I broke NC...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex sent me an email a couple of days ago, and I responded and broke NC.  She had heard through the grapevine of something that had happened in my life and just sent me an email congratulating me.  I was nervous when I opened it.  I thought about if I should read it or just delete it... . I decided to read it.  I took several hours to decide if I should respond it it, and I did with a simple thank you. 

I don't know if this was a recycle attempt or not.  There really was no reason to send me the email though.  I am dealing with the contact ok... . just ok.  I am not spinning around like I would of many times in the past, but I am just OK.  But it did start the thoughts in my head some.  I don't know if I took a step back, but I am wobbling in place at this time.  It helps to come here and read and help remember what she was like.  I don't remember anyone ever having the hold on me that this lady does/did (I am not stupid, I know she still has a hold on me).

It is not realistic for me to think that I will never cross paths with her again.  We live so close that I see her car every couple of weeks just driving. 

I am very comfortable with myself, and my ability to be alone.  I know I have to get out and start meeting new people, but I don't trust myself.  I don't trust woman at all anymore, or my ability to know a "good" woman.  This whole thing sucks, it was so much better when I didn't know what BPD was. 

[Tincup]

My ex sent me an email a couple of days ago, and I responded and broke NC.  She had heard through the grapevine of something that had happened in my life and just sent me an email congratulating me.  I was nervous when I opened it.  I thought about if I should read it or just delete it... . I decided to read it.  I took several hours to decide if I should respond it it, and I did with a simple thank you. 

I don't know if this was a recycle attempt or not.  There really was no reason to send me the email though.  I am dealing with the contact ok... . just ok.  I am not spinning around like I would of many times in the past, but I am just OK.  But it did start the thoughts in my head some.  I don't know if I took a step back, but I am wobbling in place at this time.  It helps to come here and read and help remember what she was like.  I don't remember anyone ever having the hold on me that this lady does/did (I am not stupid, I know she still has a hold on me).

It is not realistic for me to think that I will never cross paths with her again.  We live so close that I see her car every couple of weeks just driving. 

I am very comfortable with myself, and my ability to be alone.  I know I have to get out and start meeting new people, but I don't trust myself.  I don't trust woman at all anymore, or my ability to know a "good" woman.  This whole thing sucks, it was so much better when I didn't know what BPD was. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tincup,

That is tough, and I can understand your wobbliness.  I certainly was wobbly when pwBPD contacted me – after a year!  The thoughts may swirl around for a while, but they will pass.  Keep your focus on you and what you want in your life. 

I completely understand being hesitant about dating, it's normal to feel wary after all you've been through.  With time and working on your trust issues, this will change, too.

I don't think you've taken a step back – this detachment is a learning process.  You simply replied briefly to contact like any kind person would do.  Now, you are feeling what you're feeling, and it's okay.

Was this a good idea for you?  What might you do differently the next time?  Only you know what is best for your healing.  We're here to support you. 

[Murbay]

Tincup,

NC is a very difficult process at the best of times but you have to remember, it's only there as an aid to help with your own healing. There is no set rule to say you have to strictly follow it and only you know if you are ready to respond.

As with many people who have gone NC, we have all had that moment of either responding or wanting to respond. People heal differently and in some have gone LC, others have gone NC but responded and others have gone NC and stayed there. Everybody is different and only you can judge if it was the right decision for which stage of the healing process you are at. The most important thing is that you have recognised how it made you feel and that is perfectly normal and you should recognise this as a step forward, not a step back.

I sincerely wish you all the best with your healing process and have every faith that things will work out for you  

[Jayhawk21]

I have always been the one to break the NC. Leave the brief contact where it is and move on. I am fresh in a break but I see the chaos it's made my life.

Instead of remembering she has a hold on you: remember all the abuse you took, and that she controlled you.

That should strengthen the wobble m

Keep,strong and we are here for you.

[santa]

DUDE!

You've got to stay no contact. It's the only way.

Who cares if she congratulates you or not or what she thinks about anything? What difference does it make?

Send anything from her straight to the trash. Block her email.

C'mon man!

Do you want to get tangled up with this nutcase again? Hell no. Stay no contact.

[fromheeltoheal]

No contact is a tool that can help, and I've learned it can also hinder.  I needed to disappear without a trace when I left my ex because I was going INSANE and there was no other way to disconnect from the crazy and get my feet on the ground a little.

But I then learned about the disorder she could be the poster child for, and when she contacted me 6 months later her ploys and attempts were transparent and disgusting; not only did they not work, they reinforced my decision.

The problem with no contact can be we remember how our ex was when we were emotionally enmeshed in the relationship and they had all the power, at least in my case, and seeing them later with some disconnect and some education can really shift our opinion of them and what happened, and ultimately help us heal.  Baby steps though, a little can be very helpful, but too much too soon won't be.

[myself]

I am dealing with the contact ok... . just ok.  I am not spinning around like I would of many times in the past, but I am just OK.  But it did start the thoughts in my head some.  I don't know if I took a step back, but I am wobbling in place at this time.

Wobbling is better than being knocked down. That's progress. See it as a personal test you passed. NC is a tool for us to find emotional balance, clear our heads, and make better decisions. We can practice what we learn, but it's not until we put it in action that we see the real results. Remember, just because you passed this time doesn't mean you need to keep taking the same test over and over again.