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Author Topic: Help me guys? 24 hours since we split and she let me know she's on a date  (Read 776 times)
Changingman
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« Reply #30 on: January 27, 2014, 08:34:03 AM »

I think GOd spoke to me through you today, Changingman. Nothing I've read has been so dead on about my ex. Thank you. Please do that more often.

Thanks Buddy,

I've read your posts, it's wrong.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #31 on: January 27, 2014, 09:26:20 AM »

God, what a b*tch your ex is.

you're not alone, mine was always in bed with someone else whom he had been casually lining up in his home country, the minute we were split. It was always ALL MY FAULT of course. And I was WORSE, etc etc. I even forgave it once   

Changingman is indeed channelling a divine form of radical acceptance today :D I am also printing out the post. Thanks.

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Changingman
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« Reply #32 on: January 27, 2014, 09:43:09 AM »

Ok guys I took a big step by blocking her methods of texting me, messaging me etc, and all her emails will go into spam now.

I'm still really scared every time my phone/email goes off.

I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Good man Jayhawk,

I was exhausted at the end, near total breakdown ( maybe a breakdown who knows ). I really recommend some light physical exercise and build the relationship with your body back up. Watch the drinking, no candy/sweets/sugar rush.

It's terrifying this stuff, rocks your whole history and makes you question your memories. there may be more to see and understand than just this ex.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #33 on: January 27, 2014, 10:14:45 AM »

Changingmann,

   I really feel like Im close to a breakdown.

I agree with you, now is the time to take a look at me, and know why I not only got into this, but stayed, and allowed boundries to be crossed and i allowed the abuse.

lesson 1,2,3,4 are helping. especially coming to grips with the fact that I am co-dependent. I have not been very good to my body, I haven't hydrated, or eaten well, and I frankly find it hard to get out of bed. Im not going to drink, at all. And I am on Paleo so I dont eat sugar. I am looking back and realizing this situation ended up being about my my exwBPD but it stated because she is almost exactly like my mom. Same mannerisms, same sneeze, smell the same, even have the same name. I was trying to fix her because I couldnt fix my mom. Self inquiry will be the key I hope, for getting through this. I am venturing to start Yoga tonight- 1-bc its some exercise and 2. it's something new. It took me listening to a self hypnosis 4x times about letting go to get up out of bed.

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delusionalxox
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« Reply #34 on: January 27, 2014, 10:22:16 AM »

Jayhawk I DID have a total breakdown over the summer (uBPDexbf dumped me and ignored that I was pregnant and going through a termination... . only to pop up 3 months later when he'd got rid of his replacement gf, as if  nothing had happened... . the sickness is really beyond belief, these people just see as supply not human beings).

Please take great care of yourself. I'm STILL finding getting up hard as mornings are when I seem to be swamped with intrusive thoughts of the abuse, the waste of my life, how I wish I had  never met him, how much I want him to acknowledge what he has done and say sorry to me... . etc... . etc... .

if you need time off work and can get it, take it. This stuff is hard on our bodies. the Paleo sounds vg for your mental health, I neglected myself, didn't eat properly for about a month and still not in full health. Feel I aged about 10 years and look it too :D

I found self hypnosis brilliant... . I did one called 'future projection' nightly just to assure me there WAS  future... and there is.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2014, 10:26:08 AM »

My T sent me this awhile back, I have it hanging in my cubical at work. Im trying to surround myself with positive, but also the truth.

