Another day, another drama with dBPDsis

[Depression = 72% of members]

So after a long period of relatively good behaviour from my dBPDsis, she has just spiralled again.

After a big blow up, drunken argument resulting in my sister physically abusing my mum and me having to call the police while my boyfriend restrained her, my sister promised not to drink again and seemed to understand how dangerous she was when she had been drinking.

For a good few months and after spending Christmas with my Dad (who she is always very well behaved for) she went back to university. One of her friends from when she was younger went to visit her (our whole family despise her because she dragged my sister in to all sorts of nastiness when her behaviour spiralled as a teenager). She inevitably ended up drinking and the result was an assault on a man for unknown reasons (she told me he'd assaulted her first and then told my mum it was unprovoked) by burning him in the face with a cigarette. So now she's being kicked out of student accommodation because the police are involved and is having a complete meltdown which my mum is doing her best to deal with. She's seeing the university psychiatrist today who I hope will be better than the doctor she saw who told her she would be ok and is just stressed with the university experience (huge eye roll moment).

I guess I'm writing this a bit of a vent. She had called me the day before and told me about the incident which she completely played down and made sound somehow acceptable. She went on to tell me how I was like her second mum and angel on her shoulder and that I had a capacity for kindness she couldn’t imagine ever having. A really nice moment from her and actually a really normal conversation so I had no idea she was on the brink of meltdown.

My first reaction was to be angry at the man for reporting her to the police. You don’t have to tell me how crazy that is because no one in their right mind would get assaulted and not report it (unless you have a BPD family member haha, bad joke). I just kept thinking, he doesn’t understand how much she’s struggled to get this far. He’s going to be responsible for her killing herself and ruining her life.

Then I felt guilty and thought, oh my god she’s hurt someone. How could I ever be so stupid for thinking that. I felt guilty for not recognising that she was in such a state on the phone or picking up on trigger signs. Now I’m exhausted with the worry and I’m terrified that if university doesn’t work out that she will just kill herself. It’s not unreasonable for me to think that, she’s pinned all her hopes on this and she’s tried suicide before. It devastates me to think about it but I’m used to it with her previous behaviour break downs.

Thanks for listening, I don’t really know where I’m at right now. Just hoping and praying that she’ll level out for a while and sort things out before doing anything drastic. I don’t think the worry ever ends with a BPDsis.

[Blondy90]

So after a long period of relatively good behaviour from my dBPDsis, she has just spiralled again.

After a big blow up, drunken argument resulting in my sister physically abusing my mum and me having to call the police while my boyfriend restrained her, my sister promised not to drink again and seemed to understand how dangerous she was when she had been drinking.

For a good few months and after spending Christmas with my Dad (who she is always very well behaved for) she went back to university. One of her friends from when she was younger went to visit her (our whole family despise her because she dragged my sister in to all sorts of nastiness when her behaviour spiralled as a teenager). She inevitably ended up drinking and the result was an assault on a man for unknown reasons (she told me he'd assaulted her first and then told my mum it was unprovoked) by burning him in the face with a cigarette. So now she's being kicked out of student accommodation because the police are involved and is having a complete meltdown which my mum is doing her best to deal with. She's seeing the university psychiatrist today who I hope will be better than the doctor she saw who told her she would be ok and is just stressed with the university experience (huge eye roll moment).

I guess I'm writing this a bit of a vent. She had called me the day before and told me about the incident which she completely played down and made sound somehow acceptable. She went on to tell me how I was like her second mum and angel on her shoulder and that I had a capacity for kindness she couldn’t imagine ever having. A really nice moment from her and actually a really normal conversation so I had no idea she was on the brink of meltdown.

My first reaction was to be angry at the man for reporting her to the police. You don’t have to tell me how crazy that is because no one in their right mind would get assaulted and not report it (unless you have a BPD family member haha, bad joke). I just kept thinking, he doesn’t understand how much she’s struggled to get this far. He’s going to be responsible for her killing herself and ruining her life.

Then I felt guilty and thought, oh my god she’s hurt someone. How could I ever be so stupid for thinking that. I felt guilty for not recognising that she was in such a state on the phone or picking up on trigger signs. Now I’m exhausted with the worry and I’m terrified that if university doesn’t work out that she will just kill herself. It’s not unreasonable for me to think that, she’s pinned all her hopes on this and she’s tried suicide before. It devastates me to think about it but I’m used to it with her previous behaviour break downs.

Thanks for listening, I don’t really know where I’m at right now. Just hoping and praying that she’ll level out for a while and sort things out before doing anything drastic. I don’t think the worry ever ends with a BPDsis.

[GeekyGirl]

Blondy90, sometimes the right thing to do can also be the hardest.   If you think your sister is suicidal, you have to take action, even if you think she won't carry through with her threats. If she does attempt suicide, that's also her decision--even if her boyfriend angers her, that is her decision.

Where do you see things going from here with your sister? What kinds of trigger signs will you look for in the future, knowing what you know now?

