how do you handle being replaced?

[growing_wings]

hey folks,

how do you handle with the feeling of being replaced?

I know staying is painful, but the feeling of being replaced is a tough one to swallow. it hurts inside.

my xSOBPD replaced me with a person she spoke badly about, a recycle. my replacement is over the moon to be back. She was ignored and painted black for the year i was around of course. i heard the usual: that she has mental issues, etc.etc.etc...   and now they are back to what seems happy land. this hit very hard inside me... .

i live in a small city, so we all get to know and find out about things.

techniques to get over this? now i feel like i would like to be recycled... .   please how do you cope with this? 1 month NC. I wish it wouldnt hurt that badly.

[Perfidy]

I'm irreplaceable and so are you. No one holds the key to your happiness except you. Need is not love. It's all an illusion that you can break by looking at your self and focusing on no one except you. It takes time. It will get better. It can be better than before you met your BPDex, BUT you have to work at it and what you will learn is how to be happy and stand autonomously in relationships with others. That's a promise.

[Lol4fun]

I'm with growing-wings I'm lost and don't know what to do to move on. I can't turn to friends bc they don't get it and don't want to hear it. I'm sick of crying and just want this pain to go away. I feel like I'm a good person so I don't understand why I have to go through this while he has several women who want him and that he can choose from. That's not the case for me.

[growing_wings]

thank you folks,

Perfidy... . you are right. than you so much. it Is need... . is need what drives my pain. I need grow not only wings but feet! to stand by myself indeed. growing those hurts

Yes, we are irreplaceable... .

[growing_wings]

Lol4fun... i am the same... LOST and in pain, dark

i found this shortly after i posted, and i broke in tears, but this might help us:

We are all broken and damaged

and we arent quite fixed yet,

A lot of us have gone through hell

but you know what?

we came back, came back stronger

You know why?

Because we are warriors

and warrios fight

i am way to emotional, so reading above makes sense.

i share your pain. I do

[love4meNOTu]

How do I handle being replaced?

Easily - because "I" was not replaced.

There is no one like me in the universe.

That being said, to my ex husband "women" are a necessary evil. He does not trust them, any of them. He may claim to be in love with this one, or the next one, but the truth is he cannot love anyone. However, with all of his being he looks for the "perfect" love, the one who can make all of his pain go away. (His broken attachment from childhood).

So I handle it this way. I was not loved, not in the way that I know love is. Mutual respect, understanding, compromise.

My ex husband gave mouth service to those principles, but could not abide by them. His fears about being attacked, or his paranoia about me "doing something to him" destroyed our marriage. It was too scary for him not to be able to control me.

So no, I was not replaced. I was just one of many women who loved him, whom he lost because he is afraid and angry.

God bless,

L

[growing_wings]

How do I handle being replaced?

Easily - because "I" was not replaced.

There is no one like me in the universe.

L... words above are great. does not remove the pain, but helps. Perfidy said the same.

Self esteem ... that is part of the recipe to handle being "replaced" indeed. perhaps i could do with a boost in self esteem. not coming back can help that. thanks for sharing... .  

[seeking balance]

hey folks,

how do you handle with the feeling of being replaced?

techniques to get over this? now i feel like i would like to be recycled... .   please how do you cope with this? 1 month NC. I wish it wouldnt hurt that badly.

My ex went directly to one of our close friends - moved in while I paid spousal support and drug out the divorce simply to get as much money as possible... . now has a child with this person - so, what I am about to tell you comes from a very real understanding of pain and being replaced.

It has only been 1 month - this is going to take some time, real time to process.  There are many ways to cope and it really depends on what your goals are and how deep your core stuff goes.

For me, I finally did what was recommended after every breakup I ever had... . I took major time off of dating and relationships so I could learn to be alone, learn who I was, grieve a ton of stuff and trust if I did the work, I would get through it - I simply didn't want a repeat of a failed relationship... . enough was enough for me.

I had to learn my needs were important and treat myself with respect so I could gravitate to healthier people rather than "fixer uppers".

Coping healthy was important to me - probably in the beginning because I tend to like to do things "right", but what happened by doing it that was was I was able to rebuild my worth - these relationships do a number on our own self worth - whether it is the FOG or some of our own actions - we are damaged by the time we find these boards or we wouldn't be searching really.

Cry, exercise, eat healthy, sleep, be around good people, try something new, therapy, yoga, meditation, prayer - this combination is how I made it through and how I keep myself from ruminating today.  I know if I think of my ex, it is usually because something triggered me and I have the tools to process thoroughly.

In the beginning, I had a printed version of 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

I read it often to remind myself not to go into faulty thinking, BPD is real, this was not about me - honestly, reading and rereading this helped me detach early more than any other thing... .

Nothing really takes away the pain other than time and tears - but it does go away.

Hang in there,

SB

[ogopogodude]

I would jump up and down with joy if I found out I was replaced.

As a matter of fact, ... I would perform cartwheels.