BPD is an extremely serious diagnosis that often lands people in the hospital or dead.  It's manageable if the person takes medication, attends therapy regularly and is motivated to make improvements.  Even then, however, in the best case scenario, family members, friends and partners will find the illness seriously challenging to deal with - especially long-term. This is because at their best, BPD's will strongly react to stress by lashing out at others, and will need near constant reassurance so that the relationship becomes extraordinarily draining - exhausting.  And, the relationship often feels entirely unfair, because you can give, and give and give, (not get much credit for what you're doing right), and be blasted if you forget one small need of the BPD person.  BPD's are also so consumed in their own inner world of turmoil that they find it difficult to focus on others' needs.  They care about others, but they operate by a different set of relationship standards than most, so that they don't understand the discrepancy between taking a lot (and not giving back in return consistently).  The relationship will always feel unfair, off-kilter, tumultuous and stressful, because no matter how hard someone works to make it right, the BPD is addicted to constant crisis.  BPDs are notorious for engineering crises - putting themselves in situations in which they need to be rescued or starting fights/conflicts with others so that their partners must rescue them.  They want/need to be rescued constantly because it is the only way they can feel loved.  Normal loving reassurance is never enough - they need chaos and a white knight in shining armor who never grows weary of rescue after rescue (even if the BPD damsel in distress puts herself repeatedly back into enemy territory to create the crisis herself).  BPDs will also drink heavily and do other bad behaviors partly to self-medicate, and partly to create crisis and the need to be rescued.  Deep down they know that they are mucked up, so even when the white knight arrives for rescue (e.g., let me help you stop drinking), they resent it because while it reinforces and reassures them that the knight cares, they also can't help but recognize that they are mucked up, have too many problems, and are not "deserving" of love.  BPDs want the constant rescues, but realistically worry that all these crises will one day cause the knight ultimately to reject them.  Their anger and low self-esteem causes them to lash out at the very knight who arrives to help.  It's a twisted, sick situation.

Some BPD women mellow out somewhat as they age, i.e., by the time they get to be about 50 they calm down somewhat.  But the damage from substance abuse, reckless self-destructive behaviors (eating disorders, suicidal gestures) is always dangerous and puts the person at risk for a tragedy to occur.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2014, 10:29:32 AM »

delusion,

I am REALLY sorry to hear that, that must have been horrible, my situation seems really small now.

I can tell you this: she isn't coming back, right now shes trying to push my buttons but she thinks you get strength through pain, she has a tattoo on her shoulder that says "The heart is for Bleeding"

SO she will not come back to be involved with me.

Now to try to start focusing on the lessons.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2014, 10:37:01 AM »

Temperature is rising

Fever is high

Can't see no future

Can't see the sky

My feet are so heavy

So is my head

I wish I was a baby

I wish I was dead

Oh I'll be a good boy

Please make me well

I'll promise you anything

To get out of this hell

To understand and respect the character and the power of our own irrational and innate addictions nature and ability to abandon the past, destroy the present, and threaten the absolute course of our futures to simply alleviate the unbearable pain of this brief immediate moment is a short crash course in our own insanity. I know it well... .

And we thought... . we are the "normal" ones?

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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2014, 10:52:45 AM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #39 on: January 27, 2014, 11:07:48 AM »

Jay,

  Contradictory to your therapist... . 90% of that is really true and resounding however it is a fallicy that an untreated pwBPD gets better with age. If they are untreated and pre-menopausal that is actually when it gets worse. It is very common to find untreated BPD's wandering the streets homeless (later in life) or in mental hospitals. It is an extremely sad and frustrating disorder.

A day before I was dumped for the 6th and final time, I went for a walk with a friend. I told her I was sick of being a caregiver. This relationship was 99.8% my ex and her needs. Mine, were completely unmet and I was suffering trying to keep up with her endless needs.  I walked on eggshells constantly and was so depressed.

I am still depressed but things are looking up.  I don't have to worry about when the other shoe will drop. Now I can focus on me and my new relationship which is a polar opposite of what I came out of. All I have to do is focus on the now and keep myself safe from the past resurfacing.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #40 on: January 27, 2014, 11:12:02 AM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.

When we find the courage to strip ourselves down and stand in soul nakedness in a puddle of our tears fiddling with the inner workings of our connections... . expect a shock... . or two. These... . are bare wires.
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TheRoadtoNowhere
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« Reply #41 on: January 27, 2014, 11:50:19 AM »

  Well said shadowdancer... .

  Jay, your on the right track man... . Stay strong

  Changing man, what can I say, you tell it like it is, sometimes thats exactly what we need, I know it helped me.

Btw, brilliant post earlier, its already hanging up in my office!
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Changingman
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« Reply #42 on: January 27, 2014, 11:56:23 AM »

Changingmann,

   I really feel like Im close to a breakdown.

I agree with you, now is the time to take a look at me, and know why I not only got into this, but stayed, and allowed boundries to be crossed and i allowed the abuse.

lesson 1,2,3,4 are helping. especially coming to grips with the fact that I am co-dependent. I have not been very good to my body, I haven't hydrated, or eaten well, and I frankly find it hard to get out of bed. Im not going to drink, at all. And I am on Paleo so I dont eat sugar. I am looking back and realizing this situation ended up being about my my exwBPD but it stated because she is almost exactly like my mom. Same mannerisms, same sneeze, smell the same, even have the same name. I was trying to fix her because I couldnt fix my mom. Self inquiry will be the key I hope, for getting through this. I am venturing to start Yoga tonight- 1-bc its some exercise and 2. it's something new. It took me listening to a self hypnosis 4x times about letting go to get up out of bed.

