Will I ever really know?

[cowl022]

   Ive been reading "Boomerang Love"  and its helping me gain new understanding into the BPD experience. My BPD rs ended last August. The thing is Ive been attempting to understand

Why it ended the way it did? I had been with my

Ex BPD gf for a little over a year. During that time I experienced what its like to be with someone with BPD for the first time. I started my research on BPD around the last couple of

Months we were together. Thats around the time she divulged the fact that she was diagnosed with the disorder for the first time to me.  My main issue and the reason Im still struggling to let go of trying to figure certain things out is mainly because I received hardly

Any closure. After a little over a year of me never giving up on her and loving her unconditionally she simply walked out on me, blocked me from her phone, and all social media accounts. When I attempted to conmunicate through correspondance she tried to place a restraining order on me. What Im attempting to figure out is: Was she trying to turn the table on me? Was she trying to make me believe that I was the one with an issue? I

Started to think that what happened was my fault even though it was always clear that shes

The one with the disorder.  Was she trying to feel better about herself by trying to make it seem like I was such a horrible person that she

Just walked away and blocked me, and then attempted to place a restraining order because

I had sent her letters. I loved this person unconditionally. I never gave up on her, and in the I was the one who was given up on from one day to the next. Its mind boggling to me.

Maybe she found a replacement... . maybe not. Who knows?  Will she attempt to make contact again? Does anyone recognize this pattern of behavior? How can I protect myself... . How can I start to truly heal when I was left with so many unanswered questions? Im just trying to understand why she left the way she did. I still feel that she wanted to make it seem as though I was the problem.  Anyone have a similar experience?  I could def use some insight on this.

[santa]

Whenever people ask about a possible recycle, "how they can protect themselves", how long until she'll call, if her "replacement" relationship is going to fail, etc., it always seems like wishful thinking.

Do you really want to go down that road again? It's just going to bring you right back here. Don't you want to find someone else that hasn't hurt you so badly?

I feel like you're selling yourself short by retaining any interest in this woman. She's no good, man. Don't put yourself through this.

[Perfidy]

Cowl022... . I know it hurts man, it really sucks. I can understand your pain. A restraining order is a pretty loud statement. Justified or not. The one sided sentiment is typical for a pwBPD. You aren't responsible for what she does. Nothing she does has even the slightest reflection on you. She's doing what she's doing because of her not you.

[cowl022]

I appreciate your words Santa. The thing is I really dont want to be with her at all. I havnt even seen or spoken to her since last August. Im just trying to figure out if its typical behavior

for them to make it seem that there is something wrong with you... . in order to make themselves feel better.  I know its been months since I last saw and spoke to her but I cant help to try and understand if this was the case. Does it sound lile it lilely would be?  Like I said... . I was left with so many unanswered questions. If sh. Tries to contact me I will obviously ignore her, but my question is... . is it likely that she will based on the disorser? Is it typical after so

Many months of nc?  Again this is the first time I deal with something like this. I met a therapist from NY who deals specifically with this disorder in women and she warned me she would simply leave.  I didnt believe her until it actually happened. Im trying to understand the reasons as to why this happens.

[cowl022]

Thanks Perfidy. Sometimes I start thinking that Maybe I did something wrong, like theres something wrong with. I ask myself: "Why did she just walk away from me like that."  Reality kicks back in and Im reminded that shes the one with the disorder. I have found myself thinking about this too much at times. I know I need to stop, but the unanswered questions keep gnawing at me. It sucks. I wish I wouldve walked away when I was given the advise to d. So. The thing is... . how do you walk away from something you love?  I never thought it was going to be done to me. Its been really tough to heal from this because of the unanswered questions and because I know I didnt do anything to have deserved it.

[cowl022]

Santa youre right. In the grand scheme of things shes not worth it.  Its just painful to have to be hurt by someone you genuinely cared for and never gave up on.  Only to find that theyve given up on you.

[myself]

I'm just trying to figure out if its typical behavior for them to make it seem that there is something wrong with you... . in order to make themselves feel better.

Yes. It's one of their go-to moves. When it happens, you're off the pedestal, and so are they. But, their pain doesn't go away. Since it was your fault last time, it'll be your fault next time. Even though they know that doesn't work. When a pwBPD doesn't like what they see in the mirror, they don't fix themselves, they break the mirror.

