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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Help me guys? 24 hours since we split and she let me know she's on a date  (Read 3483 times)
Jayhawk21
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« on: January 26, 2014, 08:34:46 PM »

She emailed me this. After badgering me for part of the day.

Btw... . Josh is a great kisser. Thanks. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Sent from my Sprint phone.


I have NC her. But this makes it hard. I'm really jealous.
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santa
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« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2014, 08:40:49 PM »

Block her email. Nothing she does matters. Just freeze her out. She's just trying to upset you.
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LilMissSunshine
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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2014, 08:55:37 PM »

She's classic borderline hit_.  Hey, at least you didn't get the naked text pics of your replacement (aka Sagatha) like I did     but serious. 

Intended for the sole purpose of HURTING you    I Really can't stand these people.   Jayhawk  - hang in there   
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2014, 09:09:12 PM »

She wants a response, looking to see if she still has you, looking to see if the attachment is still in place, while she looks for a new one. Up to you if you bite, you will need all of your strength now if you don't want to be with her. Anger helps too.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2014, 09:28:25 PM »

Well I didn't respond.

However. I did find out she's full of sh!t. She would NEVER let a guy over that she never met in person, so I know he didn't come over.

So I did swing by her house to see if her hood was warm-ice cold, and stuck my hand in the wheel well- ice cold.

She even sent it from her phone to imply she was out. She has an iPad. For once I'm leaving her alone which is what she asked for.
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santa
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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2014, 09:35:02 PM »

Well I didn't respond.

However. I did find out she's full of sh!t. She would NEVER let a guy over that she never met in person, so I know he didn't come over.

So I did swing by her house to see if her hood was warm-ice cold, and stuck my hand in the wheel well- ice cold.

She even sent it from her phone to imply she was out. She has an iPad. For once I'm leaving her alone which is what she asked for.

Dude!

You can't be doing stuff like that. You're going to get yourself arrested if she's really BPD.

That's not what I'd classify as "no contact" either.

If you truly want to breakup with her, you've got to put this stuff behind you and stop caring what she does.

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Take2
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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2014, 09:35:18 PM »

Good for you for not falling for it.  How incredibly cruel of her to do that!

Mine has threatened many times to send me pix of him out on a date.  He follows through on threats but fortunately not that one.  

Now work on detaching enough that you don't even bother to go check how warm her car is... . way easier said than done for the place you are emotionally right now.  I totally know that and am living it.  
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2014, 10:15:10 PM »

Well. Right after I left I went home, blocked her from every email  account she has in everyone I have. Then I blocked her from calling, texting, Imessaging. Believe me when I tell you that's a big step for me. I've never gone to that extreme.

I know at some point she will go out. As will I. However she couldn't wait 36 hours to not rub it in?
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Perfidy
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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2014, 10:20:32 PM »

That's one bridge I would burn.
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Take2
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« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2014, 10:22:02 PM »

Jayhawk. ... it was brutal what she did.  That's not how r/s are supposed to be.  Obviously you know that.  I think you are handling things pretty well from the sound of all your posts.  This is fresh pain for you and must be overwhelming.  

You sound stronger today than yesterday.   I too cried all day yesterday and this by no means is my first recycle... .  

Be good to yourself right now.  You most certainly deserve it.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2014, 10:23:32 PM »

I have the Frankenstein torches out as we speak.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2014, 10:33:32 PM »

Take2

I was good to myself. I got up, went to a friend's house who loves me. Had a good meal then came home and settled in. Hung w my cat.
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Take2
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« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2014, 10:37:33 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

sounds like you did good. ... .

I'm impressed with your strength. ... I hope to follow suit...
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myself
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« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2014, 10:52:37 PM »

that's a big step for me

It's new, so it probably feels uncomfortable. You'll get used to it. It's stopping her from getting to you, and keeping your curiosity from having ways to get yourself in trouble. No more games.

Big steps are great. There were many smaller steps to get there and many more to come.

One of the biggest is being done with the dysfunctional r/s.

I was good to myself.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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buddy1226
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« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2014, 11:30:24 PM »

Not that it's about this but you have the power if you stay NC. If she is doing high school BS like this then she is loosing it big time. She is also misserable. One who is moving on and happy does not need to let her ex know. My money is that she she doesn't have a date. Mine was screwing a dude that lives close to me a week or so after we spit. She even told me she wanted to sleep with other men. Seeing her car in his yard still haunts me tremendously. It also lets us know what skanks they are. That doesn't take away the pain of having loved them and being treated like this though. Hag in there, man. You're're dong great.
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buddy1226
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« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2014, 11:38:20 PM »

Oh wow. I just saw what you did. You can't do that man. She owns you if you are doing stuff like that. That's not NC either. I know it's hard. Believe me, I know but you have to get her out of your life unless you want chaos and pain. I struggle with it every day and mine put me in jail with trumped up charges to deal with!  She is poison to you man! She is the devil and wants to destroy you. Pull it together.
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Changingman
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« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2014, 02:32:39 AM »

Pain sadism humiliation,

She is leading you to some pretty f***** up places. This will haunt you for life. Radical acceptence... . this is the c*** you were with, no ifs no buts. No changing no closure no discussion no respect no human being.