The inability to love. F***

You will not have a breakdown you will take small steps to recovery, you will forgive yourself for being a child and not being able to help your mother. You will shrug your shoulders tha you couldn't help the terminally doomed. Christ! the adults on this site cannot help these demons. What's an 8 year old to do?

Wrong, I have 2 children and would never do such s*** to them as my mother did to us. We are brand new now, wiped clean. Starting over.

They do not get better, they lose strength. They get as messed up looking on the outside as they do on the inside. They run out of everything, but really who cares. Just keep away.

Love it ShadowDancer

BPD blues
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Changingman
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« Reply #43 on: January 27, 2014, 12:08:23 PM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.

When we find the courage to strip ourselves down and stand in soul nakedness in a puddle of our tears fiddling with the inner workings of our connections... . expect a shock... . or two. These... . are bare wires.

Raw

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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #44 on: January 27, 2014, 12:19:59 PM »

You guys have been great.

thank you for the support.
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Take2
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« Reply #45 on: January 27, 2014, 12:27:07 PM »

I'm dying inside right now... . I foolishly had lunch with mine.  I cried the entire time

its like I'm some pathetic 13 yro and its as if he's morphed into a normal guy who is totally exclusive with someone he met 3 weeks ago

I am 46 yrs old.  And I thought I was the normal one.

wow sure doesn't look or feel that way now

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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #46 on: January 27, 2014, 12:28:05 PM »

She is getting all dressed up dressing me down

Sayin I'm a fool, implying I'm a clown

But there is something inside me you didn't believe

I aint no baby cryin into my sleeve

So if you are unhappy and want to leave

Don't expect me to do anything but grieve

The child that I was and the boy I have been

Because I am a different man than I was... . then

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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #47 on: January 27, 2014, 12:59:44 PM »

I'm dying inside right now... . I foolishly had lunch with mine.  I cried the entire time

its like I'm some pathetic 13 yro and its as if he's morphed into a normal guy who is totally exclusive with someone he met 3 weeks ago

I am 46 yrs old.  And I thought I was the normal one.

wow sure doesn't look or feel that way now

I am quite sure his empty sands were gloatingly soaking up your tears into the forever shape shifting dunes of his ravaged barren existential landscape of dust devils of aimless desire and ever changing whirl winds of lost self.

What I have found to be true is the creature that grows strongest is the beast that I feed.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #48 on: January 27, 2014, 01:00:55 PM »

Take2,

Stay Away!
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charred
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« Reply #49 on: January 27, 2014, 01:13:07 PM »

Jay,

  Contradictory to your therapist... . 90% of that is really true and resounding however it is a fallicy that an untreated pwBPD gets better with age. If they are untreated and pre-menopausal that is actually when it gets worse. It is very common to find untreated BPD's wandering the streets homeless (later in life) or in mental hospitals. It is an extremely sad and frustrating disorder.

A day before I was dumped for the 6th and final time, I went for a walk with a friend. I told her I was sick of being a caregiver. This relationship was 99.8% my ex and her needs. Mine, were completely unmet and I was suffering trying to keep up with her endless needs.  I walked on eggshells constantly and was so depressed.

I am still depressed but things are looking up.  I don't have to worry about when the other shoe will drop. Now I can focus on me and my new relationship which is a polar opposite of what I came out of. All I have to do is focus on the now and keep myself safe from the past resurfacing.

Actually... . they get much better with age.

My pwBPD was 10x the manipulator/liar at 46 that she was at 19 when I first met her... . worlds better liar.

I saw her father (who I hadn't seen in over 20 yrs ) and asked how his daughter (my exGF) was doing ... .

His comment was "She is the same as was, only MORE SO."

My sister tried to give me an update on my exBPDgf... . this is after 18 months of no word and finally appreciating that being the case... and I stopped her, she had to slip in one little comment... "anyway, sounds like she is going to lose her job... its all catching up with her... . she is nuts."

