Ideal/ devalue process

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Can someone explain to me how this works exactly? I know it's caused by a trigger, but it is something that occurs once through the entire relationship, I.e idealization for a period then coming down to devaluing then breaking up. Or is it something that can occur over and over going back and forth. My ex used to leave me sweet amazing notes just saying how wonderful I am then the next week he'd be making me out to be some cheating scoundrel. I never understood how I could go from one person in his mind one week to the complete opposite the next. I will attribute it to this "ideal/devalue" of BPD but it occurred several times throughout the corse of the relationship.

[CoasterRider]

Can someone explain to me how this works exactly? I know it's caused by a trigger, but it is something that occurs once through the entire relationship, I.e idealization for a period then coming down to devaluing then breaking up. Or is it something that can occur over and over going back and forth. My ex used to leave me sweet amazing notes just saying how wonderful I am then the next week he'd be making me out to be some cheating scoundrel. I never understood how I could go from one person in his mind one week to the complete opposite the next. I will attribute it to this "ideal/devalue" of BPD but it occurred several times throughout the corse of the relationship.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

It is totally a cycle. It will catch you off guard at you rmost vulnerable moments. My ex loved to devalue me and then be as sweet as cherry pie when I arrived home from work or the opposite. You will get used to it if you choose, but will never get over the tailspin of feelings you face every time it does.

I am not sure where you are at in your r/s I hope that you can find something beyond your person with BPD to keep you grounded and healthy.

Good luck, it is hard to process and I am two months out NC and have no desire to go back. Both my D4 and myself are seeing T to process and move on.

-OAC

[CoasterRider]

It's written into the history books now, been NC for almost 2 months, haven't heard from him either.

Just trying to retrace my steps and seeing more and more how BPD is explaining a lot of the dysfunction in that r/s.

[fromheeltoheal]

A BPD sufferer has an unstable sense of self, meaning who they are to themselves changes, sometimes minute to minute, and that has nothing to do with you.  Plus, sufferers are impulsive, and if they do something to soothe, meaning use a maladaptive coping mechanism like drugs, booze, sex, self mutilation, whatever, and then feel guilty or shameful about it, another maladaptive coping mechanism is to project that on you, make you the scumbag and the scapegoat, again, it has nothing to do with you.

Then there's the fear of abandonment, the core of the disorder.  If it appears to a sufferer that you have or are about to abandon them, they will look for other attachments, because abandonment means death, and will blame themselves, shame at the core of the disorder also, be uncomfortable with that shame, project it on you, and again make you a scumbag to justify their actions and allow them to feel better.

Whew!  Check out this article if you haven't and see if you relate: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

BTW, we are all impulsive, project and use maladaptive coping mechanisms at times, and a borderline is living in their own personal hell, so it's just maladaptive on steroids.

[Perfidy]

What I observed from a severely afflicted sufferer was rapidly alternating idealization and devaluation. It was a way of life for her. Just how she was. Almost zero object continuity. Another interesting fact: she would idealize me to other people while simultaneously devaluing me to me. Wanna talk crazy?

[Iwalk-Heruns]

From my experience I agree with all that was said about the idealization/devaluation cycles. They are not necessarily linear. From what I experienced once it does start it can vacillate back and forth and build intensity over time until it explodes into one final crescendo.

I also want to add that from what I have read and was definitely my observation they become bored very very easily. You are bright and shiney and everything they have been looking for in the beginning but after time your supply loses it's effect and they need something stronger ie newer. They do the infatuation stage very well but cannot seem to make that leap into a more in depth relationship.