You have two choices:

Contact! Feel all the pain, betrayal and humiliation she can give you, the victim to her sadism


Or refuse to let her hurt you anymore. Nothing, gone, she is this demon in your life and the key is contact. You'll sweat and grind and be terminally bored. This is cold turkey. And what she has abused  inside you will shout and scream and demand another hit.

Hey maybe a magic trick will change her back into the pantomime princess she made herself for you while she started to eat away at your life.

She is now! This is the absolute truth, this is the hidden passenger that was staring at you from behind make up and dresses and lies. She can hardly understand her own emotions, YOURS? Ha you're a doll for her play, you'll be left broken while she laughs.

No More Oks

It's not ok what she does! No contact

You cannot change her or the situation! No contact

There is a life more beautiful for you ahead, you're not a 13 year old girl. Man up. No crazy

No more excuses or apologies, whatever you did or didn't do was and is meaningless to her. That's vanity.

Stop beating yourself up, you're out of the cage and it feels drunk to wander away from the containment. You've been conditioned to polish the bars. No contact.

Cry, ache, feel your emotions. Your body is not a temple it's a machine. Don't be ashamed of your feelings.

Don't harm yourself or anyone else. If you feel like it change the thought to exercise or healthy eating or something positive for you.

Well done you know you are capable of love and commitment, now find someone f****** worthy of you.

Good luck my friend, the journey is more complex than we had imagined.

Angry is good, but get out of her script. She has such plans for you.

It is not the sun the moon and the stars it's just her, what a ... .




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Moonie75
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« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2014, 02:43:23 AM »

Pain sadism humiliation,

She is leading you to some pretty f***** up places. This will haunt you for life. Radical acceptence... . this is the c*** you were with, no ifs no buts. No changing no closure no discussion no respect no human being.

You have two choices:

Contact! Feel all the pain, betrayal and humiliation she can give you, the victim to her sadism


Or refuse to let her hurt you anymore. Nothing, gone, she is this demon in your life and the key is contact. You'll sweat and grind and be terminally bored. This is cold turkey. And what she has abused  inside you will shout and scream and demand another hit.

Hey maybe a magic trick will change her back into the pantomime princess she made herself for you while she started to eat away at your life.

She is now! This is the absolute truth, this is the hidden passenger that was staring at you from behind make up and dresses and lies. She can hardly understand her own emotions, YOURS? Ha you're a doll for her play, you'll be left broken while she laughs.

No More Oks

It's not ok what she does! No contact

You cannot change her or the situation! No contact

There is a life more beautiful for you ahead, you're not a 13 year old girl. Man up. No crazy

No more excuses or apologies, whatever you did or didn't do was and is meaningless to her. That's vanity.

Stop beating yourself up, you're out of the cage and it feels drunk to wander away from the containment. You've been conditioned to polish the bars. No contact.

Cry, ache, feel your emotions. Your body is not a temple it's a machine. Don't be ashamed of your feelings.

Don't harm yourself or anyone else. If you feel like it change the thought to exercise or healthy eating or something positive for you.

Well done you know you are capable of love and commitment, now find someone f****** worthy of you.

Good luck my friend, the journey is more complex than we had imagined.

Angry is good, but get out of her script. She has such plans for you.

It is not the sun the moon and the stars it's just her, what a ... .


Get this man a book deal! Self help books!

That was a wicked post Changingman!

Loved reading that, thank you.
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Changingman
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« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2014, 03:31:03 AM »

Thank you Moonie,

( I'm learning to accept compliments )

Makes my heart bleed to read these posts sometimes. I've only just understood what boundaries mean to these BPDsters. No direction home

Jay hawk,

Learn breathing techniques, and if you have that ball of anxiety go to mindfull.org and read the seatle programs for soldiers. It gets rid of it.

Moonie like the hipster details of your posts. Pretty green label?

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Moonie75
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« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2014, 03:36:49 AM »

Absolutely Changingman, cheeky baby  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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Dog biscuit
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« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2014, 03:49:02 AM »

Wow, what a cruel thing to do! Sorry you have to go trough this 

There is some sound advice given here, hopes it helps to ease the pain a bit.

