Thinking of going NC -- mother is wrecking my life

[arky]

Holy ___, where do I begin. I have been posting here for about a month. I've known my mom was borderline for a couple of years, without a doubt, but always knew something was off about her. I really, truly want to go NC with her, but she has built my entire family up so much around her that I know that cutting ties with her would mean the end of a family life for my son and me altogether.

First, the facts: she is VERY dangerous and pulled a gun on my sister about a month ago, has pulled one on me in the past, and is constantly making suicide threats. Her mere presence is toxic for me. I am miserable around her, and if I spend more than a few days with her, I start behaving like her, and that disgusts me. She gossips and makes fun of people constantly, even babies and children. No one is immune. She completely alienated me from my father (whom I believe has NPD, but that's another story) from the time I was 12 on. She is constantly the victim of everything. No one other than those very close to her (my sister, my husband, my father [her ex]), and me) see this, which is why she is uBPD and probably always will be. Very concerned about appearances and tries to make everyone think she's such a do gooder. Ugh, it just makes my stomach churn thinking about it.

Perhaps the worst thing about it all is how my son behaves around her. He just turned four and is a complete wonder child. At home, he literally never gets into trouble, and he is incredibly polite and caring. I never let him near my mother unsupervised, but she somehow creates this demon child, and I don't know how. He is mean, has tantrums, and only wants to be near her when in her presence. He doesn't want me to sit beside him, he doesn't want me to look at him, and he doesn't want to come home with me. For a couple of days after each visit, his behavior is completely atrocious. And he ONLY does this when he's around her and the days following. We have NEVER had any behavioral issues out of him otherwise. I have watched her closely and cannot figure out what she does to make him do this, but I know it has to be her. It's almost like she has this "hold" on him, the same way she was with my sister, except I can pinpoint all the crazy things she did to my sister growing up, none of which I would allow her to do with my son.

I currently live 30 miles from her. She does not respect any of my boundaries and is constantly throwing me in the middle of every battle. She is currently trying to turn me against my sister, who she pulled a gun on and threw out on new year's eve, because my sister seemed happy about having a new boyfriend-- seriously, that's the general gist of the story. I can't avoid her no matter how hard I try; she is very stalker-ish and will interject herself into my life, even if she is uninvited. I am working on finding a job, any job, on the East Coast, 1800 miles away from her, but for now, I simply have to endure. I am at my wits end. I do not know what else I can do. I have been seeing a therapist for a year, trying to set up my own boundaries, which she does not respect. I feel like it is completely unfair to me that I am the one who has to pay to see a therapist, when I am not the problem in the relationship. Most of all, I do not want my son around her, but as long as she interjects herself into my personal life, she always will be. I try to stand my ground, but short of telling her to leave me alone altogether (and risk losing contact with that entire side of my family), I can't make it stop, no matter what I do.

I am such a wet blanket because of this. I feel like I am used up and that I have nothing to offer anyone in terms of friendship. I have been diagnosed with situational anxiety, again, caused by her, and on top of the rest of it, my husband was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, so we are working through that as well. I feel like I am going to stress myself all the way to cancer if I don't figure out something to do about this. She wrecked my childhood for 18 years, and I am okay with that, finally. I just want to find some peace and know that I am doing what is right for myself and my family, without her, if needed.

[Marcia]

Oh Arky, these folks sure can create havoc. So sorry you're going through so much right now. My mother is also BPD, and I tried my darnedest for35 years of my adult life (two short stretches of NC when things really got out of hand). But now, I've been NC for two years, and it really helps to get on top of the situation and really gain insight.

I recommend reading the article about FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. I think this is what you're dealing with. Based on my experience, your Mom will not get better, and she is no doubt messing with your son, which is not good. Also, gun threats are out of the question, that right there is a deal breaker, isn't it?

You did not cause her unhappiness, and you don't have to sacrifice your adult life, too. I would strongly recommend taking a NC break, and see if you don't get some clarity.

After all, staying in her life doesn't seem to be helping her much. She needs therapy, if she can ever admit she has a problem... .

[Santa Clara]

Arky, I strongly support Marcia in her advice to you.  You need to look after you and your family before everything else.  And I think it is really, really important you protect your son.  My mum is uBPD too, she also loves to bhit about people and make fun of even babies and children- it took me a long time to realize how crazy that is. 

Good luck. If you don't have one it is a good idea to get yourself a therapist who can help support you while you set boundries (ideally go NC if you are able).

Hugs to you.

[Sitara]

I agree with what has already been said here. 

I know that cutting ties with her would mean the end of a family life for my son and me altogether.

