he left, moved out of town - help...

[wdone]

i relapsed. after 19 years. consciously.  after i found out.  he texted me an hour before he left, knowing i was in a different town, in class. saying he was leaving. too much pain.he left. did not wait, did not say good bye. trying to remember he is struggling. he is bad.worse. not in a good place.  texted that "i left town, god is already punishing me."

he said he'd call me when things settle (him).  moving in with his parents. his brother flew out and picked him up. i was shocked.  i relapsed.  too much pain and shock.  cannot deal.

need help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joethemechanic]

Relapsed?

[123Phoebe]

Aw wdone

What kind of help are you looking for?

[wdone]

Aw wdone

What kind of help are you looking for?

support

feedback

help

understanding

questions

love

i am hurting beyond hurting

[wdone]

Relapsed?

i am a recovering alcoholic/addict and had not relapsed in 19 years. i did last night

[123Phoebe]

Relapsed?

i am a recovering alcoholic/addict and had not relapsed in 19 years. i did last night

  Is there anyone you could call to talk to in real time?  How are you feeling today about seeking substances to self-soothe?

[wdone]

Relapsed?

i am a recovering alcoholic/addict and had not relapsed in 19 years. i did last night

  Is there anyone you could call to talk to in real time?  How are you feeling today about seeking substances to self-soothe?

pretty good about using them, its only thing that dulls the pain. little concerned, abut it i ever have to stop and withdrawal.  i need help. real help and support.  he is gone

1000 miles away.  out of the blue.  i am feeling devestated and at a loss. never been in this much pain.  no one really gets it and they have silly solutions like go for a walk.

this is beyond anything i have imagoned or been through.  he wont call me, but i talked to his sister in law and she called thm in the car driving out of state to take him to his parents house. he told her he is not ready to talk yet and that he will call me when he can.  i am frozen, immobile. never though this would happen.  cannot function. need help

[patientandclear]

WD -- first of all, I get the significance that this hit you so hard you relapsed.  I hope you don't spend any time beating yourself up about that.  You were rocked, beyond the way normal life rocks everyone.  You're strong and have a strong handle on sobriety, when and if you're ready to be there again.

But about him leaving.  I do understand this feeling, even though my ex & I weren't together nearly as long as you guys.  My ex suddenly left town, when we'd been close & getting ever closer, in a new way, a way that seemed reality-based, not based on mirroring or merger.  We were able to be separate people and hear one another, appreciate one another, in our differences.  It was a very sweet but very intense time.  Suddenly, he decided he needed to leave.  Too much pain, I guess.  He later said it was time for "new people, places and things."  That hurt a ton as you can imagine.

One idea I think you might explore is that it may be easier for him to be close with you from afar, if that makes any sense.  It make give him a sense of a safe zone from which he can explore intimacy with you.  From all of the comments you've related, it sounds like he gets panicked that he is going to be completely absorbed into you.  It may feel safer with this physical distance.  Not saying that's his conscious plan, but I wonder if he won't be able to feel a little calmer with the distance, and be able to connect with you.

I get that that raises more questions than it answers about longer term arrangements, but it seems like the ironic truth that with pwBPD, sometimes distance allows closeness, may ease your pain somewhat right now.

Other times when he's been gone multiple months, he might as well have moved to another continent, right?  And nothing says he has to stay there.  You've written that he has major problems with his parents too.  I doubt this is a stable resolution.  But he may need the safe zone of the space, for the moment.

I can hear you're hurting so much.  Just remember with pwBPD, almost nothing is permanent.  And space may, ironically, help him feel like he can communicate with you.

[Surnia]

Hi wdone

I hear your exasperation - about the situation and your relapsing. 

I agree with Phoebe about someone to talk to. Can you reach out to someone?

Please keep in touch, we are here for you.

[an0ught]

Hi wdone,

 this is certainly overwhelming. He is gone, there is no way to go to him and no way to reach him 

I get that it feels at the moment so overwhelming that you started drinking to medicate the intense pain. Adding to that is beating yourself up because you relapsed  .

It is so intense at the moment and little you can do to sooth it. Reaching out to others may help a little, sharing your pain. Also find out what others are doing - balance out the focus on yourself a little. You deserve attention. Your pain is huge. It is not the world.

Hang in there   ,

a0

[Grey Kitty]

  wdone,

I don't have much to add... . just a few     for you. That and to assure you that this time and feeling will pass.

[KateCat]

 

Can you re-read the above post by patient&clear when you have had a chance to absorb the shock? . . . . To add to P&C's post, is there by chance a seasonal pattern to your boyfriend's "leaving" behavior, such that he feels a strong pull back to his parents during the winter months?

[wdone]

he has said several times over the last year or two that if he had to go to chicago he could get his ___ together and then send for me.  that is what  i am holding onto. 

also, that his sister in law said he is "all over the place" when she talked to him briefly.  i need to remember he is not doing well and deregulated, that he won't pull up and walk int o his parents house and feel at peace.  at all.  he will always switch back and forth. and yes, will miss me.  and i can see as i have in the past that he will be able to be intimate from a distance. 

thank you all. i am beyond devastated.  i am not sure what to do. 

[123Phoebe]

i am beyond devastated.  i am not sure what to do. 

wdone, do you have an idea of where you'd like to be?  When you imagine yourself all peaceful, what does that look like?  Feel like? 

 

[wdone]

i talked to my bf for an hour yesterday - he called, and we spoke of the possibility of me meeting him there later after he gets  a job etc

i talked to him again today.

i actually feel some relief and hope and maybe him going there shook things up for both of us just enough. i am motivated and feeling good. for the moment. i still miss him like crazy but we are TALKING again and talking of potential future plans.

