Is my BPD husband coming back?

[Sophia66]

It has been exact two month since my BPD husband hailed himself out of the hotel room at the end of our holiday and has never returned. I have been going through the silent treatment, projections. He sent me numerous emails full of the most absurd accusations and then went to silent treatment for two weeks… He blocked me on Skype.Within a week of his departure, he claimed that he had contacted a divorce lawyer in his email, the same email was sent twice within a week… He lied about where he had been… Until two weeks ago, he finally disclosed his whereabout on the social media, but i did not respond… simply because I did not know how….or whether or not i should. Becauase this is not the 1st time he did this time ( maybe more than 10 times over the last 4 years), he might have thought i would go all the way to get to him and bring him home. I did not this time. My therapist  advised me not to do this as it would be encouraging such behavior if I did. Now silent treatment again… no emails, nothing from him. I knew he was in town on business, but he never returned home.

He had threatened to post his divorce plan on the social media if I did not provide a timetable / plan for the divorce on time. This was when I realized that he had never contacted any lawyers… I did respond to this email by telling him that it was not me who wanted divorce and why it should be me who initiate the process. Since then, nothing has been heard from him and it has been more than 2 weeks.

I am always the best woman/ wife/ mom in the world if he is in the " same" world with me and if he does not have excessive amount of wine.  Now I am the worst of all… uncaring. unloving, disgenuine, cunning, calculating… I am painted completely black. The worst woman you can possibly imagine…

He did the same thing last year, but left for about two weeks, he did write to me expressing his desire to reconcile and of course i responded right now as i loved him and i did not plan to leave. i did not know he was suffering BPD until this year. I flew over to him in days after receiving his emails and got him home.

It has been two months and there is not even a day going by that i have not thought about him and us. Yes, life with him has not been easy, and sometimes can be grueling experience, but I am still thinking of all the positive side of our marriage even though he can be verbally abusive when he explodes, he has a tremendous issue of anger management problems. He can be a completely different person from what he normally is when he is angry and in his rage.  Nobody in the world is worth anything…

Life is not easy as well as the marriage. Now i am aware of this mental health problems and I want to be with him and hope that i will know how to better handle the situation…

He is in silent mode and I know where he is… he might be waiting for me to fly over again… is it a smart move for me to do what I had done before?

Anybody out there is familiar with this pattern? Any advice? What is possibly going through his mind?          

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

BPD people run off all the time, it's fairly common.

I would ignore him completely. He will probably show back up once he realizes he isn't getting a response from you. Wether it is to divorce or to reconcile, I don't know.

[Sophia66]

A little bit update here: He just posted more than 30 photos on the social media showing where he is right now… He does not really have any friends. Most of those who can see these photos are my immediate family members and myself.

Why is he doing that again? Is he trying to send a message here? Is it his way of communication?

I have not responded to him and am not planning to either…

Anybody has advice here?  

[elemental]

I think it is an attempt to get attention. Obviously if you react to him, he knows you are watching. I wouldn't, because it will just reel you into another head game.

If you don't respond, imo, he is more likely to directly engage with you. Call you and talk, or show up where you are.

I wouldn't file for divorce at this time, either. If only on the basis that he is being manipulative and disrespectful towards you.

If he can successfully hold a job, he can successfully file divorce himself or whatever.

Is it possible he has someone else where he is living? Another relationship he began. After some of the things I have seen, that is one of the first things I would find out. People who cheat get awfully strange sometimes in their attempts not to be the "bad guy".

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Zencat! I did not respond to all the photos, nor did any of my family members do. He has not written me any emails since Jan.10th demanding for a timetable for divorce… Obviously I would not unless he has the decency to discuss with me about the details of the settlement.

He had been lying or kept it as a secret about where he had been for 4 weeks until about 2 weeks ago he himself disclosed where he was… He might have wanted me to fly over again to beg him home, sadly I am not planning to put up with it again this time.

What is he going to do next? It has been 2 months now… I do not feel that he is having another person living with him. He seems to be on his own… From the photos he posted yesterday, he seems to be on a business trip.

[Sophia66]

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly down. It has been two months since he left and he blocked me on the Skype and no doubt he would never answer any of my calls as he did before. He virtually has disappeared from my life except that some occasional  email accusations….

Now he has disclosed constantly where he is by posting the photos on the social media. Since I have never thought of divorce and I would very much like the relationship work, is it a smart move for me not to respond or not to fly over to him?

Even though he is 60, he sometimes behaves like a child but meanwhile, he is a proud man. He might be feeling embraced to come back voluntarily as he has said too many nasty things about me.

I have always been the one who makes the concessions, swallows the pill and gets him back. Once he is back, he will behave as if nothings happens… even though for me the pain does not go away easily…

What should I do…?  

[123Phoebe]

Oh man, this has got to be so heartbreaking and nerve wracking, Sophia

Have you contemplated divorce?  Talked to a lawyer just to see where you stand and what your options are?  Checked out the Legal board here?  What does your family have to say about it?

I am so sorry you're going through this right now

[growing_wings]

Hi Sophia... tough to read your story. i read that he left at the end of your holiday. I have read that with people with BPD can have major crisis after a particularly "Happy" and "loving" time, as this is when they truly get too close to you and therefore scared of losing you, so they solve this issue by pushing you away.

was this the case?

the pull/push dynamics is at the core of BPD. They WILL pull, and they will invariably PUSH away, no other way around it.

Has he done this before?

my thoughts with you. stay strong.

[Sophia66]

Thank you, Growing_wings!