[NoCRV]

Hey Everyone,

I think I took the virus finding a new host pretty well.  My BPDex had been getting texts messages from her ex during our relationship.  When I "abandon" her/she broke up with me I figured it was lined up for the ex to take his turn and sure enough it happened.  I figured that with her moving on with her ex I could try online dating just as a distraction and get myself out there.  Big mistake, she was on there!  Guess she's looking for a new host while attached to the recycled ex.  I read that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.  She still has hate for me so I hope indifference comes towards quickly for me.  Sorry for rambling, it was a weird morning!

[Murbay]

I think I took the virus finding a new host pretty well.

Thank you NoCRV, that made me smile.

Growing_wings, again I'm so sorry you are going through this right now but you will come through and out the other end a lot stronger.

[love4meNOTu]

How do I handle being replaced?

Easily - because "I" was not replaced.

There is no one like me in the universe.

L... words above are great. does not remove the pain, but helps. Perfidy said the same.


Self esteem ... that is part of the recipe to handle being "replaced" indeed. perhaps i could do with a boost in self esteem. not coming back can help that. thanks for sharing... .  

I'm so sorry growing wings... I know how bad it hurts. It's really fresh for you right now, and I've been dealing with this since last May.

You are gonna be ok, I know it sounds trite... . but you really are. We are very different from our ex's w/ BPD... . we have pain and we will grieve, and we will get through it. They can't. They are stuck in their very own version of hell until they get help.

big big hugs,

L

[laelle]

It's not personal for me anymore. He and I were a couple of misfit mismatches.  We both tried with the best of our limited abilities.

He has found someone else and I wish happiness for him.  We all bring our own garbage to a relationship, and she will have to deal with his or not.

It's not my problem anymore.  All I have to deal with is me and my own garbage.

I wanted so bad to be cool when I felt uncool my whole life.  It was the thought of living without his image of me when he was idealizing me that hurt the most.  I was accepted by the cool kid, but the image was too unstable as it was interchangeable with the one that said I was a failure.

I may not be perfect, but I don't need some one to tell me my worth.  I can do that for myself.  With a kind, compassionate self, I  can do that in a way that nurtures me instead of hurting me.

I do not consider myself being replaced, I consider that we both have simply moved on.

[arn131arn]

Damn, Laelle... . how do I follow that lead? Lol. Great post. For me, I have found trying to be better than I was the day before. I have been bringing AA meetings to detox centers, feeding the homeless, working out, seeing my P, being a great employee, a good student, does make me feel better after being replaced in less than a week after 14 years. We were planning a trip to the state peneteniary to do a meeting there but I have a bogus restraining order and not allowed to go. Oh, well. It's a big world and there's someone in need around every corner. Including me.

[laelle]

Wow, Arn... . it sounds like you are making a difference in so many people's lives.  I really admire you for your dedication to others.

Remember to throw that same compassion back on yourself... .   You are not only a good employee (good for others) but you are also good for yourself! (be your own best friend)

"Replacing" screams out "I am not good enough"  You are and were good enough.  Your lives are headed in different directions... . It happens.

The understanding of why it happened is important in helping you grieve, but it doesnt change the finality.  The fact that she moved on so quickly shows a lack of respect for herself and the relationship.  You weren't replaced... . she ran from facing her own demons. She ran from herself, not you.

I have been spending time lately having dialog with my inner child.  We hang out together 

She needs a bit of nurturing.  She was a good kid but never felt like it.  I give her a voice where she didnt have one growing up.  She loves to do silly things.  She likes to apartment hunt because she loves to imagine herself living there.  What her life would be like.  She is beautiful.

Give it a try 

I named her Laelle.  I named her after Linda Laele Miller who writes romantic vampire books. A perfect mix!   

[arn131arn]

Thanks, Laelle. She was my answer. The answer to all of life's problems. She was just like a swig off a Jack Daniels bottle. I am giving her up. Today I gave up fighting with her dad about child custody she will never agree to. So F it! I spent my savings on an attorney today. My son is worth more than my savings. Paid it. Retained... . I pay him to fight for me. I stop fighting anything and everything today. Stupid, bogus restraining orders, not even showing up to fight it actually, maybe the best gift God has ever given me. I stop fighting the inner workings of her mind, my ego telling me my replacement is better and always will be, alcohol, traffic, and myself. Somewhere around here there is serenity, peace. It's been a long time since me and that kid with big blue eyes and freckles on his nose hung out... . may just see what he's been up to during all this calm.

[laelle]

That sounds like a plan!  You dont need her dad to work out custody.  It could be a front for your fear of losing control.  To think a simple chat with pops is going make all those problems go away.  It didnt work with her, and doubtful it would work with him.  Hiring an attorney and working things out "officially" will give you the stability you so need right now.  It is good that she didnt show up for court.  It shows she is wasting their time.  They wont be so believing of her next time.

There is serenity and peace... . Today, I am tired... . all I require of myself is to get my necessary work done.  It is ok.  I am allowed.  My life is simple, but I am happy.