[wdone]

talked to my bf today... . first time since last sat or sun... .

he was back to "i'm afraid of you. i've been trying to get away from you for 5 years.  I left town because of you... . " etc

the says when my lease is up in june, we should talk and see what we want to do.  saying we both need to "work on ourselves," which many times, to him, means financially...

i brought up how we had talked about me moving there and he got angry and said not now and maybe not ever.

i am trying to give him his space, while still being devastated and in shock that he is gone. he said he is more than willing to talk, wants to talk, said he hates himself, doesn't have a plan, no money, is at his parents. 

i hope he realizes this was not the healthiest or best action to take.

i went to a massage, a 12 step meeting, and am staying at a friends.  i also got hired for a new job.  but i am trying to figure out what to do and how to do this... . i feel pretty terrified and not functioning well.  very depressed  feel shocked and traumatized. 

which part of him wanted me there? which part said maybe never? which part is real?

i feel less capable of staying strong and detached now that he's so far away and now that i relapsed.  my head is foggy.  I'm so afraid he's gone forever.

i have never been this devastated or confused or hopeless.

[Surnia]

Hi wdone

Your situation is so difficult right now. I hear your exasperation and hopelessness. I am concerned about you.

12 step meetings, seeing friends, massage, all this are helpful things. May I ask you, do you work with a therapist? If not, I would recommend you this. What do you think about it?

[wdone]

Hi wdone

Your situation is so difficult right now. I hear your exasperation and hopelessness. I am concerned about you.

12 step meetings, seeing friends, massage, all this are helpful things. May I ask you, do you work with a therapist? If not, I would recommend you this. What do you think about it?

i am on my way to my therapists in a minute... i see her every week, and i keep asking her for options and a solution and we have been exploring me going to a family members, but that doesn't seem to be available... i am way down and concerned about myself as well.

i should go home tonight to have fresh clothes, wash my hair, eat my own food... . and all that, but so hard to be there alone, especially with all of his things still there... .

i asked him yesterday what he thought about me selling his things or holding onto them or what... and he got very agitated and said we can decide later... .

i am not sure how to feel about what he is doing and how he feels... . i guess he is the same as he has always been--conflicted and agitated and now seems more paranoid and said he is afraid of me.   :'( i am so sad.  i can't wrap my brain around this... . i think i am still in shock. 

i do wish i had supportive family.  his family is enmeshed and abusive, but at least they were "there for him" although i think his dad has already yelled at him. i have a feeling he will regret his choice.  he may get stuck there. my T thinks he'll be back in a week. 

any feedback about what you think he might be feeling or thinking? or what he might do?

he did say he's open to me moving there in the future but not right now...

if i had a plane ticket to go visit, i would feel 100% better.  i will approach that when i talk to him next.  (when my ex left town, he died 9 months later... . so i know i am triggered in that as well. not saying this isn't devastating in and of itself... )

:'(

[KateCat]

my T thinks he'll be back in a week.  

It does sound as though you can expect his return by the end of the month. Judging by the history you have shared, his family sounds much less able to accommodate him than you do.

Has your therapist given you any other strategies to help during these separations?

[wdone]

my T thinks he'll be back in a week.  

It does sound as though you can expect his return by the end of the month. Judging by the history you have shared, his family sounds much less able to accommodate him than you do.

Has your therapist given you any other strategies to help during these separations?

really?... . i hope so--or, i hope that he gets some help there... .

my T suggested "tapping"-do you know about that? our couples counselor actually taught us to tap when overwhelmed and we would do it together in her office... i will use that if i get overwhelmed again. she also suggested that having a goal and purpose (of moving away at the end of my lease in 5 months) would be very helpful,  so tonight i have been throwing things out and organizing and working on a budget and savings plan.  i also bought some homeopathic calming stuff and i have had an alright night --knock on wood--

i miss him a lot but i am focused on starting this new job and focusing on saving money and moving... . to where he is if he is still there and open to it, or (god forbid) somewhere else alone.  the only thing i am clear about is that i do not want to be in this house anymore. 

seeing my T today helped, and having her point out that he was in "mean hit_" (his name) and not in "good hit_" and that he is probably very triggered and stressed being at his parents house and having lost all his money and left all his support and his T here... . she explained to me (again) that he has switched over to "protect himself", at least in his mind and he is coming up with things to make sense of what he has done. i.e. blaming me and having to leave because of me, and saying he needs to work his stuff out with his family before we can be a family... . ugh... . i can see now how things may blow up, and i don't have control over it, and it may be a good thing if they do blow up there.  he may get help. he may see whats happening for him, he may come back. 

i am just worried i will lose track of him and he will suicide... . my T was worried about that, too.

i really think it will take him a few weeks at most to see its unbearable for him to live there-but maybe i am wrong...

do you have any other ideas/strategies for me? thanks

[KateCat]

Hmm, I hadn't thought about the possibility that he could now become too overwhelmed and just give up himself.  :'( It's said that you can't reach out to comfort him, really, due to the cruel nature of his disorder.

[wdone]

Hmm, I hadn't thought about the possibility that he could now become too overwhelmed and just give up himself.  :'( It's said that you can't reach out to comfort him, really, due to the cruel nature of his disorder.

yes, he said

"i hate myself"

"i want to die"

"maybe i'll be dead by next week"

it's very hard not to be able to comfort him... . i did text him tonight, just a quick, light, loving text--and i do think (or hope) that a part of him is comforted by it... . very sad