He has done this many times before and it was always me who took all the efforts to get him back home. As soon as he was back, he seemed to be happy than ever.  I am not sure whether he is using the same trick again this time.

Minutes ago I received another email from him after more than nearly 3 weeks' of silence demanding me to file a divorce. He claimed that he had NEVER been happy in our relationship or marriage over the last 6 years and he wanted to get out as soon as possible. He wanted me to initiate the procedure and even more he wanted me to send all his belongs in the house including the clothes to his cousin so that he could help to deliver them to him… Of course, he did the same thing before and made the exact same request as well before…

I told him on Jan.11th that it was not me who wanted to divorce and why I should initiate the process. Plus if his decision is final, does he even have the decency to come back to meet me to dicuss about the details. Why does he ask me to start the process?

Why can't he come back to collect his belongs?

Meanwhile, I had been told almost every single day when he is " normal" that I was the best wife anyone can possibly expect to have or the best career partner… Now he is telling me that he has never been happy being with me. Again whenever the incident like this happens, this is always one of the things he tells me.

Will I ever know what is truly going through his mind?

[growing_wings]

Sophia... .

thanks for sharing. as for your question, splitting (seeing us as perfect individuals to then devaluate us to the bottom of the bottom) is a tough cookie to take and very painful. i take an extract from an article i read on BPD, might help you understand:

"You will never know where you stand with a Borderline, because they're not capable of discerning this for themselves--well, not beyond a few moments or hours at a time, anyway. One minute you're the center of their universe, but before you know it--you're dirt under their feet. You'll continually wrestle with this discrepancy, 'cause you're trying to make sense of it! Don't bother. It's nonsensical, until you start to accept that this is typical BPD behavior."

hope above helps ... .

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Growing_wings! To update everyone what is going on, i received one more email from my BPD husband two days ago after a long silence, he once again told me that he would not come back to me and insisted me filing a divorce… Meanwhile, the strangest thing is that he wants me to cash out one property in my hometown because he claims that he will never stay there again, no a word was mentioned about the other property we owned…  I am trying to figure out the reason why that property is singled out. Can it be because he believes that I might have confide with my brothers about the recent incident and he may feel embarrassed if he comes back to the relationship? Plus he himself posted a line on my brother's twitter account saying that he would not be his brother in law shortly within 24 hours he hailed himself out of the hotel room that night.

He even demanded me taking all his belongs to his cousin so that he can collect them. He does not even have the decency to come back to meet me face to face any more?

Of course, he has made the exact the same demands many times before…

i have not responded to him at all… A, i do not know what else to say   B, he really needs to figure out what he actually wants.

I am not the one who wants to have a divorce at this stage. I am certainly not going to contact any lawyers…

Why does he keep so demanding? Is it about controlling?

[growing_wings]

hi Sophia,

I am just throwing an idea based on my experience and on what i have read, might be wrong.

Given this is the first time you have not given in to his wishes nor chased him, he is in new territory, and indeed, he might feel the need to control you more. Also, he wants to instigate the response in you so you can go an chase him back. so he might be using words and threats that are worse than before... .

just an idea.

how do you feel?

sounds like you have a clear determination on your action of not filing a divorce, which i think is good (to be determined)

[Sophia66]

Thanks, Growing_wings! Obviously I have never behaved the same as I do now… It was always I who swallow the pill and took all my efforts to convince him back, or even physically went and took him home.

I have to thank my therapist for giving me the advice and guide me what to do in order to avoid being hurt further. It has been 4 days since the most email, and no more emails from him yet… I think you are right he might be trying to figure out what to do next to get my attention  or get me engaged in the drama… only God knows…

It has been incredibly difficult for me even though the same type of the incidents have happened many times before.

I have had many sleepless nights trying to get a clear head… I am not ready to file a divorce yet at this stage, but I need to set a boundary  for myself and I am hoping that he will realize it is he who has issues here and next time he will think twice before he decides to start another episode of drama again…

[growing_wings]

Sophia, well done on your setting boundaries. as said before, your determination is clear.

hope all goes well

[Sophia66]

Here is the update: Just received another email from husband demanding once again me selling one of our properties in my hometown, on the top of this more name callings saying that I was the most horrifying person beyond description, living with me had been such a torture… And not selling the properties on time could result in his extreme measures….

He sounded back to the extreme stage… is it because I have not responded to his demand or emails… Is it because I have not danced to his tone this time?

Any advice here please?

[growing_wings]

hi Sophia,

i think he is behaving in the way we were discussing before, trying all he can to get you to react. The question is really: what do you want to do?

you dont want to file for a divorce, this might be just  a waiting game (as crazy as it is!) for you to find out what is next, but things might escalate to a worse situation. are you prepared for that?

[Sophia66]

Thanks for the input! It has been such a roller coast riding for me emotionally for the last few years and life has been really stressful and unpredictable. One never knew what was going to happen next minute even though everything seemed to be perfect. It is not quite that I do not want to file divorce. It is because I think he should do it if it is what he wants so desperately. He has always been so demanding. I have to do things for him including ordering the food when dinning out. To him, it may be about power… but I am not going to do what he asks me to do this time.

I am going to write to him telling him I am ready to sign the papers if he decides to proceed. Reading his emails is a torture to me, all the name callings and verbal absuse.

[elemental]

He is having an extinction burst.

Let him have his tantrum and ignore him. He will escalate more, probably, then give it up and take some actual actions himself that involve coming home to sort things.

And of course, being treated so ugly is painful and it helps you to move out of the way of his direct line of fire.