I'm ashamed to admit...

[Moonie75]

I share something very disturbing in common with my uBPDex... .



We BOTH attract broken people!

[Lol4fun]

Yup me too... . Went out with a normal guy a week or so ago healthy as could be we were supposed to be going out again next week. He texted last night to let me know he has become exclusive with someone else.  Right now I just feel absolutely zero chemistry with healthy guys. Zero nada zip even when I kiss them. Frustrating to say the least!

[myself]

Broken or incomplete, it's hard to be sure sometimes. Hopefully the difference is we'll use the shame and understanding to make a better life for ourselves instead of running from one. It's up to us.

[Free2Bee]

I worry a lot about this. The chemistry I had with my BPDex was off the charts. For all the problems in the r/s, it was the chemistry that kept me committed. What if I can't find that with a 'normal' person? :/

[LilMissSunshine]

God Moonie give yourself a break.  We know why pwBpD's SEEK OUT BROKEN PEOPLE.  To pound them into the ground to make themselves feel good.  We, on the other hand, are attracted to the less fortunate because we are good sympathetic humans.  We want to help.  We fall for their hit_, fall in love and want to help them.  We have no idea what we're getting into.  We are innocents.  Seriously.  I do not believe we are broken.   However, I do believe they try to break us with their insanity.

Hang in there bb.  You are a super guy.  If you lived in the states I'd fix you up with my beautiful blond, blue eyed baby girl - D25 - who graduated college in 4 years with a lucrative job, paid off her own student loans, bought a 3 family home (1st, 2nd flr tenants pay mortgage + more / lives for "free" on third floor) taking evening classes for her masters... . yadda, yadda, yadda... . and is my BEST friend.  I've read many of your posts - you are mature and level headed beyond your years - and you've helped me with many of my issues.  You are a CATCH.  

Not sure if she'd "understand" the leather wing chair thing, but whatevah - she's got a great sense of humor.  

[Perfidy]

Ummm... LMS... . I live in the states? She'd be perfect for me! Less than half my age? 

[Moonie75]

God Moonie give yourself a break.  We know why pwBpD's SEEK OUT BROKEN PEOPLE!  To pound them into the ground to make themselves feel good.  We, on the other hand, are attracted to the less fortunate because we are good sympathetic humans.  We want to help.  We fall for their crap, fall in love and want to help them!  We have no idea what we're getting into.  We are innocents!  Seriously!  I do not believe we are broken.   However, I do believe they try to break us with their insanity.

Hang in there bb.  You are a super guy!  If you lived in the states I'd fix you up with my beautiful blond, blue eyed baby girl - D25 - who graduated college in 4 years with a lucrative job, paid off her own student loans, bought a 3 family home (1st, 2nd flr tenants pay mortgage + more / lives for "free" on third floor) taking evening classes for her masters... . yaddaa, yaddaa, yaddaa... . and is my BEST friend!  I've read many of your posts - you are mature and level headed beyond your years - and you've helped me with many of my issues.  You are a CATCH!  

Not sure if she'd "understand" the leather wing chair thing, but whatevaaaah - she's got a great sense of humor!  

Blimey LilMiss! She could have exclusive use of the other, matching wing back!

Has she got a decent camera? I only ask because I've always fancied a nice semi naked picture of myself in my vintage quilted smoking jacket. Tastefully shot of course because it would join the portrait of Queen Mother on the library wall. Then once photo session is completed, a jolly good game of brandy fuelled Twister. Then off upstairs to the love swing with the other lovely's!

I'd like that!

[LilMissSunshine]

Perfidy, let me think bout that a sec... . Um, Hm, Um, Nah... . thanks, but nah... . you lil  

[charred]

The zero chemistry thing is normal... unfortunately.

They say water finds its own level... . or in the case of r/s... we find someone with a similar load of baggage.

There is a good book on it, "A General Theory of Love"... and it explains that when you grow up with issues in your FOO, that is what you internalize as "Love"... and a very effective filter... your brain... looks for that same kind of person as your ideal. So Freud's oedipus thing is unfortunately accurate.

I would have gotten very defensive about the idea that my pwBPD had a similar load of baggage to me... but I am finding it is true. Take a schema test and see what comes out... they are online and free... and pretty accurate.

Taken me till now to figure out my mother is BPD... . waif type not the blatant queen witch that my exBPDgf was. I have been estranged from my dad for 14 yrs now... he is horrible... malignant NPD.  I somehow thought I miraculously grew up unscathed by my FOO... . and after dating my pwBPD... I stand corrected.