[Blondy90]

The latest is that she's found a way to buy prescription drugs on the internet so she's dosed herself up on valium and diazepam. Mum went to see her yesterday and she was so spaced out she could barely string a sentence together.

I don't think she's at risk of suicide at the moment, it'll be if the course doesn't work out for her this time that she might attempt it. Before she's left notes or text me and called being really nice and remorseful so hopefully I'll know if she's at that point.

I find it so hard to pick up on when she's about to spiral like she has this week because she's always so upbeat when she speaks to me on the phone and then something will trigger her anxiety out of nowhere and she'll be an absolute mess so it's hard to predict, especially when I don't live with her.

I want to be there for her as much as possible without running myself ragged in the process. I'm going to call her later and see where she's at and if I can try and talk some sense to her. I'm the only one she ever listens to about pulling herself together because she uses my mum more as a sounding post and emotional outlet and doesn't always listen to her advice.

[P.F.Change]

I'm sorry to hear your sister is struggling right now, Blondy90. I can tell you're having a hard time, too, and understand why you would be worried about her. It's important in situations like this to try to find wise mind and keep ourselves centered, though I know it can be challenging.

I just kept thinking, he doesn’t understand how much she’s struggled to get this far. He’s going to be responsible for her killing herself and ruining her life.

I know you already challenged this statement from one angle, but if it's ok I would like to see if we can challenge it from another. First: Is it true? Is this man responsible for your sister's life choices? If not, who is?

I felt guilty for not recognising that she was in such a state on the phone or picking up on trigger signs. Now I’m exhausted with the worry and I’m terrified that if university doesn’t work out that she will just kill herself.

You do sound really worn out. It seems like you are beating yourself up over this. Are you blaming yourself? Do you think you may have an automatic underlying belief that ties this guilt feeling to the anger you initially felt at the man your sister attacked?

I want to be there for her as much as possible without running myself ragged in the process. I'm going to call her later and see where she's at and if I can try and talk some sense to her.

It is good that you know you need to look after yourself while supporting your sister.   Do you have a safety plan in place in case she does begin to talk about suicide again? What will you do?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Blondy90]

I know how I feel about the way others treat my sister is completely irrational. I can see from their point of view and understand that they shouldn't have to understand her and often people are scared about what they don't understand. It's not their responsibility to research mental illness! I know the only person responsible for her actions is her but the sisterly protective instinct can't help but kick in when I worry about her.

I don't blame myself for her behaviour but I do feel a bit bad that I don't spend more time with her or make more of an effort to go and see her, although I think that stems from my mum telling me I was a bad sister all the time when I was younger!

I have spent a long time mentally preparing myself for the possibility of her committing suicide so although it will still be like punch in the stomach if it does happen, I know I won't let it completely destroy me.

I spoke to her yesterday and she was over emotional about viewing new houses to live in. I managed to calm her down and praised her for getting to that point and she managed to see both houses without too much drama so I'm a lot less worried now because I can see that even though she's in a bad place, she isn't giving up and she's still trying hard to work things out so fingers crossed she will now level out for a bit. I think my brain just goes in to overdrive when she gets bad and it doesn't help that my mum oversensationalises situations too.

[P.F.Change]

I am glad your sister has calmed down and that you are feeling less worried. Did she mention anything about her meeting with her psychiatrist? Even though you no longer fear she is suicidal right now, it can help to have a safety plan in place in case she does become suicidal again in the future. What will you do if she sends you a text or calls you and suggests she is about to harm herself?

I can see from their point of view and understand that they shouldn't have to understand her and often people are scared about what they don't understand. It's not their responsibility to research mental illness! I know the only person responsible for her actions is her but the sisterly protective instinct can't help but kick in when I worry about her.

I hear you saying you want to protect your sister and you worry about her. Nothing is wrong with that in and of itself. You love your sister.

I don't think this is just about other people lacking education about mental illness or being afraid. Even people who understand BPD might choose the same course of action in this situation as those who don't (i.e., filing assault charges). One thing to consider, is whether your desire to protect your sister is always helpful--to her or to you. Actions have consequences, this is a fact of life. Allowing someone to experience the natural consequences of their actions can be a valuable way to help them learn and grow, even when the consequences aren't pleasant.

There is a difference between supporting someone and enabling them to continue harmful behaviors. Here is a thread that helped me get a clearer idea of that difference: Are you supporting or enabling?

I hear you say you know the only person responsible for her actions is her; this is true, and it's good that you know that on a thinking level. To me it sounds like on an emotional level you do not believe this yet. What I am hearing from your emotion side is "I am responsible for keeping my sister alive. It is my job to prevent her from getting upset. I am a bad person and a bad sister if I am not reading her mood all of the time. If I fail, she will kill herself, and it will be all my fault." Do you think that is an accurate description of how you feel? If I'm wrong, please let me know.

Sometimes it takes some time to find a balance between our logical thoughts and our emotions, or to get them to agree. I mentioned "wise mind" in my first reply to you, which is a term for that balance. I wonder if you might find it helpful to take a look at this workshop, too: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind