Divorce Response - Do you call out the craziness?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 Brief update and looking for some feedback.  Married for 25 years to uBPDw.  Left her at beginning of December and moved out after deciding that I just had hit the point of no return and no amount of validation, etc. could remedy the situation.  3 kids aged 20,18,16.  She finally filed for divorce at at end of December/beginning of January.  Of course she had probably threatened to do so hundreds of times over the last 10 years.  Reading through her petition first got me upset and then amused as she claimed that her living expenses were more than the two of us combined bring home in a month, followed by a request for sole legal custody of the kids.  Really, the mother who cannot get her kids to school on time wants sole decision making power for them?

So now the time has come for my L to send the response.  My quandary is that he wants to go back at her seeking sole legal custody in my favor, due to her psychological / psychiatric disorders which make her behavior unpredictable and erratic and requesting a GAL, even though the youngest is almost 17.  As anyone who has lived with a pwBPD knows that is certainly a true statement.  That being said to put it in writing will likely make a nuclear test seem like a firecracker when the STBX hears it.  And yes, I guess even deep down as much as I am angry about the damage that she has caused to my family and myself in the past 25 years, I really have no desire to completely destroy her.  I just want to be able to be at peace as much as possible going forward in my life.  Yes I realize I will always deal with her in some ways because of our children together, but I am done having holidays and events ruined because of her actions.

I have pretty much accepted that any chance of settlement with the STBX is unlikely and we will probably end up either at trial or settling on the courthouse steps.  So do I tell my L to press the bid red button?

[ugghh]

 Brief update and looking for some feedback.  Married for 25 years to uBPDw.  Left her at beginning of December and moved out after deciding that I just had hit the point of no return and no amount of validation, etc. could remedy the situation.  3 kids aged 20,18,16.  She finally filed for divorce at at end of December/beginning of January.  Of course she had probably threatened to do so hundreds of times over the last 10 years.  Reading through her petition first got me upset and then amused as she claimed that her living expenses were more than the two of us combined bring home in a month, followed by a request for sole legal custody of the kids.  Really, the mother who cannot get her kids to school on time wants sole decision making power for them?

So now the time has come for my L to send the response.  My quandary is that he wants to go back at her seeking sole legal custody in my favor, due to her psychological / psychiatric disorders which make her behavior unpredictable and erratic and requesting a GAL, even though the youngest is almost 17.  As anyone who has lived with a pwBPD knows that is certainly a true statement.  That being said to put it in writing will likely make a nuclear test seem like a firecracker when the STBX hears it.  And yes, I guess even deep down as much as I am angry about the damage that she has caused to my family and myself in the past 25 years, I really have no desire to completely destroy her.  I just want to be able to be at peace as much as possible going forward in my life.  Yes I realize I will always deal with her in some ways because of our children together, but I am done having holidays and events ruined because of her actions.

I have pretty much accepted that any chance of settlement with the STBX is unlikely and we will probably end up either at trial or settling on the courthouse steps.  So do I tell my L to press the bid red button?

[Waddams]

Is it just custody of the 16 y/o?  Who will be 17 soon.  And will likely be 18 before the case is over with?  Aren't the 18 and 20 y/o's legal adults and not part of the custody fight?

I believe what you are asking is this:  Is it worth it to make a custody fight?  Not sure, but definitely seems like a rather extreme step in your case.  Of course, dealing with BPD's everything gets extrreme whether we want it to or not!

With a child that will likely be 17 before you get in front of a judge, is it likely that the judge will ask the 17 y/o "where do you want to live?" and let that be the end of it?  Is the it likely to come down to that for the GAL as well?  I think it's a good bet.  So why not just ask the youngster yourself and put it in the paperwork? Of course, that means the child will have to pick between 2 parents, and that's got all kinds of issues in it all by itself.

I do think it might be worth asking them where they want to go though?  And then respect their decisions, and move the case focus to getting a resolution that leaves you in the best possible position to start a new life when it's all done.

[ForeverDad]

A few thoughts... .

• As already noted, the divorce will take it's own path no matter how much you continue tiptoeing on eggshells.



• She is an adult, let her face her consequences.



• Being 'nice' by not shining light on the issues and not revealing the full truth or at least the major parts of it to the court can backfire (if all the court has presented to it are her emotionally persuasive lies and distortions then what will the court believe?) and turn out to be self-sabotaging.



• While not going out of your way to trigger her unnecessarily, you do need to be assertive, proactive and set firm positive  boundaries.

Divorce is not about being nice.  That's the wedding, honeymoon and marriage.  Divorce is best done in a businesslike manner, sadly, emotions will distract and detract from what must be done.  We already know you won't be an ogre about it, we just don't want you eaten alive by her.  She won't reciprocate your niceness, as we see evidenced thus far.  In short, being overly nice will hurt you.  As Richard Warshak wrote in his introduction to Divorce Poison, taking the noble 'high road' of silence will hurt more than it will help.

[ugghh]

Thanks for the timely response.  Yes the 16, soon to be 17 year old will want to live with me most of the time and seems excited by the prospects.  From a custody standpoint the 18 and 20 year olds can do what they want but they both count for child support for the next 5 months basically.

It is hard to fight against my natural tendencies.  Despite what STBX says almost everyone who knows me considers me a pretty nice guy.

[livednlearned]

Usually it's the BPD person who stalls the divorce. But given the age of your son, maybe it's in your favor to slow things down? Like Waddams says, your 16-year-old is the one that the court would focus on, and it's not unrealistic to think that a BPD divorce will actually take 18 months.

I didn't want a parenting coordinator assigned to our case because I didn't want a third-party professional involved, mostly out of fear. I delayed it 9 months and didn't even get raised eyebrows from the judge, even though N/BPDx said my behavior triggered his psychotic episode.

Maybe talk to your lawyer about the monkey wrench approach -- being wary that your lawyer may not understand BPD, and may not understand why a delay could be advantageous for you.

[sfbayjed]

She like a fire, is what she is, but she is a fire with a purpose and that is to burn You. Being nice is like pouring gas on the fire fanning it and making it grow. While, on the other hand setting boundaries, limiting contact and appearing as boring as possible to her, you can hopefully contain the fire in time.   

[Nope]

I don't see any reason to get a GAL for a normally functioning near 17 year old. And agree ding down the road to get one is something her side can bring up and you can "give in" about. I agree with others that it is in your best interest to drag it out and not try to play nice. Always be fair and reasonable but never nice. If there are things the court needs to know to make an informed decision then it's up to you to make sure all facts are known. If you are going to call her out on BPD then be sure you can either back it up with documentation or are prepared to ask the court to have both parties evaluated.

Also, be sure to mention in your Response the ages of all three kids and that the youngest wants to live with you. The other two are adults and can probably testify on their own behalves if they so choose.

[sanemom]

I don't quite understand where you are in the process, but our strategy has mostly been to hold as much as our information in our hands until absolutely necessary and then KAPLAM at the most strategic moments.  It probably is not strategic to let you know what you are thinking or holding in your hand at this point--save it for the judge.  Let her try to guess.

But I also agree with the others…drag it out if you need to…the 16 year old is almost done.

[Nope]

I don't quite understand where you are in the process, but our strategy has mostly been to hold as much as our information in our hands until absolutely necessary and then KAPLAM at the most strategic moments.  It probably is not strategic to let you know what you are thinking or holding in your hand at this point--save it for the judge.  Let her try to guess.

I've found that strategy can work for or against you. If the BPD fears looking bad in court you can sometimes get a settlement on the court house steps if they know up front that you aren't going to be a pushover and intend to bring the big guns. Even if the BPD doesn't get the picture, their lawyer will and my realize that a client is working against their own best interests.