Was married for 20+ yrs... to a woman that reminded me of my pwBPD... though she is not BPD herself. She is histrionic... intense drama queen, but doesn't have the hater/clingy/idealizer thing going on at all.

I went out with a few people that I think were pretty normal... and it was like like drinking flat soda...

Have learned not to chase gals that I feel strong sparks with... as I can pretty well diagnose a PD by my spark level... if I feel it strong... . they are a menace to society.

Been seeing a T over a year now... my stress is gone, I am mindful, and seem to be in the acceptance part of getting over my BPD r/s... . but I am bummed about my romantic outlook.  The only logically workable solution I see is dating PD women briefly... till they start to flip out then moving on... and that is like playing Russian roulette regularly... bad plan.

Supposedly,  if you work on your fleas and core trauma, then the kind of woman you resonate with would change... . however I have never heard of anyone backing that up with anything... . sounds like wishful thinking.

Choice seems to be boring with no spark... . or an exciting PD gal nightmare.  My pwBPD... was a manipulator, masterful liar... but I was honest in the r/s till she hit the point of worrying me she was going to kill me... . how can we date someone with no spark... and be genuine/authentic... . and still be dating.

When she says... "What do you feel for me?"  And you answer; "Zip, nada, not a damn thing."... . how long is it going to last?

I am honest enough to say "I too am ashamed to admit... . "

[LilMissSunshine]

God Moonie give yourself a break.  We know why pwBpD's SEEK OUT BROKEN PEOPLE.  To pound them into the ground to make themselves feel good.  We, on the other hand, are attracted to the less fortunate because we are good sympathetic humans.  We want to help.  We fall for their hit_, fall in love and want to help them.  We have no idea what we're getting into.  We are innocents.  Seriously.  I do not believe we are broken.   However, I do believe they try to break us with their insanity.

Hang in there bb.  You are a super guy.  If you lived in the states I'd fix you up with my beautiful blond, blue eyed baby girl - D25 - who graduated college in 4 years with a lucrative job, paid off her own student loans, bought a 3 family home (1st, 2nd flr tenants pay mortgage + more / lives for "free" on third floor) taking evening classes for her masters... . yadda, yadda, yadda... . and is my BEST friend.  I've read many of your posts - you are mature and level headed beyond your years - and you've helped me with many of my issues.  You are a CATCH.  

Not sure if she'd "understand" the leather wing chair thing, but whatevah - she's got a great sense of humor.  

Blimey LilMiss. She could have exclusive use of the other, matching wing back.

Has she got a decent camera? I only ask because I've always fancied a nice semi naked picture of myself in my vintage quilted smoking jacket. Tastefully shot of course because it would join the portrait of Queen Mother on the library wall. Then once photo session is completed, a jolly good game of brandy fuelled Twister. Then off upstairs to the love swing with the other lovely's.

I'd like that.

Knowing the NORMAL strong willed, beautiful, responsible daughter I raised, she'd probably prefer a "skinny girl margarita" and a game of "Operation". Z.  Sh - this is my level headed bbgirl.  She'd be HORRIFIED if she knew I was talking bout her like this.  Me Bad.

[Moonie75]

God Moonie give yourself a break.  We know why pwBpD's SEEK OUT BROKEN PEOPLE!  To pound them into the ground to make themselves feel good.  We, on the other hand, are attracted to the less fortunate because we are good sympathetic humans.  We want to help.  We fall for their crap, fall in love and want to help them!  We have no idea what we're getting into.  We are innocents!  Seriously!  I do not believe we are broken.   However, I do believe they try to break us with their insanity.

Hang in there bb.  You are a super guy!  If you lived in the states I'd fix you up with my beautiful blond, blue eyed baby girl - D25 - who graduated college in 4 years with a lucrative job, paid off her own student loans, bought a 3 family home (1st, 2nd flr tenants pay mortgage + more / lives for "free" on third floor) taking evening classes for her masters... . yaddaa, yaddaa, yaddaa... . and is my BEST friend!  I've read many of your posts - you are mature and level headed beyond your years - and you've helped me with many of my issues.  You are a CATCH!  

Not sure if she'd "understand" the leather wing chair thing, but whatevaaaah - she's got a great sense of humor!  