I knew the same would happen for me, which I think is a big reason it took me as long as it did to finally say I was done.  But in the grand scheme of things, what did I really lose?  I lost a father who's been practically non-existent, a sister who's hated me her whole life, and my niece and nephew, which is the hardest part, but I didn't have much to do with them before-hand and I know that competing with the things my sister is probably saying around them isn't really setting me up to look like much of a good person.  I'm not saying that it still wasn't tough.  And I'd imagine it would be tougher if you have a close relationship with any of them.  But I have seen a few people say that their extended relatives realized that their pwBPD had problems and it actually helped them bond.

She completely alienated me from my father

Mine tried to as well, more because I was filling the "friend" role and she was complaining about him.  I had to tell her more than once that he was my dad and I didn't want to hear her bad-mouth him.  You can probably imagine how well that went over.

Very concerned about appearances and tries to make everyone think she's such a do gooder

It is so frustrating.  Mine was rewarded for all her hard efforts with volunteering in the school system.  She puts forth a face that she has everything together.  However, she has been unable to maintain any friendships, so I find it reassuring that anyone who really took the time to get to know her probably figured out what she's really like after the friendship ended.

For a couple of days after each visit, his behavior is completely atrocious. And he ONLY does this when he's around her and the days following.

Mine (4 years old) would misbehave after a visit with either grandma because they were both so lax with rules, would never say no, and basically let him get away with anything.  There was one exception though, after we told her we would be moving cross country.  He started coming home depressed, telling us that "he'd never see grandma again," and it only happened after visiting my mom.  So I completely believe that they can have a strong influence on a child that young's behavior.

I can't avoid her no matter how hard I try; she is very stalker-ish and will interject herself into my life, even if she is uninvited

I don't know what to say here.  Mine, instead of responding in a stalker type manner, does the exact opposite, where she resorts to the ultimate silent treatment.  Does she always do this or do you think it's an extinction burst in response to your boundaries? (Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I am working on finding a job, any job, on the East Coast, 1800 miles away from her

That's what we ended up doing.

I can't make it stop, no matter what I do.

You can't control her behavior, but you can control yours.  You are not powerless.  You do have options.

I am such a wet blanket because of this.

It's hard to go against conditioning from birth - so give yourself credit for the mountains you've already overcome!  No matter what you choose to do with your family, it's not an easy decision nor an easy path.  But it's necessary if you want to get healthy.  It took a few very dramatic events, realizing I was having migraines and panic attacks due to the stress of my family, and seeing my mom treat my husband and kids abusively before I finally got the courage to stand up for myself and protect my family.  It hasn't been easy, but I'm much healthier (no more panic attacks and migraines have decreased dramatically) and it's giving me time to work on my personal issues and focus on my family.

[sandraD]

I know how you are feeling and if I were you and it sounds like you are a young woman, I would go NC as fast as you can.  Do not wait to stop this verbal abuse any longer.  The longer you wait, the more she will suck you and your child into this vicious cycle of abuse.  I am a lot older and I wished that I had stuck up for myself and my children sooner.  There just needs to be some boundaries with borderlines and the sooner you institute that the better off you and your family will be.  You are right, she will probably talk about you and turn everyone in the family that she can against you if they are like sheep and do not see her real motives but your peace and serenity are at stake here.  It does no good to argue with a borderline whatsoever.  My mother hit my daughter who was just a baby at the time in the face because she said she was giving her older sister an ugly look and trust me their behavior is not normal.  They will do things like that and then 2 minutes later act like they did nothing at all.  It is just craziness that no one needs in their life.  I am not saying be mean to your mother but just look out for you and your family and do not allow verbal abuse when it is in your power to stop it.  I wished I had know when I was a young mother what this condition is and I could have had so much more peace in my life.   

[lucyhoneychurch]

Arky, hello 

You are saying, I think, in a very heartfelt sad post, that these longterm patterns have resulted in your son undergoing drastic mood changes and behaviors when around your mother. That your mother has these exteme violent tendencies (guns, etc) that make you constantly fearful and hypervigilant when anywhere near her.

I too completely get your fear of losing family over no contact with your mother. It is a natural result of people taking sides rightly or wrongly.

What I want to say is - your life is already hostage to her. Your son is in every way indicating vulnerability to her influences and coercive (sp?) tactics. There is nothing that can in any way be worth what she is doing to both of you.

I don't know how often you see extended family. I don't know how much you rely on them for support or not about these events. But I am assuring you, as a mother who got her kids out of the fire for 10 yrs, it is worth it to your existence and your son's to withdraw.

Remove your fear about seeing them or contact with them from your choices - if anyone you knew was treating your son and you like this, logic demands you stay away from that person. No matter who or what else might be attached to that decision.

Safety demands you stay clear of this woman. Emotional safety is maybe more important than the immediate question, because she has already scarred you and now she is doing the same to your son. It is so insidious you can't see it happening in front of you, is how you describe it. Yet the results linger for days after he is away from her. He cannot make choices for his own welfare at his age, just like you and I couldn't about being raised by she-wolves (and I like wolves). But as his mother, you must, simply must, get him out of this vicious unrelenting cycle.