[Waifed]

Cow

It is a good question. Does anyone know why they resort to calling the police after a breakup?  Are they afraid you are nuts?  Can they not tell you to leave them alone?  Are they afraid you will expose them to the replacement?  I always thought it was for control, they are angry or they fear being exposed. My ex called the police after I said some ugly things to her and then sent her foreign f@ck buddy an email telling him about BPD. Never thought she would ever do something crazy like that. I personally thought mine was afraid of being exposed.

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I lived with my pwBPD for 7 years. I enjoyed those years immensely. I'll venture an answer to your query.

Women with BPD do-not-do unconditional love well (for a host of reasons). There is a predatory vengeful aspect to many of them. It often relates back to the childhood abuse that occurred at the hands of a male. It's virtually hard-wired within them to punish male weakness in intimate relationships, because it re-plays the abuse cycle in the most delicious of ways. To them unconditional love is the equivalent of being a doormat and they will destroy the ones they love. The twisted part is that they actually crave that type of love, nurturing, but that leads into... .

They feel unworthy of unconditional love because they feel unlovable. They are ashamed of their needs, and believe that those needs make them unworthy of love. When you unconditionally love them, it triggers their shame.

Therefore they cannot return unconditional love in a linear fashion. Black and white thinking is the opposite of unconditional love. Unconditional love is all about shades of gray. It is a nuanced selfless love that excuses extreme behaviors. Because they cannot return that love they feel shame, about being alien.

Finally, many of their needs cannot be met via unconditional love. Certain needs are better met when they can use or be used by a person who does not care about them. Unconditional love often does not soothe them in the same way that a darker presence will. When they're with a good guy that triggers shame.

I'll speculate that she did what she did, because in a bent way she was protecting you from herself. She has hurt others before, and by creating a definitive, cruel break she was telegraphing her innate nature to you. In essence she was telling you to run. She didn't want to protract the pain which she knew she would eventually cause. It was cleaner. More surgical

IMO unconditional love when in a committed relationship with a pwBPD is just hammering nails in the coffin. They require unconditional love that has conditions--a paradox. Just my opinion--hope it helps. Remember, all things change.     

[fromheeltoheal]

Hear this cowl: it has nothing to do with you, and trying to figure out her motives and how they fit in our reality will drive you crazy.  Much easier to accept that she has a personality disorder and it is what it is, as sobering as that is to accept.

One paradox of the disorder is the push/pull psychic dance.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, so a borderline seeks attachments to alleviate that fear.  But once you get too close a sufferer feels engulfed, meaning they lose themselves in who you are, not hard to imagine when you accept a sufferer does not have a fully formed self of their own.  She would never tell you she's feeling engulfed though, or chant the old cliche 'I need some space', because she can't articulate it and isn't aware of it consciously, it's just a feeling she doesn't like, most likely blames herself and feels shame, to cope with that she projects and/or blames you for whatever and leaves.  Borderline pathology always needs a scapegoat and you're it, which serves double duty of offing any responsibility onto you and makes it easier for her to leave, which has absolutely nothing to do with you, what you did, what you said, and you couldn't have done anything differently that would have had an impact because all of it is between her ears.

Another component is that she was convinced, CONVINCED you would leave before she even met you, because everyone leaves, not in reality but within the pathology, the core of the disorder.  So intimacy, emotional closeness, is triggering on a number of levels, but partly because why get so close when you're just going to leave anyway?  And when she's triggered she is driven by her emotions and will do whatever to feel better.  Nothing to do with you.

Whew!  Babbling... .

[buddy1226]

Good stuff everyone. I needed this thread.

Cow, you and I have the exact same SO. It's scary how you just described my story. We split in October and I called her about two weeks ago for the first time. Huge mistake. I got a cal from the cops the next day telling me not to contact her. I am stil married to this crazy B! Talk about pissing you off. I had been NC  this whole time and called once!

I don't know much because I'm new here but I've read an awful lot about BPD and I think we just have to accept that they are messed up and that's the way it is. If we try to reason with them or even have any contact we are going to get pain in one form or another. The way they use the cops is scary and something I underestimated despite tons of warning flags. I'm facing trumped up CDV charges that are complete BS because she called the cops during an argument. She did this alot. This time she had bruises  (from where I'm not sure but have suspicions) on her upper arms. The two women cops asked if I did them and she said yes eventhough she swears the told them no.