[growing_wings]

thank you soo much for all your replies and contributions... .

each day at the time.

after what was a big struggle yesterday, i recognize that we all  have the right to seek for our own happiness. and we all do it in the best way we can. BPD's have no other way but to "replace" in their mind, like it was posted before: always looking for the next thing, they dont feel, they choose not to. is their way of dealing and searching for happiness. This might hurt me, but i cant interfere with that, nor i can control it.

now is my turn to search for happiness, and it begins with allowing this to be and grieve, begin to heal. Hurts? YEAH!, but no other way

SB is right, eat well, sleep well, be well, etc.etc... the rest will come in time.

i want to come out a better person after this hell, we ALL deserve better. lets look for it.

thank you guys... . this forum is useful

[Conundrum]

They disconnect instantaneously, we do not. What residual feelings remain are cloistered within their psyches, but we will never know.  They are the swirling storm--the collateral damage is severe. We educate and grow, they do not.  It is loving a phantom.

[Moonie75]

I handled being replaced by empathising with the replacement.

He doesn't know it & I'll never tell (unless asked directly by him personally).

When we fist split she recycled a neighbour. So he knew, having been there before, what may happen.

She's now, just 7 weeks after our split & finished with the recycle neighbour, fresh in with a shiny brand new supply! He's the one I have empathey for! Ge's no idea what awaits him!

May the gods have mercy on his soul!

[myself]

I don't know if she is with anyone else, it wouldn't do me any good to know. I would not see myself as being replaced. If I was with someone else I wouldn't see her as the replacement for my ex. I would see her as an individual. It sounds addicting to look at people as replacements. Like one bottle is empty so you have to get another one that's not. Knowing you're going to empty/discard that one too.

[charred]

When I was in my early 20's... my BPDgf dumped me and took up with a neighbor of mine. I felt homicidal/suicidal... and very nearly did something very stupid. Instead I moved away and left no way to contact me. Over 20 yrs later my exBPDgf contacted me... via FB I was indifferent until I heard her voice on the phone(big mistake)... and got sucked back in, and the problems started.

We recycled 7-8 times... and she found a few other guys in the process, then we were supposed to move in together and she went NC and took up with another guy. So I wrote her off.

It was painful... but I had already decided it wasn't going to work. She has serious problems and lives in a state of total denial of responsibility for anything.

Accepting that she is disordered, that she does the things she does because that is who she is and realizing that the only time I am fairly certain she was honest with me was when she was hating... . made it easier.

My replacement... with mindfulness... I was able to feel not hatred or jealousy... but sorry for. He didn't last long, the fighting was full swing within 3 months... and they split by 4 months... and he left her with a STD according to her.

She contacted me about 400 times since then... . I was cordial at first... . she said can we be friends... and I said okay, but refused to see her. In about a week she threw a fit about how she wasn't going to waste her time being my friend, she deserved more, I just said ok, and haven't talked to her since. Been about 18 months NC.

I know I am finally getting on with my life, I dated, have gf and blocked her FB and mine so I don't check on her, and she isn't getting anything from my FB anymore... . I don't post anything anymore. Learning from my mistakes.

[Moonie75]

Charred,

She's contacted you 400 times since then?

Do you mean since her throwing a strop about the 'friend' thing, she continues to pester you in your NC?

[charred]

I mean a total of 400 texts, emails, voice mails... she went to my mother, contacted my sister... etc. Pretty persistent at first, then it died down and it finally turned quiet.  Probably 300 or so were in the first 2 weeks... haven' responded to any of them. Was amazed she went to my 72 yr old mother to have her "talk sense" in to me and intervene on her behalf. My mother said that I didn't listen to her when I was a kid, and moved out when I was 13... did she think I listened to her now that I am 50? Anyway that seemed to take the fight out of her and she finally stopped.

[Pretty Woman]

You need to replace the "R word" with another one... .

Released.

[charred]

You need to replace the "R word" with another one... .

Released.

Very true. I spent over 20 yrs pining for my exBPDgf, thinking how different my life would be if I just had her. Then after all my griping I got her and found that it would have been horribly different. I missed the best thing she did for me... getting out of my life those 20 yrs. Has taken a while to get her back out and to appreciate that losing a giant problem is not a bad thing... it just feels like it.

[Pretty Woman]

Charred,

   In this situation, Losing really is winning.

[Pearl55]

He's never ever able to replace me, that's for sure but I'm worried if he replaces me with a borderline woman ( that's quit often they match to another disordered female ) because my son lives with him. I'm hoping he will give up on my son.

[bewildered2]

i remember that i was once the guy who replaced her previous "wonderful boyfriend"... . and that my replacement will soon be replaced himself... . and so it will go on and on and on... .

so who is the real loser?

b2

[santa]

I'm not aware of any replacement yet, but I have no idea anything about her life now, so I'm sure there could be one.

If this were a normal relationship, a replacement would make me sad. I think under these circumstances though, it probably wouldn't be a bad thing. If you realize that the BPD is a train wreck and you just don't want any part of it and never want to get back together, a replacement is basically good news. It means you don't have to deal with them anymore and they're not your problem anymore. Let someone else deal with them.