Blocking her, as you did is the only way to go!
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2014, 04:08:34 AM »

Thanks guys. Your posts of support mean a lot. Changingman you put it perfectly. She has a dark passenger, whom I've been in a deadlock for years. He just got a name put to the face. No matter how I look at it ultimately, she is a demon. She only cares about her own anguish, and like an infected organ in your body, she tries to attach to another organ to make her toxin less.

She has no boundaries when I'm not under her control. What's scary is: I have a feeling this is just the beginning. I'm sure next is insults about my kids- which she said while I was walking out the door last time.

Why does the passenger hide at times? You see the reasonable, rational person who seems to feel remorse, then, almost in the same breath I see the light die in her eyes, they become as dead as the dark side of the moon. I saw that happen Saturday.

I feel like I'm just on a lonely island trying to survive right now and you all are my only shot of rescue.

I AM capable of love and commitment and loyalty. When I look back at the recycle (at least 7-8x now) I see me getting meaner, nastier, more vindictive, more spiteful, and less caring. It has become accepted in my life to be put down, emotionally, physically, mentally abused and for no apologies to happen. I have felt like the longer I am with her, the more I am LIKE her. I don't strive to be mean or evil, say mean things to hurt other people.

It's like my mind is sabotaging my interaction with her to get her away from me.

I don't want to feel like this failure is all my fault anymore.

I don't want to be in her book anymore, neither does my body or my mind.

Please help me guys to stay strong.

When I get to work today I am printing that out Changingman. And carrying that with me.

Thank you all for your continuing reality check. I need the constant reminder.

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Changingman
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« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2014, 04:54:20 AM »

God speed to you man. The ship is coming. Protect and Survive, isolation is a gift. Use it wisely.

I am still healing myself, life is hard and so am I.
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Take2
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« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2014, 06:32:05 AM »

I sometimes have a tough time with blunt reactions to the insanity I have kept myself in with my situation with a BPD guy, but the tough approach of your post does help even me Changingman.

The addiction and withdrawal and pain all in one- it's brutal.

And I myself am SICK of actinglike and feeling like a 13 year old.

I may be female but I too need to man up.

thanks.
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DiamondSW
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« Reply #24 on: January 27, 2014, 06:51:05 AM »

She's just 'going for it' to be nasty.  Simply that.

My ex went on 7 dates in 7 days with the same man, about a week after we split (i ended it so this was her revenge).  Then the man went too far, all her intimacy alarms went ding dong, he got pushed away (probably with A LOT of verbal nastiness), and then my ExBPDgf got an absolute text battering from hell from this man's mother! 

Yuck.  Just remember she's doing it to HURT you.  And behind the facade, she couldn't give 2 hoots about this doughnut.  He could be anyone, but he's got a (small) willy and she's gonna use him to hurt you in every way she can think of right now. 

I've seen the term 'replacement' used lots on this site.  Hes not a replacement, he's just someone to screw with your feelings.  He'll be gone soonish. 

Hopefully you'll be well rid of both of them
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growing_wings
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« Reply #25 on: January 27, 2014, 07:37:47 AM »

Pain sadism humiliation,

She is leading you to some pretty f***** up places. This will haunt you for life. Radical acceptence... . this is the c*** you were with, no ifs no buts. No changing no closure no discussion no respect no human being.

You have two choices:

Contact! Feel all the pain, betrayal and humiliation she can give you, the victim to her sadism


Or refuse to let her hurt you anymore. Nothing, gone, she is this demon in your life and the key is contact. You'll sweat and grind and be terminally bored. This is cold turkey. And what she has abused  inside you will shout and scream and demand another hit.

Hey maybe a magic trick will change her back into the pantomime princess she made herself for you while she started to eat away at your life.

She is now! This is the absolute truth, this is the hidden passenger that was staring at you from behind make up and dresses and lies. She can hardly understand her own emotions, YOURS? Ha you're a doll for her play, you'll be left broken while she laughs.

No More Oks

It's not ok what she does! No contact

You cannot change her or the situation! No contact

There is a life more beautiful for you ahead, you're not a 13 year old girl. Man up. No crazy

No more excuses or apologies, whatever you did or didn't do was and is meaningless to her. That's vanity.

Stop beating yourself up, you're out of the cage and it feels drunk to wander away from the containment. You've been conditioned to polish the bars. No contact.

Cry, ache, feel your emotions. Your body is not a temple it's a machine. Don't be ashamed of your feelings.

Don't harm yourself or anyone else. If you feel like it change the thought to exercise or healthy eating or something positive for you.