Blimey LilMiss! She could have exclusive use of the other, matching wing back!

Has she got a decent camera? I only ask because I've always fancied a nice semi naked picture of myself in my vintage quilted smoking jacket. Tastefully shot of course because it would join the portrait of Queen Mother on the library wall. Then once photo session is completed, a jolly good game of brandy fuelled Twister. Then off upstairs to the love swing with the other lovely's!

I'd like that!

Knowing the NORMAL strong willed, beautiful, responsible daughter I raised, she'd probably prefer a "skinny girl margarita" and a game of "Operation". ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!  Shhhhhhhh - this is my level headed bbgirl.  She'd be HORRIFIED if she knew I was talking bout her like this.  Me Bad!

I know what went wrong there, I do!

I didn't say 'please'!

 

[LilMissSunshine]

                   

If your evah in Boston maybe you guys could meet for tea in Bahstin Habah... . hee hee    She'd have you crying for mercy... . but in a  good  way.   

[LilMissSunshine]

Gez, I was trying to get you to feel less ashamed and now I'm feeling ashamed... . Moonie, you are a       

YOU MADE ME DO IT THOUGH.     IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT   

[Moonie75]

Good heavens above!

I'm off up to the attic room to dig out great uncle Winston's done topped travel trunk...

Then I'll inform Carter to dust off the Lancaster.

"We're going out, to the land of opportunity Carter! To take tea with a jolly fine example of a lady. A lady Carter, eh what!  Splendid!"

[Moonie75]

YOU MADE ME DO IT THOUGH!    IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT 

Now then... . Where have I heard that before?

[LilMissSunshine]

Lord you make me laugh.  Thanks kid.

Ah, so my dear... . I don't think your as "broken" as you think.  In any event, some day YOU WILL meet the woman who hugs you so honestly/lovingly that whatever broken pieces you may have will all fuse back into place imediately and permanently.  Imagine that feeling   

[Jayhawk21]

I worry a lot about this. The chemistry I had with my BPDex was off the charts. For all the problems in the r/s, it was the chemistry that kept me committed. What if I can't find that with a 'normal' person? :/

I know the exact feeling. That's what kept me there. The fire.

[Jayhawk21]

"We know why pwBpD's SEEK OUT BROKEN PEOPLE!  To pound them into the ground to make themselves feel good.  We, on the other hand, are attracted to the less fortunate because we are good sympathetic humans.  We want to help.  We fall for their crap, fall in love and want to help them!  We have no idea what we're getting into.  We are innocents!  Seriously!  I do not believe we are broken.   However, I do believe they try to break us with their insanity."

-moonie


Thank you for that. I'm starting to feel like my expwBPD.  We have broken up over the last few days and I wonder if I was turning into her. I was naaaaasty.

[Findingmysong723]

The zero chemistry thing is normal... unfortunately.

They say water finds its own level... . or in the case of r/s... we find someone with a similar load of baggage.

There is a good book on it, "A General Theory of Love"... and it explains that when you grow up with issues in your FOO, that is what you internalize as "Love"... and a very effective filter... your brain... looks for that same kind of person as your ideal. So Freud's oedipus thing is unfortunately accurate.

I would have gotten very defensive about the idea that my pwBPD had a similar load of baggage to me... but I am finding it is true. Take a schema test and see what comes out... they are online and free... and pretty accurate.

Taken me till now to figure out my mother is BPD... . waif type not the blatant queen witch that my exBPDgf was. I have been estranged from my dad for 14 yrs now... he is horrible... malignant NPD.  I somehow thought I miraculously grew up unscathed by my FOO... . and after dating my pwBPD... I stand corrected.

Was married for 20+ yrs... to a woman that reminded me of my pwBPD... though she is not BPD herself. She is histrionic... intense drama queen, but doesn't have the hater/clingy/idealizer thing going on at all.

I went out with a few people that I think were pretty normal... and it was like like drinking flat soda...

Have learned not to chase gals that I feel strong sparks with... as I can pretty well diagnose a PD by my spark level... if I feel it strong... . they are a menace to society.

Been seeing a T over a year now... my stress is gone, I am mindful, and seem to be in the acceptance part of getting over my BPD r/s... . but I am bummed about my romantic outlook.  The only logically workable solution I see is dating PD women briefly... till they start to flip out then moving on... and that is like playing Russian roulette regularly... bad plan.