I loved her too. I adored her to a fault. She treated me like absolute sh!t and made a compete ool out of me and discarded me on a dime. This was the second time the did this. (not the fake charges, the splitting). She threw me out after  days of marriage and I was devastated. She triangulated the relationship with her child's father also. It was pure hell. Yet I still long for her and miss her while at the same time I'm so mad at myself for not walking out on her crazy ass like everyone told me to. It's maddening! But I think we are trying to apply reason and normalcy to people that are the farthest thing from normal. Mine completely destroyed my life and has enjoyed it, i believe. I can't imagine what that must feel like to them, I hope it is a living hell for them to have to deal with.

[cowl022]

Thank you for the clarity everyone. Im taking all that you have written to heart.

[Ironmanrises]

Fellow Superhero,

What you experienced is idealization, devaluation and discard. She may very well reappear in your life to restart that process I mentioned above. And if you allow this, it will hurt even more second time around. I am really sorry you experienced that. We all know exactly how you feel. Hang in there.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I lived with my pwBPD for 7 years. I enjoyed those years immensely. I'll venture an answer to your query.

Women with BPD do-not-do unconditional love well (for a host of reasons). There is a predatory vengeful aspect to many of them. It often relates back to the childhood abuse that occurred at the hands of a male. It's virtually hard-wired within them to punish male weakness in intimate relationships, because it re-plays the abuse cycle in the most delicious of ways. To them unconditional love is the equivalent of being a doormat and they will destroy the ones they love. The twisted part is that they actually crave that type of love, nurturing, but that leads into... .

They feel unworthy of unconditional love because they feel unlovable. They are ashamed of their needs, and believe that those needs make them unworthy of love. When you unconditionally love them, it triggers their shame.

Therefore they cannot return unconditional love in a linear fashion. Black and white thinking is the opposite of unconditional love. Unconditional love is all about shades of gray. It is a nuanced selfless love that excuses extreme behaviors. Because they cannot return that love they feel shame, about being alien.

Finally, many of their needs cannot be met via unconditional love. Certain needs are better met when they can use or be used by a person who does not care about them. Unconditional love often does not soothe them in the same way that a darker presence will. When they're with a good guy that triggers shame.

I'll speculate that she did what she did, because in a bent way she was protecting you from herself. She has hurt others before, and by creating a definitive, cruel break she was telegraphing her innate nature to you. In essence she was telling you to run. She didn't want to protract the pain which she knew she would eventually cause. It was cleaner. More surgical

IMO unconditional love when in a committed relationship with a pwBPD is just hammering nails in the coffin. They require unconditional love that has conditions--a paradox. Just my opinion--hope it helps. Remember, all things change.     

I just broke down in tears reading this.

[hybridax]

Dude your gf sounds EXACTLY like mine. seriously everything you are going through I am as well, except fo the restraining order thing.  We were broken up for 8 months, then this past September, she apologized(for the first time ever)cried, and sold herself to me that she wanted to be with me, move with me for my new job and start a new life together.  Well, I knew what I was getting into, and 4 weeks later she is no longer in love with me, but is in love with the guy she drove 2000 miles across the country to live with... . I havent heard from her since.  She has deleted me from her life and all I did, like you, is love her and care for her.  I went through all the same things, I actually believed that it was me that pushed her away by caring to much? I know ill never get any closure from her about why she did what she did.  But from reading these forums it has really helped me alot and it will help you too. 

I still miss my ex immensely, hell I still love her and care about her.  Ive tried reaching out a few times and now I get the phone rings once and goes straight to voicemail so im pretty sure she has blocked my number.  But I have accepted the fact that there is nothing I can do with this situation.  The closure and reasons you seek from her, that you feel you need her to tell you why... . it probably wont happen.  And even if it does, it will probably be full of BS and you will buy it like I did because of how we feel about our exes.  I know it really sucks to go through this, but if she wants to talk to you or wants to give you any reasons, she knows how to get in touch with you.  I think the way BPDs end relationships and run away from the people that love them and cut them off is extremely cruel.  Why cant people just be adults and "talk?"  At the end of the day, it is what it is.  You'll find more answers here than anywhere else.

[arn131arn]

I appreciate your words Santa. The thing is I really dont want to be with her at all. I havnt even seen or spoken to her since last August. Im just trying to figure out if its typical behavior

for them to make it seem that there is something wrong with you... . in order to make themselves feel better.  I know its been months since I last saw and spoke to her but I cant help to try and understand if this was the case. Does it sound lile it lilely would be?  Like I said... . I was left with so many unanswered questions. If sh. Tries to contact me I will obviously ignore her, but my question is... . is it likely that she will based on the disorser? Is it typical after so

Many months of nc?  Again this is the first time I deal with something like this. I met a therapist from NY who deals specifically with this disorder in women and she warned me she would simply leave.  I didnt believe her until it actually happened. Im trying to understand the reasons as to why this happens.

Yep, Cowl... . pretty typical.  I got my grand prize winner of a restraining order today

[huhhuh]

Women with BPD do-not-do unconditional love well (for a host of reasons). There is a predatory vengeful aspect to many of them. It often relates back to the childhood abuse that occurred at the hands of a male. It's virtually hard-wired within them to punish male weakness in intimate relationships, because it re-plays the abuse cycle in the most delicious of ways.

Yes... This sounds familiar. My ex hated her father and clearly needed validation and love from him as a child. She then projected the hate onto me and most likely is doing the same to my replacement.

Would it help them if they went to therapy for their issues with their father? Both the abuser (them) and the victim (us) have a common enemy. I see a couple of benefits here. We can avoid the whole blaming game since they never will admit to have problems. But with a common enemy everybody wins, right?

[chuckstrong]

Conundrum

As usual you nailed it 100 percent. She told me early

on in the honeymoon stage " I need to warn you all my

relationships end badly and I end them all" I said no way

sweetie not this time. Wow. How wrong I was.

Also, months after our break up ( sept 2012) she said the

following in an email--- " you always gave me unconditional

love, positive energy, attentiveness, forgiveness, kindness,

caring, support, and pure joy. These were things I never got

from my parents" ... . So, you are absolutely correct in that

she just didn't ever have a way to accept my unconditional love

and she seeks out those that are not close as that prevents her

feeling in danger. Typically in these relationships the devaluation

starts when they feel to close to you. In order to protect themselves

they discard you so you don't hurt them and let them down like

the people that were supposed to love them the most in thier own

childhood.

Conundrum I love reading your posts you

always strike a chord with me because all the

things you mention are so in target and so similar

to what I experienced it's amazing.

Thank you and everyone here.

Chuck

[cowl022]

Ive spent time re reading this thread. Thank you all so very much. I really needed it. It all struck strong chords with me.

[LilMissSunshine]

cowlo22... . For over a year I suffered the accusations from my exBPDbf that it was I with the problem.  That I had BPD.    What the he. is that, I wondered?  That's when my research started and boy oh boy did he have it WRONG.  For well over a year this debate went on.  Finally, during our last recycle at the beginning of this year he finally admitted he was wrong about his diagnosis of me.  Pweh.  We ended the convo that night with him finally agreeing to get help, as we had pretty much determined it was he, in fact, with the disorder.  He told me how much he loved me and that he wanted our relationship to work.  I left to go home and within two hours he was rage texting me, flipped me black and discarded me.  I haven't heard from him since, except for 7 missed calls he left for me to see.  I think the shame was overwhelming for him.

[cowl022]

Are pwBPD doomed to having normal

Healthy commited rs? Or is it possible with

The help of therapy? It almost seems that

These people simply just cany, or dont

Want too. All I know is that this was it for me.

Never again. Too much damage is done with

This type of rs. So sad.

[fromheeltoheal]

Are pwBPD doomed to having normal

Healthy commited rs? Or is it possible with

The help of therapy? It almost seems that

These people simply just cany, or dont

Want too. All I know is that this was it for me.

Never again. Too much damage is done with

This type of rs. So sad.

There is no cure for the disorder, it is hardwired into a sufferers personality, it's who they are, but they can learn to manage it.  In a sense we are all learning how to have 'normal' relationships, and as usual it requires honesty, trust, responsibility, respect, accountability.  Better to start to focus on what you did wrong and why, how you would do it differently next time, and what underlying beliefs are driving you.  A relationship with a borderline is sort of a trial by fire and can be the good news, since they treat us the way we've thought about ourselves since childhood, very enlightening if you want it to be.