Now that she is older she maintains multiple sets of FB pages, and guys that will comment and like whatever she posts... so she is setup to torture the next poor SOB that comes along.

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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #50 on: January 27, 2014, 01:30:13 PM »

You know what's sad, I didnt mind the caregiving part so much. It made me feel good that as a man it was my job to make sure she was taken care of.

Sometimes she wanted it and sometimes she said I was smothering her.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #51 on: January 27, 2014, 01:31:23 PM »

and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #52 on: January 27, 2014, 01:36:02 PM »

and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself.

In the looking back... . I must admit... . at that time in my life, for my own separate reasons, I had gunpowder in my heart and kerosene on my breath and she... . was my perfect match.

The only real proof is the result... . KA-BOOM!
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #53 on: January 27, 2014, 01:39:48 PM »

There is a difference between being a strong. supportive man and a caregiver, Jay.

A caregiver is someone who pretty much lets all their needs slide for this other person.  It truly becomes a co-dependent situation.

BPD's put out their siren songs to anyone who will listen. They are ALWAYS in need. The needs are never reciprocated.

I am walking, living and breathing proof.  The day my best friend of 20yrs told me she could not be friends because I was gay I was really sad. I cancelled dinner plans with my ex, told her I needed some alone time to process what just happened.

I was dumped that day, on the phone and she ran off to her ex in Minnesota. I had just lost my best friend for this woman I loved and she deserted me. She returned a month later and I was stupid and took her back. Any time I needed consoling I was dumped and I spent 98% of my time trying to cater to her needs and shield my emotions.

That is not living, Jay. It just isn't.
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« Reply #54 on: January 27, 2014, 02:05:45 PM »

"and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself... . "

  Jay, thats what they do, its who they are,... . you will never be able to love them enough, or work hard enough, its just not possible.  I remember all the hard work and sacrifices I suffered thru, I do not believe they are capable of truly appreciating what we do for them.  The kick in the head is that, the more we do for them, the more they resent us, and the more they take advantage of us.  It makes them feel unworthy, (they do not believe they are worthy, or "good enough" to warrant such devotion, love or kindness. So they start to "devalue" our love and commitment to them... . We are the willing participants to our own demise, the architects of our own destruction... .

Good luck and God bless,

RMOUSEY!
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #55 on: January 27, 2014, 02:21:05 PM »

Well said, RMOUSEY!
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #56 on: January 27, 2014, 03:16:06 PM »

There is a difference between being a strong. supportive man and a caregiver, Jay.

A caregiver is someone who pretty much lets all their needs slide for this other person.  It truly becomes a co-dependent situation.

BPD's put out their siren songs to anyone who will listen. They are ALWAYS in need. The needs are never reciprocated.


That is not living, Jay. It just isn't.

I know it isn't.  I keep that, among all the nasty venom she sent me, in fact I might make a little sheet of all of her "Greatest Attacks on my character" and carry it with me.

It's day 2 and I loved her like I've never loved another woman, so it's pretty raw, and unfortunately it was familar to me.
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« Reply #57 on: January 27, 2014, 04:20:01 PM »

I feel your pain, Jayhawk.  Mine was on Match.com dating before I even knew we were through.  We were supposed to marry.  He told me I was his best friend.  Some best friend, huh?

Broke off the week before Thanksgiving.  I have good and bad days.  Going through a spell where I cry a lot again, feel like I am back at Day one today.

This is like a nightmare.
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Murbay
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« Reply #58 on: January 27, 2014, 04:36:27 PM »

I'm so sorry you are going through this Jay, just remember though, it isn't you.

I found out tonight that mine has been in a new relationship for a week, only a week after she asked for a bit of time to herself so she could process the death of her best friend the week before. Like a gullible idiot I have been validating her feelings when she texts me to tell me how bad she is feeling.

You will hurt, have a range of emotions and feel a lot of pain but you will come through it, they never will.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #59 on: January 27, 2014, 09:35:59 PM »

RMOUSEY that is the truth, sing it loud!

Yeah my ex was on POF quick. He'll be a rebound, its just how long he lasts, till she uses him up and spits him out.

That was exactly it. I treated her way better then anyone ever had, friends, mom, sisters, xh, or some of the guys she dated between him and me.

That comes out when she is really drunk. she like to be humiliated. I like a bit of dirty talk like the next guy, but she would almost make me feel guilty bc I felt like I wasn't treating my woman right.
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