Supposedly,  if you work on your fleas and core trauma, then the kind of woman you resonate with would change... . however I have never heard of anyone backing that up with anything... . sounds like wishful thinking.

Choice seems to be boring with no spark... . or an exciting PD gal nightmare.  My pwBPD... was a manipulator, masterful liar... but I was honest in the r/s till she hit the point of worrying me she was going to kill me... . how can we date someone with no spark... and be genuine/authentic... . and still be dating.

When she says... "What do you feel for me?"  And you answer; "Zip, nada, not a damn thing."... . how long is it going to last?

I am honest enough to say "I too am ashamed to admit... . "

Every time we broke up, he would bring up lack of "spark" or "fireworks," I wasn't disordered enough for him! However, during the idealization, always wanting to kiss me or touch me etc and how great it was when we were dating. Oh, and when we were just "friends," his telling me how good I looked and inappropriately telling me he wanted to "do bad things to me."  I always thought how could someone with so much anxiety really enjoy sex or anything sexual when they are freaking out inside? However, I do believe that his idea of love is different than mine, it is about longing and dysfunction, seeing his Dad abuse his Mom and the chaos he grew up in. when he was very little... . I just couldn't and wouldn't give that to him so it didn't feel comfortable for him! It's sad but it is what it is!

[Dutched]

Rise / Tailspin  special thanks!

Starting without seeing any light at all at the end of the tunnel. 3 yrs out, R/S  30+decades.

As I still needs to maintain LC in a way to protect my sons interests towards his mother. Related to that  also, my healing has by times a real fall back.

The path of healing is not linear, it is bumpy with deep, very deep holes and tunnels rolling one back to previous points . For myself, I don’t have a timeframe set. It is useless as one can’t influence matters beyond control.

We have to build life again from scratch, special after a very long R/S , as all was woven into each other, special  emotionally but also friends, relatives, even photos and  stuff.   

Concentration must be on the future. First rebuilding myself (lack of concentration, postponing). I took a 2 yrs. to before my sleep was in way back to normal, at least acceptable for me at that point.

I did mindfulness… yes works, however (for me) LC was needed and the drama in my head restarted.   

I am trying to do mindfulness all over again. It worked for me. Further to be aware of negative thinking spiral. As soon a memory comes up, I really have to concentrate to think about something totally different.  I is hard to do but worth a change.

Today, 3 yrs. later, in general I am still damaged, although I saw a T for nearly 2 yrs! 

Also my attitude towards others changed. I want people to express themselves in an accurate way, much, much more than in the past.  I really don’t accept popular b/s  anymore. It’s hard for others, fine for my protection.

To lift my confidence a close relative quoted a text from by James Blunt:

   “She couldn’t break your spirit, it were your dreams she took” 

Positive to lift my spirit, crying that evening too for the lifelong damage of my kids, me and my financial security. 

Lately a member wrote about a mantra he/she uses when feeling down.

I think a lot about my spirit as in the text of that song in order to heal.

[charred]

I had a lot of anxiety forever... . just didn't recognize it as such... . it was always present, like the background noise of my life. Was told I was ADHD and given meds from time I was a kid, and they helped. Going in to T and doing mindfulness... finally would stop the anxiety... and to my amazement the ADHD symptoms. The only other thing that stopped them, was sex. Most people are more anxious in bed than they normally are... . I am most relaxed in bed. No idea what to make of that... but sometimes I wonder if I equate sex with love/intimacy... . I think a lot of people do... . they are distinctly different things, not interchangeable.

I am wanting genuine intimacy with people... . truth not a facade... . and feel like I am asking for the impossible. Work for a big company and we sell products that I think are fairly crappy... . puts me in a spot of smiling and being quiet or talking and being unemployed. Reminds me of life in my PD family... . only its bigger than that, its all around us.

[Pearl55]

I'm a fixer rescuer narcissistic, probably will get involve with a narcissistic man with a crazy ex. What a battle! Normal healthy man, probably boring. But narcissistic men are very charming, but not the disordered one for sure. Hehehe 

[Moonie75]

'When I was young

Used to ride the wild ones

They were lots of fun

But they almost took my life

Now all I need

Is a simple steed

Take me where I want

Without putting up a fight'


I just remembered this lyrics from a song with a band I played in years back!

Can't remember title or rest of lyrics. At the time, they had no reason to resonate so much I'd remember them for years to come!

Very apt to my current circumstances.

How strange, & yet brilliant the mind is!