I have very few memories...

[bright_future_mama]

I was just wondering if any of you notice how limited your memories of childhood are?  My husband can remember in finite detail all kinds of things and I just don't... . As I mentioned in a recent post, I recently found a box of all kinds of childhood memorabilia and I drew blanks at a lot of it.  I even found letters begging my mother to stop acting like she was but I don't remember writing them.  Is poor memory of childhood a product of growing up like we did?

[Sitara]

My husband had a pretty traumatic youth but he doesn't remember anything before the age of 18 minus a memory here or there.  I remember much of my youth, but during one particularly depressing period, I don't remember much.  But in general, I think my memory of my childhood is about as spotty as average - I remember some good and some bad, but definitely not everything.  I wonder if it has more to do with the type of abuse?  For example, most of the emotional abuse I suffered I didn't realize it was abusive (i.e. backhanded compliments), and I do have memories of those things.  But during the traumatic period I mentioned above, I knew at the time things were bad and most of the time I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear.  Memory is an odd thing.

[StarStruck]

Hi bright_future_mama

I was always trying to work my Moms twisted logic out so ended up retaining the info. I think I put stuff in a box in my head that I couldn't resolve then I started working it out when the knowledge/answers came. It really pees my Mom off.

The only thing I know of here; is that I have read that children of NPD parents can have few memories of when they were little (unsure of BPD). I have known people to use hypnotherapy successfully if it is something in particular that wants to be remembered.

[Legacymaker]

I have zero memories before the age of 5. My biological father left when I was 4.  He recently told me he remembers the day he decided to leave, I was clinging to his leg, crying and begging him to stay.  I have no memories of his life with us.

My early memories are all of school days (teachers, school events, bullies and friends) very few involve family.  A lot of my older memories are also very filtered.

I have tried to use photos to recollect them but there is definately a mental block.  I was really active in school and sports.  My brother and I excelled at everything but there is little to show for it.

We traveled a lot.  My parents took hundreds of photos of nonsense scenery, yet there are only a handful of photos of my brother and I. Most of them show very sad children.  Usually our parents just had a major fight, my brother and I would be puffy eyed from crying, then we were encouraged to smile and pretend everything was okay.  Or, I recall the event with my mother telling my step father to put his arm around us (although he says it now, I didn't hear the words "I love you" or have him hold me, throughout my childhood)

When I do find a photo, if I ask my mother about it, she usually ends up spewing about how awful my father, my step-father, her mother, her father or my brother was to her.  Basically, I've quit asking about the photos and stories there is never anything positive to hear.

I was writing in my journal today and contemplating the photo thing.  I am a wanna-be-photographer and avid scrapbooker.  I document nearly every detail of our lives.  Yes, I think it is a form of therapy, but I also genuinely love taking photos of my family. I am incredibly proud of my 3 sons and my husband.  I want them to look back on their lives with pride. I am known as the Mammarazzi to their friends and my husbands family just expects that I will gather the family photos when we are together.  Nearly every memorible photo on both sides of our marriage, has come from my ability to photo document our lifes journey. 

One of my mothers latest "digs" is to say that I use photos to show off my life.  She has recently been mentioning the lack of childhood photos by saying there was no money to develop them, however we were one of the weathiest families in our community.

As for the memories, they seem lost to the universe.  My life started the day I met my husband 32 years ago!  From that point on, I never want to forget anything!

[delaney]

I actually have pretty good memories. I am the only one who remembers my parents first divorce when I was five. They remarried after about a year apart. What's strange is that I have memories I thought were pretty good memories, but then I realize later how messed up they were. It's like a whole shift in my thinking and it's very disconcerting. For a long time I wondered if I was the problem, if I was misremembering, if I was rewriting history, if I was just looking for things to be mad about. I'm sure my mother would remember things very differently, or have a different take on it. But I'm not crazy. I KNOW some stuff that happened that was deeply hurtful and damaging.

[delaney]

Seriously, how the hell do you edit a post?

I meant that I have a good memory in that I have lots of memories from when I was pretty young.

[StarStruck]

delaney hi, after you post on screen, you should see to the top right a Modify button on the post. Think it's on for 20 mins after you post, hope helps.

Failing that you could mail one of the advisors - listed top of screen under your name in the blue bit

[delaney]

No, I don't have anything like that, even looking at posts I just made. I'm in Chrome, maybe it doesn't work in this browser. It really should be easier to modify. I just keep typoing all over the place.

[Tightrope walker]

I remember very little of my childhood.  I think it was the trauma of dealing with a verbally and physically abusive father.  I too remember more about school, other peoples' houses, etc than my own family memories.  I think that it was the only way I could survive was to put the experiences far, far away from my memory! 

                                                                         Tightrope walker

                                                                           

[piglet59]

This is a good question, I do have good recall about my healthy parent and some of the more harmful things my dBPDS did to me, but although I know my uBPDMom was in the house I can't tell you anything about it, like she just didn't exist.  I remember wandering away from home alot and grown ups bringing me home who said I shouldn't be out on my own.  I also drank drano apparently because no one was watching, took several months to heal from that one.  Not a mention in my baby book but photos of events where I too look unhappy but the story line was how happy we were.  Anyone else heard of this?

[Legacymaker]

Piglet,

I have heard the stories of me wondering away (before the age of 2) only to be found by the neighbors, playing near the road or railway tracks.  I overdosed on Contact capsules when I was about 3 and I burned the soles off of me feet around the same age, after walking across hot tar.  My mom says the house burned down when I was 9 months old because she was busy talking to me, a grease fire started and she used my full potty chair to try to put it out.  Oil and water have never mixed 

Pretty serious challenges, long before I was old enough to question the validity of the stories.  My baby brother had a concussion by the time he was 7 months.  I would say there was a good chance somebody was not paying much attention!

[bright_future_mama]

So amazing that we have so many of the same stories!  I have had people in my town come up and tell me that they had to call Child Protective Services because I would be wandering around the apartment complex by myself.  At around 2 I think!  My mother is so self absorbed and I've never seen someone without a job have so much to do.  And she had a maid... . I don't know what my Mom did all day. 

When she does come over, she doesn't help with my kids at all.  It's always under the guise of helping but never really happens.

[MammaMia]

I have big gaps in my memory more when it comes to my 20 year marriage than my childhood.

I am certain now my exh was uBPD as well as alcoholic, and he had PTSD from VietNam.   Life was so out of control, I worked full-time at a very demanding job while trying to keep my children safe and be both mother and father to them.  My ex was emotionally absent except when he raged and that was daily.  The result is that our son is now dBPD and he blames me.

My kids often remind me of things that I either do not recall or have to search my memory very hard to remember.  One thing I will never forget is being so physically and mentally exhausted that I literally thought I would die.

I believe the brain has a way of trying to protect us from harmful memories.  Thank God.

[Eureka1]

I have a very spotty memory of my childhood.  I remember the drama, when my uBPD sis would threaten to kill herself or run away from home.  People say I have a good memory of times in college but my memories until 18 are spotty.  Even when people mention things, such as group babysitting, I Really do not remember it.