Well done you know you are capable of love and commitment, now find someone f****** worthy of you.

Good luck my friend, the journey is more complex than we had imagined.

Angry is good, but get out of her script. She has such plans for you.

It is not the sun the moon and the stars it's just her, what a ... .


Get this man a book deal! Self help books!

That was a wicked post Changingman!

Loved reading that, thank you.

i am printing this out for myself! love this... . it is SOO true... and will come in handy when the weakness to go after her creeps up
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #26 on: January 27, 2014, 07:53:24 AM »

Jay,

It's a game. It's a game to make you jealous and keep you hooked in her insanity.  My ex did this many times to me.  It's her being insecure and wanting to keep control of you.

So she kissed this other dude.  Whatever.  Not your problem anymore.  Plus any mature stable person would not feel the need to rub other ppl in your face. 

You deserve better. Stay NC and be prepared for more of the same old shyt. If you can change your contact info I advise it. 
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buddy1226
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« Reply #27 on: January 27, 2014, 08:22:27 AM »

I think GOd spoke to me through you today, Changingman. Nothing I've read has been so dead on about my ex. Thank you. Please do that more often.
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Changingman
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« Reply #28 on: January 27, 2014, 08:30:35 AM »

I sometimes have a tough time with blunt reactions to the insanity I have kept myself in with my situation with a BPD guy, but the tough approach of your post does help even me Changingman.

The addiction and withdrawal and pain all in one- it's brutal.

And I myself am SICK of actinglike and feeling like a 13 year old.

I may be female but I too need to man up.

thanks.

Yes Take2,

Brutal and psychopathic.

Get their hands of you, now

Strength to you on your journey.

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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #29 on: January 27, 2014, 08:31:04 AM »

Ok guys I took a big step by blocking her methods of texting me, messaging me etc, and all her emails will go into spam now.

I'm still really scared every time my phone/email goes off.

I'm just so tired of being hurt.
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Changingman
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« Reply #30 on: January 27, 2014, 08:34:03 AM »

I think GOd spoke to me through you today, Changingman. Nothing I've read has been so dead on about my ex. Thank you. Please do that more often.

Thanks Buddy,

I've read your posts, it's wrong.
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delusionalxox
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« Reply #31 on: January 27, 2014, 09:26:20 AM »

God, what a b*tch your ex is.

you're not alone, mine was always in bed with someone else whom he had been casually lining up in his home country, the minute we were split. It was always ALL MY FAULT of course. And I was WORSE, etc etc. I even forgave it once   

Changingman is indeed channelling a divine form of radical acceptance today :D I am also printing out the post. Thanks.

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Changingman
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« Reply #32 on: January 27, 2014, 09:43:09 AM »

Ok guys I took a big step by blocking her methods of texting me, messaging me etc, and all her emails will go into spam now.

I'm still really scared every time my phone/email goes off.

I'm just so tired of being hurt.

Good man Jayhawk,

I was exhausted at the end, near total breakdown ( maybe a breakdown who knows ). I really recommend some light physical exercise and build the relationship with your body back up. Watch the drinking, no candy/sweets/sugar rush.

It's terrifying this stuff, rocks your whole history and makes you question your memories. there may be more to see and understand than just this ex.
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #33 on: January 27, 2014, 10:14:45 AM »

Changingmann,

   I really feel like Im close to a breakdown.

I agree with you, now is the time to take a look at me, and know why I not only got into this, but stayed, and allowed boundries to be crossed and i allowed the abuse.

lesson 1,2,3,4 are helping. especially coming to grips with the fact that I am co-dependent. I have not been very good to my body, I haven't hydrated, or eaten well, and I frankly find it hard to get out of bed. Im not going to drink, at all. And I am on Paleo so I dont eat sugar. I am looking back and realizing this situation ended up being about my my exwBPD but it stated because she is almost exactly like my mom. Same mannerisms, same sneeze, smell the same, even have the same name. I was trying to fix her because I couldnt fix my mom. Self inquiry will be the key I hope, for getting through this. I am venturing to start Yoga tonight- 1-bc its some exercise and 2. it's something new. It took me listening to a self hypnosis 4x times about letting go to get up out of bed.

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delusionalxox
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« Reply #34 on: January 27, 2014, 10:22:16 AM »

Jayhawk I DID have a total breakdown over the summer (uBPDexbf dumped me and ignored that I was pregnant and going through a termination... . only to pop up 3 months later when he'd got rid of his replacement gf, as if  nothing had happened... . the sickness is really beyond belief, these people just see as supply not human beings).

Please take great care of yourself. I'm STILL finding getting up hard as mornings are when I seem to be swamped with intrusive thoughts of the abuse, the waste of my life, how I wish I had  never met him, how much I want him to acknowledge what he has done and say sorry to me... . etc... . etc... .

if you need time off work and can get it, take it. This stuff is hard on our bodies. the Paleo sounds vg for your mental health, I neglected myself, didn't eat properly for about a month and still not in full health. Feel I aged about 10 years and look it too :D

I found self hypnosis brilliant... . I did one called 'future projection' nightly just to assure me there WAS  future... and there is.
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« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2014, 10:26:08 AM »

My T sent me this awhile back, I have it hanging in my cubical at work. Im trying to surround myself with positive, but also the truth.

BPD is an extremely serious diagnosis that often lands people in the hospital or dead.  It's manageable if the person takes medication, attends therapy regularly and is motivated to make improvements.  Even then, however, in the best case scenario, family members, friends and partners will find the illness seriously challenging to deal with - especially long-term. This is because at their best, BPD's will strongly react to stress by lashing out at others, and will need near constant reassurance so that the relationship becomes extraordinarily draining - exhausting.  And, the relationship often feels entirely unfair, because you can give, and give and give, (not get much credit for what you're doing right), and be blasted if you forget one small need of the BPD person.  BPD's are also so consumed in their own inner world of turmoil that they find it difficult to focus on others' needs.  They care about others, but they operate by a different set of relationship standards than most, so that they don't understand the discrepancy between taking a lot (and not giving back in return consistently).  The relationship will always feel unfair, off-kilter, tumultuous and stressful, because no matter how hard someone works to make it right, the BPD is addicted to constant crisis.  BPDs are notorious for engineering crises - putting themselves in situations in which they need to be rescued or starting fights/conflicts with others so that their partners must rescue them.  They want/need to be rescued constantly because it is the only way they can feel loved.  Normal loving reassurance is never enough - they need chaos and a white knight in shining armor who never grows weary of rescue after rescue (even if the BPD damsel in distress puts herself repeatedly back into enemy territory to create the crisis herself).  BPDs will also drink heavily and do other bad behaviors partly to self-medicate, and partly to create crisis and the need to be rescued.  Deep down they know that they are mucked up, so even when the white knight arrives for rescue (e.g., let me help you stop drinking), they resent it because while it reinforces and reassures them that the knight cares, they also can't help but recognize that they are mucked up, have too many problems, and are not "deserving" of love.  BPDs want the constant rescues, but realistically worry that all these crises will one day cause the knight ultimately to reject them.  Their anger and low self-esteem causes them to lash out at the very knight who arrives to help.  It's a twisted, sick situation.

Some BPD women mellow out somewhat as they age, i.e., by the time they get to be about 50 they calm down somewhat.  But the damage from substance abuse, reckless self-destructive behaviors (eating disorders, suicidal gestures) is always dangerous and puts the person at risk for a tragedy to occur.
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« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2014, 10:29:32 AM »

delusion,

I am REALLY sorry to hear that, that must have been horrible, my situation seems really small now.

I can tell you this: she isn't coming back, right now shes trying to push my buttons but she thinks you get strength through pain, she has a tattoo on her shoulder that says "The heart is for Bleeding"

SO she will not come back to be involved with me.

Now to try to start focusing on the lessons.
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« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2014, 10:37:01 AM »

Temperature is rising

Fever is high

Can't see no future

Can't see the sky

My feet are so heavy

So is my head

I wish I was a baby

I wish I was dead

Oh I'll be a good boy

Please make me well

I'll promise you anything

To get out of this hell

To understand and respect the character and the power of our own irrational and innate addictions nature and ability to abandon the past, destroy the present, and threaten the absolute course of our futures to simply alleviate the unbearable pain of this brief immediate moment is a short crash course in our own insanity. I know it well... .

And we thought... . we are the "normal" ones?

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« Reply #38 on: January 27, 2014, 10:52:45 AM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.
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« Reply #39 on: January 27, 2014, 11:07:48 AM »

Jay,

  Contradictory to your therapist... . 90% of that is really true and resounding however it is a fallicy that an untreated pwBPD gets better with age. If they are untreated and pre-menopausal that is actually when it gets worse. It is very common to find untreated BPD's wandering the streets homeless (later in life) or in mental hospitals. It is an extremely sad and frustrating disorder.

A day before I was dumped for the 6th and final time, I went for a walk with a friend. I told her I was sick of being a caregiver. This relationship was 99.8% my ex and her needs. Mine, were completely unmet and I was suffering trying to keep up with her endless needs.  I walked on eggshells constantly and was so depressed.

