for support to work through the own anxiety is a good plan! 

[Perfidy]

Partyhat... I did get those kinds of feelings for quite a while. About a month ago I realized while I was looking at some old posts on Facebook that even if you block the older posts remain. I saw a profile pic that she had when she made a comment on one of my posts. At first it shocked me a little. Then I almost laughed. Looking at her picture I asked myself What the heck was I doing with that goofy person in the first place. Right now I really don't think I would be attracted to her.

So what I'm saying is... . It's gets better. I'm working my way out of the PTSD. Haven't had any contact with her in quite a while. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your mind on what's in front of you. Therapy can help you with your own issues but it takes a real change in lifestyle to avoid falling in those crappy relationships.

[Happy1]

Hey partyhat

I get those same reactions. Anxiety in my stomach and rapid breathing too. Yes, this is PTSD. I'm 25yrs out of my BPD r/s and if I check up on her on FB or something, I get depressed, sometimes for several days. It seems to start the whole cycle of thinking about her again. So, my advice is, don't look. Easier said than done, right?

When I do look, I think "How could she have 'made' it? How, did she pull it off, the family, the wonderfully restored home, etc?" These are the kinds of things that are portrayed in her FB postings. The thing you have to remember is, and this helps me a ton, 1) Pictures are just that, they're not necessarily the truth, even if you have old ones of you and her together. 2) You were an object, a set decoration just as everyone who ever comes in contact with your BPD will be. Why? For one, they're incapable of the kind of real empathy and love it takes to see you as otherwise and your role while you were involved with this person was most likely primarily to provide her with a distraction from her true self and the emotional wreck she is deep inside, while in photos presenting to the public/outside world/you that she's like or better than most. It deceit, deceitful of her true self and to you.

Don't beat yourself up and tempt yourself with looking. In the beginning I looked because I felt a huge loss and was in morning, today, to be honest, I look to see how little it hurts, as a means of gauging if I am getting better. The answer is, if you're looking, you've still not move passed that period.

Maybe unlike a lot of people here, I'll give you credit if you find it too hard to ever convince yourself to let that relationship go entirely. Keeping or tossing the pictures is your choice, do what you think is most helpful. You're allowed to live your life, even with some lingering and unresolved pain. It's okay, but try to manage it and to remain functional and derive happiness too. Maybe, give those pictures to a trusted friend to hang onto until you feel better about the r/s. You might find them meaningful and helpful down the road. To me, that's the best we can do when we consider life as moving on. Like a battle scarred soldier, never forget the trauma of the battle, but also find a way to make a life for yourself too.

[partyhat]

Thanks surnia and perfidy and yes perfidy I agree it is  a lot of hard work to work through our own issues but am prepared to do it. Have been really looking at my family of origin and have been quite shocked. I was trained for this by my parents,  my father I suspect was BPD my mother was an empath codependent,  my older brother is a psychopath ex special forces , my younger brother is a BPD I suspect and me I am codependent for sure. So I have a lot of work to do to build healthy relationships. The veil has lifted from my eyes quite a lot. Always knew my older brother was touched and not quite all there in the head I mean what sort of person enjoys killing. Now I understand why I couldn't have a good relationship with my father and younger brother now and why they used to enjoy hurting me. I look back at my life and wonder how I survived. I did so I must be strong or I would be dead. To give you an example I watched.my mpther die of a heart attack in my brothers lounge room and once she passed my younger brother beat me up ! And then at my mothers funeral my older psychopath brother made his eulogy about my mother all about him how touched in the head is that ? I will grow I am determined to as I have said in other posts I have come to know me more in the last month than in the last 10 years. Thanks BPD family I feel a part of this community.

[Surnia]

Hi partyhat

I really appreciate your courage to look at your own issues of your FOO. 

All I can say, keep going with it, with a qualified T and with sharing here on board. You deserve a life with healthier relationships as you had before. 

[eclectic]

Partyhat... I did get those kinds of feelings for quite a while. About a month ago I realized while I was looking at some old posts on Facebook that even if you block the older posts remain. I saw a profile pic that she had when she made a comment on one of my posts. At first it shocked me a little. Then I almost laughed. Looking at her picture I asked myself What the heck was I doing with that goofy person in the first place. Right now I really don't think I would be attracted to her.

Funny you say that, because to a third party, out of girls I dated my ex, does not rank in the top, not that she is bad looking, but she is very plain looking. Even to me she is a plain looking women, but the most beautiful women in the world at the same time, I don't what it is about them, that can make no other girl in the world matter to me, when she is around. Other girls I know, that knew the situation with her, seen pics of her, and they would say she is good looking, but not what I expected, the way you are about her, I thought she was going to be this bangin hot chick, and I tell them in my eyes she is.