You're an adult. At this point, you are grievously aware of the harm inflicted on you all these years. As an adult, you can choose to protect yourself. He can't.

In protecting him, and making that your goal, you will find relief for yourself as well.

If I hadn't lived what you are living (short of my children changing their behaviors they were simply cowed and scared and terrified of her), and didn't know that you are stuck due to decades of her FOG-inducing tactics, I would almost say do not be NEGLIGENT by allowing him to be around her.

Negligence isn't a direct action. It is doing nothing in my mind. You must do something to save him from these awful stretches of dysfunction and harm. He is being actively harmed by her, whether you can see her tools or not. You must actively protect him. And I say all that knowing what it's like to have one of these women in my personal space and feeling so helpless and wrongside-out. I understand.

You will regret not separating the two of them. I am not trying to be cruel, but you will rue the time you allowed her around him. I know because I ask myself what I was waiting for all those years knowing what she'd done to me and my siblings.

Mine are grown and doing well. But wow, mention her to any of them and they squirm. Her abusive  aura is still here.

Please listen to older parents who had to work against a mother like this. We aren't attempting to make your job harder, it is so very hard already, but wishing you strength and courage.

[arky]

Thank you so much for all the responses. I am currently reading "Emotional Blackmail" and have read "Walking on Eggshells," which was recommended by my therapist. Both are helping me a lot, even if I am having to read small amounts because they hit me so hard.

I have been NC with my mother since I wrote this post. I am so sick of being treated like crap. About 30 minutes after writing this post, I spoke to her and ended up hanging up on her. She had called me 11 times and sent me 10 texts, several of them saying exactly the same thing, resent. She had accused me of plotting against her because I wouldn't give her my sister's new phone number, which my sister explicitly told me NOT to give her. When I told her that she is delusional and that her thinking that is total and complete bulli___, she started talking and saying off the wall stuff, and I honestly had tuned her out by that point. I hung up. She texted me four more times, then I texted back and asked her to please leave me alone, that she doesn't get to treat people like crap and then act like nothing happened. I did not want to speak to her at all, but her repeated calling was driving me insane. I can't leave my phone off because my paternal grandparents are both very sick and could die at any point. So frustrating!

I haven't heard from her since. Unfortunately, my son's birthday party is this weekend and I am sure she will be there. I am hoping that I can deal with her long enough to get some of my things from her house over the next couple of weeks. She also owes me about $900 that I would love to get before going completely NC, but if I don't get that, it will be worth the relief I feel not having to deal with her anymore.

I know I'll be demonized and made to look like I've torn the family apart, but the fact of the matter is, my mother has no one. Neither my sister nor I want anything to do with her, she has not dated since my parents' divorce over 12 years ago, and she can't keep a friendship for more than a couple of years at most. If my family can't see through that and want to believe I'm capable of being a horrible person, so be it. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

Also, I deactivated my Facebook to avoid her. My anxiety level has been cut in half over the past few days. I'm still a wreck, but nothing near where I was before.

[lucyhoneychurch]

You can block her number on your cell phone. These devices are like their arms can keep reaching right into our hearts and strangling us.

The plus and it's a weird one, actually, of blocking a number or they are finally aware like mine was when I got caller ID and she realized I wouldn't pick up if I saw that number any more - they realize you mean it. That when you say leave me alone, you (and it has to be you obviously!) are implementing that. You are actualizing "leave me alone" as in you are not going to take me hostage with a phone or emails or whatever.

And as far as your son's party - is someone else having the party for him? I don't quite understand and you certainly don't have to explain to a stranger  but how can she be there if you don't care for her to be?

The practical part of going NC absolutely means you can be vilified by relatives. I am relieved to see your sister and you at least are together in this. And you have my deepest admiration for not handing over her number. Every time I asked any sibling to not do that, they'd capitulate to her demands.

Safety in numbers in a sense.  But it's such a tragic horrible time and hurts and leaves us feeling creeped out and stalked and like shadows of ourselves.

I'm so sorry.

Reading what you write is like a bad taste in my mouth of something that made me sick a long time ago - I fought it and came out alive on the other end but it took years of sticking to what I said I'd do.

You can do it.

but i"m really sorry.

[arky]

And as far as your son's party - is someone else having the party for him? I don't quite understand and you certainly don't have to explain to a stranger  but how can she be there if you don't care for her to be?

To update, I ended up canceling the party altogether... . Friday, I got a text from my cousin saying that her three kids were all sick, two of them running fever, and they couldn't make it. The only other kids coming were my mom's best friend's grandkids and my other cousin's son, and I just decided I didn't want the stress of dealing with it. We moved back here a year and a half ago and we homeschool because the schools in this area are so bad, and my son literally has no friends other than family and my mom's friend's grandkids. So, essentially, because of my mother's bat___ behavior, my child is going to have to be removed from all his friends here. We ended up taking him to Chuck E Cheese instead.