I am still depressed but things are looking up.  I don't have to worry about when the other shoe will drop. Now I can focus on me and my new relationship which is a polar opposite of what I came out of. All I have to do is focus on the now and keep myself safe from the past resurfacing.
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« Reply #40 on: January 27, 2014, 11:12:02 AM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.

When we find the courage to strip ourselves down and stand in soul nakedness in a puddle of our tears fiddling with the inner workings of our connections... . expect a shock... . or two. These... . are bare wires.
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« Reply #41 on: January 27, 2014, 11:50:19 AM »

  Well said shadowdancer... .

  Jay, your on the right track man... . Stay strong

  Changing man, what can I say, you tell it like it is, sometimes thats exactly what we need, I know it helped me.

Btw, brilliant post earlier, its already hanging up in my office!
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« Reply #42 on: January 27, 2014, 11:56:23 AM »

Changingmann,

   I really feel like Im close to a breakdown.

I agree with you, now is the time to take a look at me, and know why I not only got into this, but stayed, and allowed boundries to be crossed and i allowed the abuse.

lesson 1,2,3,4 are helping. especially coming to grips with the fact that I am co-dependent. I have not been very good to my body, I haven't hydrated, or eaten well, and I frankly find it hard to get out of bed. Im not going to drink, at all. And I am on Paleo so I dont eat sugar. I am looking back and realizing this situation ended up being about my my exwBPD but it stated because she is almost exactly like my mom. Same mannerisms, same sneeze, smell the same, even have the same name. I was trying to fix her because I couldnt fix my mom. Self inquiry will be the key I hope, for getting through this. I am venturing to start Yoga tonight- 1-bc its some exercise and 2. it's something new. It took me listening to a self hypnosis 4x times about letting go to get up out of bed.

The inability to love. F***

You will not have a breakdown you will take small steps to recovery, you will forgive yourself for being a child and not being able to help your mother. You will shrug your shoulders tha you couldn't help the terminally doomed. Christ! the adults on this site cannot help these demons. What's an 8 year old to do?

Wrong, I have 2 children and would never do such s*** to them as my mother did to us. We are brand new now, wiped clean. Starting over.

They do not get better, they lose strength. They get as messed up looking on the outside as they do on the inside. They run out of everything, but really who cares. Just keep away.

Love it ShadowDancer

BPD blues
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« Reply #43 on: January 27, 2014, 12:08:23 PM »

shadow,

That couldnt fit me anymore more perfect right now.

When we find the courage to strip ourselves down and stand in soul nakedness in a puddle of our tears fiddling with the inner workings of our connections... . expect a shock... . or two. These... . are bare wires.

Raw

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« Reply #44 on: January 27, 2014, 12:19:59 PM »

You guys have been great.

thank you for the support.
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« Reply #45 on: January 27, 2014, 12:27:07 PM »

I'm dying inside right now... . I foolishly had lunch with mine.  I cried the entire time

its like I'm some pathetic 13 yro and its as if he's morphed into a normal guy who is totally exclusive with someone he met 3 weeks ago

I am 46 yrs old.  And I thought I was the normal one.

wow sure doesn't look or feel that way now

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« Reply #46 on: January 27, 2014, 12:28:05 PM »

She is getting all dressed up dressing me down

Sayin I'm a fool, implying I'm a clown

But there is something inside me you didn't believe

I aint no baby cryin into my sleeve

So if you are unhappy and want to leave

Don't expect me to do anything but grieve

The child that I was and the boy I have been

Because I am a different man than I was... . then

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« Reply #47 on: January 27, 2014, 12:59:44 PM »

I'm dying inside right now... . I foolishly had lunch with mine.  I cried the entire time

its like I'm some pathetic 13 yro and its as if he's morphed into a normal guy who is totally exclusive with someone he met 3 weeks ago

I am 46 yrs old.  And I thought I was the normal one.

wow sure doesn't look or feel that way now

I am quite sure his empty sands were gloatingly soaking up your tears into the forever shape shifting dunes of his ravaged barren existential landscape of dust devils of aimless desire and ever changing whirl winds of lost self.

What I have found to be true is the creature that grows strongest is the beast that I feed.
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« Reply #48 on: January 27, 2014, 01:00:55 PM »

Take2,

Stay Away!
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« Reply #49 on: January 27, 2014, 01:13:07 PM »

Jay,

  Contradictory to your therapist... . 90% of that is really true and resounding however it is a fallicy that an untreated pwBPD gets better with age. If they are untreated and pre-menopausal that is actually when it gets worse. It is very common to find untreated BPD's wandering the streets homeless (later in life) or in mental hospitals. It is an extremely sad and frustrating disorder.