I am okay with that. We are trying to move in the next couple of months, but I just kind of thought it might be fun for him to have a group of friends to celebrate with. I am not rescheduling it. I just can't do it. I have decided I am just going to leave my things at her house until someone can get them for me. It is not worth the stress. Aside from sending a mass text to let everyone know the party was canceled (I added her number to the other six), I have maintained NC for almost a week. It feels great.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Sometimes the universe seems to orchestrate just what we need - I am sorry these kids were/are sick, and hope they will be well soon... . but you got a reprieve.   

There is an awesome homeschooling network here in our southeast Va area... . I hope you and your son can meet up with some other families and let him build some other ties besides those that put you in her space.

Have you considered Scouting? The pack my son belonged to years ago and attained Life Scout with is a very busy group - I know alot of the families involved and the parents (like my former husband did for our son) really knock themselves out working hard for their boys. It could be a great connection for you as well with nice dependable families.   

Just some thoughts and to wish you well and that quiet via the NC is such a great breather.

[Legacymaker]

Arky,

Your post has haunted me since I first read it. Many of us here have lived similar parts of your story.  My mother's weapon are her words.  At the age of 50, I am only now beginning to understand how much she has taken from me and also how much I have allowed her to have.

I can not imagine how terrified you must have been when your own mother pulled a gun on you and your sister!  (Asking this very gently) What is it that keeps you returning to this dangerous environment?  What agony would you feel if that gun actually discharged and injured/killed your child?  How many chances does this person get?

Again, I ask these questions very gently.  I have just told my therapist that I know that I am so gentle and forgiving that I would try to find the best in a known serial killer.  My husband often asks why I continue to throw myself on the end of the sword.  I am still learning to answer these questions.  Please don't take as long as I have, to reflect on the power that you do possess to change the situation.

I wondered when I read your first post, if your son might actually be really terrified of her.  Is it possible that she has planted an image of hurting you or others he cares about, if he doesn't cling to her or behave in a certain way?  Maybe his acting out is a result of not knowing how to express his stress.

I was visualizing the fun you and your son had at Chucky Cheese.  Was it peaceful?  Was it playful?  Was it a positive experience?  Children pick up on so much of our residual tension.  If the day was entertaining and easy, it may go down as one of his favorite memories ever, with or without the playmates!  

I spent years trying to keep our family together, putting up with nonsense from my uBPDm and uNPDb.  Please just give yourself the freedom to feel the peace of this celebration and continue to work towards more days like that for you and your child.

I too home educated my children.  Positive socialization is really important, but the joy of home education is that you get to determine what you consider positive and how much outside influence you are willing to accept.  Scouting, art classes, swim lessons, ski club and sports were our answer to social time.  

When I couldn't find the right fit for a homeschool support group (I did not do it for religious reasons), a girlfriend and I created our own group. We started by offering monthly meetings. These were between 1 1/2-2 hours and held in the community center.  All of our meetings were themed.  When planning, we would look at the calendar to decide what the theme was going to be (there is a holiday for nearly every day of the year).  We would choose and activity based around the date.  For example, for Thanksgiving, we had the kids dress up as pilgrims.  Then we had them present a "feast" and invite their family to partake (food had been preassigned) the adults were the natives.  The kids set the table and presented the meal to the adults while they acted out the story of the first Thanksgiving.  They had been given their parts and practiced them at home.  Later the children decorated gourds. The kids would always have a project, (not mandatory, just suggested) something like a book report or show and tell etc., just something to get them talking. The adults in the group (parents/grandparents/friends etc) soon began to offer their talents. We never lacked for parental involvement. Eventually our meetings began to take place weekly. Over the years we were able to offer many field trips to working farms, museums, orchards, factories, the airport, performances etc.  Nowhere was out of our limits.  Parents organized tennis lessons, formed a bowling league, created scout groups, organized proms, formed bands, visited nursing homes and more.  Eventually many of us team taught advanced subjects like Astronomy, Chemistry, Biology etc,.  In a nutshell, I was so active with my sons, they never lacked a social group and neither did I  I hope that gives you some ideas.  You are stronger than you know!  

Please take this precious child and love him with all of your heart. Protect him from the things that we have witnessed.  Give him the childhood that you had hoped to have.  I promise, when you look at this son 20 years from now, the effort you put into creating a healthy space for him to thrive, all these memories will flood back to you in the form of respect, love and years of joy.  I truely couldn't be more proud of my 3 sons (26, 24 and 21).  In large part, this is because I was brave enough to keep them away from the dysfunction.