A day before I was dumped for the 6th and final time, I went for a walk with a friend. I told her I was sick of being a caregiver. This relationship was 99.8% my ex and her needs. Mine, were completely unmet and I was suffering trying to keep up with her endless needs.  I walked on eggshells constantly and was so depressed.

I am still depressed but things are looking up.  I don't have to worry about when the other shoe will drop. Now I can focus on me and my new relationship which is a polar opposite of what I came out of. All I have to do is focus on the now and keep myself safe from the past resurfacing.

Actually... . they get much better with age.

My pwBPD was 10x the manipulator/liar at 46 that she was at 19 when I first met her... . worlds better liar.

I saw her father (who I hadn't seen in over 20 yrs ) and asked how his daughter (my exGF) was doing ... .

His comment was "She is the same as was, only MORE SO."

My sister tried to give me an update on my exBPDgf... . this is after 18 months of no word and finally appreciating that being the case... and I stopped her, she had to slip in one little comment... "anyway, sounds like she is going to lose her job... its all catching up with her... . she is nuts."

Now that she is older she maintains multiple sets of FB pages, and guys that will comment and like whatever she posts... so she is setup to torture the next poor SOB that comes along.

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« Reply #50 on: January 27, 2014, 01:30:13 PM »

You know what's sad, I didnt mind the caregiving part so much. It made me feel good that as a man it was my job to make sure she was taken care of.

Sometimes she wanted it and sometimes she said I was smothering her.
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« Reply #51 on: January 27, 2014, 01:31:23 PM »

and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself.
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« Reply #52 on: January 27, 2014, 01:36:02 PM »

and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself.

In the looking back... . I must admit... . at that time in my life, for my own separate reasons, I had gunpowder in my heart and kerosene on my breath and she... . was my perfect match.

The only real proof is the result... . KA-BOOM!
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« Reply #53 on: January 27, 2014, 01:39:48 PM »

There is a difference between being a strong. supportive man and a caregiver, Jay.

A caregiver is someone who pretty much lets all their needs slide for this other person.  It truly becomes a co-dependent situation.

BPD's put out their siren songs to anyone who will listen. They are ALWAYS in need. The needs are never reciprocated.

I am walking, living and breathing proof.  The day my best friend of 20yrs told me she could not be friends because I was gay I was really sad. I cancelled dinner plans with my ex, told her I needed some alone time to process what just happened.

I was dumped that day, on the phone and she ran off to her ex in Minnesota. I had just lost my best friend for this woman I loved and she deserted me. She returned a month later and I was stupid and took her back. Any time I needed consoling I was dumped and I spent 98% of my time trying to cater to her needs and shield my emotions.

That is not living, Jay. It just isn't.
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« Reply #54 on: January 27, 2014, 02:05:45 PM »

"and at the begining of our recycle I'd work SSOO freakin hard to prove myself... . "

  Jay, thats what they do, its who they are,... . you will never be able to love them enough, or work hard enough, its just not possible.  I remember all the hard work and sacrifices I suffered thru, I do not believe they are capable of truly appreciating what we do for them.  The kick in the head is that, the more we do for them, the more they resent us, and the more they take advantage of us.  It makes them feel unworthy, (they do not believe they are worthy, or "good enough" to warrant such devotion, love or kindness. So they start to "devalue" our love and commitment to them... . We are the willing participants to our own demise, the architects of our own destruction... .

Good luck and God bless,

RMOUSEY!
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« Reply #55 on: January 27, 2014, 02:21:05 PM »

Well said, RMOUSEY!
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« Reply #56 on: January 27, 2014, 03:16:06 PM »

There is a difference between being a strong. supportive man and a caregiver, Jay.

A caregiver is someone who pretty much lets all their needs slide for this other person.  It truly becomes a co-dependent situation.

BPD's put out their siren songs to anyone who will listen. They are ALWAYS in need. The needs are never reciprocated.


That is not living, Jay. It just isn't.

I know it isn't.  I keep that, among all the nasty venom she sent me, in fact I might make a little sheet of all of her "Greatest Attacks on my character" and carry it with me.

It's day 2 and I loved her like I've never loved another woman, so it's pretty raw, and unfortunately it was familar to me.
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« Reply #57 on: January 27, 2014, 04:20:01 PM »

I feel your pain, Jayhawk.  Mine was on Match.com dating before I even knew we were through.  We were supposed to marry.  He told me I was his best friend.  Some best friend, huh?

Broke off the week before Thanksgiving.  I have good and bad days.  Going through a spell where I cry a lot again, feel like I am back at Day one today.

This is like a nightmare.
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« Reply #58 on: January 27, 2014, 04:36:27 PM »

I'm so sorry you are going through this Jay, just remember though, it isn't you.

I found out tonight that mine has been in a new relationship for a week, only a week after she asked for a bit of time to herself so she could process the death of her best friend the week before. Like a gullible idiot I have been validating her feelings when she texts me to tell me how bad she is feeling.

You will hurt, have a range of emotions and feel a lot of pain but you will come through it, they never will.
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« Reply #59 on: January 27, 2014, 09:35:59 PM »

RMOUSEY that is the truth, sing it loud!

Yeah my ex was on POF quick. He'll be a rebound, its just how long he lasts, till she uses him up and spits him out.

That was exactly it. I treated her way better then anyone ever had, friends, mom, sisters, xh, or some of the guys she dated between him and me.

That comes out when she is really drunk. she like to be humiliated. I like a bit of dirty talk like the next guy, but she would almost make me feel guilty bc I felt like I wasn't treating my woman right.
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« Reply #60 on: January 27, 2014, 09:40:46 PM »

I still remember the night I found my ex on POF... .    this was 3 years ago... .  

I don't even know what made me think to look, but I somehow had sneaky suspicion... .   and there he was, in one pic without a shirt on... .      We were not broken up.  When confronted, he FLIPPED OUT at me... .   like it was MY FAULT... .    fast foward to now... .   after having one of the best apologies ever for trying to destroy me a month ago (I can't even bring myself to explain what I mean by that) - and telling me after how sorry he was, how much he loves me, does truly want to be together... .    I just found out that he was on Eharmony meeting someone new who he apparently began dating in December and lying about the entire time.  To now suddenly they are exclusive ?   

I hate internet dating and I've never even done it.  I used to tell my single friends to go for it.   Now all I think is that it's gotta be FULL of disordered people... .    

I'm so tired... .   this pain sucks so badly... .
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« Reply #61 on: January 27, 2014, 10:22:35 PM »

Then remove yourself from it. I am NC her.

I maybe be in pain, but now, she can't inflict anymore.
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« Reply #62 on: January 28, 2014, 10:01:24 AM »

I have to do business with where my ex works (the job I got her after she got fired from her last). I had to return a call to her office this morning and she answered the phone. I asked for her boss and she put me on hold for a minute then came back and asked if I needed to leave a message then said he "oh he is off the phone now" and put me through.

I'm not sure she even knew it was me but hearing her voice set me back. I hate this. She has put me through the worst hell of my life and I miss her.  She didn't sound the same. Had a different tone to her voice. I want to call back and feel her out. I won't though. I cant.
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« Reply #63 on: January 28, 2014, 10:24:58 AM »

  Buddy1226

  To unexpectedly hear their voice is torment, its like someone walked up to you and punched you right in the face.

last night I was erasing some of my older v/m's and I accidentally got to one of hers, It was so haunting, so devastating to hear my babies perfect, beautiful little voice telling me how much she loved me... I could feel my knees start to buckle under me and I just started crying, couldnt help it, it was like something come over me and I had no control at all.  Its been really bad since then, didnt sleep well at all last night, after a fricken month of pain and misery, I feel like all forward progress has been erased, Im now back to square one again, every time I think this madness cant get any worse, I find that Im WRONG!

  Good luck and God bless!
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« Reply #64 on: January 28, 2014, 10:57:53 AM »

Hearing my exBPDgf's voice ended up costing me a marriage, more than half my stuff... . and a trainload of heartache.

Got conned in to talking on the phone for just a minute... . was 4 yrs getting away from her.

Good luck... stay strong.
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« Reply #65 on: January 28, 2014, 12:44:27 PM »

Hearing my exBPDgf's voice ended up costing me a marriage, more than half my stuff... . and a trainload of heartache.

Got conned in to talking on the phone for just a minute... . was 4 yrs getting away from her.

Good luck... stay strong.

Ha ha ha ha

That's a great post,

When I agreed to phone my x for a first date I said... .

'if only to get her away from that guy who's treating her so bad'

Ha ha ha

His wife was pregnant with his baby and she shagged him for a few months.

She loved that filth and lack of intimacy. Eat it up baby
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« Reply #66 on: January 28, 2014, 03:33:03 PM »

  ChangingMan,

  We are indeed the walking wounded, the shell shocked and the "missing in action"  and PTSD runs rampant amongst all of us.  You can feel it in all of our posts, just as much as any of our BPDex's suffered.  This is our final "parting gift" from them. The "participation trophy", that apparently everybody gets... .

  But its really more of a scar that runs long-ways from our heart to our soul, and as with any other major scar, you get that "scar tissue" that we'll feel for the rest of our lives!
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